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a replacement of my fallen love, the blog feature
as i further my transition, the kind of loneliness and isolation i feel shifts more from purposeful isolation - 'i do not want to be close to people, less they see who i really am, and i am ashamed' - and more of a by-product of my masculinization. never have i, nor will i ever, be especially masculine, but my journey to 'become a man' has pushed me from 'a woman' or 'fem' to become something generally loathed by my previously comfortable leftist and queer circles - 'a man'
i find myself analyzing my entire relationship with my identity, and every single interaction i have with others, in a way i never have before
Do I Not Belong In Feminism Now?
'am i privileged now? do i experience blanket male privilege, like my cis male counterparts?'
the answer to which is complex... of course i am very privileged in many areas - i am white, i am middle class with upper-middle class parents who support me in many ways, i am able-bodied, i have a vast support network through this transition - but do i experience male privilege, in literally any capacity? is it wrong to say no? i do not pass, not even slightly. never once have i been gendered correctly IRL. in every way thus far i still suffer from the effects of misogyny like i did pre-transition, with a fun new trans lens that i don't quite understand how to parse. thus seeing accusations thrown my way that i have male privilege and therefore should 'sit down' for discussions of real issues that affect me personally is, frankly, shocking.
is it wrong? i don't know. maybe i deserve it, but whether i deserve it or not, it is shocking. i didn't expect it, is what i mean
do people hate me now? i wonder. my friends, do they not relate to me anymore? do they not like me anymore, because i am a man? does it matter that i am GNC, in many ways still more feminine than masculine? would people be more comfortable with me if i identified as NB? i don't want people that i love to be uncomfortable around me now that i've transitioned. that's always been one of my biggest fears. and i can't just outright ask, 'do you not like me anymore?' having these insecurities is one thing, but voicing them to someone else? inconceivable.
i've been rambling about this a lot lately, to people that will listen, and if any of them click here and read this they'll probably think that i'm obsessed and need to let things go, but it's very isolating, and quite distressing, because i am a pathetic baby, and i guess part of me just wants someone to pat my head and go 'there, there, your concerns are valid'
or even tell me i'm being a fucking idiot, i guess
i mean i don't want to projectile word vomit into an echo chamber, which is why i haven't posted anything about this in any trans-male circles because i just know those ravenous little red-pilled truscum will find it the very moment they catch a whiff of my insecurity, and i don't want that
i did not anticipate this as part of my transition. this isolation from the communities that i used to take such solace in. i didn't think, upon taking testosterone, that i would be on my way to becoming some kind of enemy. perhaps i should have? the worst part about all this is that i know i'm just being whiny! even as a trans person i don't exactly have it That Hard - i was able to privately fund my own top surgery for god's sake - but this is still something i don't quite know how to navigate. so i ponder it, hoping one day i'll be able to articulate my thoughts and my concerns in a smart way. i know trans women have it worse than me. i'm not trying to argue that my issues trump those of trans women or that they're somehow oppressing me (because there are trans men that honestly believe the latter point and i cannot fathom having my head that far up my own ass)
my number one goal is to uplift the voices of those most disenfranchised but i also feel passionate about speaking to the issues myself and other trans masculine people face, because no one wants to talk about them, and they do exist. but i don't know how to do that without upsetting other people or decentering other issues. at what point does 'trans men face violence too, and it isn't talked about' become 'What About The Men' ?
more than anything i fear becoming That Man. and frankly sometimes i end up wondering if it's worth 'becoming a man' because of all of this. i have my fair share of issues with manhood and masculinity going into this, anyway; even now i am exceedingly uncomfortable around most cis men, especially cis straight men, and i feel guilty for that too - lord is there anything i don't feel guilty for? i feel guilty for existing. 'i cannot be a man if i can't interact with other men properly'. and i perhaps wonder if that alone is part of my issue, that i'm afraid that the women and fem-aligned people i am most comfortable being around won't want to be around me anymore. so i am in this position where i am not comfortable around most cis men (despite all of my closest irl friends being cis men...but they're all queer, and my best friend i've known for over a decade), but i worry so much about making women/fem-aligned people uncomfortable that i wonder if i deserve to be around people at all, except other trans guys and FRANKLY i feel utterly out of place in 99% of trans male spaces anyway, because i'm either too old, too young, not left enough, too left, or straight up not enough of an MRA tool to fit in (toxic masculinity is such a strange beast among trans men but that's a can of worms for another time)
there's also the whole issue of not passing, and the high probability of not ever passing, not if i want to be comfortable with my own presentation; let it be known that i feel like an utter tool trying to 'masc it up' just for the sake of trying to pass. i worry to the point of illness about making others uncomfortable with my 'manhood', yet do any of these people even actually see me as a man? probably not, right? it's hard to accept knowing that the people in my life, my family, my friends, all those who i care so deeply about will never truly see me as a man. even if i looked like my brother, bald and bearded and masculine, they would probably still only see me as their daughter, niece, female friend. and i certainly don't want to look like that! i like being androgynous!
even the people i've met online, the people who have only known me as 'he' - if i met them irl, spoke to them through discord with my voice that six months on still doesn't sound even close to male, would they actually see me as male?
so i find myself floating in some kind of limbo, where i am Too Male for some places, but not Male Enough for most other places, and it feels like in most aspects i am AFAB first and maybe possibly male second, when it suits other people to consider me a man, and almost never for positive reasons
i guess what i'm saying is...now that i am on T, post-top surgery, more comfortable with my physicality i have started being aware of and worrying more about more cerebral aspects of my transition, and in some ways they are even more overwhelming than the physical dysphoria that has plagued me (and continues to plague me) my entire life.
well, whatever...
if anyone read all this you get a prize
as i further my transition, the kind of loneliness and isolation i feel shifts more from purposeful isolation - 'i do not want to be close to people, less they see who i really am, and i am ashamed' - and more of a by-product of my masculinization. never have i, nor will i ever, be especially masculine, but my journey to 'become a man' has pushed me from 'a woman' or 'fem' to become something generally loathed by my previously comfortable leftist and queer circles - 'a man'
i find myself analyzing my entire relationship with my identity, and every single interaction i have with others, in a way i never have before
Do I Not Belong In Feminism Now?
'am i privileged now? do i experience blanket male privilege, like my cis male counterparts?'
the answer to which is complex... of course i am very privileged in many areas - i am white, i am middle class with upper-middle class parents who support me in many ways, i am able-bodied, i have a vast support network through this transition - but do i experience male privilege, in literally any capacity? is it wrong to say no? i do not pass, not even slightly. never once have i been gendered correctly IRL. in every way thus far i still suffer from the effects of misogyny like i did pre-transition, with a fun new trans lens that i don't quite understand how to parse. thus seeing accusations thrown my way that i have male privilege and therefore should 'sit down' for discussions of real issues that affect me personally is, frankly, shocking.
is it wrong? i don't know. maybe i deserve it, but whether i deserve it or not, it is shocking. i didn't expect it, is what i mean
do people hate me now? i wonder. my friends, do they not relate to me anymore? do they not like me anymore, because i am a man? does it matter that i am GNC, in many ways still more feminine than masculine? would people be more comfortable with me if i identified as NB? i don't want people that i love to be uncomfortable around me now that i've transitioned. that's always been one of my biggest fears. and i can't just outright ask, 'do you not like me anymore?' having these insecurities is one thing, but voicing them to someone else? inconceivable.
i've been rambling about this a lot lately, to people that will listen, and if any of them click here and read this they'll probably think that i'm obsessed and need to let things go, but it's very isolating, and quite distressing, because i am a pathetic baby, and i guess part of me just wants someone to pat my head and go 'there, there, your concerns are valid'
or even tell me i'm being a fucking idiot, i guess
i mean i don't want to projectile word vomit into an echo chamber, which is why i haven't posted anything about this in any trans-male circles because i just know those ravenous little red-pilled truscum will find it the very moment they catch a whiff of my insecurity, and i don't want that
i did not anticipate this as part of my transition. this isolation from the communities that i used to take such solace in. i didn't think, upon taking testosterone, that i would be on my way to becoming some kind of enemy. perhaps i should have? the worst part about all this is that i know i'm just being whiny! even as a trans person i don't exactly have it That Hard - i was able to privately fund my own top surgery for god's sake - but this is still something i don't quite know how to navigate. so i ponder it, hoping one day i'll be able to articulate my thoughts and my concerns in a smart way. i know trans women have it worse than me. i'm not trying to argue that my issues trump those of trans women or that they're somehow oppressing me (because there are trans men that honestly believe the latter point and i cannot fathom having my head that far up my own ass)
my number one goal is to uplift the voices of those most disenfranchised but i also feel passionate about speaking to the issues myself and other trans masculine people face, because no one wants to talk about them, and they do exist. but i don't know how to do that without upsetting other people or decentering other issues. at what point does 'trans men face violence too, and it isn't talked about' become 'What About The Men' ?
more than anything i fear becoming That Man. and frankly sometimes i end up wondering if it's worth 'becoming a man' because of all of this. i have my fair share of issues with manhood and masculinity going into this, anyway; even now i am exceedingly uncomfortable around most cis men, especially cis straight men, and i feel guilty for that too - lord is there anything i don't feel guilty for? i feel guilty for existing. 'i cannot be a man if i can't interact with other men properly'. and i perhaps wonder if that alone is part of my issue, that i'm afraid that the women and fem-aligned people i am most comfortable being around won't want to be around me anymore. so i am in this position where i am not comfortable around most cis men (despite all of my closest irl friends being cis men...but they're all queer, and my best friend i've known for over a decade), but i worry so much about making women/fem-aligned people uncomfortable that i wonder if i deserve to be around people at all, except other trans guys and FRANKLY i feel utterly out of place in 99% of trans male spaces anyway, because i'm either too old, too young, not left enough, too left, or straight up not enough of an MRA tool to fit in (toxic masculinity is such a strange beast among trans men but that's a can of worms for another time)
there's also the whole issue of not passing, and the high probability of not ever passing, not if i want to be comfortable with my own presentation; let it be known that i feel like an utter tool trying to 'masc it up' just for the sake of trying to pass. i worry to the point of illness about making others uncomfortable with my 'manhood', yet do any of these people even actually see me as a man? probably not, right? it's hard to accept knowing that the people in my life, my family, my friends, all those who i care so deeply about will never truly see me as a man. even if i looked like my brother, bald and bearded and masculine, they would probably still only see me as their daughter, niece, female friend. and i certainly don't want to look like that! i like being androgynous!
even the people i've met online, the people who have only known me as 'he' - if i met them irl, spoke to them through discord with my voice that six months on still doesn't sound even close to male, would they actually see me as male?
so i find myself floating in some kind of limbo, where i am Too Male for some places, but not Male Enough for most other places, and it feels like in most aspects i am AFAB first and maybe possibly male second, when it suits other people to consider me a man, and almost never for positive reasons
i guess what i'm saying is...now that i am on T, post-top surgery, more comfortable with my physicality i have started being aware of and worrying more about more cerebral aspects of my transition, and in some ways they are even more overwhelming than the physical dysphoria that has plagued me (and continues to plague me) my entire life.
well, whatever...
if anyone read all this you get a prize