Not sure what to do with my life.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Ursarion, Feb 9, 2013.

  1. Well, here comes a "emo" thread.


    I've been into art since I was in fifth grade, drawing, painting, writing, taking pictures, everything, really.
    I'm out of school now, I'm 18 years old, almost 19.

    And tonight, at this moment, I've decided to give up art.
    Most everything.
    I might write or take pictures still, but I'm not sure.

    Before, I loved art. It was my escape, my way to express myself.
    But lately, I've just been hating it- I feel like I should have gotten so much better by now.
    I feel like I've barely improved since middle school.
    It's so frustrating, and I lose my patience easily with it-
    and I hate it. It makes me angry.
    I can't seem to do it right lately, and I just feel like I need to quit.
    Instead of helping me escape life, it makes me angry and annoyed with everything.

    Besides that, I'm a total fucking loser.
    I didn't graduate, I dropped out in 11th grade, I STILL don't have my GED, and I have no job.
    I live with my mom, I can't drive, and I have anxiety, depression, OCD, high blood pressure, and some anger issues.
    And on top of all that, I'm fat.
    I feel like a total reject, someone who shouldn't even be alive.

    I hate everything at the moment, I feel so angry and suffocated I want to just shoot myself.
    I used to be a cutter, and I feel like cutting myself again, just to maybe release some of the anger.
    Or something.

    I'm way too angry and depressed.
    Nothing helps except music.

    And I snap at everyone, for no reason usually.
    I'm just. so. angry.
    My boyfriend is irritating me beyond belief lately, and I can't stand him.
    I love him, but fuck.


    Also, everything seems to be screwing up lately, which adds to my anger.
    Like my laptop- my boyfriend spilled water on the mouse pad, so it broke.
    So we're using a USB mouse, and it's fucked up now too.
    It scrolls up and down on it's own.
    And my phone likes to stay stuck in side mode, and click random shit.
    It's a brand new phone.

    I don't know- JUST EVERYTHING IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY.
    god.

    Also, I learned I have to have surgery again for endometriosis,
    I had it a year ago, and had surgery, and now it's back.

    I just hate everything.
    I'm sorry you had to read this.

    I just needed to get it out there.


     
  2. I used to be an art person too! I would draw every day, took classes, and learned lots of stuff and planned on having a career in it, but eventually I started doing it less and less. And it wound up replaced by my other passion (writing). I think it's natural for people's interest in something to change over the years. And if you're starting to HATE it, you might need a break from it, or need to start looking for a new passion. You dun have to give up heart, but trying new things to discover what else you love is an excellent thing to do!

    I also never graduated. ._.; After 10th grade I threatened to quit school trying to ultimatum my mom in to getting me summer school cause I knew I wasn't going to graduate on time if I didn't. Needless to say, I never got my summer school. c__c I also never got my GED. And I also STILL do not have a driver's license. I am also very fluffy to the point of starting to feel really self conscious about it. I have severe anxiety and personal space issues. A phobia of telephones and unexpected questions.

    For many years I was the scary kind of suicidal and depressed. And it took years of hard, daily work to get myself to a better place and better mental health. >< And lately I have been having those bad feelings again in a major bad way, so I might not be the best person to give advice at the moment. c___c But I will tell you all of the things that helped me back then to feel better, and all of the things I am doing right NOW to try and shift my mood!


    Find a Project you can put effort in to and will give you a sense of accomplishment. <-- Back then I started a website and watching it grow made me feel like I had something to offer. Right NOW I am working on little house projects, cause seeing those completed helps me feel like I am not just a waste of space and energy.

    Everyday thing of one thing you are really grateful to have in your life. <-- When I lived in a bad environment, it was really hard to see any good in my life. So I always tried to think of things/people/events that I was really lucky to have. I still do it now so I never forget that life can be a whole lot worse, and so I appreciate everything I have.

    Everyday focus on the GOOD things that happened that day. Anything that made you laugh or smile. <-- This one was also really hard back then. But it did sooo muuuuch goood when I dropped the habit of wallowing in misery and started looking for bright sides instead. And it really is a habit you have to force yourself in to, especially if you are naturally pessimistic. D: It dun matter if it's as simple as laughing at a picture. After awhile your brain gets used to focusing on those good moments, and you gradually learn how to brush off and ignore stupid little things that aren't worth getting upset over.

    Do one thing, everyday, that is just for you and something that you love. <-- A lot of my depression came/comes from feeling like I don't deserve good things or treatment. That I am a loser/worthless/etc. And that's a silly thing for ANYone to think. >< So anything you can do that makes you feel better and is JUST for you is a must. I do things like putting on fancy makeup, painting my nails, a long bath, watching a cheesy romantic comedy, gratuitous pleasure roleplaying, looking at adorable cat pictures... Anything that makes you happy!

    Have a clean and organized environment! <-- I dunno how helpful this would be for anyone else, but I have discovered that my mood perks up A LOT when my space is clean. All of the clutter makes me feel like one of those useless housewives, and like a big slobby sloth. ._.; So I am trying to make an effort to keep my table cleared off, and all my chores done on a more regular basis.



    And that is the jist of it. I dunno how helpful that will be for you, but those are the things I am working on myself right now. D:
     
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  3. I can try those things, for sure.
    Thank you for replying!
    It's not that I hate art, I guess. I love it, but my art isn't improving enough for me.
    I need to practice, but I think I need to settle other things in my life first.
    Maybe the frustrations with other parts of my life are making me dislike my art.
    I'll try the things you mentioned. :) thank you so much~
     
  4. I know how you feel with art. I kept trying and trying and never getting better, or whenever I did level up in drawing it wasn't a significant improvement. It didn't help that I was always comparing my art to others' art... I had friends who were naturally born with talent. I did give it up; art and I weren't meant to be. Don't YOU give up completely, though. Especially if you still feel a passion for it! Look into some art books, maybe art classes? :] There are people here who could coach you, I bet. Julez/Hydronine always gives wonderful criticism. She helped me make some drawings look better in the past. <3

    I have depression, anxiety, an addiction to self harm, and PTSD that all result from 16 years of abuse. Yes, they make me a fuck up. No, they don't make me useless. I'm only 21, I'm going to be a mom soon, I'm with a man I love, I have ambitions and goals that are on hold but not canceled. You've got to keep faith in yourself and try not to let everything hurt you. This might sound lame, but you'll eventually become numb to the problems life throws at you if you just take it like a man and brush it off. The first few times won't feel good, but the next few will not be as bad. Once to learn to not give any fucks, you'll have a brighter confidence! I think of it like building an armor around yourself to protect what's sensitive. For that, my boyfriend nicknamed me 'Iron Woman'. lol You can be Iron Woman too. :3

    Being angry all the time isn't your fault. People and life itself aren't being fair to you. I'd probably behave the same if I had to get surgery, had a busted laptop, all the junk... Do what Diana said, though. Try to focus on what good you have. Even if it's not much, it can multiply into much more if you want it to. It's like, if you find one pretty seashell on the beach... You can have two shells, maybe even three if you put the effort into looking for them. :] Everything takes some work. Do all you can to healthily express your anger so that it won't become a demon that sits on your shoulder for life.

    If you ever want to, PM me and I'll offer some coping skills to you. I learned a lot from therapy and support groups. I'm more than willing to pass on the knowledge so that you can help yourself. I even know some ways to deal with anger because I used to be an openly angry person myself. At the very least, let me cheer you up. Send me a list of random stuff about you and I'll make a poem out of it. xD You can even opt for me to snail mail it all decorated with STICKERS~ Seriously. <3 It can be my Valentine to you.

    Also, don't call yourself a loser. You're only 19! There's so much time for you to make something of yourself. When you're ready, try for that GED! Don't give up on the creative field for a passion, or even a career. I've seen some of your roleplay and roleplay ideas, you genius you.
     
  5. Like they said about art, you don't have to be better. If you don't want a career in it anymore, that's okay, but remember that it's not a competition. You're not going to "win" anything, there is no certification for saying that you are now an artist people can enjoy without feeling self-conscious... you just do what you do because you love to do it. If you're not feeling it right now, not loving it, then allow yourself to take a break but if it's something you love, don't force yourself to give it up forever just because you feel like it's not the best art that was ever arted.

    As for being happy in general, it can be hard feeling like you don't have a lot of options because of schooling and driving and everything. What I recommend, if you can, is also being outside and walking around and maybe even going places. Even if you have nowhere to go and no plans for the day, get on clothes that make you feel pretty and go buy a tube of chapstick from the gas station or even just look around a bookstore.

    I know it can be hard when you're sad and you feel trapped, as if there's nothing that you can do and nowhere you can go. I sympathize with those thoughts and they can be so hard to cope with. But you can go anywhere. Remember that on foot, you can go pretty much anywhere if you've got the time. You're not trapped, you're young and you still have so many options, I promise.

    Just remember to keep wanting good things for yourself, do what nurtures you. Would it make you feel happier and would it give you a sense of accomplishment to get a GED? I had a friend in high school who got one, and it was the best choice for her and now she's happier. They aren't impossible to get, so don't think it's an insurmountable obstacle - you can take little steps to get your big goal finished. Review one of the school subjects every week, quiz yourself, I'll bet you'll do great. If that isn't what you want for yourself, though, remember that you can do what you want with your life. Lessons in art from a community center could be really fun for you. So many options in the world!
     
  6. You may also be feeling very angry towards your art due to your depression. I have gone through it a lot over the past years, feeling unmotivated and just bleh about it until one day I decided to just stare at other peoples work and try something different. It helped, a lot. Setting challenges for yourself does help, it gives you something to keep your mind busy with.

    Our mind is our worse enemy and this society is prone to anxiety, depression and anger so don't feel alone.

    I've been dropping out of college since 07 due to anxiety and this annoying voice in my head telling me people are laughing at me, of course I know it's not true but my insecurities have proven to be the winner in where I'm stuck at a school I DESPISE with a passion, so I feel your pain on not graduating like the other people in our age groups. It's frustrating but look at it this way...maybe you're not meant to graduate just this moment, ya know? Our history makes us who we are, warriors made of wood or steel.

    I don't know how to drive either although it's a goal for this year to stop being a whim and learn, lol. There's nothing wrong with not knowing, plenty of people don't. You're not a loser for living with your mom, I do =D. And plenty more people do! Sometimes writing emails to yourself helps, basically saying everything you want to say outloud or in writing is a better way to deal with your anger than self harm. I've been in very dark, dark places and just cried in the bathroom with my phone in my hand before writing everything down I felt I was unable to speak outloud. It relieved some major stress and than I just deleted and moved on. Try it, it may help.

    Also add some nuts and bananas into your diet. Potassium helps! It's literally a cure for happiness! I wouldn't be surprised if all the junk we eat everyday just kicked it out our system, ya know? The way we take care of our bodies is the way we take care of our minds. I gained a lot of weight due to my asthma and steroids over two years so I felt like a walrus, <_< even tho I don't look anywhere near one. I have started eating a bit healthier, drinking more tea (tea also helps!) and not really exercising (cause I'm lazy =D) which has somehow resulted in me losing half the weight I gained. A lot of happiness followed this. Exercising helps, go for a walk once or twice a week maybe with a friend or your mom.

    And get some laughter in your life. I tend to hide out in chat because I find the people in there wonderful and they always manage to make me laugh or smile. Laughing is always a great cure for feeling blue, ya know? And talk to a doctor about this, one that cares (we all run into those who just don't care <_<).

    I know it ain't easy and there's rarely things anyone can say to make you feel better but I hope things look up for you, ya know? Life is like a sourpatch kid. <3