Rant Your Brains Out #62039479

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Sometimes I wonder if the day will ever come when I become fluent in Cantonese and spit out my thoughts to my entire family. For all the insults that they've thrown at me for my weight, my intellect and not being what they consider 'womanly' enough, my only counter at the moment is to punch them. Needless to say if I ever do such a thing it will probably land me in jail. And cussing them out in English won't do shit because while it's relieving, it's not satisfying. The English words won't have any meaning to them, therefore it's entirely useless. So what would I say if I did learn the language?

For the fat insults, I'd say that my grandma wasn't doing that well either. Oh sure she weighs less than me but she isn't skinny because that's what she wants for her grand daughter. Go fuck yourself.

Think I'm stupid? Yes grandma and grandpa, I know about the Raping of Nanking, I know how China and Vietnam came to be what it is, I know about the boat people. I know what to do with money and how to take care of myself. I know enough about the world to get me by. Stop treating me like a child, it's my brother you should be pampering.

Don't you dare tell me what I can't do or look like because I'm a woman. I will fucking throw every single insult I can about the Chinese culture and how they treat us. And I sure as hell will let you know how much I despise and detest how easily the women buy this load of bull shit. My boyfriend is constantly shocked at how stupid and insensitive you are to me - shouldn't that be enough to make you feel ashamed? No? You are the reason why all of these jokes about this our culture exist, yet your ignorance is absolutely astounding.

Oh I'll learn Chinese and by the time I'm done blabbing my mouth off you'll wish I hadn't.
 
Ugh, I really don't want to post here again, but I am piiiiissed.

I was supposed to board the Greyhound today with Peter so we could visit my family for the week. The driver didn't like our tickets. "I can't take these, they aren't part of my schedule." What do you MEAN you can't take them!? You're the only bus that's arrived at our stop, at the time we're supposed to depart. Also, why aren't they good enough for you? Huh, asshole? Yeah, we ordered them through Amtrak, but that doesn't make them invalid. Peter's taken this trip many times before during the times he visited me in Oly, and they NEVER turned him down. Stupid.

We called them and confirmed, dude, that you were indeed supposed to take the tickets. There was nothing wrong with them. You just decided to be an asshole about it. What's worse: you could have/should have called them to inquire about the tickets if you felt unsure. The nice woman on the phone told me herself! You aren't doing your job right. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Now, I can't visit them. We can't take the later bus, it'll just cut time short with my folks and I don't want to spend 2 hours in Portland cold, hungry, and paranoid because everything's closed and there are hoodlums out there. My poor family hasn't seen my face since January. This one time I FINALLY have the time and money to visit, this guy fucks it up. If it weren't so cold out, I would have clawed at him with the rage of a thousand wolverines. You're damn lucky I'm kept calm and still in freezing temperatures...

I hope something comes to get you, motherfucker. Because what goes around, comes around. How dare you, sir? How fucking dare you... If you want, I can bedazzle my tickets next time. Will that make them acceptable? :] Maybe I can draw a pretty unicorn on them, too. Since you're just too special to do what you're supposed to do.
 
Look at you. You've become the very thing I thought you'd stamp out. Sure, you act like you're not a power-hungry, controlling dictator, but I know what you've become. you're not the person I knew any more. You're not the person I sat with on the steps leading out of the music classroom, who I slapped on the back, saying that there were plenty more fish in the sea. You're not the person I saw as my rival, the one person I always had to at least try and outdo, even if it was hopeless. You're not my friend.

I thought I'd dealt with this.
I thought that I'd this problem solved, and I thought it was shown that I am a person who is not to be messed with - lest you incur the wrath of our head of year. Evidently, it doesn't show. Apparently, I'm still just the midget recluse, who you can pick on and smirk at, throw projectiles at and push around like it's nobody's business.
You may not think it, but I am more than capable of beating you to a bloody pulp. I've managed to perfect pushing my emotions into the darkest recesses of my mind. Over the years, I have grown numb to pain, or at least acquired a fair resistance to it - both physical, and emotional.
If it didn't screw up my future, and if I was allowed to use such techniques to teach you who's superior, you would be lying face-down in a ditch, with my heel driving into your back.

I'm done with this façade. It's time you all knew the true me. Happy? Cheerful? Always ready with a joke, a pat on the back and encouraging words? That's not me. It never was. It was a mask I wore to be accepted by society, to nurture my superficial needs for acceptance, friendship, amongst other things.
i am a malicious, sadistic, twisted, verging-on insane, domineering, narrow-minded, instinctively racist prat with Napoleon, inferiority and superiority complexes. I can randomly switch between them. I'm a monster - and you know what the best thing is?
I love it.
The feeling of anger, rage, pure and untainted hatred. It fuels me. I am not driven like you normal people. I am a being fuelled by my hate of those who spurn me. To see them humiliated and reduced to nothing is my ultimate dream. To be able to degrade people as I see fit. Nice isn't something I've ever liked. Force me all you like, even force me to wear this mask. but I will show you all, that I am not the person I once was.
 
Yes dad, because telling me (in the most snide tone you can possibly manage) that I'm boring to hang out with, that I have no friends, and that I'm wasting my life away is totally gonna motivate me into doing things, while breeding no animosity between us.

You know, for someone who's apparently so "Charming and Charismatic" you really don't know how to deal with people.
 
My placement nursery kicked me out because I'm not sociable enough.

My lecturer is pissed with me for being kicked out.

My student counsellor wants me to write down everything that's bothered me over the last like 5 years so he can have a look over it. I don't really want to because everything has melted into one big mess of stuff.

Oh, and I have to lie to my dad about placement now so that he doesn't go absolutely batshit with me. I hate lying.

Feeling a little bit depressed, not gonna lie.
 
Yes dad,

I'm a social recluse because I'm fat.

My grade were bad because I'm fat.

I'm addicted to the internet because I'm fat.

I can't get a job because I'm fat.

My headaches are cause by my fat too.

I don't sleep well because I'm fat.

Sure, I'll go on this diet if you think it will magically mould me into the perfect child, make me into the beauty queen you've always wanted me to be. Even though you have no idea what this diet actually ask for, or how long it works.

But what the hell, you're the one paying $500 a month for it.

So fine. Let's try and magically make me your perfect golden girl.
 
I feel so numb.I actually posted a whole rant here but decided that it was too personal. So....


bsjdgfggggggggggghfhdgsfdsdyufgyugfhyudscgyudgsfyudsgfyudsgyuAHHHHHHHHH!

Rant over, for now.
 
Ugh. Every waking moment is a depressing hellstew. Certainly, there are moments of happiness. And certainly, I can feign it well enough that no one notices. But I just don't want to live this shitty life. I don't have career goals. I don't have any skills or talents. And I don't want to end up working a job I hate. But I have no motivation. I'm not happy, and nothing can make me happy. I envy those who can take charge of their lives and do something with it, but I just can't. I don't see the point. Will I be happy? Sure. But I can't push myself to do it, because even getting out of bed in the morning is depressing. I am on the verge of just breaking down, but I can't. Sigh. I am just a clusterfuck of emotions, and I absolutely hate it all. I just want to sleep and dream forever.
 
Why do you do this? Why do you accuse me of being the needy wanting one- when it's always you who perverts a situation to meet your needs? Our grandparents are moving, and all you can think of is inheritance. You're making it hard for us all, can't you see that? I don't even want to inherit anything yet, I don't WANT anything yet. But no. No. Because you've started making demands, our grandparents want to give me my stuff early too, to be fair.

Why do you do this? Why do you want THINGS instead of understanding you should want the PEOPLE. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. Goddammit.

AND YOU. FUCK.

You are a good friend, awesome brother-figure but for the love of god, STAY AWAY FROM MY LIL FRIEND. She is NOT yours to corrupt, she's shy and timid, and I've been working on it for a year now, to get her comfortable with the simplest things. I never wanted to really introduce the two of you. Really. Because I KNEW you would do this.

Don't think you know people after just two meetings. For fuck's sake.

She's HAPPY with her boyfriend, don't plant it in her head that she's settling, that's for HER to figure out and decide, not for us.

Besides, she's already stated that the only person she's comfortable with on the corrupting issue, is me. And considering the fiasco two nights ago, pretty much proved my theory. Yes, she's more than bi-curious, and yes, I know not to pressure her to realize that, but don't you DARE accuse me of trying to MOLD her to be for me. Yes, I was pretty goddamned bad when I was younger, and yes, I used to be pretty damned selfish with people, and sexually, I was always on the look-out for a needs when I was not in a relationship. But GODDAMMIT, I have NOT even... I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. You go around talking about your little sexual thoughts on her, but then you turn around and say I shouldn't- when I had stopped that A YEAR AGO. I did that when I FIRST MET HER, and then realized she didn't want to swing that way at that point, GOT THE MESSAGE, CHANGED THE SUBJECT AND MOVED ON. I'm trying to help her, not pervert her.

I keep her safe. I do what I can to keep her informed so she can make HER OWN DECISIONS.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
 
I need to replace my wireless adapter, which will end up costing like 60-70 bucks. Kinda hard to shop for a new one when my internet fails me every 5 minutes.
My allergies are hardly better this season like it's supposed to be. Probably because of all the fucking long-haired dogs.
I'm depressed. I have been ever since that asshole bus driver didn't let me board his bus when I had a valid ticket.
I need money, but there are no jobs here in this dumpy town.
I miss my family. I miss them so much and all I've done this year is disappoint them by not showing up. Now I might not get to see them for the winter holidays? This is fucked up.
Insomnia is back, probably because I'm stressed. I couldn't sleep until 7 AM and I woke up crying at 11 AM.
My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to talk, but I don't WANT TO. I have to settle for faking everything until I get the courage to discuss my options for the holidays with him. Until then, I wish he'd let it be.
My insurance doesn't cover more than 1 visit to psychiatry. Now I owe money AND I can't get the help I need anymore, because it's too fexspensive.
I can't treat my ailments with medicine, which means I need to be even stronger without some kind of crutch. It's exhausting me.

And with all that's falling apart, I'm falling victim to all other negative emotions I've been suppressing. What if I'm not a good mother? What if something goes wrong with the birth? When will we finally get our own damn place to live?

I'm becoming more aggressive; I've yelled at people for dumb reasons. Probably the raging hormones coupled with my continuing misfortune. Each thing, from small to big, just builds and builds and builds on themselves... I've already started isolating myself. I don't want to leave my room, see anyone, or even cuddle up to my boyfriend while we watch TV. Instead, I sit in my own corner of the bed just pretending that nothing's bothering me. "I can't cuddle right now, my back hurts. I need to sit up straight." Fucking really? I'm pathetic.

I just want to quit crying and find a solution. I'm not used to being helpless or out of control. There's always an answer. Always... But this time, I have nothing. It's a shock to my analytical problem-solving mind when I fail something...

Wow I'm a mess.
 
​GODAMMIT BROTHER
 
GOD DAMMIT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS! I know you need to do the work and finish the balconies before it gets to cold and all, but do have to cut the wood with the buzz saw right outside my window? Fuck. I only got maybe three or four hours of sleep before you woke me up. Now I'm even more sleep deprived, have a migraine, cranky and I can't get back to sleep. Fuck you. I hate you all. *cries*
 
I don't know I think I need some sort of break or something, or maybe I'm just stuck in one of those ruts I can't break myself. Usually I can suggest something and it can be worked on, but recently been feeling like a politician, one mess up and it is magnified by 1000 fold and anything else said, even positive, is left in the dust. No wonder politicians are ruthless.
 
I should have picked a fight with that fat lady at Wal-Mart. She bulldozed right through the checkout lane, hitting me in the process with her fat ass. Now I'm injured. I can't fucking walk without limping and every time I try to get off of my bed, I wobble and nearly fall over. I know I shouldn't expect people to always respect me just because I'm pregnant, but sheesh. Would it hurt to watch who's in your way? I'm sure whatever buffet special you were late for wasn't going anywhere so quickly that you had to nearly kill me in the process of getting there. .__.;;

All of that on top of my nightmares and failing internet connection is really making me cranky. I probably shouldn't leave my room at all on Thanksgiving day lest I bite someone's head off....... Mamasaurus is losing her patience with people.
 
Look at yourself. You're running yourself into the ground. Just look in the mirror - your eyes. Bloodshot. Haggard. Bags. Half-closed. Do something.

Yes, he's going to be working in Birmingham. Yes, you won't see him for half the week, even though he's pretty much the only thing that keeps you from tearing your mother's throat out at times. But he's a grown man, and he's doing it for his family. This is exactly why you idolise him - because he's willing to do so much for the people he holds dearest.

So what if you look like the back end of a dog's dinner dragged backwards through a bush after being run over repeatedly by a Land Rover? People who judge books by their cover, and their cover only, are shallow fools who can't accept that the best people aren't necessarily the pretty ones.

You should probably get your head back in the game. You can't solve anything by burying your head in the sand and hoping it goes away - you need to fight.

And you should probably see a doctor about those chest pains you had. They aren't there now, but given that heart problems can be hereditary, it's better to be safe than sorry.
 
I HATE BRA SHOPPING.

Also... Saw people with their tents pitched up in front of Kmart. Absolutely ridiculous. -_-"
 
THERE SHOULD REALLY BE A RAZOR MADE FOR CERTAIN PARTS OF THE BODY SO YOU DON'T END UP SHAVING SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY CAN'T PUT A BANDAID ON. BLEEDING. PAIN. SHARP. OUCH.

OHGODWHY.
 
This is pathetic.

Completely pathetic.

Its been 2 days. Only 2 freaking days. And yet you're freaking out. You spoke with her yesterday! She's busy with holidays. Just... try to hold on for a few more days. She'll be back.

...Is it always going to be this way? Clinging to her and breaking down when she's not here?

No, of course not. It can't stay that way forever.

Eventually she's going to continue too far down her own path, and won't be able to lead you by the hand.
 
OH MY GOD. WHO THE HELL MESSED WITH MY EMOTIONAL SETTINGS WHILE I SLEPT?

I feel murderously irked.
 
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