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Prince
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- Status
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GreatWest
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Hey, uh. So, I won't be able to rp this time. I'll be pretty busy in the next few weeks and I found out that I'll only have time for one roleplay, and since I can't just abandon the other that I'm on, I'll have to quit this one. Luckily, I hadn't even started the CS.
So sorry. ;(
So sorry. ;(
D
Damien Kriez
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Okay, now that I've read the whole thing, I can say this is basically Captain America meets Suicide Squad, with Power Ranger aesthetic. I'm totally up for that. Please let me reserve Red. I'll be a militant boy-scout, traditional leader type man who uses his familial loss and shattered emotional state to guide others to better lives.
How's this sound for an outline? My character will be a flying ace who just got out of the Great War and is now unemployed. In the war, his skills as a fighter pilot were unmatched, or at the very least, extremely adept alongside other, more capable people. He, unlike all my other characters, won't be as much a maverick, although gets the job done. Since the end of the war, he's been having trouble providing for the family, and that put them on a very difficult situation. Add in a little tragedy here and there, and he was recruited by the Agency based on his skills as a pilot.
A couple of questions: is the Agency a benevolent organisation? How would them kidnapping my guy's daughter for him to have a reason to work for them sound? If not, would the Agency be giving him salary? I need to think of a good character motif.
How's this sound for an outline? My character will be a flying ace who just got out of the Great War and is now unemployed. In the war, his skills as a fighter pilot were unmatched, or at the very least, extremely adept alongside other, more capable people. He, unlike all my other characters, won't be as much a maverick, although gets the job done. Since the end of the war, he's been having trouble providing for the family, and that put them on a very difficult situation. Add in a little tragedy here and there, and he was recruited by the Agency based on his skills as a pilot.
A couple of questions: is the Agency a benevolent organisation? How would them kidnapping my guy's daughter for him to have a reason to work for them sound? If not, would the Agency be giving him salary? I need to think of a good character motif.
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Prince
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The Agency is of course a US Agency. They may blur the lines, but they won't be kidnapping a small child. I would suggest starting your character out on a different squad, then moving him to the Omega Squad at the promise of permanent pension.
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Prince
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In the case that your character was previously part of the Aviation squad making salary, the Agency might offer his wife a Widows Pension if he chose to become an Omega due to the risk. He, alongside other military men, might be an exception.
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Prince
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@Serrek I think a better way for you to interpret this is to focus on your weapons more than your suit. If you want to be a heavy gunner with some assault behind you, focus on what your armament is, then your suit. I'm aiming for the suits themselves to look somewhat realistic, toned down and "normal" with some flair to them, so if you're looking to be a heavy gunner, think something like a back or shoulder-mounted minigun, rockets, etc. — a toned down War Machine or Boba Fett. Sidenote: Try to avoid "cloaks" on your models if you can.
@Damien Kriez Get on it! I need finished CS's.
@Kaykay Now, I get that your character is a WIP, but in regards to her telekinesis, I just wanted to say that it's very "broad", and many of the characters you may face could have a telekinetic ability. If she has such a broad form of telekinesis, in which she can manipulate items, make barriers, create pushes or pulls, she will be out-powered and out-classed by essentially any enemy that can only do one of those telekinetic abilities. That will simply be the nature of this roleplay. I only say this to a) warn you and b) provide you the opportunity to hone the ability to a more specific one, in the event you want it to be more powerful and precise. Additionally, in regards to your Wakizashi and Sai, I will want more detail on each. Also, when you say that one can freeze what the other cuts through, could you elaborate? Do you mean that one will generate ice to cover the hole left by the other? 'Cause, if you mean one can mend the hole, that makes little sense; a plasma cutter will cut clean through damn near anything. Again, I know this is a WIP, so most of this is just requests for the future and giving you information. Don't take it to heart. :D
@GreatWest I'm sorry to see you go.
@Nameless We have a PM, so no need for this.
@Damien Kriez Get on it! I need finished CS's.
@Kaykay Now, I get that your character is a WIP, but in regards to her telekinesis, I just wanted to say that it's very "broad", and many of the characters you may face could have a telekinetic ability. If she has such a broad form of telekinesis, in which she can manipulate items, make barriers, create pushes or pulls, she will be out-powered and out-classed by essentially any enemy that can only do one of those telekinetic abilities. That will simply be the nature of this roleplay. I only say this to a) warn you and b) provide you the opportunity to hone the ability to a more specific one, in the event you want it to be more powerful and precise. Additionally, in regards to your Wakizashi and Sai, I will want more detail on each. Also, when you say that one can freeze what the other cuts through, could you elaborate? Do you mean that one will generate ice to cover the hole left by the other? 'Cause, if you mean one can mend the hole, that makes little sense; a plasma cutter will cut clean through damn near anything. Again, I know this is a WIP, so most of this is just requests for the future and giving you information. Don't take it to heart. :D
@GreatWest I'm sorry to see you go.
@Nameless We have a PM, so no need for this.
D
Damien Kriez
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- Invitation Status
- Posting Speed
- 1-3 posts per day
- 1-3 posts per week
- Writing Levels
- Intermediate
- Adaptable
- Genres
- Anything works really
I'm deeply offended.
Just kidding, thanks for the heads up. Still working on it (obviously) and that'll help. I should be able to finish it tomorrow and it should all be clearer.
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Prince
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That particular suit is actually referenced in Inspiration Picture #7 as part of a set. :D It's by the same artist. So, yes, it's acceptable.
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Prince
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Damien Kriez
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[ Male | 27 | Red | Aviation and Aerial Combat]
Of all the soldiers that fought for America, none are as loyal, as courageous, and as iron-willed as the flying ace Lieutenant Elric Palmer, who shot down many an aircraft during the first World War. In his prime, he was an aerial knight held aloft by his trusty steed, a World War I biplane SPAD S.XIII. Elric is never without his valour, a heart full of love for his country and fellowmen, and his will to lend a helping hand, no matter the cost. Without these, joining the army would never have crossed his mind. However, his bravery, love, and willingness to help are not only for the battlefield; he utilises them also in the comfort of his own home.
As a husband and father, he is a natural leader; he is brave in that he knows what to say to his two favourite women, his wife Natalya and his daughter Rosaline, and is unafraid of negativity. He isn't brought down by situations unless they're extreme or dire, and will do any and all things to make his wife and daughter smile. Unlike many men of that era, he is faithful to her, having married her without a shadow of a doubt that he'd be unhappy. His actions are fuelled by love and nothing more; and is a romantic - he is partial to surprises and words of reassurance. His willingness to help extends to the jobs expected of every man: fixing vehicles, lights, carpentry, and imbibing basic skills of leadership. Much like other men of his day and age, the kitchen, to him, is a battlefield far worse than the trenches. It's a place Natalya loves, so long as he continues to protect her. He also makes sure to be present in Rosaline's life, tutoring her in her lessons, teaching her to protect herself and make wise decisions as early as now, and loving her unconditionally. Of course, he also disciplined her in ways once acceptable then – with a spank or two in the bum, or a scold. However, he would never hurt her drastically.
His true passion, however, is found within the clouds. He is a man of the air, and believed it to be so ever since he was a child. It was what he dreamt of – to fly high and protect his motherland. He has no disdain for America's enemies be they German, Austrian, or Bulgarian. So long as one takes the nation's name in vain, they are a turnoff for him. Perhaps his annoyances come from men who do not show leadership-like qualities and the utter disregard for order. As a militant, he amalgamated his passion, respectfulness due to his position under higher authority, and his sense of being a maverick to be an excellent albeit unorthodox man.
Underneath his strong and loving exterior, however, is a man who suffers regret and fear. He cares deeply for his legs as he lost his ability to walk and regained it only recently, and is very much dependent on the powers of the A'vian procedure. Although he suffers no PTSD, he is very paranoid when his allies jokingly touch or hit his legs.
As a husband and father, he is a natural leader; he is brave in that he knows what to say to his two favourite women, his wife Natalya and his daughter Rosaline, and is unafraid of negativity. He isn't brought down by situations unless they're extreme or dire, and will do any and all things to make his wife and daughter smile. Unlike many men of that era, he is faithful to her, having married her without a shadow of a doubt that he'd be unhappy. His actions are fuelled by love and nothing more; and is a romantic - he is partial to surprises and words of reassurance. His willingness to help extends to the jobs expected of every man: fixing vehicles, lights, carpentry, and imbibing basic skills of leadership. Much like other men of his day and age, the kitchen, to him, is a battlefield far worse than the trenches. It's a place Natalya loves, so long as he continues to protect her. He also makes sure to be present in Rosaline's life, tutoring her in her lessons, teaching her to protect herself and make wise decisions as early as now, and loving her unconditionally. Of course, he also disciplined her in ways once acceptable then – with a spank or two in the bum, or a scold. However, he would never hurt her drastically.
His true passion, however, is found within the clouds. He is a man of the air, and believed it to be so ever since he was a child. It was what he dreamt of – to fly high and protect his motherland. He has no disdain for America's enemies be they German, Austrian, or Bulgarian. So long as one takes the nation's name in vain, they are a turnoff for him. Perhaps his annoyances come from men who do not show leadership-like qualities and the utter disregard for order. As a militant, he amalgamated his passion, respectfulness due to his position under higher authority, and his sense of being a maverick to be an excellent albeit unorthodox man.
Underneath his strong and loving exterior, however, is a man who suffers regret and fear. He cares deeply for his legs as he lost his ability to walk and regained it only recently, and is very much dependent on the powers of the A'vian procedure. Although he suffers no PTSD, he is very paranoid when his allies jokingly touch or hit his legs.
In the days of his youth, Elric lived with his head in the clouds. His mind, mostly adrift, wandered aimlessly where it should not. In spite of attending the headmistresses' countless symposiums, he heard naught but the silence only found high above the heavens. Instead of slowly walking from school back home, he stretched his two arms like that of avian wings, and 'flew' home instead. Every night, as he tucked himself to sleep, his mind soared like the pigeons that riddled New York. His passion for flight stemmed in the year 1905. At only nine years old, Elric accompanied his parents to a flight demonstration conducted by the Wright Brothers, who were business and marketing partners of theirs. It was then, at that very moment, that a spark ignited within his heart. He gazed forth towards the sky, hoping to see the bird of wood, metal, and fabric come as quickly as it passed. The roaring rattle of machinery and turbines filled his ears like music more appealing than the jazz of New Orleans. He then thanked his parents every day after that, and completed his studies, trained his body through sports and boxing, and joined the U.S. Military soon after. Sometime in between, he met a beautiful, Russian woman named Natalya.
At age seventeen, Elric attended another flight demonstration, and it was during that year that the army had purchased the Flying Brothers' designs. Much to his surprise and ecstatic joy, the esteemed pioneers of flight had begun to teach and train pilots in the art of aviation, and the greenhorn Palmer was one of them. After only one year of extensive training, Palmer was a bonafide military pilot, and a damn good one. A master of reconnaissance, he contributed to many preventions of enemy plans with intelligence contradiction and interception and, coupled with his combat training, ended many enemy lives. For God and country, the pilot excelled in his field. Elric also became one of the first Americans along with the first pilots to suggest strategic bombing and, although it was still experimental, proved to be successful. He was one of the first pilots that ushered in aviation's golden age, and participated in many historical events such as the raids by the RNAS on the German airship sheds at Düsseldorf, Cologne, and Friedrichshafen in September, October, and November of 1914. It was a huge milestone for military aviation, and Elric revelled in his role.
Unfortunately, all was lost during 1918. It was then that the Germans retook aerial superiority. By way of extreme restructuring and reorganisation, the German forces began utilising what they were always known for – strategic brilliance. For most of the year, the Spring Offensive was a battle between the Germans and the British forces, both of which fought valiantly for their banners. In the wake of this historic battle, the United States fell short in aviation. Supplied with obsolete aircrafts, the Americans attempted, mostly in vain, to fight for the Alliance. There were more casualties than normal, and many others had their lives ruined even without the mercy of death. Among the unlucky ones was Elric Palmer, whose plane was shot down. Although the man survived, he left the blood-stained battlefields as a paraplegic. He was not able to experience the Allies' victory. This, by far, is his greatest regret.
Homebound and without honour, Elric attempted to find solace in his wife Natalya and his newly-born child, Rosaline. His inability to walk made him feel utterly useless and was turned down by many employers of different albeit mundane jobs. Already feeling the effects of the Great Depression before it even started, Elric began to lose hope. The man who held boundless passion began turning into a recluse. Still, the thought of allowing his family to be victims of poverty continued to motivate him to find jobs. It was an emasculating thought, of course, for a man to be unable to provide for his family.
Lo and behold, two men of great authority approached the paraplegic lieutenant at his doorstep. Much to the pilot's surprise, his mentors in aviation invited him to join a top secret project. The Wright Brothers weren't ordinary flight engineers, but also dabbled in the existence of extraterrestrial life and technologies beyond their era. Perhaps it was their experience in the Agency, as they called it, that inspired them to make flight possible in the first place - to one day fly so high that we meet our brothers beyond the stars. Nevertheless, they have been shadowing Elric's progress in life, in the field, and in the skies. There was no doubt about it; he was who they needed to lead a group. With the promise of a monthly salary and better living conditions, Elric Palmer accepted the Wright Brothers' call to serve in the Omega Squad.
Although his lack of legs made him physically weak, he was mentally strong. Elric passed his DNA restructuring by his willpower alone, and came out of the laboratories a changed man. After the procedure, Palmer was made anew. It was miraculous, as after the experiment, Palmer's legs could twitch and feel. However, they were no longer as strong as they once were. He was still unable to walk upright, much less run, jump, and climb. In response to this, the Agency offered him special A'vi technology leg braces that allowed him to do those things effortlessly. Due to the dampening of his powers, he would still be subject to being in a wheelchair; it is uncanny for the Omega Squad to have a paraplegic leader who regains and loses his ability to walk every time his powers are unleashed and inhibited. Such is the fate of the members of the Omega Squad. Still, his family is what fills his mind.
At age seventeen, Elric attended another flight demonstration, and it was during that year that the army had purchased the Flying Brothers' designs. Much to his surprise and ecstatic joy, the esteemed pioneers of flight had begun to teach and train pilots in the art of aviation, and the greenhorn Palmer was one of them. After only one year of extensive training, Palmer was a bonafide military pilot, and a damn good one. A master of reconnaissance, he contributed to many preventions of enemy plans with intelligence contradiction and interception and, coupled with his combat training, ended many enemy lives. For God and country, the pilot excelled in his field. Elric also became one of the first Americans along with the first pilots to suggest strategic bombing and, although it was still experimental, proved to be successful. He was one of the first pilots that ushered in aviation's golden age, and participated in many historical events such as the raids by the RNAS on the German airship sheds at Düsseldorf, Cologne, and Friedrichshafen in September, October, and November of 1914. It was a huge milestone for military aviation, and Elric revelled in his role.
Unfortunately, all was lost during 1918. It was then that the Germans retook aerial superiority. By way of extreme restructuring and reorganisation, the German forces began utilising what they were always known for – strategic brilliance. For most of the year, the Spring Offensive was a battle between the Germans and the British forces, both of which fought valiantly for their banners. In the wake of this historic battle, the United States fell short in aviation. Supplied with obsolete aircrafts, the Americans attempted, mostly in vain, to fight for the Alliance. There were more casualties than normal, and many others had their lives ruined even without the mercy of death. Among the unlucky ones was Elric Palmer, whose plane was shot down. Although the man survived, he left the blood-stained battlefields as a paraplegic. He was not able to experience the Allies' victory. This, by far, is his greatest regret.
Homebound and without honour, Elric attempted to find solace in his wife Natalya and his newly-born child, Rosaline. His inability to walk made him feel utterly useless and was turned down by many employers of different albeit mundane jobs. Already feeling the effects of the Great Depression before it even started, Elric began to lose hope. The man who held boundless passion began turning into a recluse. Still, the thought of allowing his family to be victims of poverty continued to motivate him to find jobs. It was an emasculating thought, of course, for a man to be unable to provide for his family.
Lo and behold, two men of great authority approached the paraplegic lieutenant at his doorstep. Much to the pilot's surprise, his mentors in aviation invited him to join a top secret project. The Wright Brothers weren't ordinary flight engineers, but also dabbled in the existence of extraterrestrial life and technologies beyond their era. Perhaps it was their experience in the Agency, as they called it, that inspired them to make flight possible in the first place - to one day fly so high that we meet our brothers beyond the stars. Nevertheless, they have been shadowing Elric's progress in life, in the field, and in the skies. There was no doubt about it; he was who they needed to lead a group. With the promise of a monthly salary and better living conditions, Elric Palmer accepted the Wright Brothers' call to serve in the Omega Squad.
Although his lack of legs made him physically weak, he was mentally strong. Elric passed his DNA restructuring by his willpower alone, and came out of the laboratories a changed man. After the procedure, Palmer was made anew. It was miraculous, as after the experiment, Palmer's legs could twitch and feel. However, they were no longer as strong as they once were. He was still unable to walk upright, much less run, jump, and climb. In response to this, the Agency offered him special A'vi technology leg braces that allowed him to do those things effortlessly. Due to the dampening of his powers, he would still be subject to being in a wheelchair; it is uncanny for the Omega Squad to have a paraplegic leader who regains and loses his ability to walk every time his powers are unleashed and inhibited. Such is the fate of the members of the Omega Squad. Still, his family is what fills his mind.
A'vi Crystal
His A'vi Crystal is located in his watch. It's given to him by the Agency.
Abilities
Tactile Telekinesis – Elric's only superpower is a telekinetic force field that surrounds his body and grants him abilities that imitates super strength, nigh physical invulnerability, and force armour generation. This telekinetic field allows Elric to lift heavy objects, as well as the ability to manipulate objects that he comes into tactile contact with, such as being able to bend otherwise unbendable objects, and shape things that are not malleable. This is done via the extension of his psionic blanket, which envelops around objects through direct touch. However, not everything he touches has to be wrapped in his telekinetic field, as he himself controls the field and thus can choose who and what to encase. When he encases his friends, loved ones, and innocent bystanders in his psionic field, they are also made nigh invulnerable and are somewhat protected.
The main disadvantage of Elric's tactile telekinetic ability is that while his field could withstand most sources of physical force (e.g. bullets, melee weapons, physical blows, etc.), the field is less effective in blocking radiant or conductive energy such as fire and laser fire. This leaves him more susceptible to energy-based attacks. Also, sufficient amounts of force from more powerful weapons, bigger and faster rounds from more effective firearms, and even large explosions, would definitely tear his telekinetic field.
Pilot and Military Training – In the army, Elric was one of the very first war pilots and excelled in this field. After he was recruited into the Omega Squad, the Wright Brothers tutored him in advanced aviation engineering and alien technologies while in service with the Agency. He is knowledgeable in aircraft operation and maintenance, and has piloted various aircrafts for the military. He is also an experienced soldier trained in unarmed combat and military weaponry such as small arms.
Armament
Flight Suit – Elric's suit and wing harness features detachable jet-powered glider wings made of lightweight A'vian metal and crystalline ribbing and Mylar. His crystalline wings are extremely sharp, and can be used to cut most of their era's materials or shield Elric from attacks. The uniform was made of synthetic stretch fabric lined with a A'vian metal-alloy mesh. His flight suit has a cowl that has many visions, such as x-ray, infrared, night, and ultraviolet, among others; has an internal comm-link connected to the other members of the Omega Squad and the Agency, state of the art digital camera; and even access to enemies' existing records be they medical, criminal, etc. Overall, this Flight Suit flies via jetpacks on his back and boots, as well as turbines that support aerial movement.
Unique to his visor, Elric has a special analyser for the environment. In this vision, he can outline buildings and walls, and using superior technology and the city's database, his suit can predict optimal flight plans and routes to intercept quicker than any of his teammates.
Phaser – Elric's signature weapon is his phaser, which can either stun via dampened electric rounds no different from today's taser, or serve its real purpose; disintegrate, which is its basic damage-dealing mode by way of superheated plasma. Elric can fire it like a normal pistol and charge this weapon to create a more devastating attack, much like plasma pistols in the Halo franchise. When charged to its maximum, it emits a red-orange light and fires of a large plasma orb that explodes on impact. This would leave these weapons vulnerable, as it cools down before being able to be used again. Elric has two of these, housed within two holsters on his left and right. These are used for on-the-ground encounters.
Wrist-mounted Guns – He has wrist-mounted guns that rapidly fire larger plasma beams. Elric's more powerful weapons, these plasma wrist-mounted guns are used for bigger opponents such as tanks, other aircrafts, and more heavily armoured foes.
Elric's also armed with miniature homing electro-caltrops that can either explode on impact or act as tracking devices.
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P
Prince
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Original poster
@Damien Kriez I'm still reviewing the history and whatnot. Mostly double-checking historical references and accuracy, nothing major. I wouldn't expect a major edit if one at all to it. Kudos to it, actually; it seems a lot more streamline and suitable than the first drafts of the original (Set) Suna. Still, I will review it more thoroughly when I have more time. I was just taking notes before I got a call from work.
First off, the phaser claims to disintegrate. That itself needs to be explained more thoroughly. In video-game logic, if it can do one specific thing that well, it needs trade-offs. How, using psuedo-science or science fantasy elements, does it work? Does it effect different materials differently? Is it weakened by barriers and/or energy? I'm not rejecting the idea; just asking more of it. Set the precedence for phaser technology, if you will.
Secondly, your suit. "The wings were covered with wafer-thin solar power receptors that convert sunlight into electricity to power miniature high-speed electric turbine fans in his uniform and boots." The suits themselves are powered by densely-charged A'vi crystals. There is no need for this technology, and the technology used to charge a crystal cannot be made small enough for a suit - even for the original A'vi. Basically, you can go ahead and remove that, then probably put in a notation about how reinforced the wings are, ie durable, sharp, dangerous. I know you hint at that some, but emphasizing it more might be acceptable. Especially considering most aviation technology of the time could be cut through easily by the wings, meaning that as of now, their offense to other fighter pilots is top notch.
And, lastly, and I'm sure you saw this coming, as to your ability of tactile telekinesis. I actually like it. Telekinesis regarding a close-proximity barrier is an interesting variant, and can be very useful for flight. The only thing I actually dislike about the ability comes in this one line: "Elric to lift heavy objects by negating that object's true weight as opposed to lifting all of its weight via real super strength." Telekinesis, as I intend to allow it here, is the use of kinetic forces to manipulate or influence the world around you: pushes, pulls, momentum, etc. While I could see tactile telekinesis being able to so heavily augment kinetic forces so that normally stout materials, such as steel, can be bendable, it won't be negating weight. That is a rejection of gravity, which itself is another fundamental force. He won't have super strength in that particular sense. I do like this ability, though, and what I like is the thought of his tactile telekinesis being like a force field that "blankets" items or objects or even people he comes to contact with. Once the blanket closes, he then can manipulate objects inside said blanket, and that could mimic super strength, create barriers, etc., but it would also impose limits such as size and the fact it would take a set amount of time to create the "blanket" around an object. Of course, there should also be other limits; for instance, while it could likely stop a bullet or several, actually, it shouldn't be true invulnerability. While weapons of that era will be relatively safe, he wouldn't be able to stop a full round of fire from a 7.64 assault rifle of our era. This gives him a ton of flexibility and strength, but does impose some limits and rules. Also, he's an aerial ace. I feel that if by concept he was invulnerable, it would defeat the dodgy, high maneuverability mentality he is to have.
Aside from those particular points, there was one other thing I wanted to bring up. You claim he's a marksmen, but you basically gave him pistol-style phasers. I also noticed that, while in air, his phasers are his only offensive weapons and are insanely versatile. What I might prefer you to do is tone down the versatility on those pistols and make them more suited for dog-fights, then actually give him a bigger gun, or maybe that wrist-mounted thing in the picture, that can do more damage if he were to use it. This would be my suggestion, alongside a few others, and while you might actually find it fruitful to implement that idea, I would also like you to consider just a few other things that I'll note in just a second.
Before I do, though, I just want to say that overall I like the character and he has a lot of good points. A lot of good ideas went into him. I can sense he has an identity. But, thematically, he's still just a little bit scattered. I'd really like you to bring that together for me some. He's got a lot of utility, which is good, but I would personally prefer to see that scaled back to perform his role as an aerial ace just somewhat more proficiently. These are my personal preferences. These last two paragraphs, I mean, so you don't need to take them to heart. They're more or less my attempt to guide this team as I envision it some, but I do hold evident the point I created this roleplay from the ideas of many. So, if you want to keep some of these more diverse elements, that's fine; this was meant to be a group project. It just comes down to, really, you have his role listed as four things. You're red; leadership is default. You don't need that there. There's going to be an archer. Chances are, she'll be the better marksmen, or the go-to individual for marksmen parts of a mission. There also appears to be an assassin character; chances are, she'll be superior in hand-to-hand combat. Even if she does use weapons primarily, these are just things to note. Basically, just because he's trained and proficient in these things doesn't make them his niche on the team. To be honest, I somewhat find it unfair that you have so many listed. He's military elite; he should be skilled at everything. I want to know what he's the best-of-the-best of; what landed him on the Omega Squad.
First off, the phaser claims to disintegrate. That itself needs to be explained more thoroughly. In video-game logic, if it can do one specific thing that well, it needs trade-offs. How, using psuedo-science or science fantasy elements, does it work? Does it effect different materials differently? Is it weakened by barriers and/or energy? I'm not rejecting the idea; just asking more of it. Set the precedence for phaser technology, if you will.
Secondly, your suit. "The wings were covered with wafer-thin solar power receptors that convert sunlight into electricity to power miniature high-speed electric turbine fans in his uniform and boots." The suits themselves are powered by densely-charged A'vi crystals. There is no need for this technology, and the technology used to charge a crystal cannot be made small enough for a suit - even for the original A'vi. Basically, you can go ahead and remove that, then probably put in a notation about how reinforced the wings are, ie durable, sharp, dangerous. I know you hint at that some, but emphasizing it more might be acceptable. Especially considering most aviation technology of the time could be cut through easily by the wings, meaning that as of now, their offense to other fighter pilots is top notch.
And, lastly, and I'm sure you saw this coming, as to your ability of tactile telekinesis. I actually like it. Telekinesis regarding a close-proximity barrier is an interesting variant, and can be very useful for flight. The only thing I actually dislike about the ability comes in this one line: "Elric to lift heavy objects by negating that object's true weight as opposed to lifting all of its weight via real super strength." Telekinesis, as I intend to allow it here, is the use of kinetic forces to manipulate or influence the world around you: pushes, pulls, momentum, etc. While I could see tactile telekinesis being able to so heavily augment kinetic forces so that normally stout materials, such as steel, can be bendable, it won't be negating weight. That is a rejection of gravity, which itself is another fundamental force. He won't have super strength in that particular sense. I do like this ability, though, and what I like is the thought of his tactile telekinesis being like a force field that "blankets" items or objects or even people he comes to contact with. Once the blanket closes, he then can manipulate objects inside said blanket, and that could mimic super strength, create barriers, etc., but it would also impose limits such as size and the fact it would take a set amount of time to create the "blanket" around an object. Of course, there should also be other limits; for instance, while it could likely stop a bullet or several, actually, it shouldn't be true invulnerability. While weapons of that era will be relatively safe, he wouldn't be able to stop a full round of fire from a 7.64 assault rifle of our era. This gives him a ton of flexibility and strength, but does impose some limits and rules. Also, he's an aerial ace. I feel that if by concept he was invulnerable, it would defeat the dodgy, high maneuverability mentality he is to have.
Aside from those particular points, there was one other thing I wanted to bring up. You claim he's a marksmen, but you basically gave him pistol-style phasers. I also noticed that, while in air, his phasers are his only offensive weapons and are insanely versatile. What I might prefer you to do is tone down the versatility on those pistols and make them more suited for dog-fights, then actually give him a bigger gun, or maybe that wrist-mounted thing in the picture, that can do more damage if he were to use it. This would be my suggestion, alongside a few others, and while you might actually find it fruitful to implement that idea, I would also like you to consider just a few other things that I'll note in just a second.
Before I do, though, I just want to say that overall I like the character and he has a lot of good points. A lot of good ideas went into him. I can sense he has an identity. But, thematically, he's still just a little bit scattered. I'd really like you to bring that together for me some. He's got a lot of utility, which is good, but I would personally prefer to see that scaled back to perform his role as an aerial ace just somewhat more proficiently. These are my personal preferences. These last two paragraphs, I mean, so you don't need to take them to heart. They're more or less my attempt to guide this team as I envision it some, but I do hold evident the point I created this roleplay from the ideas of many. So, if you want to keep some of these more diverse elements, that's fine; this was meant to be a group project. It just comes down to, really, you have his role listed as four things. You're red; leadership is default. You don't need that there. There's going to be an archer. Chances are, she'll be the better marksmen, or the go-to individual for marksmen parts of a mission. There also appears to be an assassin character; chances are, she'll be superior in hand-to-hand combat. Even if she does use weapons primarily, these are just things to note. Basically, just because he's trained and proficient in these things doesn't make them his niche on the team. To be honest, I somewhat find it unfair that you have so many listed. He's military elite; he should be skilled at everything. I want to know what he's the best-of-the-best of; what landed him on the Omega Squad.
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Damien Kriez
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Made slight changes with weapons, abilities, and the suit, like you suggested.
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More or less done with mine now, just waiting for critique since there's probably problems/things that could be better.
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Prince
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@Kaykay You hit me in a personal zone with your character in the sense that you are trying to make her a traditional ninja. Ninja, or shinobi, were mercenaries of the feudal lands of Japan, obviously, but they were mostly contracted for their covert skills. Often times, Shinobi were spies for information, or to steal a single item, or to infiltrate and assassinate an individual, but mostly they were just thieves or sent out for sabotage. Shinobi were known for utilizing the tools around them, not specific weapons, and for literally trying to avoid fighting at all costs. Quite factually, shinobi were often terrible at martial arts and were shrouded in a form of mysticism in how they tried to avoid conflict or being caught. Their tactics, stealth and resourceful nature are what earned them a spot in history; so much so that those of the era believed they had supernatural prowess.
Directly after claiming your character comes from a history of familial shinobi, you claim she is to be trained in advanced martial arts. Martial arts was a very, very small part of being a shinobi; in fact, physical combat was often one of the LAST measures a shinobi would come to. Your entire character, for the most part, speaks about how outdated the shinobi ways were, but in reality, her methods aren't even those of what a true shinobi would be. I only note this because Japanese soldiers, at times, used similar tactics to those of subterfuge by the Shinobi and were even skilled in sword styles, normally diluted samurai variants, for trench warfare. A lot of confirmed kills for Japan were from their stealthy and underhanded tactics as well as their unorthodox training in terms of close range grappling, often involving small hidden pins, knives and assassination techniques imported from eras. There is a historical conflict here that really, really irks me.
This is a major flaw in that your character concept is directly contradicted by historical fact. It's easily mended, though, so I want to highlight what I like. First and foremost, I like the concept of her being a Japanese immigrant. I also like how you incorporate her into organized crime. You have a lot of really great character elements here, as I told Damien he did. I can see a character identity and there is a strong thematic presence here. I just feel it needs tweaked some. The tweaks I have in mind are minor, but before I address them, I want to go over the rest of the CS.
For instance, Damien uses tactile telekinesis. It's a form of close-range telekinesis that requires he envelop an object, item or person in a "blanket" of telekinetic properties before he can manipulate them. What you have here is a type of ranged telekinesis that essentially requires she focus on something to manipulate it. While I understand it, I want some clarification on what this "slicing" you reference is. Do you mean she can cut through objects or that she can produce literal slices? You noted the prerequisite for the ability is an "object of focus" (which is my phrasing for it), so actual slices would obviously be contradictory. Do you mean she is capable of a clean cut through an object? If so, by what means? A strong pull, a force separating the object in its meridian, or what? This is the only real question I have for this. Otherwise, it's fine.
The Wakizashi and Sai are fine for the most part, but you do know a Wakizashi is just a foot-long blade normally used in a single hand by a Samurai, right? They're not traditionally shinobi weapons. Actually, the Sai are. Sai originally were used for planting rice, but made great weapons on the go. As I said, shinobi are meant to be resourceful. I'm fine with both weapons, I just wasn't aware if you knew the specific difference the weapons presented thematically. Anyway, the wakizashi is a plasma-based cutter while the Sai freeze things. It seems simple enough, but I would like just a little more information on the Sai. Ie, how cold can it get? Does it require water? For instance, you can't literally just freeze solid sheets of ice without water. Are you somehow generating water? Just a couple minor questions. Basically, using the cold and generating ice are two different things. You can't make ice without water.
Anyway, so as you seen here, the issues I have with your character fall into two categories: her "shinobi" background and really just wanting more information/clarification. One is simple enough to fix, just write more detail. The former, however, needs a slight rework. First and foremost for the rework, there is essentially logical reason for her to be taught and become proficient at martial arts to preserve a shinobi culture. That's not what their culture was about; it was hardly even a facet of it. Real shinobi were regarded as masters of subtlety, disguise, sleight of hand, resourcefulness, so on and so forth. Shinobi weren't really clans as much as they were mercenaries taught a trade, and shinobi "masters" were those that learned many facets of the trade. Shinobi differed greatly from actual warriors like Samurai; Shinobi weren't even actual warriors. Often times, they were considered dirty, underhanded or even "spirited" people that enlisted dark agents to help them. I would prefer you use these elements to in your character history, and they should fit fine. If she was brought into organized crime in the United States, then all of these skills would basically be perfect. Want to rob a bank? A real Shinobi would be PERFECT for that. Some hand-to-hand combat practitioner with a few stealthy tactics would actually be far less useful. Want to kill someone? A girl that can look like a regular plain-Jane, kill him with a nail from a nearby construction site, then walk off like it is nothing is far more effective than shooting up the restaurant he is eating at. You might have to rewrite some of her younger history, but in the end, it will create a considerably more accurate character. You could even implicate her family into this plot. If she's a criminal and part of an organized crime syndicate, then you could say her family was used as blackmail against her, or that they actually went to America to practice their skills there. If she was offered part of the Omega Squad for these reasons, it would make WAY more sense. She could also receive martial arts training AFTER becoming a member of the Omega Squad, so it's not like she'll be helpless. As a matter of fact, if she doesn't use ranged weapons, she might be the best hand-to-hand on the squad still, not to mention he raw resourcefulness, plus telekinesis and stealth.
Anyway, I wrote a lot because the issue here was a thematic one for the most part, so I really needed to create a firm understanding of how to fix it. It's not really a major issue, but at the same time, it is. It's not hard to fix, either. Still, I wanted to tread with a side of caution 'cause it will cause some significant character alterations. But, what I want to keep in mind here is also what I told Damien: you are meant to fill a niche on the team. You are meant to be stealth, in this case, not stealth, hand-to-hand combat, assassination, infiltration, etc., so it's good to make your central theme a strong one. Damien uses Aviation, Stealth is just as great.
@Damien Kriez I actually hadn't set the precedent for how much "healing" could happen during the process, but I don't see why he couldn't get his legs back. As a matter of fact, I believe that with physical therapy and time, Elric could likely walk entirely again. Since I am allowing this, it will be on the basis that the A'vi DNA wants to passively "fix" the body of its host to be an ideal one, thus while Elric isn't 100% ideal yet, he made it through on willpower and will become ideal again. You can use this as some form of character development, but for now, it's great as it is. Character is accepted.
Directly after claiming your character comes from a history of familial shinobi, you claim she is to be trained in advanced martial arts. Martial arts was a very, very small part of being a shinobi; in fact, physical combat was often one of the LAST measures a shinobi would come to. Your entire character, for the most part, speaks about how outdated the shinobi ways were, but in reality, her methods aren't even those of what a true shinobi would be. I only note this because Japanese soldiers, at times, used similar tactics to those of subterfuge by the Shinobi and were even skilled in sword styles, normally diluted samurai variants, for trench warfare. A lot of confirmed kills for Japan were from their stealthy and underhanded tactics as well as their unorthodox training in terms of close range grappling, often involving small hidden pins, knives and assassination techniques imported from eras. There is a historical conflict here that really, really irks me.
This is a major flaw in that your character concept is directly contradicted by historical fact. It's easily mended, though, so I want to highlight what I like. First and foremost, I like the concept of her being a Japanese immigrant. I also like how you incorporate her into organized crime. You have a lot of really great character elements here, as I told Damien he did. I can see a character identity and there is a strong thematic presence here. I just feel it needs tweaked some. The tweaks I have in mind are minor, but before I address them, I want to go over the rest of the CS.
For instance, Damien uses tactile telekinesis. It's a form of close-range telekinesis that requires he envelop an object, item or person in a "blanket" of telekinetic properties before he can manipulate them. What you have here is a type of ranged telekinesis that essentially requires she focus on something to manipulate it. While I understand it, I want some clarification on what this "slicing" you reference is. Do you mean she can cut through objects or that she can produce literal slices? You noted the prerequisite for the ability is an "object of focus" (which is my phrasing for it), so actual slices would obviously be contradictory. Do you mean she is capable of a clean cut through an object? If so, by what means? A strong pull, a force separating the object in its meridian, or what? This is the only real question I have for this. Otherwise, it's fine.
The Wakizashi and Sai are fine for the most part, but you do know a Wakizashi is just a foot-long blade normally used in a single hand by a Samurai, right? They're not traditionally shinobi weapons. Actually, the Sai are. Sai originally were used for planting rice, but made great weapons on the go. As I said, shinobi are meant to be resourceful. I'm fine with both weapons, I just wasn't aware if you knew the specific difference the weapons presented thematically. Anyway, the wakizashi is a plasma-based cutter while the Sai freeze things. It seems simple enough, but I would like just a little more information on the Sai. Ie, how cold can it get? Does it require water? For instance, you can't literally just freeze solid sheets of ice without water. Are you somehow generating water? Just a couple minor questions. Basically, using the cold and generating ice are two different things. You can't make ice without water.
Anyway, so as you seen here, the issues I have with your character fall into two categories: her "shinobi" background and really just wanting more information/clarification. One is simple enough to fix, just write more detail. The former, however, needs a slight rework. First and foremost for the rework, there is essentially logical reason for her to be taught and become proficient at martial arts to preserve a shinobi culture. That's not what their culture was about; it was hardly even a facet of it. Real shinobi were regarded as masters of subtlety, disguise, sleight of hand, resourcefulness, so on and so forth. Shinobi weren't really clans as much as they were mercenaries taught a trade, and shinobi "masters" were those that learned many facets of the trade. Shinobi differed greatly from actual warriors like Samurai; Shinobi weren't even actual warriors. Often times, they were considered dirty, underhanded or even "spirited" people that enlisted dark agents to help them. I would prefer you use these elements to in your character history, and they should fit fine. If she was brought into organized crime in the United States, then all of these skills would basically be perfect. Want to rob a bank? A real Shinobi would be PERFECT for that. Some hand-to-hand combat practitioner with a few stealthy tactics would actually be far less useful. Want to kill someone? A girl that can look like a regular plain-Jane, kill him with a nail from a nearby construction site, then walk off like it is nothing is far more effective than shooting up the restaurant he is eating at. You might have to rewrite some of her younger history, but in the end, it will create a considerably more accurate character. You could even implicate her family into this plot. If she's a criminal and part of an organized crime syndicate, then you could say her family was used as blackmail against her, or that they actually went to America to practice their skills there. If she was offered part of the Omega Squad for these reasons, it would make WAY more sense. She could also receive martial arts training AFTER becoming a member of the Omega Squad, so it's not like she'll be helpless. As a matter of fact, if she doesn't use ranged weapons, she might be the best hand-to-hand on the squad still, not to mention he raw resourcefulness, plus telekinesis and stealth.
Anyway, I wrote a lot because the issue here was a thematic one for the most part, so I really needed to create a firm understanding of how to fix it. It's not really a major issue, but at the same time, it is. It's not hard to fix, either. Still, I wanted to tread with a side of caution 'cause it will cause some significant character alterations. But, what I want to keep in mind here is also what I told Damien: you are meant to fill a niche on the team. You are meant to be stealth, in this case, not stealth, hand-to-hand combat, assassination, infiltration, etc., so it's good to make your central theme a strong one. Damien uses Aviation, Stealth is just as great.
@Damien Kriez I actually hadn't set the precedent for how much "healing" could happen during the process, but I don't see why he couldn't get his legs back. As a matter of fact, I believe that with physical therapy and time, Elric could likely walk entirely again. Since I am allowing this, it will be on the basis that the A'vi DNA wants to passively "fix" the body of its host to be an ideal one, thus while Elric isn't 100% ideal yet, he made it through on willpower and will become ideal again. You can use this as some form of character development, but for now, it's great as it is. Character is accepted.
D
Damien Kriez
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Alright, changed history stuff. I'm no history buff so yeah, pointing out any historical failures is good. Anyway the "slicing" motion is just imitated by ripping the object instead, like ripping apart a piece of paper. With no hands visible though, it somewhat resembles a "slice." There's no telekinetic sword cutting things apart or whatever, it's more like two opposite pulls on something.
As for the wakizashi, I just wanted a cutting weapon, like a machete. A wakizashi is similar in length and since the character is Japanese I figured it'd be fine. Anyway as long as you're fine with that I'm fine.
For the Sai, I didn't really think about the science behind it, just thought it'd be cool and you mentioned something about freezing weapons in the info post. I changed it to drain energy from areas it slices through, though I'm not sure that's solid science. No idea how one would design such a weapon.
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Prince
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@Kaykay It looks a lot better than before. For her Sai, you don't need to say that they draw energy as much as they draw heat. A few minor details I want to hammer out: how good is she at English? For instance, you say she isn't that good, but she is proficient. I'm not for sure what you mean.
Anyway, you have the right outline as it is now. She is basically acceptable. What I would like to see is a better transition from Japanese immigrant to thief to mobster. I feel like you just wrote it through some, which is fine since it was a rewrite and you were testing the water, and I would like to see more detail and more development. Maybe an extra paragraph or so would be good, a little rewrite here and there. Make it a bit darker, grittier, really take advantage of the Mafia of the 1920's. Drug trade, bootlegging, human trafficking, murder, black mail, racketeering, major theft, black market goods, and probably extortion for the most part. Anything to make it feel less general. Lastly, if you could up her age by 2-5 years, it would be immensely more believable.
Anyway, you have the right outline as it is now. She is basically acceptable. What I would like to see is a better transition from Japanese immigrant to thief to mobster. I feel like you just wrote it through some, which is fine since it was a rewrite and you were testing the water, and I would like to see more detail and more development. Maybe an extra paragraph or so would be good, a little rewrite here and there. Make it a bit darker, grittier, really take advantage of the Mafia of the 1920's. Drug trade, bootlegging, human trafficking, murder, black mail, racketeering, major theft, black market goods, and probably extortion for the most part. Anything to make it feel less general. Lastly, if you could up her age by 2-5 years, it would be immensely more believable.
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