Paorou's some-kind-of-a-project thing

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Paorou-sama, Jun 24, 2012.

  1. *adds to faves list for "I'm bored!" viewing*

    It's cool!
  2. Mmm, is it trendy to be using one sentence paragraphs now? I've seen this style in so-called 'light novels' coming out of japan, and I'm not sure what to take away from it. Is it a reflection on a typical disjointed thought flow?

    Hopefully there isn't much sighing or getting dragged around by a girl. Ever since Haruhi did it, it's been beaten straight six feet under.

    Your opening graphic was pretty good, and that alone makes me want to see what happens next. Also, having less of a japanese backdrop, at least from what I see initially (zodiac) is already a small breath of fresh air.
  3. Actually, I started this out as a parody for one such japanese light novel, hence the style. (I was trying to copy the author too.)

    But the idea is growing out of hand. Hahahaha.

    As for sighing, nope.

    As for the dragged around by a girl thing... Sorta kinda. We'll see.
  4. It was interesting I must say. Even though it started out as a paradoy as you said, it was actually entertaining either way. It captured my attention and made me want to read more of it. I actually think you should keep going with the flow on what you have right now.

    But, thats just my opinion.

  5. I forgot, you're a fabulous writer (especially in first person!) in addition to being a great artist. Curse you, Paopao!
    Really superb, though. The writing is very believable and seems completely natural. I look forward to seeing more.
  6. My friend thought I was mugged. <_> She thought this was a personal blog and I made that to tell people I felt bad about being mugged.

    Well, granted she's a bit wierd, but still.
  7. Heheh, reading this reminded of me of my childhood Phillipino friends. Nostalgic pangs right there. >.<

    Personally I don't put much stock in writing as much as you can whenever you can. There's an art in putting as much emotion and thought as you can in a handful of words and make it strike a chord with readers. (Naaah you don't mean poetry do you? XDD) I believe you've done this splendidly, even if you are parodying Japanese light novels.
  8. Chapter one is up.

    Thanks to Zen and Excalibur for their edit contributions.
  9. I admire how every short sentence seems to add so much to Paolo's personality and figure and his surroundings.

    This the story that will have elements of Filipino folklore in it(ghosts n'stuff)?
  10. Yes, although admittedly, my planned cast is gonna be so internationally diverse that I realized the setting could be changed to almost anywhere in the world... And the plot wouldn't change that much.
  11. Pretty good! Anticipating the next chapter.
  12. A sneak preview of chapter 2. I'm actually writing chapter 3 right now while I have the editors look over my chapter 2 draft.

    It's actually way longer than 1, despite it just being about this :


    “What the- Hey! Come back here! That’s rude!” She yelled, dropping her low voice act.

    Look who’s talking! I wanted to shout back.

    But having seen all those glowy things on her, it made me think twice about making her angry.

    Before I realized it, she was behind me in a split second.

    I saw her floating in mid-air, fist raised.

    So I ducked.

    A swing and a miss.

    "What's up with that? You got eyes at the back of your head?" She sneered at me.

    "Sorry, excuse me." I replied, again without turning toward her.

    I dashed away from my crouched position.

    "You're one of their agents, aren't you!?" She shouted behind me.

    As far as I’m concerned, she’s the one who’s in a weird, shadowy organization.

    I don't want to be abducted and turned into a cyborg!

    I was just about to take my fifth step when I saw her pale legs hover near the top of my sight.

    They were followed by the red cloth of her dress.

    ... and the sparkling gold from all those metallic threads that made up its dragon design.

    Her golden hair flowed in a twisting path, like a spiral streak of yellow light.

    Regrettably, this was one of those cases where the animator conveniently shadowed out the garment (or lack thereof) that some viewers would have wanted to see.
  13. *Is awaiting a major plot-twist in chapter 2 or 3* :azn:
  14. Chapter 2 is up. ._.
  15. That was quite the read.

    Favorite part: Nuclear Wastelands and Torn Shirts.
  16. I almost don't have to say anything.

    Except two things: get to the inciting incident sooner. Don't waste lines trying to establish the setting, talking about the police, the streets, etc. If you can, sum this up with a couple of sentences at the most, just to trigger a mental picture of where we are. Then get to the elevator convo ASAP. If anything, this should be your opening image - the picture of the girl in the elevator. The visuals before it are a distraction and you can come back to them in the next chapter. As in a movie, this is your establishing shot, and it shouldn't be cluttered. You can even have flashbacks to your friends WHILST you're talking to the girl.

    Also, you seem a little over-edited at times. The sentences are too short and clipped. While this is effective in some ways, you've pushed it too far to one end of the spectrum. It sometimes reads as if you're listing things. The staccato effect is jarring for the reader and prevents them from settling into the story. It's like music - you need a good melody that relaxes them into the flow and style.

    So I suggest mixing up the long and short sentences a bit. Like here:
    Combine the middle two sentences. Then you'll have one short, one long and one medium. That's a nice ongoing "flow".

    Everything else is perfect. There's no over-writing, so you've cleared the biggest hurdle. Now it's all about sequencing and flow.

    *thumbs up*
  17. Wow, Asmo. That was really helpful.

    Much better than the other guys (the only ones who had negative statements) who simply critiqued it as BORING MAIN CHARACTER. Other guy hated it on the basis of the MC being a BLATANT SELF INSERT.

    I'm aware that chapter one is slow ("plain, dull") and thus the story is hard to get into, but this clarifies it perfectly.

    I'll keep it in mind with the other critiques, so that when I complete this particular arc, I'll have an overall better chapter one for the archives.
  18. Chapter 3 is up.

    Working on Chapter 4 is much harder than I thought~
  19. I finally got around to reading this, and I must say, I was impressed. The humour and the various lampshade hangings make your writing a very enjoyable read, however, the short, one-line paragraphs really distract me from the atmosphere, the feeling of the work. Some sentences could also be longer, but that is one of my personal preferences, and not a stylistic error. There also seems to be a lot going on in the narrative as some elements are introduced seemingly out of nowhere. For example, in the recent chapter, the main character suddenly knows magic, and before, the Epilogue Sandman was already introduced, not to mention Alicia. The main character said nothing to indicate that he had a skill like that, however, I like the fact that he is more than what he seems to be. I just think you should slow a bit down in introducing new elements to the reader.