Not a rant, just feeling like a horrible person today

[Serlenia]

Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest and just telling it to friends and/or family, who are bound to tell you that what you did wasn't as bad as you think, isn't enough.

In my short life so far (I'm only 21 XD) I haven't done too many horrible things. I don't do drugs, I don't drink very often (if at all) and I don't bully or be mean to people. I volunteer, I work hard and get good grades in college. Today though I feel like I've done one of the worst things ever.

Where I live it is normal for you to wait for a funeral procession to pass even if you have the green light. I've seen about five so far in my driving career (which is five-six years on the road) which might be more than usual because I live in an area with funeral homes nearby. Every other time I've seen one I've stopped. Well today something changed.

I was at a weird stop light that basically gives way for traffic from a club. I'll admit, I wasn't paying very close attention today because I had a lot on my mind and a lot that needed to be done. I just knew that I was looking at the light and it turned green. I was getting ready to go when a car passed by in front of me and honestly I didn't think much of it because plenty of people try to make it under a light even when it is pretty much a red light right as they pass under it. So I waited until the car passed and started to go before I realized that the next car wasn't stopping so I stopped. The car honked at me and I was appalled because I didn't know why she was honking at me when I had the green light. After she went, I went and as I was going I noticed the car after her kept going to and then I noticed it. The stupid tiny orange flag that signaled it was a funeral procession. I call it stupid because it was small (in my opinion)! I should've realized it right then and there when the first car went and then when she was going and then honked at me when I tried going. I don't know why my mind didn't put all the pieces together but it didn't and so I didn't realize it until that moment I looked back and saw that orange flag...

After that I kept driving and I felt horrible. I had just dishonored the person they where driving for and pretty much gave them a big 'Fuck you'. I wanted to run home and bury myself in my bed and never come out again. Especially in this day and age where everyone has a phone and likes taking pictures even when they are behind the wheel. I keep thinking that any moment now my picture is going to be on the internet signalling me as a horrible person who won't wait for a funeral procession to pass. It was slightly busy so there were plenty of people to see me being a jackass too.. I can't even tell you why I didn't see it. I know I should've been paying close attention and usually I am. Today was just the one day I wasn't and I paid for it. Since I can't really say sorry to the person I just want to say sorry for being an idiot and not paying attention. Although now I fear that one day I'll run into this person and she'll go off on me >.>... That's my biggest fear honestly.

I talked to some people about it and it made me feel slightly better to realize that they have made the same mistake at some point in their life but it still doesn't make me feel any better about it today. I know with time the memory will fade and become foggy but today I feel like a jerk. Thanks for reading and hopefully you don't think I'm a completely horrible person. I swear I'm actually pretty nice :( and I do pay attention to traffic. It's just one of those things where I can't really explain why I did what I did.

So I guess to end this I want to ask all of you out there. What is one horrible and/or stupid thing you've done in your life? Don't have to answer this in your reply if you don't want to but it's just for other people who might want to get something off their chest as well.

 

[Fijoli]

everybody makes mistakes lol, Honestly I got a good chuckle out of this, as I read it.

I have seen and done much worse and I'm only about 4 or 5 years older than you. Things too personal to say in public.

My experience with funerals and my relationship with the dead has been very common and had become close, the stigma and restrictions we put on the living for the recently deceased is nothing but a stigma.

You are conditioned to feel more bad about this silly mistake simply because there was a dead person at the end of that line of cars. Had what you done been intentional, then you are being disrespectful. Perception is so important and people in grieving rarely ever take it in to perspective the mistakes that are inevitably made.

Once you realized, you owned up to it and took responsibility for it so, pat yourself on the back.

The reality is, that person is dead, and doesn't really care in the least. Am I condoning this? No. But this absolutly does not make you a bad person either. Your intent makes what you are not your mistakes.

Perfect example of mine, was also at a funeral. I switched out the family's Punch bowl with an Alcoholic Punch Bowl. Thinking this is going to be fun....well it wasn't fun, in fact, it got very very scary. Thankfully, it was after the viewing and at a reception. My intent was to lighten everyone up and relax, talk bout and remember my Uncle.

That is not what happen, I was 25, the age I am now. It is ok to be caught up in our own worlds. The dead certainly don't have an opinion on the matter while...well....dead. Anyway, when I retrieved the monks in the temple, I immediately owned up to being irresponsible and braught alchohol into their hall (even though alcohol was allowed there). I was so distraught and ashamed, but they didn't even care! Later the younger monk tells me,"It's not your fault you wanted to have fun, your uncle loved to have fun and pulled tricks in the hall like this all the time. you took responsibility for yourself. Now...you know better than yesterday." (I miss my temple really bad now)

yea, We all make mistakes :) don't beat yourself up too much over it.

Fijo<3

 

[Fluffy]

I hope by now, you feel much better than you did then. Don't go through your life anticipating a bad encounter with that woman. Chances are, she wouldn't recognize you? Just apologize again and move on, if need be. Anxiety will eat away at you otherwise. It's awesome that you had friends who were willing to admit to doing similar things. I'm sure it's a common mistake. People act dumb even when they're in familiar environments. It's normal.

And, well, I thought I would tell you I do dumb shit everyday because I'm awkward and weird. Here's one of many examples: I'm the type of person who smiles when it isn't appropriate. Laughs even slip out sometimes. It's not me thinking the tragic situation is funny, that's me trying to cope with what I'm hearing. I laugh and smile awkwardly, it's mostly out of my control. It's gotten me in trouble a few times, and I'd feel like such a dick for days. I did that when I was told about someone's dog dying, and someone's kid being in the hospital. .__.; Go me.

Just gotta keep floating on. <3

 

[Zizikitty]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. It was an honest accident and you didn't mean to be disrespectful. If the flag wasn't able to be seen easily then I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. The really good thing is you have enough humility to be like "wow I feel like an ass" instead of blaming the situation on something else and trying to make yourself innocent. You owned up to yourself and others that you did something wrong.

I'm not a religious person... at all lmao but sometimes people find solace in asking for forgiveness. If you are religious maybe pray to god (or whom ever) and say sorry. Or light a white candle in the person's honor. I do believe in spirits and ghosts and I'm sure the deceased knows you feel bad about it.

I seriously doubt the woman will hunt you down and be like "YOU'RE RUDE" but if by some crazy chance you do see her again, be the first one to say sorry. Although I serious doubt you'll ever see her again.

And honestly... I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING. I probably would have threw my hands up like "WTF CAN'T YOU SEE MY GREEN LIGHT??" But there are SO many horrible drivers in Florida it's not even funny.

So seriously, you're not an ass. You're not a jerk. You are human (unless you're really an alien O_o) and humans make mistakes. The good thing is you realized your mistake. Most people don't.

/hugs

 

[Serlenia]

Thank you guys! I am feeling slightly better now. I'll probably still beat myself up for a few more days but then that's just who I am XD. Then I'll probably have days for a few months where, for whatever reason, I remember the incident and feel like smacking myself in the face for being stupid.

And I honestly don't think the woman would hunt me down(That's a terrifying thought 0.0). It's just I tend to see a lot of people while volunteering and working and I just feel like it would be my luck that she would live around here and I would run into her XD. I'll probably be paranoid about it for a month or so... Because she honestly looked like the type of woman who would see me and just start shouting at me >.>.

But seriously, thanks. Sometimes it helps just to hear opinions from people who don't know me personally.

Also, where I live we didn't seem to have horrible drivers for a while but this past year it seems like more people are running red lights, speeding, and tailgating. It's been pretty unreal o.O..