My Last Amen

[Meraki]

"I can't think of anyone better for the job," Fira smiled as she finished her last piece of fruit and sat back for a moment, relaxing her spine for the first time in what felt like ages. Sit up straight, speak clearly, command the room – it was all so tiring and it had been so long since she was in royal presence that it was a bit of a struggle getting back into it. It was natural for her, to an extent, but so much of high society was learned and practiced day in and day out that she often forgot the little things. The little things a Queen could not afford to forget. As Amadeus spoke, Fira stood up and stretched her back before making her way over to Amadeus and sitting beside him.

His hands moved quickly, methodically through the bridals and she just watched each and every moment. "I just think it's fascinating how tasks can become second nature," Fira explained, "Each and every time it becomes easier until it takes no thought at all and you can hold any conversation while completing it. And lives are just made up of tasks that once were difficult but then become as natural as breathing. I know it sounds strange, but it's just soothing."

"And it makes me think of the first time you ever pulled apart a bridal, or a swordsman drew a blade for the first time, and it makes you realize how much life people have lived between two moments."

"When I have a moment for my own thoughts, that's always where they seem to fall these days," Fira admitted, "what makes people who they are?"

Fira watched his hands work in his lap and let her red locks fall as she settled her head on his shoulder. It was not an overly romantic gesture, but a kind and comforting one, and she finally felt like she could breathe for a moment. "I'm sorry for interrupting your solitude then," Fira chuckled, only teasing in her comment. She was about to admit to him that she had come to feel safe for once, but she let the words just hang unspoken in the air between them. It was not that her guards failed at their jobs, but since the assassination attempt, it was hard for her to feel safe anymore. She knew that she had to trust and keep her guard up, but there was a feeling of safety with Amadeus that she didn't feel with anyone else.

Maybe it was because she knew Amadeus understood her, knew her down to the most intimate level of her personality, and she never had to pretend with him.

He knew who she was, even when she doubted it.

 

[Nav]

"Well, I don't know anything about any of that," he admitted, though his eyes never left the bridles in front of him. He checked the leather for dryness, for cracks, and for chips in the brass buckles. If he found something wrong with one of them, he'd toss it aside to be repaired or replaced later in the night. "I'm not really smart enough or educated enough to talk about any of that," he sat back a little way to get a better look at a piece of brass in the low fire light, his brows knitted with intense concentration as he worked. He spoke easily with Fira, though it was clear he was very much focusing on the work at hand.

He had no other choice, not given the deadlines.

"I don't know what makes people do what they do, or be who they are, and none of that really bothers me. It's none of my business, anyways." Amadeus didn't even know who he was, or why he did what he did. He did them because they felt right and he didn't really need and further explanation other than that. All he knew was he liked working with his hands. He liked building things. He found a magic in finishing a job from start to finish. After a while, Fira had upped and joined him. She fell her head against his shoulder and he could feel her eyes watching as he worked, though he still hadn't looked her way. Instead, he kept with the same routine he had been before.

"Ah, it's alright," he clarified, "I'm bound to go made if I'm here alone all the time, though I realize my hours in this stable are quite numbered. It's a shame, really. I could live here for the rest of my life doing just this quite contentedly." He could have, too. He didn't need anything complicated or elaborate because he wasn't a complicated or elaborate man. Quite comfortably, he could eat the same breakfast, he could do the same work, he could enjoy the same small village every day until he died. Alas, his life seemed much more complex than he would have liked. As a young boy, he loved the idea of adventure, of beautiful maidens, of exotic lands… young him would have been thrilled with his adventures thus far, but all Amadeus really wanted to do was go back to simple.

Funny how he never seemed to appreciate the things while he was enduring them, only in retrospect. "So then, does that mean you're ready to depart yourself come morning?"

 

[Meraki]

Once upon a time, an ordinary life seemed like a bore.

Growing up in the palace, there was always something to do and someone to see. She had never even seen outside of Rhielith until Amadeus swept her away and into reality. She always assumed that she would live and die as a princess, an untouchable symbol of the monarchy. Now, after everything they'd been through, after all the fights and dire situations, she liked to dream about a simple life. It would never happen for her, it couldn't, but the idea of spending the rest of her life with someone who knew her intimately was an attractive one. She would be a good wife, she thought, if she could just learn how to cook beyond squirrels over a fire. Maybe she was never meant to be a mother, but that too made her wonder. The truth was – Fira had spent nineteen years of her life living a golden, privileged existence.

The people of this kingdom deserved her best, they deserved tenacity and strength. Maybe none of this was what she ever dreamed of or wanted, but it was the lot she was dealt in life and she would not run from it.

"I am," she admitted softly, "I finished a few hours ago. I spent the last two nights working out the details with Roth. Beyond that, I'm afraid he's the expert with what needs to be done in order to make this all happen. So I'm rather useless for now. I don't mind it, really. I'm just caught between tired and restless."

She slipped her head down onto his shoulder and closed her eyes for a second. She could feel his muscles contracting as he moved with each piece of equipment. She, too, leaned her head back so that the wall supported it, but she could still feel the warmth of his shoulder on her cheek. She exhaled slowly, as though she hadn't done so in quite some time.

"You can kick me out if I am bothering you," she reminded him with a soft smirk, her eyes still closed.

 

[Nav]

"Mm, yes, I see," he listened, though he had little to add to the conversation. The ongoings in the estate house were a little bit of a mystery to him as he didn't try and meddle in them. Whatever plans were being made were blind to Amadeus. Until someone told him different, he kept doing what he was doing—quietly tucked away in the stables being useful in the most comfortable way for him. The leather was beginning to dye his hands. The dark brown ink ran through the crevices in his palms and below his fingernails. Any signs he had once pretended to be a prince quickly faded away, just by the image of his hands alone. They were cut up, bruised, and stained with leather dye.

They were the hands of a working man, not a nobleman, and he felt more comfortable in his own skin with them looking the way they did.

"You're fine," he assured her. She wasn't really impeding his work any, and seeing as the bridle check was a duty he had to do either way, regardless of whether or not she was there, he didn't feel like he was missing out on something he ought to be doing instead. Even if she decided to head back, he'd still be working in the saddlery for the time being. At least until he managed to get through most of the bridles and there certainly were a lot. Thankfully, he had assigned one of the stable boys to work on the other half in the West barn saddlery, dividing his work in two. There were lots of horses, and subsequently lots of tack, that needed to be cared for. He tossed another bridle on the done pile and picked up a new one.

Fira, meanwhile, seemed to be dozing off. Her cheek was against his shoulder though the weight of her head had lolled back against the wall. "Though if you're so tired, perhaps you do want to run off to bed? It's nice in here, but I'm not sure how much rest you'll be able to get here." He rested the bridle in his lap for a moment and craned his neck around so he could glance back at her from the corner of his eye. "You should get some sleep while you can, if you're so tired. Who knows when you'll be able to sleep next."

 

[Meraki]

Fira just felt confused as of late.

She would never vocalize it, but she run out to the saddlery for the sake of seeing Amadeus and the clarity he brought her. It was hard to explain, but ever since they'd met she always felt the most open with him because of just who he was. He was honest and loyal, almost to fault sometimes, but he never once tried to manipulate her after they'd parted ways at the palace. Since he found her that day in the undergrowth, they had a mutual understanding of who the other was. Fira was always changing, trying to define herself, but she found solace n the fact that Amadeus knew just who he was.

Was she a Queen? A princess? Just a woman with too much power in her hands?

There was so much bickering happening in the house, so many people on so many different sides, but they all listened to her. Of course they did, she was the queen, but it was maddening at times to sit through discussions and try to find her place. Her father had never taught her any of this, not outside what she needed to know. Sure, she would adapt but she constantly struggled with whether or not she was good for the people of this kingdom. It wasn't so much doubt in her own capabilities as it was wonder if someone else who was more qualified could better serve these people.

She would become qualified, certainly, but it would take a long time to develop the same experience that many of the men in her party had.

"I'm okay," Fira exhaled, "Not really sleepy tired, just tired. I'm not sure any amount of sleep will help the feelings in my bones these days."

"What does your morning look like tomorrow?" she asked, "A long haul of preparation?"

 

[Nav]

"Ah yes, that kind of tired," Amadeus nodded sympathetically and knowingly. He understood how she felt about the exhaustion trickling through her bones. He felt that same exhaustion: to the point where his eyes had grown fuzzy and his mind would wander off before he even realized it was happening. Sometimes, he'd find himself just staring off into the fire, his mind entirely blank. Thankfully, working with the leather bridles was mindless enough that he barely had to think at all and it wasn't such a big deal when his mind began to saunter off because his hands knew the work well enough to complete each task without thought.

"I've been pretty exhausted myself, honestly," he admitted, tossing another bridle into the 'done' pile. This time, he didn't immediately reach for another one. Instead, he sat back in his chair and reached for another few chunks of apple and cheese. Each bite was nibbled slowly and deliberately, as if he was eating slow just so he could enjoy his break. His workload was quickly approaching a point where even the simplest of tasks seemed so painful; he struggled through all of them. Sighing, he lolled his head to the side to catch a small image of Fira just from the corner of his eye.

Her question took a bit too long to register, the answer rolling about in his brain. "Hmm? Oh, yes," he nodded once before tilting his head and letting his cheek fall against her crown, "I have to help the cavalry prepare for departure, as all of them seemed incredibly incapable of tacking up their own horses, but once they leave? Hmm, I am not sure I have anything left to do—nothing of any value, really." He had found his usefulness in working with the horses, keeping them in shape, caring for their tack, and ensuring the riders and horses remained in top form. Though he had promised Fira he'd remain at her side after she thoroughly promised he'd remain useful, he still wasn't sure exactly what he'd be doing besides just loafing around behind her.

It was that uncertainty that made him nervous. Amadeus was a tolerant man, but idleness was one thing he could not withstand.

"Anyways, it shouldn't take too long, thankfully. They should be departing by daybreak, so my life should get considerably easier once they leave. At least for a very short while. How about you, m'dear? What is your outlook?"

 

[Meraki]

"I actually spoke with Roth today," Fira replied, lifting her head just enough to sit herself upright. "He wants to speak with you before setting off tomorrow. I know staying alongside me is not the same as doing this, having a purpose, but Roth thinks that he may have a position for you. He seems to have taken a liking to you and your hard work and responded kindly when I voiced my worry about your talents being wasted simply riding alongside me. I do not know the particulars, but I know he was mumbling about incompetency across the men who have stepped up to accompany our party."

It was a massive worry of hers. She understood that she was being selfish asking for Amadeus to travel with her, but she had come to rely on him. He seemed to be the only person who could speak reason to her when she got lost in her own thoughts. He was the only one who knew her in and out, not even her own father could have said that, and as they moved deeper and deeper into this journey, she would need him to ground her. She started all of this because of him, she wanted to end it with him.

Which posed a problem because Amadeus was not a passive man. He did not sit idly by and wait to be of use. He used his hands, worked hard, and wanted nothing more than to be of use. He loved working with the horses and while he could certainly care for theirs as they traveled, it was not the same of having this saddlery and a distinct job. Roth had promised her that whatever he would ask Amadeus would allow him to remain with her, but he needed to have strong, competent men at the forefront of each party so receive his orders and to help make strategic decisions. While Fira was the Queen, she was no soldier. She could decide when given the options to weigh, but it did not come from the same militaristic background as someone like Roth. And they would need someone to know.

This was not the time for Fira to figure out strategy. She would pick it up as they went, but one wrong move and they were all dead. Roth had been very clear about that.

"Roth says I simply need to be ready to depart tomorrow," she shrugged, "It seems all of our tireless planning has led to a fairly simple start. I have to trim my hair again, it's getting too long and won't hide well under my cape. Peter has ordered for my immediate capture on the grounds of treason, but all it details is my long, red hair. So, I certainly don't want to make the search easier."

What unnerved her most was his desire for her to be captured and returned to the castle. Whatever fate was awaiting her there was certainly far more agonizing and torturous than an arrow or sword to the heart. Fira never really wanted to have to make the choice between how she wanted to die.

 

[Nav]

"A position?"

Those two words, when put together, sounded like heaven settling into his ear drums. He had been worried, naturally, about accompanying Fira. His attachment to her had only grown deeper in the passing weeks, even though they hadn't seen much of each other, but the idea of setting everything aside was dizzying. He had worked too hard to fight for Inverness and when the fight came for the entire kingdom, it had caused a creeping sense of dread to cobweb through his heart knowing he wouldn't be a part of the front lines. The war might have been Fira's to win, but it had been Amadeus' to fight.

The rock and a hard place he had been stuck into had very clearly caused his distress over the passing days, because when Fira mentioned it, his expressions transitioned from mildly strained to relaxed. The sigh he released next was of a soft deflating; it was as if a tension had lifted yet left him with relief instead of melancholy. "I am—was—worried I'd be carted around as a unserviceable limb to your travel party," he admitted after a moment of silence. He tossed another bridle into the 'done' pile and didn't pick up another. Instead, his hands fell together laced between his knees. "You've been doing so well lately, Fira. You've been learning a great deal and you're becoming the leader you must be. It's been very inspirational to watch, but I used to help you along quite a lot. I've come to realize you don't quite need my help much anymore."

It was a silly emotion to be feeling—perhaps a little twang of jealousy that made him feel less important than he had been before. There was the human part of his brain that liked feeling important and necessary, but now that Fira was so far along in her education, she was reaching a threshold where Amadeus' help and suggestions were obsolete. She could, and probably should, go to Roth for help, as he was far superior in knowledge that Amadeus would ever dream to be. It was hard to both be replaced and know at the same that that it was for the best. The two halves of himself wrestled back and forth over it.

Like everyone, he just wanted purpose and to feel like he was doing a respectable job.

The conversation shifted to her hair and Amadeus eased a small smile on to his face. "That would be wise," he agreed, "What we really ought to do is strap fox fur on to the heads of our men and have them wear hoods as they ride. It will be awfully difficult to select a redhead from an entire crowd of flashing glimpses of red fur."

He chuckled a little at the thought. "It's a good thing you have Roth. He's a good man and he won't lead you astray. He certainly won't let you down without one hell of a fight."