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Rads

Edgesquire
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yaoi yuri trap and bsm and futa
Sapphire is a noble that lives in Chemnat with her father, Chemnat is also in close proximity to where many pirates are.
She is not like other nobles and lords, treats everyone with kindness and respect. Darius Is the lord of the port city.
Though house Gale is the strongest of the houses,Chemnat also consists of other lords and powerful merchants with powerful political clout.
Her father is the lord of the city.
Darius set in motion a plan to promote better working conditions for those underneath these wealthy families this includes increasing the taxes of the merchants while imposing maximum prices on food and necessities.


This greatly angered many of those in power and thus Sapphire and her father were forced to flee as some sent assassins and mercenaries after them.
Darius knew this would happen so he had made a deal with some pirates known as the sea hoods, at this
time sapphire bonded with the captain since her mother died ten years ago from a rare incurable illness.

The surrogate sister's name is Naimo this older woman quickly realized the potential in sapphire, she started to teach her how to use scimitars and a one-handed crossbow. One day during the pirates battle practice she found she was very good with swords and the crossbow, she passed her big sister Naimo tests like it was second nature.
She loves this feeling of power, sapphire grew to love the pirate life and Naimo's way of taking from the rich but never hurting the innocent.

One day, they raided a ship and unfortunately, Kayne was there and was traveling to another village in the confusion of the raid he ended up on Naimo's ship. Her father recognized the boy as Kane his best friend boy from long ago on his travels around the world, but it kept slipping his mind, lucky he had a journal of meeting his father and his son and other events hidden in one of his chests.

Sapphire and Kane quickly became good friends making a promise to support each other through exchanging items of significance also even though she found her father's journal and read it, she couldn't find the right time, to tell the truth, so she hid it from him till the time was right.

Three weeks later during a very bad storm some Assassins and mercenaries caught up to them and during a bloody battle, he was killed during the bloody battle sapphire's powers and she managed to kill two of the men. Kane was thrown overboard and sapphire hit her head pretty hard and was knocked out for two whole days when she did wake her first instinct was to flee before more came to hunt her and the crew.

So for the first part, I'd say that the way it can be done is the sword functions just as a sword for the time being. However, maybe the crossbow can fire bolts that siphon energy. Sending the energy back at her.

Next phase, the sword could also siphon energy, but her crossbow bolts can fire a transference of energy which she can use to buff allies. This way she is prompted to keep siphoning power from her enemies to give it to her allies in order to keep herself running

I was thinking like a combo a hydra attack combined with something else for the True awakening, the question now is how to word it and make sure all is order.


I need help checking the grammar etc and ideas for a final stage for weapons that's not op
 

Mollisol

sludge of love
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Hi! I can check your grammar. Instead of telling you about every error verbally, I'm going to copy and paste the bio into a spoiler, and edit it for grammar. I will mark any changes or suggestions I make in red.

Please bear in mind that I'm only critiquing the bio's grammar (and paragraph organization), not its narrative, or any parts of its writing style other than grammar. If you would like feedback on the narrative or writing style, I'll be happy to help, but I can only do so much without knowing the context of the RP you intend to use Sapphire in - the setting, the tone, the thing that brings the characters together, etc.

Sapphire is a noble who lives in Chemnat with her father. Chemnat is also close to many pirates. Her father, Darius, is the lord of the port city. Unlike other nobles and lords, Sapphire treats everyone with kindness and respect.

Though house Gale is the strongest of the houses, Chemnat also consists of other lords and powerful merchants with powerful political clout. Darius set in motion a plan to promote better working conditions for those underneath these wealthy families. This included increasing the taxes of the merchants, while imposing maximum prices on food and necessities.

This greatly angered many of those in power. Thus, Sapphire and her father were forced to flee, as some sent assassins and mercenaries after them. Darius knew this would happen, so he had made a deal with some pirates known as the Sea Hoods. At this time, Sapphire bonded with the captain, since her mother died ten years ago from a rare incurable illness.

The surrogate sister's name is Naimo. This older woman quickly realized the potential in Sapphire. She started to teach her how to use scimitars and a one-handed crossbow. One day, during the pirates' battle practice, she found she was very good with swords and the crossbow. She passed her big sister Naimo's tests like it was second nature. She loved this feeling of power. Sapphire grew to love the pirate life, and Naimo's way of taking from the rich but never hurting the innocent.

One day, they raided a ship, and unfortunately, Kane was there. He was traveling to another village. In the confusion of the raid, he ended up on Naimo's ship. Her father recognized the boy as Kane, his best friend from long ago on his travels around the world, but it kept slipping his mind. Luckily, he had a journal of meeting his father and his son and other events hidden in one of his chests.

Sapphire and Kane quickly became good friends. They made a promise to support each other through exchanging items of significance. Also, even though she found her father's journal and read it, she couldn't find the right time to tell the truth, so she hid it from him till the time was right.

Three weeks later, during a very bad storm, some assassins and mercenaries caught up to them, and during a bloody battle, he was killed. During the bloody battle, Sapphire's powers [did something] and she managed to kill two of the men. Kane was thrown overboard, and Sapphire hit her head pretty hard. She was knocked out for two whole days. When she did wake, her first instinct was to flee before more came to hunt her and the crew.

"ideas for a final stage for weapons that's not op"
To know how how much strength or what features would be considered OP, I need to know the context of the RP. Can you tell me more about the RP you intend to use Sapphire in? It'd be especially helpful if you linked an Interest Check or Signup. If you don't have a specific RP you intend to use her in, could you give some examples of good "endgame" power levels, and link me to any info about her world that you can?
 
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foodforpigs

uncultured swine
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I would agree that the setting is important when considering what's overpowered. For example, suppose your character is meant to be a paragon ("Bleach" Captain, for example), then making them overpowered might even actually be expected.

I will guess, based on the current bio, Sapphire isn't paragon, but is adept after formal weapons training and the hard life as a pirate.
I think as long as you explain the powers as best as you can, then other players are less likely to say they're "overpowered" when it comes into play.

You hinted at the stages already so I'll just re-state them here.

Initial Stage: Sword is inert. Crossbow bolts siphon energy from victims.

Choose an energy type. Ex. If "life energy", then non-living things should be immune. Golems, liches, etc.
How many bolts must hit to activate the sword? The number can be a simple limiting factor. I suggest magic number three.
How does energy transference work from the bolts once they hit? You can introduce a weakness here, but it's not necessary. Just make sure to explain how it's done so that it's possible the transference can fail in the right conditions.

Example: Some guy with slime generating hands covers the bolts in slime, blocking the transference, if the energy is like a beam
Example 2: The bolt is connected to the crossbow with a string (physical or energy) that is used to recall the bolt, and this bolt acts like a battery.

2nd Stage: Sword active. Crossbow bolts can buff allies.

Does the sword constantly "burn" energy? Can it burn Sapphire's own energy if she runs out of bolt energy? It could introduce a sense of danger with the power, if overextending and the power isn't turned off.
What are the buffs? How are these buffs transferred? It could be weakness enough that Sapphire has to shoot her allies with the bolts, that can be intercepted by enemies, and the bolts work like a "stim-pack"

Final Stage Idea

Sapphire has ten bolts embedded into people (they can be allies or enemies). The limiting factor here is that this is a rare condition to happen and has to be late in the fight.
She activates the bolts to collect a charge of energy and recalls all the bolts at the same time.
All of these bolts expend their charge immediately. She becomes "super stimmed" with increased strength and speed.
After the power ends, she is physically exhausted.

Other idea to make the power less OP: Make Sapphire have some moral reservations about using the power, since thoughtless use could, in principle, kill.
 
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Rads

Edgesquire
Original poster
Roleplay Invitations
Group Roleplays, One on One Roleplays, Chat Roleplays, Private Convo Roleplays
Posting Speed
Several Posts a Day, A Few Posts A Day, One Post a Day, A Few Posts a Week
My Usual Online Time
sorry don't know at this time but i'm happy to keep updating people
Writing Levels
Intermediate, Advanced
Genders You Prefer Playing
Male, Female, Primarily Prefer Male
Playing Style- Passive or Aggressive
I can be aggressive but if my partner has good ideas i'll go along with them.
Favorite Genres
fandom romance sci fi fantasy modern and possibly more
Genre You DON'T Like
yaoi yuri trap and bsm and futa
I would agree that the setting is important when considering what's overpowered. For example, suppose your character is meant to be a paragon ("Bleach" Captain, for example), then making them overpowered might even actually be expected.

I will guess, based on the current bio, Sapphire isn't paragon, but is adept after formal weapons training and the hard life as a pirate.
I think as long as you explain the powers as best as you can, then other players are less likely to say they're "overpowered" when it comes into play.

You hinted at the stages already so I'll just re-state them here.

Initial Stage: Sword is inert. Crossbow bolts siphon energy from victims.

Choose an energy type. Ex. If "life energy", then non-living things should be immune. Golems, liches, etc.
How many bolts must hit to activate the sword? The number can be a simple limiting factor. I suggest magic number three.
How does energy transference work from the bolts once they hit? You can introduce a weakness here, but it's not necessary. Just make sure to explain how it's done so that it's possible the transference can fail in the right conditions.

Example: Some guy with slime generating hands covers the bolts in slime, blocking the transference, if the energy is like a beam
Example 2: The bolt is connected to the crossbow with a string (physical or energy) that is used to recall the bolt, and this bolt acts like a battery.

2nd Stage: Sword active. Crossbow bolts can buff allies.

Does the sword constantly "burn" energy? Can it burn Sapphire's own energy if she runs out of bolt energy? It could introduce a sense of danger with the power, if overextending and the power isn't turned off.
What are the buffs? How are these buffs transferred? It could be weakness enough that Sapphire has to shoot her allies with the bolts, that can be intercepted by enemies, and the bolts work like a "stim-pack"

Final Stage Idea

Sapphire has ten bolts embedded into people (they can be allies or enemies). The limiting factor here is that this is a rare condition to happen and has to be late in the fight.
She activates the bolts to collect a charge of energy and recalls all the bolts at the same time.
All of these bolts expend their charge immediately. She becomes "super stimmed" with increased strength and speed.
After the power ends, she is physically exhausted.

Other idea to make the power less OP: Make Sapphire have some moral reservations about using the power, since thoughtless use could, in principle, kill.
Alright I'll send the link over I'm just a little disappointed in my self for making so many mistakes, I'm not normally this bad and only make a few.
I assume it would be like some sort of mana attached to the weapons once the darts and such hit but open for ideas on this
 
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foodforpigs

uncultured swine
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If it's mana or soul, perhaps she has to expend some of her own into the bolt before firing, making it an investment. Think of it as an attuning force which attracts other soul energy in. I think after that the mana keeps them stuck until she recalls them to use as stim-packs for allies or her own final stage after collecting 10? Again, it's still up to you :)
 

Rads

Edgesquire
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Several Posts a Day, A Few Posts A Day, One Post a Day, A Few Posts a Week
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sorry don't know at this time but i'm happy to keep updating people
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Male, Female, Primarily Prefer Male
Playing Style- Passive or Aggressive
I can be aggressive but if my partner has good ideas i'll go along with them.
Favorite Genres
fandom romance sci fi fantasy modern and possibly more
Genre You DON'T Like
yaoi yuri trap and bsm and futa
If it's mana or soul, perhaps she has to expend some of her own into the bolt before firing, making it an investment. Think of it as an attuning force which attracts other soul energy in. I think after that the mana keeps them stuck until she recalls them to use as stim-packs for allies or her own final stage after collecting 10? Again, it's still up to you :)
The weapons are from the soul, but that aside if I'm understanding right your saying that by investing her own entering into the bolt get more energy or power etc back? I assume the same would apply for the sword. What do you think of the ideas for first and second stage powers
 

foodforpigs

uncultured swine
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I think they're good. I've written what I would do for the second stage power. As long as the buffs aren't ambiguous, then the second stage power should run fine. How should the buffs work? I said "stim-pack", which was shorthand for people are faster or stronger, but only in short bursts. However, I still leave it to you to figure out the details precisely. It is your character, after all.
 

Rads

Edgesquire
Original poster
Roleplay Invitations
Group Roleplays, One on One Roleplays, Chat Roleplays, Private Convo Roleplays
Posting Speed
Several Posts a Day, A Few Posts A Day, One Post a Day, A Few Posts a Week
My Usual Online Time
sorry don't know at this time but i'm happy to keep updating people
Writing Levels
Intermediate, Advanced
Genders You Prefer Playing
Male, Female, Primarily Prefer Male
Playing Style- Passive or Aggressive
I can be aggressive but if my partner has good ideas i'll go along with them.
Favorite Genres
fandom romance sci fi fantasy modern and possibly more
Genre You DON'T Like
yaoi yuri trap and bsm and futa
I think they're good. I've written what I would do for the second stage power. As long as the buffs aren't ambiguous, then the second stage power should run fine. How should the buffs work? I said "stim-pack", which was shorthand for people are faster or stronger, but only in short bursts. However, I still leave it to you to figure out the details precisely. It is your character, after all.
The continuous burn of mana as a potential danger from overusing her power is a good idea, also it makes sense to invest her energy into the bolts. i don't know if this can work on not but i was thinking maybe she can adapt the bolts so it can be adapted to friendlies energy instead of the flesh.
Also the drawback of potentially killing a person works because she hates needless killing so she would have issues with this unless she really hates the person.