Officer, I can explain!

"Hey Sir, Whats the problem today. This happens a lot. The gun, Oh. It a plastic gun i use for Live action roleplays with my friends. We play power rangers at my friends Timmy's house. The Shoe explosive, How the fuck you see...Good I sir, The explosive is to add the pyro technical stuff in the Role play like the show. Now i bet you were going to ask about the book...You weren't...Well never mind...Okay I'll tell you ya pig, I read it so if i ever go on a plane i can stop someone from taking over since i think just like them. Smart right...Why are you calling back up?"

Your wearing Bloody clothing

Your Ex-wife strapped to the hood with her head missing because it is inside the trunk

A video labeled "Killing my bitch of a wife with a axe"
 
"Officer, I can understand why you would misunderstand the situation, but I can explain. You see, my friend and I planned a modification of CLUE to play in real life. I was chosen to be the murderer, and as these clothes will be evidence, I had to be sure they would fit. The body on the hood is a mannequin, if you check, and the video is also evidence. . Good day, Officer!"
Next person is found with:
A bloody machete
A full set of limbs, belonging to a murder victim found an hour ago on the underside of a bus
A leather journal describing several previous murders
 
"You see, sir, that these arent the limbs you are looking for. Carry on."

enough with the murders. lets get spicy up in here

an assortment of cucumbers, small squash and potatos
bottles of warming lubricant
anal play for dummies

and its all in the passenger seat
 
"Well the lube is for you...." Throws lube at cop. "And so is the book....." Gives cop book. "And that's my groceries!"

The cops missing daughter, tied up and drugged in the backseat
A box full of 'intimate time' toys, some of which are in said daughter
Revealing photos of said daughter, bruised and beaten
 
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"Yes officer, I'm the one who called. I found this helpless girl on the middle of the street all alone, and these things were spread out around her. I couldn't find the culprit."

A martini glass
Vodka
Rohypnol
 
"Wussat offisah? Im sorrah I dunt spek engrish too wehl.... yull heff ter spek uhp. Det's mer merrication fah *hic* reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......................." *HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKK*

Necromancy for Dummies
Osama Bin Laden's Corpse
A Primed Nuclear Bomb
 
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"Goodmorning officer! No, no this is not what you think! You see I am just so 'MURICAN that I was gonna bring Osama back to life and then take him out to the middle of nowhere and blow him up with this nuclear bomb! Yes sir! Have a good day now! God Bless 'Murica!"

Rat poison
A birthday cake
An 'I'm sorry for your loss' card.
 
"It's my friends birthday today. His wife and daughter were tortured in-front of him before they died. He has an infestation."

A bank safe (being towed by your truck.)
Floor plans for bank from which bank safe came from.
A dead body.
 
"I was hired to redecorate the bank and this safe is just so out of style. *flicks dead fly off dashboard*

- A KKK robe
- A pitchfork
- A photo album containing pictures of black civilians
 
"I can explain my friend is a nazi zombie cucumber and loans me all his KKK stuff you can understand."

Next person is caught with

-Weed
-Obama
-A GRACIOUS AMOUNT OF NAKED OBAMA PICS!
 
"Uh... hi, Officer. Oh, this? That'snot obama, sir, that's my... friend's uncle! Yeah, that's right. He got drunk at a party we were at so now I'm driving him home! what he means by 'save me' is... 'save me some money'! Yeah! Oh, that? That's a little harmless weed he pulled out. Good day, Officer!"

Ten pounds of dynamite
A drunk terrorist
Bank money
 
Evening, Officer, what can I do for you?
Oh, we're on our way back from his work's costume party. He got second place. His body-building boss showed up as Hillary Clinton. I know! Crazy, right...he looked just like her!
These? Just some dowel rods wrapped in altered masking tape.
Money? Ha! I wish it was real. I'd just buy you off if it was! Like I'd have a million dollars and still be driving this rust bucket.
You too, sir. Have a nice night.

4- 40 oz. Molotov cocktails in an open cardboard box
A laptop open to a child porn site
A necklace of bloody toes and noses hanging from the rearview.
 
*gets to the next seat over because of tented windows and waits for the officer once he is there* "Where you driving" "what me driving HELL NO" "whats that?" "That" *points at the computer* "that's my friends he fucking crazy in this place" "and that" "that my friends prize at win in geting his assed wiped" **

Real life:
"IM TO YOUNG TO DIE AND GO TO JAIL PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!!! THIS IS NOT EVEN MINE OK THE DRINK IS MINE BUT EVERYTHING IS MY FRIEND I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING OFFICER" *crying*

Stuff you got
your mother yelling at the officer
a gun
and a girl tied up in the trunk hitting the trunk trying to get the officer to get her out!
 
"Like i was telling you officer, This bitch Juanita was tryna mess with me and my mama, even threatened us and my little sister. So i was just using my rights to stand my ground and i whooped her ass. She got it good too, but then my mama was in my ear about her bleeding all over her carpet so were taking her to the hospital. but she wasn't bout to fuck up my car mats either, so i told her to get her ratchet ass in the trunk. Oh, what? my gun? i always pack when you live in a place like where i come from. RIGHTS! *Instantly gets arrested anyways cause black skin"


Things:
2 Ton Box of Dynamite
Detailed Blueprints of Hoover Dam
Thousands of those tiny boxes of jello
 
"Oh hy there officer. Up for a jello? What is with the blueprints and the explosive? Well the blueprints are from my day job at the Hoover dam. On the other hand the explosives are for my night job I picked them up along the way. My night job? I blow up leftover unfired military ordinance. Here I even have documents. The jello? A prank from the kids. When I get home they are going to hear me! OK. Yeah. I will put away the blueprints out of clear view and mark my car with "transporting explosives". Thank you officer! Goodbye."

A well-know fugitive from the law.
A kidnapped person who is the relative of the cop.
5 kg of nuclear fuel for making nukes in the trunk.
 
"What do you mean, in the back se- WHOAH! Where did they come from! Who the hell are you?! What are you doing in my car?! Get out!"
Take a moment to calm down.
"I swear, officer, I had no idea that a well-known fugitive was hiding in my car with your kidnapped sister-in-law and a shit-load of nuclear fuel!"

Next person has (drumroll, please)...
:deadhorse:
A hundred Naked Mole Rat themed calendars from 1985!
A bucket of black lip balm!
An armadillo in Crocs, sunglasses and a high school PE uniform!

Have fun ;)
 
"Uh... uh, officer, uh, hi! No, this is for my... um... goth friend, yeah! He really loves naked mole rats, that's for sure! Oh, this armadillo? It's my mom's, she wanted me to take it to her aunt's since she has always wanted to see an armadillo that wears clothes. Yup. Okay, nice to meet you too, officer!"

Next three things-

Martin Freeman in the back seat pleading with the officer to save him
Benedict Cumberbatch in the passenger seat, tied up and gagged
Orlando bloom next to Martin Freeman, unconscious.

(Hee hee hee)
 
"Well, I'm dating Orlando Bloom, officer, but he fell asleep. And it was Orlando who kidnapped the other two and forced me to drive..."

You have:
A blood stained dagger
A foot of a murder victim
A little girl who's tied up.
 
"I work for a Dancing Academy, and you know what they say "best foot forward" and all that. One girl took it literally after taking a heavy amount of illegal drugs in the washroom and hacked a foot off. That girl's in a hospital now and I'm bringing the foot there to see if they can at least use it as a basis of a mold for a prosthetic foot. Here's the knife I took from her so she wouldn't do more self harm. The young girl? A friend who also got high. Still didn't want to take any risks with her in harming herself too, not until I know she's completely sobered up."

You have (in the trunk):
- a rolled up carpet
- heavy iron chains
- a book about local rivers
 
"Howdy doo, sir? I've a just been a shoppin'! Yah know how buildin' is, tryin' to find all the thangs yah need, yah know? Ah found this here chain for ten bucks! Can yah believe it? I can set up that tyre swang in no time! And this carpet for five! Them floorbards get sooo cold at night! And at tha secon' hand shap, this 'ere book was a dollar, and yah nevah know whan yah might need ta know 'bout rivers, eh? Well, 'ave a nice evnin', sir!"

The next person has;

A floppy bear
A sack of orange turnips
A whale with snake legs
 
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