My Employment is...?

[Wryneck]

My Employment is...?
A Slice of Life Comedy About a Rookie and a Nuthouse

Episode 1: My Employment is a Nuthouse?

Please Don't Block, Incorporated, or PDB, Inc. as the employees commonly called it. The one hundred and nineteenth largest telemarketing company in the world. All of it was run by one family, and one man. That man, was Maxwell James the Sixth. He was a humble employer, who viewed all his subordinates as his equals.

Catherine Micheals, the mecha nerd. Andrew Kazumi Yamamoto, the ikemen. Sophia Jacklin Howell, the superstitious lady. Emily Monica Boyd, the ditz. Nils Rikten, the sloth. Solomon Xavier Longfellow, the grumpy coward. Marcus Xenoryde, the caffeinated tsundere.

And now...

Maxwell stood from his seat and exited his office. A quick look around the office revealed his employees to be up to their usual shenanigans. Things would only get busier. Though it troubled him, he smiled. Their newest employee was sure to make things even more fun for everyone from here on out.

"Listen up, everyone!" he announced, clapping his hands. "We'll be getting a new employee today, by the name of Yamamoto Nozomi. She'll be our newest accountant, and her resume says she's pretty good with tech stuff too. I expect you all to treat her as you do each other." A quick flashback to times when office fights broke out made him re-think his last statement. "Maybe just a little bit better even. I'm looking for a warm welcome! And Marcus..." Maxwell paused and looked at the boy that must've been making what was his 7th cup of the day. "...that doesn't mean throw warm coffee on her."

​

 

[Dunruffle]

Nils peeked out of his office and groaned. "Great, another person to annoy me. Hopefully she stays over in accounting. Unlike some people." Closing his door on the pointed remark, Nils put his feet up on his desk, fluffed his neck pillow, and promptly went back to sleep.

 

[Clownpiece]

Catherine sat awkwardly at her desk clashing a few models together and making the usual cacophony of laser and explosion noises - the typical assortment of sound effects one would expect from a large scale mech battle... but from her mouth. While that was every bit as silly as it sounded, the mention of a brand new coworker had her all sorts of mildly excited. This was a new chance, an all new frontier for her to pilot the ES-Micheals into and full force, throw herself at the new employee.

Not literally, of course. That would hurt.

Still, now was the time to begin fantasizing on the subject of what kind of person this new coworker would be. Perhaps this Nozomi would be someone that could understand and even join in with her extolling the finer workings and interesting points of her favorite mechs. Maybe she'd even be into the model-building scene! Wouldn't that be exciting?

Then again, maybe she'd think it was dorky and laugh.

Catherine lowered her head onto her desk and groaned. Too many uncertains, too many things that could go wrong. She decided to return to the wonderful world of Bundam while other things went on, until she was needed.

 

[Verite]

A delighted gasp came from Emily's direction as she would clasp her hands together upon hearing the delightful news that they'd be getting yet another friend and associate to work with! They had a weird and hard to say name, but that was okay! Emily was sure that they'd have a lively enough personality that she'd be able to come up with some witty nickname for it!

... Hopefully.

Hopefully not for whatstheirface.

Though she had to ask, not because she was like, racist or anything, but to be honest, Asians just had that weird tendency where last names were put in front of their first names. Now, wasn't that weird?!* After all, they were called first names and last names for a reason, right? Then again, it was whatever. People were who they were after all!

... What was she gonna do again?

Oh yeah.

She raised her hand.

"Hey! Hey! Sooo... Um, is their name supposed to be Noisy Yamato or Yamato Noisy? And is he / she a nice person? I don't wanna work with any weirdos."

And she did a cute little pout.

* = Disclaimer: The person writing this is also Asian.​

 

[xLarius]

As the boss made his announcement about some newbie, Mark smirked as he slowly got his can of coffee ready, of course his boss had to ruin it.
"And Marcus that doesn't mean throw warm coffee on her."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Marcus huffed as he put the can of coffee down as he took a sip of his own coffee. He shifted through his papers about bills.
"The bill isn't this bad this week."

He made a note, most people here had their quirks. He wondered what the newbies quirk would be, if it was a psychopath kind of quirk or a less of a quirk. He took another sip of his coffee, the worst of his shut downs
would possibly be when he shut down and started talking about the multiplication table before slumping on to his couch and waking up an hour before work. So a newbie, he wondered what she would do, from what he's heard probably something with technology. Thank god, he didn't want her screwing around with his numbers, that would drive him mentally insane.

"Hey! Hey! Sooo... Um, is their name supposed to be Noisy Yamato or Yamato Noisy? And is he / she a nice person? I don't wanna work with any weirdos."

He choked and snorted mostly at the same time,
"You're the one to talk, Emily."
He smirked as he continued to sift through papers, as he took another sip, already he was running out of coffee.

 

[Verite]

"H-Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!" Emily huffed in response, her little pout growing even deeper.

Do not bully the cute office worker.​

 

[Crono]

598, 599, 600.

That should take care of that rat Solomon saw.

He stood on a folding stool with his upper torso in the vent shaft, he was setting the last trap when he heard Maxwell's brain-numbingly cheerful voice announcing that another government louse would be hopping aboard the anti-Longfellow-train. He heard Mark trying to act as cool as the coffee she inhaled... wasn't...

Anyway Solomon said in the most sarcastically monotone voice he could obtain, "Oooh. That sick buuurrrnn..." ,from the vent and proseeded to bait the last trap.

 

[Boss Megu]

Drew ignored the hustle and bustle of the office with a patient smile. He was used to it, therefore, that meant, he was ignoring the urge to turn OCD-drama queen on all of them. He proceeded to hum a random song (to help ignore them all) as he refiled all the files that needed refiling. A task that takes him all 20 minutes in the morning and 1 hour after everyone leaves to sort. He looked up from his position in front of the file cabinet as his boss; a term he used sparingly, began to make his usual daily announcement.

"We'll be getting a new employee today, by the name of Yamamoto Nozomi. She'll be our newest accountant, blah blah blah..." Andrew Kazumi Yamamoto froze as his right eye began to twitch at the news their beloved boss gave them, so much, that he tuned out the rest of his statement, as he bristled at his spot. The moment Mr. Maxwell James turned to go back in his office, he turned to follow until he heard a voice from the vents. "Oooh. That sick buuurrrnn..." and that was followed by clicking and squeaking and silence.

Startled, he looked up, clutching the colour-coded folders that everyone conveniently forgot to use tightly. "Wh-who's there?" He called out, albeit, a bit softly, not wanting to attract attention to himself if it was just him hearing things. Shaking his head, Drew tucked away the folders everyone forgot to use, constantly, and walked towards his desk which was in front of Mr. Maxwell James' office, as is proper since he was his secretary.

He passed Marcus and handed him an clean spare orange folder and a can of ground coffee, he oddly found in the filing cabinet. "Marcus," he greeted with his signature smile, unknown to him a slightly darker aura surrounded him, "Didn't I tell you to use this folder when you filed and kept the receipts for office expenses?" His smile turned a little darker as he added, "Also, please spread to the rest of the class that hiding food in the filing cabinet is a big NO-NO. If you do, ensure that it's alphabetised. I found that can in K."

Drew's smile turned brighter (and the darker aura receeded) as he turned to everyone. "You heard Mr. James," here Drew made a dark face of disgust,"Let's all make the new hire feel welcomed! Let me know if you have any ideas, so I can clear them with Mr. James." Again, he turned away to make another face of disgust.

Smiling at them, he nodded and turned to Mr. Jame's office with a brisk, one-two-three knock and opened it with out waiting. "Sir, you forgot to send me an email stating you finally hired someone competent." He stated in greeting as he entered and closed the door and added, "Aside from me, of course." He approached and smiled sweetly, his darker aura appearing behind him, like a cape or a demon tailing his favourite human. "You also forgot to send the paper work in triplicate." He said, and pulled out a stack of paperwork from somewhere. "Please ensure to have this filled up by an hour."

Well, the last part was a joke. Mostly.

 

[Wryneck]

His news delivered, Maxwell began his retreat back to his quarters. Their newest employee was to call him upon her arrival, so he didn't have to be outside to greet her yet. Besides, he could feel Drew's dark aura coming closer and closer from behind. It was around this same time everyday that Drew made his "rounds" throughout the company, calling people out on their mess-ups and ensuring that everything was running smoothly, in his own excessively OCD'd way.

Alas, it was too late for him. Though he knew he was probably joking about not being emailed, Maxwell bowed his head and offered his apologies anyway. It's important to set a good example for your employees even when they aren't looking. That's what his father would tell him. "Ah, yes. That," he responded, taking a seat at the same time. "I never really understood why anything more than two copies is ever needed. Doesn't that just waste paper?" He knew it wasn't a response Drew would probably accept, but they were already at the point where neither of them acted to please the other. Drew was a competent worker, that much couldn't be argued against.

"I'll get it right to you as soon as it's filled out...in triplicates."

 

[Crow]

The first day of work.

And hopefully not the last.

Petite Yamamoto Nozomi takes step, after step, after step towards her designated workplace.

"After breaking out of the cold Japanese employment system," Nozomi ponders, "I can only hope that this is not as abyssmal an employment system."

Only time could tell as Nozomi proceeds. With spectacles on face and briefcase in hand, Nozomi moves forward, hoping for the best.

Or the worst, for that matter.

She arrived at the gates of the company, or the gates of what she would recognise as an amalgamation of the Joker's hideout and hell.

Nozomi unleashed her smartphone and dialed a number.

"Moshi Moshi- I mean, hello, might this be Mr Maxwell?"​

 

[Alis_Audāx]

Sophia surveyed from behind a pillar that was suspiciously placed in the office. Why was this pillar there? Who knows, but for the moment it was for her to conceal her physic as she listened in on Mr. James announcement. Today's tea leaves suggested that she may be encountering something that will cause rapid change in her day. Or she will become very friendly with the office toilet, probably due to her burrito lunch. One of the tea leaves was somewhat shaped like a toilet. Tea leaves can be spotty.

Perhaps she will provide a gift to the new person, as a way to ward of any ill lingering juju from the new staff's previous job. The question is how to do so without HR finding out she was once again depositing leafy looking trinkets into people's desks again. Only those who didn't understand her good intentions would find the gifts slightly creepy.

"Perhaps we can provide her with some form of a welcome gift?", she spoke out onto the office room.

Sophia kicked a large file box out from behind the pillar as she began to move further into the office room. Her red hair slightly fizzed from shifting through some of the boxes of paperwork she would need to continue her work.

 

[Wryneck]

Maxwell held up a finger to Drew when his cell phone suddenly rang.

"Moshi Moshi- I mean, hello, might this be Mr Maxwell?" a voice rang, a female from the sound of it.

"That it might be," he replied, bearing a smile on his face, though the girl obviously couldn't see that. "Have you arrived safely?" He stood from his seat and looked out from the only window in his room, which offered a view of the parking lot and front entrance. Surely enough, there was a girl donning glasses and using her phone below. There was no doubt in his mind that it was Yamamoto Nozomi.

"Good, good. I'll be right down to greet you, so don't go anywhere!" Maxwell hung up the phone and rushed out of the room. Going down to greet the new employee was the perfect excuse to get away from Drew's planned lecture. "We can continue this later, Drew," he assured him.

"She's here, she's here!" Maxwell exclaimed, motioning as though he was looking for everyone to follow him to the elevator.

 

[xLarius]

"H-Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!"
After that point he cracked his knuckles and took out a random color folder and then stuffed the bills in. Inside his head he
made note of subtracting the numbers for this month, newbies salary of course.
"I don't know, what could it mean?" He said this pretty sarcastically, inside he enjoyed teasing Emily, it was fun because she pouted,
it took all his strength not to smile. "Oooh. That sick buuurrrnn..." Marcus jumped, it had a huge amount of sarcasm but he couldn't detect where it came from. His eye twitched as he went back to work, just normal shoving and scribbling.
That was until Marcus shivered. He felt something creeping up on him as he got the shivers. He was running out of his stress coffee. He searched around for post it notes, his desk was sort of clean, scratch all the papers of math and the manga flipped over, oh, also the post it notes plastered all over his computer and drawers.

"Marcus," Mark turned around his swirly chair as he looked a bit irritated but he was a bit intimidated as well, Drew had this black spiraling atmosphere to him, it was clear to Mark that he probably screwed up somehow. "Didn't I tell you to use this folder when you filed and kept the receipts for office expenses?" Mark shrugged as he behind his back hid the pink folder that he shoved his bills in earlier. Drew's smile became more gruesome from the moment as Marcus slowly backed his chair up to his desk, "Also, please spread to the rest of the class that hiding food in the filing cabinet is a big NO-NO. If you do, ensure that it's alphabetized. I found that can in K." "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Also I don't know what you're talking about Andrew." If you hadn't known this before, Marcus had a habit of leaving his coffee cans, or a bag of coffee. It was purely a habit of convenience so he wouldn't have to walk for his bag or can of coffee. He took the can and muttered the name, "Gerudge." As Andrew walked away Marcus lowered his guard, Andrew was actually pretty fearsome, of course he wouldn't tell him. That would be considered a weakness of course.


"She's here, she's here!" As his boss's voice rang out somewhat a mix of relief and excitement. Marcus sighed as he picked up his cup of coffee and took one single sip. He muttered under his breath, "Can anyone remind me why I'm working here?" He ran his hand through his hair as he put the cup of coffee down as he straightened his glasses, and straightened out the papers. He got up reluctantly as Maxwell made a motion to greet the newbie. Of course they'd waste time on a newcomer. He slowly walked to the elevator, he estimated about an hour before he gave in to his addiction, though it'd probably be earlier.

 

[Clownpiece]

The newbie was finally here!

This was Catherine's chance to become the 'cool one' to at least one person. If she was going to pull such a feat off, she needed absolute focus and a good plan, something that would amaze even the most jaded of weirdoes the world could throw her way. The irony of calling anyone else a weirdo was entirely lost on the Customer Service rep, but nonetheless, she rifled through her belongings for the right prop that would make her introduction to the newbie absolutely stunning. Absolutely stunning, unfortunately, meant something completely different to her than to others. Or rather, her idea of 'stunning' was more along the lines of 'confusing' to most anyone else.

This all is what led to the woman approaching the elevator with a certain prop displayed proudly on her head - that is, the helm of the FB-011B Build Flaming Bundam. Or in more 'pedestrian' terms, she was wearing a cosplay helmet that looked a lot like the head section of a giant robot she was pretty into. It was as strange as it sounded, but there she stood ready to greet a new coworker, looking like some sort of serial killer.

 

[Crono]

Solomon watched Marcus's smirk dissappear and gained one of his own, he dismounted from the stool and-

"Wh-Who's there?" Goddamnit Solomon knew he should have skipped work to watch the new GhostBlusters movie. He pulled himself back up very slowly, prepared to throw a loaded mouse trap at a incorporeal being. Seeing nothing he slowly wispered, "Who's asking?"

He gave what ever it was a hearty two seconds before he hopped off the stool, slammed the grill back on, put on far too many screws, and promptly left the situation for anyone who was not him to deal with. He looked around the office to make sure no one saw him and proseeded to internally scream for three minutes. Then he joined the welcoming group, towards the back, as far away from Catherine as possible.

 

[Boss Megu]

Drew's smile faltered and the dark aura grew heavier, hearing his response. "I never really understood why anything more than two copies is ever needed. Doesn't that just waste paper?" Mr. James asked him, thought it was probably rhetoric with the way he wasn't even waiting for an answer. "I'll get it right to you as soon as it's filled out...in triplicates." His boss added. Drew's smile grew brighter, and the dark aura diminished. "That's wonderful news, Mr. James." He commented with a smile. "I'll ensure to keep one copy in case you accidentally use your copy as a paper air plane." He added, knowing full well that it could happen. The technique to surviving this company, was to expect the unexpected. Hence, keeping everything in triplicates to avoid loss of paper copy.

Drew was about to open his mouth to say something important, like the location of copy of the copy of the original contract, but Mr. James cut him off with a finger. Making him narrow his brows, glaring at him instead. He watched his boss get up from his chair and look out the window. He was getting a gut feeling, the bad kind of gut feeling. When his boss cheerfully replied, "Good, good. I'll be right down to greet you, so don't go anywhere!" Drew knew he was a right. His boss turned to him and rushed out with a, "We can continue this later, Drew." A weak reassurance.

Standing there, he heard Mr. James call out to the rest of the staff. "She's here, she's here!" Suddenly aware of the possibilities of leaving his boss alone with all the staff, he rushed out quickly. "Mr. MAXWELL JAMES THE SIXTH!" He roared, the dark swirling aura that followed him seemed to gain red eyes and big happy sharp teeth. "COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT! YOU THINGS NEEDED TO BE DONE! MR. JAMES!" he cried as he followed the staff into the elevator, his swirling mass of darkness growing with each step.

"You have a video conference in 20 minu-" he stopped reciting Mr. Jame's itinerary when he found himself beside Catherine, startled and a little bit shocked, that his darkness receded completely. "Oh, hello, Catherine. Is that a new helmet? Is that safe?" he asked politely, slowly edging away as the elevator was rising up. Realising that it wasn't the time to scold his boss, especially infront of the impressionable staff, he turned his death glare at his boss. Drew then warned him, his voice deeper, with a tinge of something...not human. "We will continue this later. Understood?" Then stayed with the crowd gathering infront of the elevator, there was no way he wasn't not coming. If he let them be, they all weren't coming back up to work. And that was definitely not part of the schedule.

 

[Wryneck]

In hearing Drew's booming voice getting closer and closer, Maxwell repeatedly smashed the elevator button in vain attempts at making it open faster. It was obvious someone else was using it already. 'Curse this shared office complex. Great, great, great, great grandfather should've gotten his own...' Accepting the futility of it all, he swung around, prepared to defend himself, but Drew suddenly found himself distracted by Catherine's new helmet, which Maxwell couldn't help but admire.

It was only a matter of seconds before Drew turned his devilish attention back towards Maxwell, and not even a moment before the elevator opened. Maxwell quickly dragged everyone that was going along with him into the elevator and pressed the button for the first floor, following through with repetitive slamming of the "close door" button. "Yes, yes! Later!" he called out, hoping a demonic arm wouldn't place its way in the elevator door's path.

 

[DANAsaur]

"That's because of the free coffee, Mark" Jane Smith answered as she arranged her freshly printed research on her desk, stacking the papers in order before blinding reaching for her stapler.

She was thankful that her desk was near one of the sane persons here at the office or else she's going to lose it. Sure, Mark drinks coffee like there's no tommorrow but that's nothing compared to Catherine or Emily..just to name a few. Gosh, how much those two irritates her! It takes every fiber of her being not to snap at them everytime they do silly things. She hated how Catherine always get to play with her models and how Emily is aLways so energetic and a scatter-brain.

That's because they get to be themselves. Unlike you..

Shut it Jane screamed at her thoughts, growing more irritable by the minute. She hated dealing with her chunibyo persona, Lady Apple. It seems to voice out its thoughts whenever it can. "Or maybe I'm just going crazy"

Jane reached out for the stapler again but only to find it gone in her desk. Now where did she put it? She was certain that shehad it in her desk before she submitted the first part of her reasearch at the boss' desk so where is it? Did she placed it somewhere?

Jane narrowed her eyes and abruptly stood up, quickly making her way towards Drew's desk with the stack of papers still in hand. She doesn't want to assume things when things go missing, Drew was always her first suspect. Who wouldn't when the guy has OCD? He likes to keep things clean and organized! Maybe he found her stapler somewhere and decided to clean it for her?

As she arrived at her destination, her assumption was proven to be correct. There, in the upper right hand corner of Drew's desk was her sparkly and glittery pink stapler! Not everyone may know this but Jane hated for her things to be touched. What is hers is hers! Its obviously clear that Drew's OCD had crossed the line and Jane will surely not let this one go without a fight.

But first, time to meet the newbie.

"Drew" jane greeted the man with a forced smile as she entered the elevator with him, her knuckles almost turning white at how tight her grip was at her papers. As much as she wanted to curse and hex him, she wouldn't. She isn't a Chunibyo anymore. Only her chunibyo persona would touch the pink heart shaped tattoo on her cheek and start to chant spells at him. She's cured now. She isn't a chunibyo anymore..right?

Unbeknwowst to her, Jane had already covered half of her face with a hand while a finger touched the tattoo, her mouth unconsciously moving and casting a spell "Ashes to ashes. Bones to bones. May the man who stole from me turns into stones. Ashes to ashes. Bones to bones. May the man who stole from me turns into stones."​

 

[Boss Megu]

Drew sighed as he heard Mr. James' response. "Yes, yes! Later!" his boss replied and practically dragged everyone in the lift. Rolling his eyes, he followed calmly, side stepping away from Catherine's .... unique headrest. To each their own, he always said, even if the said own is as strange as that.

"Drew," Jane greeted him with an obvious forced smile as she entered the lift, standing beside him. Amused, Drew looked up at the taller girl with a smug smile. "Hello, Jane," he greeted. "What did I do now?" He asked, knowing that one way or the other, she'd find some fault of him.

He turned away for a bit as he calmly reached around Mr. James; who was situated near the buttons, and pressed the down button. He smirked at the fear fermenting coming off Mr. James and nodded to himself for a job well done and turned to see an familiar-not familiar face wearing spandex behind him. It was embarrassing but it took him awhile to remember who this person was. "I-er, hello. Oh! Solomon, did you catch the rats in the vents?" he asked, then looked worried. "Do be very careful. I've been hearing strange things up there. You should---" He stopped when Jane who stood beside him suddenly touched her heart tattoo and began to mutter.

Blinking, Drew was more amused that he was ought to. Shaking his head, he leaned closer to listen. "Ashes to ashes. Bones to bones. May the man who stole from me turns into stones. Ashes to ashes. Bones to bones. May the man who stole from me turns into stones." she chanted and Drew looked at her in confusion.

He gave the other girl an amused exasperated smile. Rolling his eyes, he muttered back. "If you're not careful, you'll turn Mark into stone." He whispered, though his voice carrying through the lift. "Or, Mr. James..." he added, with a vindictive gleam in his eyes as he surveyed his boss. The dark aura that surrounded him suddenly wrapped around him and gave the other girl a dark smile with sharp teeth.

"Though if you mean me," here, Drew paused as he looked forward as the lift went DING, and opened. "It won't work." Drew's aura disappeared as he dragged guided Mr. James out of the lift and walked out, formally standing at least 2 steps behind. "Come on, Mr. James. Your new employee awaits."

 

[Dunruffle]

Nils awoke from his slumber when he heard a loud commotion and everyone piling into an elevator. Sighing, Nils sat up and put his feet on the floor. Peeking out of his office, he saw nobody else around. Shrugging to himself, he wandered over to Catherine's desk. Nils was always fascinated by the fact that people spent so much time and energy assembling models just to play with them. He reached down and picked up a model and inspected it. Curiously, he poked the head spike and it proceeded to snap off. Sighing in frustration, Nils looked around Catherine's desk for some glue. Finding some, he reattached the head spike with a glob of glue, albeit the wrong way. Putting the model back down, Nils wandered over to the vending machine. Buying a cinnamon bun, he returned to his office and began browsing the internet as he ate his snack.