- Preferred Character Gender
- Male
- Genres
- Fantasy, Horror, Sci-Fi, Modern, History; just about anything, really. Though, I am not too big on Romance.
Hey, everyone. Lovie here (I know, a lurker of late...but I am oldie for you guys who don't know me).
I'm writing this because I've had something growing inside me that has overwhelmed me, and I need to put it down somewhere. I don't use Tumblr, and I feel a bit more connected with Iwaku (though I know less than half of you now), and feel that I can put something to heart here. I don't even know if this is the right place to post this, but I figured since it's an intimate aspect of my well-being, then it might as well be a showcase. Much like poetry, but not.
From this point on, however, this post will be a random mass of thoughts I've been having jotted down together. So please excuse the way it may read, because at this point in time I'm not trying to make this look or sound too pretty.
I suppose I should start this off with a small description about myself. I'm a female of almost twenty (December), who is taking online classes and leaving in February for Air Force basic. I am currently living with my brother and our roommate, Mike (not his real name, but I don't want to post his name for everyone to see...but I'll be mentioning him toward the end, so I may as well make up an alias for him). I have an okay part-time job that is allowing me to pay my bills and rent until I leave in a few months. Other than that, my days are spent making my body better for basic and myself (I'm not unhealthy, by any means, but one can always make improvements). All in all, my life isn't that busy. I usually get half the week off, and a good portion of the days that I do work. I'm not stressed, nor tired, but somewhere, deep inside me, there is something that is trying to claw its way out. I've come to call it the need for freedom.
I'm someone who moves around...a lot. I've lived in three places within the last year; by choice. I enjoy movement, and the ability to create a journey for my life (hence Air Force).
But there's something else there, too.
People.
I've often noticed my need to be away from people, but also to be close.
I know, that's a very contradicting statement. What I mean by it, though, is that I do like spending time with people. Close people. Close friends, close family members... but I also like to learn new people, and to know new people. Almost like with a home, I like to move around. I don't like to be around the same person all the time, or to be texted/called, or even just running into (without really even hanging out or talking), to the same person or people all the time.
With that said, the same goes with...well, romance, to put it lightly.
Now, that DOES NOT mean I like to move from guy to guy and have sex with multiple men. That is not what I mean. At all. That is disgusting, and not me.
But, with dating in general, or even just talking to a guy that I may have a slip of interest in.
I am someone who can easily, easily move on. My most recent ex I dated for eight months, and lived with him for four. One day, I woke up, and decided it was the end to it. I've since moved to another town, and have completely moved on from him and that life. I was never cruel about it. He was a bit heartbroken, I could tell, but we talked it through and there's nothing edgy between us (which is good because he lives near my sister, and they're friends, so chances are I'll run into him again).
About four weeks ago, I met someone. We talked for a couple weeks, hung out a few times... he's Army, and is sometimes hard to get in touch with, but he did well with keeping me updated with things, and letting me know if he wouldn't be able to talk for a while ( he was in the field one week, and had hardly any phone service). And he grew to become worried that I wouldn't talk to him anymore because of it. I gave him a positive response, for at the time, I had grown to like him. It is human nature, after all, especially if you haven't had much contact with the opposite sex in a while.
Then he stopped talking to me. All in one day. I'm not upset about it, no, but it was a peculiar thing. I've simply let it go, however.
I shrugged it off and put him away.
Now then...
Let's go back to Mike.
Pretty cool guy. He's been friends with my brother for a couple years now, and have roomed together before. I first (truly) met him about two years ago at my parents' Halloween party.
Party included drinks, and we kind of hit it off. You can guess what happened from there.
He moved to Idaho (literally) the next day. (Mind you, that was going to happen anyway).
That said, you can guess my hesitation when my brother first invited me to come live with him after he got a new house. They were already rooming together (Mike had moved back at least six months prior), and I was a bit... mixed about living with the two. Fact of it was the question, "Does he remember...?"
We've lived together for two months now, and neither of us have said anything about it. And I really hope he was just too drunk that night to remember anything. Still, even if he does, it hasn't really made anything awkward between us. It was two years ago, after all. Why hold on it?
So, I forgot about it. I do my thing, he does his. May watch something on Netflix downstairs together from time to time, or eat. Chat in the kitchen for a bit. Ya know, roommate stuff.
Last night, I came home from work around 20:00.
Mike and my brother had been drinking a few beers, and it was very clear due to the empty twelve pack of Dos Equis that was on the counter (the unopened ones were in the fridge). I ended up having a couple myself.
My brother went to bed around 2100.
Mike and I chatted for several hours in the kitchen. The first time we've done so since I pissed him off a few weeks ago (I..woke him up in the morning to ask if we could exchange rooms. He was pissed for a good week, mainly about being woken up). So it was very nice to learn that he's no longer angry about that, and has n't been for a while. I had been avoiding him because of it.
We talked about a lot of different things, and played with the kitten we have.
After a couple hours, the two beers I had had completely worn off. I was sober as a baby lamb. He was close enough to sober, but had had more than I, so between it being late, and his tipsy-ness going down, deluded may be the right word to use. So, he was a bit deluded as it neared midnight, and then one o'clock. We had been standing the whole time. At that point, I went and sat down on the arm of the couch.
He sat on the opposite end. We continued to converse.
It was at that point, that I realized something. Something I had been ignoring since I moved in with them. A huge, "No," that I had told myself two months ago. The simple truth is that I've come to like him, and that likeness I have labeled as forbidden for myself. Why? He's simply my roommate, and I'm leaving in a few months. There is no point.
It was one o'clock at this point. I shifted down to the cushion of the couch, put a pillow over myself, and started to nod off as he had begun to watch a video on his phone. I remember him mentioning it was something about woodmaking.
After a couple minutes, I chuckled as I heard something on the video. "You're still watching that?" I laughed a bit, and he did as well.
"You look cold." He said simply, after a minute.
I shrugged, and claimed the pillow was okay. It's a large pillow.
Simply put, after a few minutes, he put his blanket over me and laid behind me (I was on my side facing the back of the couch). At this point, I was almost asleep. So it took me a minute to notice. And then he kissed me on the back. Once. Twice. I ignored it. Then again on my shoulder. Thrice. The last one, he had made sure I felt and heard. I made a simple comment, "How many beers did you have?"
"Six." He said matter-of-factly.
He got up after that, and walked around for a bit. After a few minutes, he claimed he felt unwell.
He went outside after awhile, due to sickness.
At the end of the night, we both fell asleep on the couch, albeit opposite ends.
Nothing dramatic had happened. Nothing intimate, particularly.
Yet,
I seem unable to get it unstuck from my thoughts.
Which is unusual for me. I have, before, kissed a couple guys while drinking. Each time, each had been a friend. Nothing ever came of those moments, and they have never bugged me the next day. But today I feel weird. I feel almost... uneasy, and I do not understand why. I've been balling my hands into fists each time I think of it, and earlier I squeezed my bottle of water so tight, I thought it may burst.
Maybe it's because I have to live with him, and knowing of any feelings that may run between either of us...is well, almost unsettling to me.
But I feel I've been living in fear a lot lately, and the reasons lay unclear.
In fact, let me tell you of the Nor. They are creatures I have created for a story I am working on.
Over the months, they have changed drastically, and I think they are beginning to resemble what lays trapped in my mind. Thoughts that I have conjured, and feelings I can't lose.
The Nor are creatures that reside all around. They are the shadows of things; the darkness around us. They cause fear to anyone they wish to target. They make them tremble, sweat, and feel uneasy and cold. They are able to break a human mentally. They are Fear itself come alive.
Perhaps I have fear, and a lot of it. I do not know what of, but I've had odd dreams as of late, and I feel strange in the day.
I've never claimed myself as one with depression, or any mental illness, but earlier today I curled into a ball in the middle of my room and wanted to weep. I did not, though I did not wish to move. I did not wish to think or see the world around me. I just wanted to stay there, and then I thought about last night, and then I wanted nothing more... than to stay there. And I wanted a hug. Lord, did I want a hug. I still want that hug, too.
I don't know what's going on.
Why I feel this fear.
But I want to leave. I want to go away again. Move.
I have only a few months and I'll get that wish. I just wish time would go by faster...
I'm writing this because I've had something growing inside me that has overwhelmed me, and I need to put it down somewhere. I don't use Tumblr, and I feel a bit more connected with Iwaku (though I know less than half of you now), and feel that I can put something to heart here. I don't even know if this is the right place to post this, but I figured since it's an intimate aspect of my well-being, then it might as well be a showcase. Much like poetry, but not.
From this point on, however, this post will be a random mass of thoughts I've been having jotted down together. So please excuse the way it may read, because at this point in time I'm not trying to make this look or sound too pretty.
I suppose I should start this off with a small description about myself. I'm a female of almost twenty (December), who is taking online classes and leaving in February for Air Force basic. I am currently living with my brother and our roommate, Mike (not his real name, but I don't want to post his name for everyone to see...but I'll be mentioning him toward the end, so I may as well make up an alias for him). I have an okay part-time job that is allowing me to pay my bills and rent until I leave in a few months. Other than that, my days are spent making my body better for basic and myself (I'm not unhealthy, by any means, but one can always make improvements). All in all, my life isn't that busy. I usually get half the week off, and a good portion of the days that I do work. I'm not stressed, nor tired, but somewhere, deep inside me, there is something that is trying to claw its way out. I've come to call it the need for freedom.
I'm someone who moves around...a lot. I've lived in three places within the last year; by choice. I enjoy movement, and the ability to create a journey for my life (hence Air Force).
But there's something else there, too.
People.
I've often noticed my need to be away from people, but also to be close.
I know, that's a very contradicting statement. What I mean by it, though, is that I do like spending time with people. Close people. Close friends, close family members... but I also like to learn new people, and to know new people. Almost like with a home, I like to move around. I don't like to be around the same person all the time, or to be texted/called, or even just running into (without really even hanging out or talking), to the same person or people all the time.
With that said, the same goes with...well, romance, to put it lightly.
Now, that DOES NOT mean I like to move from guy to guy and have sex with multiple men. That is not what I mean. At all. That is disgusting, and not me.
But, with dating in general, or even just talking to a guy that I may have a slip of interest in.
I am someone who can easily, easily move on. My most recent ex I dated for eight months, and lived with him for four. One day, I woke up, and decided it was the end to it. I've since moved to another town, and have completely moved on from him and that life. I was never cruel about it. He was a bit heartbroken, I could tell, but we talked it through and there's nothing edgy between us (which is good because he lives near my sister, and they're friends, so chances are I'll run into him again).
About four weeks ago, I met someone. We talked for a couple weeks, hung out a few times... he's Army, and is sometimes hard to get in touch with, but he did well with keeping me updated with things, and letting me know if he wouldn't be able to talk for a while ( he was in the field one week, and had hardly any phone service). And he grew to become worried that I wouldn't talk to him anymore because of it. I gave him a positive response, for at the time, I had grown to like him. It is human nature, after all, especially if you haven't had much contact with the opposite sex in a while.
Then he stopped talking to me. All in one day. I'm not upset about it, no, but it was a peculiar thing. I've simply let it go, however.
I shrugged it off and put him away.
Now then...
Let's go back to Mike.
Pretty cool guy. He's been friends with my brother for a couple years now, and have roomed together before. I first (truly) met him about two years ago at my parents' Halloween party.
Party included drinks, and we kind of hit it off. You can guess what happened from there.
He moved to Idaho (literally) the next day. (Mind you, that was going to happen anyway).
That said, you can guess my hesitation when my brother first invited me to come live with him after he got a new house. They were already rooming together (Mike had moved back at least six months prior), and I was a bit... mixed about living with the two. Fact of it was the question, "Does he remember...?"
We've lived together for two months now, and neither of us have said anything about it. And I really hope he was just too drunk that night to remember anything. Still, even if he does, it hasn't really made anything awkward between us. It was two years ago, after all. Why hold on it?
So, I forgot about it. I do my thing, he does his. May watch something on Netflix downstairs together from time to time, or eat. Chat in the kitchen for a bit. Ya know, roommate stuff.
Last night, I came home from work around 20:00.
Mike and my brother had been drinking a few beers, and it was very clear due to the empty twelve pack of Dos Equis that was on the counter (the unopened ones were in the fridge). I ended up having a couple myself.
My brother went to bed around 2100.
Mike and I chatted for several hours in the kitchen. The first time we've done so since I pissed him off a few weeks ago (I..woke him up in the morning to ask if we could exchange rooms. He was pissed for a good week, mainly about being woken up). So it was very nice to learn that he's no longer angry about that, and has n't been for a while. I had been avoiding him because of it.
We talked about a lot of different things, and played with the kitten we have.
After a couple hours, the two beers I had had completely worn off. I was sober as a baby lamb. He was close enough to sober, but had had more than I, so between it being late, and his tipsy-ness going down, deluded may be the right word to use. So, he was a bit deluded as it neared midnight, and then one o'clock. We had been standing the whole time. At that point, I went and sat down on the arm of the couch.
He sat on the opposite end. We continued to converse.
It was at that point, that I realized something. Something I had been ignoring since I moved in with them. A huge, "No," that I had told myself two months ago. The simple truth is that I've come to like him, and that likeness I have labeled as forbidden for myself. Why? He's simply my roommate, and I'm leaving in a few months. There is no point.
It was one o'clock at this point. I shifted down to the cushion of the couch, put a pillow over myself, and started to nod off as he had begun to watch a video on his phone. I remember him mentioning it was something about woodmaking.
After a couple minutes, I chuckled as I heard something on the video. "You're still watching that?" I laughed a bit, and he did as well.
"You look cold." He said simply, after a minute.
I shrugged, and claimed the pillow was okay. It's a large pillow.
Simply put, after a few minutes, he put his blanket over me and laid behind me (I was on my side facing the back of the couch). At this point, I was almost asleep. So it took me a minute to notice. And then he kissed me on the back. Once. Twice. I ignored it. Then again on my shoulder. Thrice. The last one, he had made sure I felt and heard. I made a simple comment, "How many beers did you have?"
"Six." He said matter-of-factly.
He got up after that, and walked around for a bit. After a few minutes, he claimed he felt unwell.
He went outside after awhile, due to sickness.
At the end of the night, we both fell asleep on the couch, albeit opposite ends.
Nothing dramatic had happened. Nothing intimate, particularly.
Yet,
I seem unable to get it unstuck from my thoughts.
Which is unusual for me. I have, before, kissed a couple guys while drinking. Each time, each had been a friend. Nothing ever came of those moments, and they have never bugged me the next day. But today I feel weird. I feel almost... uneasy, and I do not understand why. I've been balling my hands into fists each time I think of it, and earlier I squeezed my bottle of water so tight, I thought it may burst.
Maybe it's because I have to live with him, and knowing of any feelings that may run between either of us...is well, almost unsettling to me.
But I feel I've been living in fear a lot lately, and the reasons lay unclear.
In fact, let me tell you of the Nor. They are creatures I have created for a story I am working on.
Over the months, they have changed drastically, and I think they are beginning to resemble what lays trapped in my mind. Thoughts that I have conjured, and feelings I can't lose.
The Nor are creatures that reside all around. They are the shadows of things; the darkness around us. They cause fear to anyone they wish to target. They make them tremble, sweat, and feel uneasy and cold. They are able to break a human mentally. They are Fear itself come alive.
Perhaps I have fear, and a lot of it. I do not know what of, but I've had odd dreams as of late, and I feel strange in the day.
I've never claimed myself as one with depression, or any mental illness, but earlier today I curled into a ball in the middle of my room and wanted to weep. I did not, though I did not wish to move. I did not wish to think or see the world around me. I just wanted to stay there, and then I thought about last night, and then I wanted nothing more... than to stay there. And I wanted a hug. Lord, did I want a hug. I still want that hug, too.
I don't know what's going on.
Why I feel this fear.
But I want to leave. I want to go away again. Move.
I have only a few months and I'll get that wish. I just wish time would go by faster...