Psychic Readings

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by heliacalRebirth, Jul 30, 2014.

    The following threads may contain material that HAS TOO MANY BUTTS! Viewer discretion is advised.

    How to Play: Post a question that you would like to know about your future. The person below will use their very reliable psychic powers to conjure an answer using only the finest and most ancient psychic reading abilities, following up with a question of their own.



    Dear Psychic,

    I recently applied for a job at Butterfly Grill and since I have been unemployed for the last 50 years (due to many charges of butt-stabbings all across the States. Will I get the job?

    My thanks,

    The Blacksmith


    I consulted my magical super badass level 100 elite tier 20 crystal ball, and I was able to give you this answer:

    No. You will stab the gent who is interviewing you because he has an exceptionally voluptious b-b-bu-bu body for a man his age.

    Sucks to suck,

    your dear psychic
    #1 heliacalRebirth, Jul 30, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2014
  2. Dear Psychic,

    I've recently made a lot of changes in my life, and I decided that I want to take my serial killer career further. I don't need my wife and kids any more, so I sold our $600,000 house and bought an RV without telling them. What should my next move be?

    My Love,

    The Local Serial Killer
  3. The Local Serial Killer,

    My crystal ball tells me that your next move ought to be to kill your wife and kids since you don't need them anymore and your RV isn't big enough for more than one person. This is a sure-fire way to get your killer career on the road. Haha. Get it? Oh, and watch out for cops.

    Good luck with that...
    The Psychic


    Dear Psychic,

    The guy I like doesn't like me back. Instead, he's going out with some other woman. Will he ever love me? Or what can I do to make him love me?

    Best Wishes,
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Dear AY,

    I have looked within the Crystal Ball and it recommends that you either split the guy in half and share the man with the other woman, or you can create a clone of the man. I, on the other hand, feel that you are too drop-dead gorgeous to be with a guy who doesn't even spare a glance at your beautiful self.

    I think a girls night-out is a must-need.

    Survive my dear,
    The Psychic


    Dear Psychic,

    There's this dog that has been bothering me for the past few days. It's constant barking and yelping has been waking my entire family up and I'm getting fed up with it. What do you think I should do?

    The Cat Woman.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Dear Cat Woman,

    I have looked trough the future-seeing mirror and consulted the spirits of time and space and arrived at the following conclusion. You should get a mean attack cat which would silence that dog forever or just poison the dog's food with a big piece of chocolate. If even that fails the spirits gave the following message: "Just shot the god damn dog! His barking is starting to bother us to! P.S. A adequate weapon can be found in the locker one hundred of the nearest train station. The locker opens on the combination seven-five-three-one. Good luck."

    Hope your dog days end soon,
    The Psychic.


    Dear Psychic,

    Lately I hardly find time to do anything I want to work on due to randomly spending time on the Board Games section of Iwaku and reading good manga on MangaFox. The fact that today was the first day I woke before 1X PM in the last seven days doesn't help. Any advice how to do the two while still doing other things?

    The Time-Consumer.
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Dear Time-Consumer,

    I have consulted my most elated crystal ball. Of course, the answer to your question is to clone yourself. We all know it is impossible to do so many things at once, so you must have more than one of you. To obtain the technology for cloning, you must first create a time machine and travel to the future. Be careful that the corporation you steal from does not travel back in time with you, or it could get messy back here.

    Yours faithfully,
    Your Personal Psychic Dodo.


    Dear psychic,

    I have become infatuated with Tsuruga Ren (pictured in my profi pic). He is not real. My friends tell me to get a grip and like a real guy, but I am determined to stay faithful. I tell my friends that they cannot change my heart, but they won't listen. What more can I say or do?

    Madly in love,
    Tsuruga Jane​
    #6 Tsuruga Jane, Aug 1, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2014
  7. Dear Tsuruga Jane,

    Let me inform you that there are about 7 billion people in the world; the chance of meeting a person similar to Tsuruga Ren is very high. However, make notice that you can only find him if you look for him. My crystal ball recommends that you build a tracking device made especially to track for traits that are similar to Tsuruga Ren, or you can get a new batch of friends. (But seriously, you're not alone in this; I'm head-over-heels in love with Tsunayoshi Sawada XD)

    The Psychic


    Dear Psychic,

    I'm having trouble with my family. Lately at night, my kitchen is ransacked by my father who comes out of his bedroom every 2 o'clock. My mother disappears for a random amount of time and returns at the unholiest hours. My two brothers had also begun to sneak into the basement with dead animals, which worries me greatly. I suspect my family may be under a curse; if so, why am I not affect? Please tell me how I should resolve this situation.

    The Mistress in the Woods
  8. Dear Mistress of the Woods,

    You are clearly not affected by this alleged curse because you are just to holy awesome. I have consulted my most distinguished crystal ball to find a solution to your problem(s). You must persuade your family to partake in either family counselling or get your local priest to perform and exorcism or each and every one. It suggests that you do watch, as the film is a load of bollocks. If this does not work, then I am afraid, you must padlock your room, day and night.

    Most sincerely,
    Your Personal Psychic Dodo​


    Dear, Psychic,

    Tell me if I'm going to have a car crash tomorrow.

    Fearing for my life,
    Tsuruga Jane​
  9. Dear Tsuruga Jane,

    According to my magic 8 ball toy mystical crystal ball, unclear, ask again. Hold on a sec... Okay, you will die a painless death. At least, if slowly bleeding out after glass is cut into your throat is painless...
    Best wishes, Totally Legitimate Psychic.

    Dear Psychic,
    My girlfriend hates me. Do we have any future together?
    Sincerely, Vernyx Alcerious Sontor
  10. Dear Vernyx Alcerious Sontor,

    That is a very troubling question! I will consult my tarot cards. Let's see... Your first card is a Queen! Your girlfriend thinks you don't treat her like the Queen she is. Next... A 69! Your girlfriend is cheating on you with your brother, and your best friend, and your father, and your teacher, and that one dude that hates your guts... And the local pastor. Finally! Your last card is a Joker! That represents your life. It's a joke. You'll probably never get another girlfriend. Ever. May your future be ever full of cats!

    The Insensitive Psychic.


    Dear Psychic,

    I was wondering if I will ever get a boyfriend any time soon? It seems like boys don't really notice me, and it bugs me because I like affection and want a partner. Most of the boys I meet, however, are a-holes or extremely ugly and mean. Could you please help me?

    A Lost, Lonely Owl
    • Love Love x 1
  11. Dear Lost, Lonely Owl,
    You will meet a very nice man soon! He will be a traveler, and you will live with him in his RV for a short while, before finding out the hard way that he is the psycho killer in the first reply to this thread. So...
    Hoping you can run fast,
    The Psychic.

    Dear Psychic,
    The doctor says I have a terminal illness, is he wrong?
    Feeling nauseous,
    Sir Pukes-A-Lot.
    • Love Love x 1
  12. Sir Pukes-A-Lot,

    I am afraid that my crystal ball app has revealed that you do, indeed, have a terminal illness. Not only that, but you are allergic to data and computer commands as well! I have seen your future... and my only advice is to stay away from any and all electronic operating systems, lest you suffer from the fate of all who have been disposed from telecommunicating electromechanical hardware.

    Beware of Linux,

    The Tech-Savvy Prophet

    Dear Psychic,

    Is there anything I should look out for this year? I feel like something bodes ill as of late.


    The Paranoid Wurmple
  13. Dear Paranoid Wurmple

    The feeling you're having is entirely correct. You are about to evolve, and rather than becoming a Silcoon which will later turn into a wonderful Beautifly, you'll become a Cascoon, which inevitably will lead to you becoming an ugly Dustox. There's not much to do about it, except perhaps hope that in your next life you'll be a Spewpa.

    Yours truly, the Pokémon Professor.

    Dear psychic.

    Will I ever overcome my fear of cottonballs?

    Sincerely, a clogged toilet
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Dear a clogged toilet , I believe you will get rid of your fear of cotton balls.
    From, Blu Screen

    Dear Psychic, Is my Computer going to be fixed?
    From, Blu Screen.