Parental Issues

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Lonely Angel, Jul 21, 2013.

  1. So, unsurprisingly my parents are divorced, and have been for several years. For a good part before and after the actual signing my dad had a come and go attitude. My sisters and I grew up used to him being gone for up to months at a time, especially if he and mom had a bad fight. Now he wants to be all buddy buddy again. My sisters (one older one younger ) have gone along with this mostly but I'm being a hold out. I feel better keeping him at a distance, after all that time he kept his. However, sometimes I get pressure from him and my sisters to spend more time with him. Right now I see him at least once a month. I'm just wondering if anyone else would back me up on this, or how you'd deal with it.
  2. If you are not comfortable being around him and putting distance between the two of you makes you feel better, you don't need to force yourself to spend time with him. You shouldn't have to give up your comfort because he suddenly wants you in his life more. If that bridge was burned, and you aren't willing to fix it, then it is better left burnt. But you do need to be honest with him about how you feel and why you don't want to see him. Once that is made clear, there's no need to force more interaction.
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  3. I don't know how old you are so this answer does kind of depend on that, but as a general rule, kids do better in life if both of their parents are in the picture. It's a well-studied issue.

    I'm not saying you have to love him, but if it were me I'd at least try to see him and get comfortable with him again. Fundamentally, mothers and fathers care for their kids differently, and lacking one or the other usually has lasting negative effects on kids.

    Now if you are into adulthood, like 18+, then the decision is on you.
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  4. I'm 23,guess I shoulda mentioned that ....... >.>
  5. If I were you, I'd set strict boundaries of what you're not willing to tolerate. Write them down, look at them often, change them only if your priorities change.
    Let him spend time with you. Give him a chance; most people are inherently good, and parents , as a rule, love their children. If he crosses one of the lines you drew, cut and run. Don't give him another another chance. If he doesn't cross one of those lines, then he's probably going more good than harm.
    Also, don't tell anyone about the limits. Just quietly have them- otherwise it's too easy to say "well I put up with x so I can put up with y" and eventually wind up going further than you intended.
    Not a foolproof plan, but it should keep him from pushing you too far and give you the opportunity to have a real father again.
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  6. Agreed with Lulu about the not being comfortable bit. If you aren't comfortable being around your father then I wouldn't push it, especially since you're 23. However I would find out from your sisters why they want you to spend time with him. Do they think he's changed? Also tell your sisters and father how you don't like being pressured about visiting him, because then it feels like the visits aren't for you and him, it's to keep them from nagging you. I personally don't think that's fair.
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