Not sure if I can deal with being "just friends"...

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Edwin Felspar, Jul 24, 2015.

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  1. TLDR version: I've fallen for one of my best friends but she does not reciprocate. I've tried doing the "just friends" thing, but I don't want that and it hurts to spend time with her. Should I just cut ties?

    Met this girl almost a year ago at a party. We were instant friends and eventually we started walking together (I'm trying to lose weight). That was great, 40 minutes just the two of us, never stopped talking. I fell hard for her at this point. I invited her to a movie with a group of friends, but my friends all canceled. She texted me a couple hours before the show saying she didn't want to go if it was just us, because it would feel like a date and she didn't want that. I was a little crushed, I wanted to at least have had a chance to legitimately ask her out before she turned me down. We stayed friends though. Have continued walking fairly regularly, and we hang out with our shared group of friends. Usually I can keep my emotions in check enough to make things bearable, but the other day we literally spent the whole day together 10am till about midnight (not alone, with two other couples for the majority of it). That just about killed me by the end of the day. I can't do that again.

    She's going out of town for a while, but I told her when she gets back we need to talk. We sort of talked about the nature of our friendship before, but it was over text and really avoided saying anything serious. So, I want to sit down face to face and hash out my feelings and how hard this is with her and figure out how we should proceed. I suppose there is a 0.00001% chance enough time has past and we've spent enough time together she might like me... but I would not bet on it. I am just not sure what to say. I don't want to scare her talking about how much I like her, or make her feel awkward and uncomfortable. But I'm sort of at this point where I'm miserable when I'm with her as just her friend, I can't shut down my feelings/desires when I am with her. I don't know, maybe if I just keep this in mind and limit my time to a few hours every few days I can do it. Maybe I just need to get some distance for a while and see about hanging out again after a few months. Or, maybe I should just cut all ties and try to move on... That's how I "got over" my ex, but that was a very different animal altogether. -sigh-

    I am just curious to hear other's opinions on the matter. Been posting this on Omegle chat to amuse myself, heh, got some interesting replies.
     
  2. Take it one step at a time.
    This here is what you should focus on for now.

    The further you try to think ahead, the more energy it will cost you. You don't know what comes past. Putting your feelings out there in and by itself is scary enough. For now try to figure out how you are going to handle that. So first, take a deep breath. If she says yes, great. Problem irrelevant. If she says no, give yourself a couple days of rest before you decide on what you do. Or even think about it. Seriously, you will only come up with the worst solutions. You're in a very emotional state and that tends not to be the best time to make decisions.

    So. Focus on what is directly ahead of you and make sure to find a cool before you make a decision in case it doesn't work out... And ironically, working out during this period can function as great stress relief. Just make sure not to overdo it. Lovely mistake I made one time. Seriously, never been so sore in my life ;p
     
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  3. Communication and having a rational head on one's shoulder is key.

    If the problem isn't at least talked about/addressed this is bound to snowball, so you should definitely make sure you give it some attention with her.
    But also remember getting to emotionally wrapped in it leads to hastiness, rash decisions, those that aren't founded on my reason or logic, which as a result only hurts both of you.
    So if you do feel overwhelmed don't be afraid to say so and pick up the discussion again later.
     
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  4. Thanks. It was good that she left town for a few days so I have had time to sit and work through this on my own some first. Also that I did text her saying we need to talk before she left and before I let it slide, or I would do just that. I need to have this talk. I don't know what will come of it, but you rarely do in life.

    Thanks to the both of you. Your advice, along with some close friends who said the same, has really helped. I might reply with a follow up once we talk.
     
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  5. Hey man don't sweet it, good luck.

    We're all here if you need any more help.
     
  6. Talked to her last week. It seems silly now that I was freaking out about it even a little. But it was definitely good. I was able to talk through what I was feeling and why it was hard to do things like spend the whole day hanging out with her doing certain things. We're still friends and still hang out like before, walking every couple days and talking about anything and everything. I think talking allowed me to sort through my own feelings and move on so that we can be even better friends. At least now I know if I ever start to have feelings I know she does not return, I can just tell her and she'll give me whatever space I need. It is also MUCH better to talk in person than to exchange a few texts, which is all we had done previously. There's something about body language, eye contact, and talking (as opposed to text) that leaves no room for misinterpretation. So, still forever alone, but I can deal with that. Life's pretty good, no point in worrying about what you don't have when you have so much. Thanks again for the advice, it helped to keep me from doing anything stupid. :)
     
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