Officer, I can explain!

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by guygombaa, Jan 23, 2014.

  1. So this is a fun game I remember!

    Basically, you are in a car when you are pulled over by a police man, because you have THREE items given to you by the previous poster. You must talk your way out of it.

    I say specifically talk, because you can't just drive off/kill the officer/pull out some random item that makes you innocent. So no bullshit, basically.

    It's boring and cheap.

    The next poster is caught with:
    Homemade explosives
    Compromising pictures of the officers daughter
    An AK47 (unarmed)
  2. "Uhm, well, uhm... You know how your daughter is the most beautiful girl in the entire world? Really, she makes my heart beat louder than the loudest explosion. The thing is, when I said that to her last tuesday, she wouldn't believe me. So I figured I'd prove it to her; thus, the explosives. The pictures are the result of a drunk afterparty at the concert of that Russian band that was here a couple of months ago -- which, coincidentally, is also where I picked up your beautiful daughter in the first place, sir. Also, that AK-47 doesn't work. I just like to collect weapons, so eh. That's... not illegal, right? At least I thought it was legal if the weapons were specifically modifired to not work. On a sidenote, sir, when is your next night shift?"

    The person below me is caught with:
    A set of handcuffs.
    A bottle of chloroform, complete with soaked towel/paper/whatever
    An unconcious person.
  3. "Er, my girlfriend has a bit of a fetish. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get her to the wareh- I mean our wonderful home before she wakes up so I can tie her to the bed. Thus the handcuffs. She loves it."

    The next person has-
    A silenced sniper rifle
    Plans detailing an assassination of Obama
    The bloodstained uniform (including id) of a police officer who was recently found shot dead by the same kind of bullet used in the sniper.
  4. "...It's for a book? Yeah, that's what it is! You know, like how Dan Brown does all kinds of research in person too! I just had to feel how my characters would feel! ...Sir, why are you pointing thatthing at me? I'm innoceeeent!"

    The next person has on him/her/it:
    A physical copy of the newest My Little Pony DVD.
    An adult MLP full-body suit
    The head of a black horse, lying on a blood-soaked cloth.
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  5. "It's for my 32 year old brother, sir. He's resisted all my murder attempts. May I borrow your gun please, officer? Thank you. Thank you so very much."

    A book entitled: THE DEMONIC BIBLE
    Several candles made from human skulls
    A bone dagger
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  6. "Well top of the morning officer, How is this fine day treating you. Oh, Whats this and that and this, Well sir I am a DAO rope play group and I can summon demons but i use the book to look conversing. The dagger and candles i use to slit the throats of teenagers to collect there blood...In the game. The skulls are of my grandparents They had multiple heads."

    Plans for bank heist

    Mini gun

  7. "I'm so sorry officer. You see, I trained my dog Max here to play video games with me. He got into GTA V recently and, well, you can see how that turned out. I was just on my way to turn the minigun in and take Max and his bank heist plans to a gamer addict support group. What? No, sir. I'm really sorry. I didn't realize the minigun was swiveling around menacingly at other motorists trying to pass me. I thought I bolted it down better than that. Right, that's the plan. Ok, yeah. Thank you sir. Have a nice day. Pigs. They can't touch us, can they Max?"

    A large quantity of heroin

    A box of condoms

    A rubber hose
  8. "I was just on my way to spend the evening with your wife, sir. She rather does like a snort before we get in the sack. Go on, call her." Awkward, impatient silence. "See? I told you. You can't arrest me for the Heroin either, I work in a lab. We study the effects of illicit substances on the human body and mind. See? I have a certificate saying I can give it to whoever I want as long as I don't sell it. Good day to you too, asshole. What? I said no such thing." Screeeeeeeah!!!!

    Next user has:
    Osama Bin Laden
    Hitler's Bones
    A book entitled: Necromancy for the mentally disabled terrorist
  9. "It's called freedom of religion, freedom of speech and so on. Maybe you have ever heard of it? Of course, I wouldn't expect you Capitalists to have heard of religion in the first place." *under breath: "Godless swines..."* "...What? No, I didn't say anything! Anyway, I'll be off now. See you later." *under breath "when you burn..."*

    Stuff which is found in the next person's bags.

    A suitcase with lots and lots of 10-20$ bills.
    A gun with silencer.
    A note with names on it, three of which have been crossed through.
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  10. This went through Google translate, so I make no promises as to the quality of the translation:

    Jeg har tillatelse til høyre her, offiser. Hva? Dere amerikanere ikke bruker dempere for å redusere støy? Listen? Det er radio vertene jeg ønsket å høre mens jeg var på besøk ditt land. Ja, jeg beklager for bryet. God dag.

    In English: I have a permit right here, officer. What? You Americans don't use suppressors to reduce noise pollution? The list? It's the radio hosts I wanted to hear while I was visiting your country. Yes, I'm sorry for the trouble. Good day.

    Fun fact - suppressors are completely unregulated in Norway.

    Items for the next person:

    Map of the White House
    Ski mask
  11. (You totally didn't explain why Osama Bin Laden was in your car.)
    "I'm on a date with an incredibly beautiful woman who works at the white house. It's an underwater date. With lube. Yes, underwater. You heard me right, officer. Thank you officer."
    (After writing I thought of a slightly more amusing explanation, but oh well.)

    Next person has:
    A woman who is bound and gagged
    A folder featuring pictures and all possible information about said woman, including her schedule and phone calls
    The severed hand of another woman who was found in a dumpster four hours ago
  12. "Oh, Hi Officer, My name is Officer Kid Jesus and i just caught the infamous Hand snatcher over here next too me. I have been tracking her for months. See, Thats why i have these files. The hand is for evidence you see, Now excuse me why i take her to the station. Oh Your going to call for backup, Well we can't have that now can we.

    Monkey in a cage
    6 packs of pure cocaine
    Pack of diapers

    I'm sure this thread will appreciate this photo

    #12 Kyd Jhesus, Jan 28, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2014
  13. "Sir, I need to transport these to a medical facility. No, I don't know why; it's likely either for some testing or for destruction. Or, if GLaDOS is doing the testing, a test about how monkeys react if they're destroyed -- possibly by injecting them with the cocaine, which is taken there for destruction too. Or, again, possibly for testing. Either way, I'm just the delivery guy; I don't question qhat people will do with the stuff they own, that's their own business. The diapers? Well, you know how all the body muscles relax upon death? guess what happens next. I'll give you a hint, the lower body is kept closed by a muscle too. "

    Stuff that may or may not be legal:

    A couple of cinderblocks.
    A bag of cement.
    An incapitated man.
  14. "Good afternoon officer. License? Here you go. No, I'm sorry. My tail light? Ah, that lawnmower must've thrown a rock through it again. This guy? Well I'm taking him down to the docks for a swim with the fishes, see? That's what the cement and cinderblocks are for. Haha, sorry. That probably wasn't the best joke. No, we're helping a friend build a little spot in his backyard for outdoor grilling. My buddy here was up late last night watching the big game though, so he wanted to catch a quick nap on the way there. Yeah. Sure thing. Thank you sir. You too."

    Someone tied up and gagged with duct tape in your trunk
    Marijuana smoke rolls out of the windows when opened
    A t-shirt that says "fuck the police"
  15. Woah wait a minute officer, Pot is legal in colorado now. What not while I'm driving? I knew that, that's why I tied my buddy up. To keep him from smoking while I was driving. Yeah, yeah I had to put him in the trunk so he wouldn't try to climb out the window. He's kinda high right now. I'm a little surprised you heard him in there I thought I'd gagged him. Oh I had?
    My shirt? what about my shirt. It's an expression of free speech ya know."

    An open container of beer.
    A child weighing less than 60 lbs in the front passenger seat without a booster.
    An assault rifle laying across the back seat in plain view.
  16. *Red Neck Voice* "Well hello officer, I bet you wondering about the person if the front. See he's how you say a little person. He just looks 6 thats all. The beer is his too, Isn't that right son mean Bobby who is 35 years old. Her have another beer. The gun, What you mean this is Texas god dammit! Yeah better say sorry now and my boy...Friend have some stores to rob...blind...of there TV screens that they are selling."

    Kanye West

    Satan (Horns, Red, Tails, Goat legs)

    Illuminati Robe
    #16 Kyd Jhesus, Feb 3, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2014
  17. "Officer, we're cosplayers! Tim's makeup is pretty impressive, eh?"

    The next poster is caught with a vial of h1n1 virus, a dead dog, and a 'fuck da police' t shirt
  18. "Afternoon officer. I'm afraid I don't, sorry. 35 over? I'm sorry sir, I must just be shaken up over the death of Buddy, here. He's been our family's dog for over ten years, and I know Aaron - my eleven year old son - is gonna be devastated. What's wrong? Oh, the shirt! Before I found out about Buddy, I was doing some routine maintenance on my car here. My brother got me this shirt a few years back 'cause he thought it was funny and I just wear it when I'm changin' the oil and stuff since I don't care if I get grime on it or anything. That's why it looks all nasty. I have nothing against cops, you folks do great work around here. Alright, thank you officer. I'll pay more attention now. Anyway, I've gotta get going. This vial of putty isn't going to cheer up my boy if he doesn't get it."

    AR-15 with 100-round C-mag in a cello case
    Fake janitor uniform for a local theme park
    Duffle bag filled with C4
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  19. "You see officer, I happen to be in this local LARP group, and we were doing a bank heist larp today. I also had plans to go to the shooting range after the LARP. I have my license for the rifle right here. I carry the gun in a cello case because I don't have a case for the rifle" (fun fact: I do occasionally carry a handgun in my trombone case)

    A class photo with faces scratched out
    A hockey stick
    a broken guitar
  20. "Afternoon, officer. I'm sure you've heard this like, 20 times already, but I can explain this stuff. You see, I'm getting my old class back together. We were all surprisingly close friends. I remember people by faces better than by names, so I'm crossing out the faces of people I've already visited. The hockey stick is a friend of mine's, he plays with a group of his friends on weekends. The guitar is my brother's. Well, used to be. His ex took it when she moved out. When I went to pick it up I found it smashed like that. Bro's gonna be pissed. Uh huh? Yessir. I will, thank you."

    Explosives in shoes
    an all-plastic handgun that would make it through a metal detector
    the book 'how to hijack a plane for dummies'