Music in the Forest

Annabeth Fawn

Everything had gone quiet, the lonely kind, since Annabeth separated herself from Joss. She used to like the quiet, it gave her a sense of peace and control. Now, it only made the voices in her head louder, clearer and more antagonizing. With each passing day it was harder to pretend to be fine, that she was perfectly okay and not at all lonely when she was practically suffocating. Betsey felt the very real pain of isolation once again, this time it being her own fault, along with heartbreak.​
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Annabeth worked through it by distracting herself in anyway possible. She focused on schoolwork, working at her family's bakery and running. Unfortunately, running had been cut out of her distraction plan when she collapsed from overworking herself and not eating enough. Her mother had been furious, in fact, she had been angry with her throughout the entire month. The older woman had been so when her parents announced they'd be staying for Christmas and the New Years. ​
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That meant that Annabeth would have to straighten herself out for her old and wealthy grandparents who already looked down upon her. Her mother was determined to make her at least presentable for when they arrived. And every time Betsey screwed up even the slightest, there was more than just cutting words that followed after. Collapsing had put a dent in Joan's plan, the doctor had instructed rest and a proper diet. ​
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So, there Betsey was, laying in bed, watching as her kitten kneaded her bare thighs as Florence + The Machine played in the background. Downstairs, certain rooms were being renovated - it was another part of her mother's preparations - but the distant noise was drowned out in her room by the music that played. What did catch her ears attention was the sound of her ringing phone. Betsey assumed it to be Lana, her best friend did say she and her family were coming back to spend Winter break with family in Casselbrook.​
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It was not Lana though. Her eyes widened when Betsey read the caller ID. "Joss?" She mumbled, holding the ringing phone closely and jolting up from her spot. Annabeth, placed her feet against the floor, stood up, and began pacing the floor. It had been so long since Betsey had spoken to him, the wounds she had sustained were still open from their last conversation, but hell did she miss him. "Should I pick up?" She whispered to the kitten, hoping the animal would solve her problem for her. Minka only mewed, oh right, she was deaf.​
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Annabeth sighed deeply and pulled on her long pink cardigan over herself before heading out onto her balcony and answering the call. Swallowing hard, Betsey placed the phone against her ear and lowered herself onto the cushioned seat. "H-hello? Joss?"​
 
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JASPER CARMICHAEL​

Joss didn't actually register the fact that Betsey had picked up for a few seconds, but when it clicked, he let out a small "Oh!" of surprise. He sat up, causing the blonde girl in his lap to jolt in surprise, but she didn't make any noise and just continued to work a hickey into his neck.​
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"Hi, Betsey -- I didn't think you would pick up." Joss was very clearly off his face. His words were slurred, which coupled with his accent made his speech almost unintelligible, and if she were there, she would be able to see that his eyes were half-closed and that he was swaying a little even though he was sitting down. The girl who was kissing him was about just the same -- so much that she hadn't even realised he was on the phone.​
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In the weeks that had passed Joss had rehearsed what he would say if he ever finally made that call. But tonight, he couldn't recall any of what he had practiced and it was clear in the way he kept stopping and starting sentences as he tried to figure out what to say. It needed to be good, because he needed to convince her that he wanted her. It needed to be really spectacular. He only had one chance.​
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"...How are you?"​
 
Annabeth Fawn

Annabeth paused, she was almost unable to decipher what was being said to her, his speech was barely coherent. It promptly became evident to her that he was hammered and perhaps that also meant this call was an accident. With that knowledge in mind, Betsey released a quiet huff. She knew she should not have answered, but she did, and now she was a tad frustrated and hurt that the first time that he called in a months he was off his face. Betsey was also frustrated with herself for feeling some concern for him in his state, was anybody watching Joss, making sure he didn't do anything harmful or stupid? ​
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Obviously not if he had called her.​
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"I am doing ... okay." She answered, though her response wasn't wholly honest. Part of the reason she felt like crumbling was not even his fault, so, she wouldn't get into it. Especially when he was drunk and would either forget half of this conversation or pass out in the middle of it. Betsey considered hanging up there, but even if he was wasted, maybe he still had something important to say. It had been a month after all. "How are you doing? Are you okay?" Betsey asked, sincerely concerned about his well being. Right now, Joss didn't sound so good. "You're drunk." Betsey flat out said, hoping that he too would acknowledge this and choose his words carefully.​
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It was cold outside, the air was bitingly cold and it was starting to lightly snow. At the sight of the white flakes Betsey pulled her knees into her chest and pulled the flaps of her cardigan over her body tighter. Winter in Casselbrook was always beautiful, just as every other season was. Stupidly enough, Betsey had thought she'd be spending it with the drunkard on the other line.​
 
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JASPER CARMICHAEL​
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"...Am I drunk?" Joss asked, very confused. He glanced at the girl, who shook her head, and he shrugged. "I'm fine. I'm great, actually. That's why I wanted to call you."​
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Joss was still slurring his words, sounding out of breath and exhausted, but he was getting his point across. He took a moment to collect his thoughts as best he could in his incredibly intoxicated state. He only had one shot at this and he wanted to do it right. He didn't want to be fighting with Betsey anymore. He wanted things to be okay.​
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"Betsey ... look ... I'm sorry for being a fucking wanker ... I thought I was doing the right thing, but ... but I really want to be with you, I really like you ..."​
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Joss meant what he was saying, but he wouldn't have said it at all if he were sober. If he were sober, he would realise how stupid he was being by saying all this over the phone, and how he still didn't want to destroy the delicate girl with his mess of a life. But that didn't mean that he truly did like Betsey, and he wanted to make things right.​
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"Who are you talking to?" the blonde girl asked as she sat up and took her shirt off.​
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"Betsey."​
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"Who's Betsey?"​
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"My friend, who I hurt --" Joss gasped a little as the girl put her hand somewhere very NSFW, but he didn't pay much attention to it otherwise and instead closed his eyes so he could concentrate on the girl on the other end of the line. "Betsey?"​
 
Annabeth Fawn

"You are such a fucking asshole." The words flew from her mouth before Betsey could even think them over. In just a minute or two he had managed to anger her, humiliate her and cut deeper into her already bleeding wounds. And he wasn't at all aware of is mistake, of how absolutely foolish and dickish he was being. Even in his intoxicated state, there was no room for leeway, not after she heard all that transpired between him and whoever the fuck was with him.​
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Betsey inhaled sharply, squeezing her phone tightly and tried to calm down. It didn't work, but she wasn't screaming into the cellphone, despite wanting to do that. Betsey just didn't have the energy to, but that didn't mean her voice was any less vexatious and low which was arguably more dangerous. "You don't mean that." She glanced over her knees and stared at her toes as she took deep breath.​
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"If you did, you wouldn't be drunk, you wouldn't be telling me this over the phone and you wouldn't be with some other girl you dickhead. You're being an even bigger wanker now." Her voice cracked, but she wasn't crying. Betsey's one clenched fist shook, but she ignored it and focused on breathing. "I'm not going to come to you just so you can turn me away again."​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL​
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Betsey suddenly snapped at him and Joss was very confused. Hadn't he just explained that he liked her, and that he wanted to give them a chance? Shouldn't she be happy? What had he done wrong? "Betsey, I --"​
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"Jooosssss," the girl whined, moving her hand from his nether regions to smack him playfully on both shoulders. "Get off the phooooonee."​
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"I'm talking to Betsey," Joss slurred.​
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"Hurry uuuuuuppp," the girl demanded, before she began to kiss down the length of his chest.​
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Joss leaned into the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "Betsey ... I get if you hate me. Everyone hates me. I hate myself. But I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you." Even in his drunken state, Jasper Carmichael knew that to be the truth. "I did everything I did to avoid you getting hurt. I just need you to know that."​
 
Annabeth Fawn

Betsey unclenched her fist, covered her eyes and curled her cold and numb toes. "I don't hate you, Joss." Her voice softened, but there was still that underlying frustration, though it was being overshadowed by her misery. "But I'm mad at you and you're hurting me now." A single tear slipped from her eyes, she hurriedly wiped it away and closed her eyes.​
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Rubbing her already red tipped nose, Betsey didn't know what else to say. She was too tired to say anything more and she wasn't sure what more she could say. Besides, she was sick of hearing the voice beside him, implanting images in her head. Betsey felt sick, she need to lay down.​
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"Don't call me when you're drunk, Joss. Or when you're high ... " The blonde paused looking through the glass slide doors into her bedroom. "Just don't call me at all." And with that, Annabeth pulled the phone away from her ear before she lost her resolve or broke down. With one tap she hung up and proceeded to shut off her phone.​
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"You did right." Betsey told herself, throwing an arm over her face and falling back on her sofa. She couldn't help but worry about him, but she was too upset to act on it.​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL​

Joss only waited a week after that disastrous phone call, the entirety of which he remembered perfectly, before he decided he was going to fix things with Betsey before he fucked it all up again.​
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He didn't disobey her instructions -- he didn't call her, nor did he text her or email her or try to communicate with her on any form of social media. Instead, he wrote her a song. He stayed awake for one solid night working on it, writing the lyrics and figuring out the rhythms on his guitar, and recording the whole thing on his shitty microphone and converting it to a format that could be played on a phone or on a computer. Then he had put the song on a USB, and without even bothering to get a wink of sleep, he had rode his bike all the way across town and disembarked it at Betsey's house.​
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He only knew where it was because of that fateful night, when Wyatt had dropped her off. He was relieved to see that no cars were in the driveway, meaning that no one was home. Joss, with his guitar strapped to his back and under-eye circles so dark they were almost black, walked up to the front door and knocked, praying that Betsey would answer, and then hear him out long enough for him to be able to explain everything properly.​
 
Annabeth Fawn

The Fawns left on a two day business trip to Portland. Well, the Fawns excluding Annabeth. Betsey was still too weak to travel with them, and her mother did not want her coming along as it was. Someone had to stay behind, she supposed, it was her. To be honest, Betsey didn't particularly mind, who was going to watch and feed Minka while she was away? And her spirits were so down she'd be nothing but a wet blanket during the trip.​
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Sleeping was getting harder and harder to do, added to the fact that she was a light sleeper, Betsey woke up early and headed to the kitchen. She had just began to heat milk for hot chocolate when she heard the knock on the front door. To her knowledge there was to be no expected visitors, her parents had left only an hour ago and she couldn't think of who else would drop by. ​
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Betsey frowned, set down her spoon and moved to answer the door but not before checking the windows. She was a little than just surprised to see Jasper Carmichael standing in front of her door. And she was superbly relieved that her parents weren't around to witness it. For a brief minute, she considered not answering the door and pretending that she wasn't home. Annabeth wasn't sure if you could take another blow by talking to him.​
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But by the looks of it, he didn't appear to be drunk or high and it was cold outside. Her big heart wouldn't allow her to leave him standing there. She groaned, smacking her head with the palm of her and and unbolted the door. "What are you doing here?" Betsey asked as soon as the door was swung open. Her arms crossed over her chest and her frown still remained. Though, it probably wasn't as threatening when she was wearing pajamas.​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL​

Joss had had a whole speech planned for when he finally got to speak to Betsey, but all of his words died on his lips when he saw her. She just looked so ... broken, so fragile, like a tiny bird left featherless in the winter. Joss's stomach twisted and churned, because he knew that it was all his fault, and it was indicative of the very reason he had wanted to keep her out of his life in the first place.​
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But he was here, and he knew that if he left again it would break her even more. And besides, he had made up his mind and he wasn't going to let himself be talked out of it by his own brain again. So he went forth with what he wanted to say.​
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"Annabeth Fawn, I am so, so sorry," he whispered. His voice broke and he looked away for a moment to wipe the tears that had broken out of his exhausted eyes. "I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. I meant what I said that night -- I never meant to hurt you. But I did just that. And now, I'm here to try and make it right." ​
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Joss's voice, his gentle, musical voice, was completely serious in that moment. He looked up at her with an imploring and sincere look in his eyes. Pleading with her to believe him. "And I meant it when I said that my life was a mess. But if you'll let me, I want to tell you everything that happened to make my life a mess, so you'll understand me better. And if you'll have me ... I want you, Betsey. You make me so happy, you always have, and it kills me that I've made you anything but happy in return." ​
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Joss paused to take off his guitar, hold it delicately by the neck, and reach into his pocket to pull out the USB. "And ... I wrote you something, to tell you how I feel. If you'll let me, I would like to play it for you." ​
 
Annabeth Fawn

"I ..." Betsey's folded arms pressed into her body more while her fingers nervously rubbed her elbows. Fear made her hesitate, but it was very clear to her that Joss meant what he said, she could see it his eyes and hear it in his voice. Even if Betsey wanted to, she couldn't turn him away. There was a small voice in her head that informed her she'd regret it if she did.​
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Her doe blue eyes looked away from his face to the ground and back to Joss's eyes. Betsey was skittish, it was annoying to her how fast her "tough" and upset image fell and revealed how she was truly feeling. Scared and nervous. His voice and apology was to blame. Maybe that was how she knew this was going to be different from his phone call. ​
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"Okay." Annabeth nodded her blonde head, hoping she wouldn't in fact come to regret this. She had promised herself she wouldn't cry again, not over him. ​
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"Go ahead it." Standing in place, Betsey granted him permission to play his song.​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL​

Joss didn't waste any time once he had been granted permission. He picked up his guitar, slid the pick from beneath the strings, strummed the first note to find his key, and then began.​

"Maybe I shouldn't try to be perfect ... I confess, I'm obsessed with the surface ... in the end, if I fall or if I get it all .. I just hope that it's worth it."​

Joss's regular speaking voice often indicated how beautiful his singing voice was, but it couldn't really do it justice. Joss sung in a reflection of his British accent, though for this particular song it was a lot easier to understand. His voice carried raw emotion, raw feeling and soul, and it was tear-jerkingly beautiful."​

"Last year I fell flat on my face ... and last month I knew somethin' should change ... last week I started over again ... ask me and I'll tell you how I've been ... mhm, don't get me started ..."​

In this song, Joss was trying to capture how he had fucked up a lot, but how Betsey made him feel like he could pick it all back up again. How the fear of losing her entirely had made him scared of speaking to her at all. But how he was trying to overcome these demons, and trying his absolute fucking best to prove to her that he was worthy of her time and of her affections.​

"You've got me nervous to speak ... so I just won't say anything at all ... I've got an urge to release and you keep tellin' me to hold on ... you've got me nervous to move ... so I just won't give anything to you ... you got me turnin' all around to be who you need me to ..." ​

Joss's song drifted to a close, the last few notes reverberating behind him and into the cool winter air. He finished, bit his lip and looked up at Betsey, anxiously awaiting her answer, and hoping that the message of his song had been conveyed.​
 
Annabeth Fawn

In just a few minutes, with the power of Joss's beautiful voice and the moving music he played on his guitar, Annabeth had broken her resolve of not crying. Before he even reached the bridge of his song, her eyes began water without her permission. At that point, Betsey didn't care to hold back anymore because his message in song had reached her heart loud and clear, better than any speech would have. The music moved her emotions, heavily affecting her and making her body tremble slightly. ​
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When he was done, Betsey had unfolded her arms and brushed away spilled tears from her rose painted cheeks. How was she supposed to respond to that? Would anything that came out of her mouth weigh as much as the song Joss had just sung for her? No, Betsey had never been good with words to begin with, but one didn't have to speak to answer profoundly.​
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Betsey released a shaky breath, carefully stepped forward before her emotions took over and she practically rushed to hug him. Stepping on the tips of her toes, Betsey wrapped her arms around her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. He was cold, Betsey acknowledged as she held him close and truthfully she didn't want to let him go. "I still want you." Softly whispered Betsey as she pulled back just a little, but kept her arms around him. "I want you. I like you a lot." Annabeth said, her voice clear and not muffled by the clothing.​
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It would be nearly impossible for her not to understand after a song like that. In many ways, Betsey could relate to his song. But if he didn't hold back neither would she.​
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"You're cold. Do you - do you want to come inside?" Betsey fumbled momentarily.​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL​

When Betsey started crying, Joss feared that he had done something wrong. Betsey just seemed so delicate, sensitive, like she could break if you pushed her too hard, and that was scary. He didn't like the idea that she was so fragile, because paired with someone like him, she was at constant risk of shattering into a million pieces.​
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But then she stepped forward and hugged him, and Joss broke too. He let his tears gently flow down his cheeks as he wrapped his long arms around her small frame. She was so beautiful, so precious, Joss just wanted to shield her from everything in the entire world.​
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And she wanted him. If she wanted him, he would have her. He would change for her, make himself a better person, if it meant that he could have the most beautiful person in the world.​
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"I want you too," he whispered. Then he happily accepted her offer of going inside.​
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Joss took off his shoes at the door because he figured a family with such a nice house would insist on that. He carefully set his guitar next to the door as well, and took off his jacket and hung it on a hook. Then, he turned to look at Betsey, rubbing the goosebumps on her arms in hope of warming her up.​
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"Do you have somewhere we can talk? I'd like to explain some things to you before we make any decisions."​
 
Annabeth Fawn

"There is," nodded Betsey before she took his hand in her own, intertwining their fingers. She led them out of the foyer and up the wooden steps of the staircase to the first place she thought of, her bedroom. It was the one place that Betsey always felt comfortable within. In it, she was able to speak her thoughts a loud and cry without any fear, delve into her hobbies and hideaway from her mother unless the woman called for her. These days, Joan had been extra demanding and extra cruel, the latest weakness of her health was weirdly enough Betsey's savior.​
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Unlike the rest of the house, her bedroom wasn't as nearly as elegant. It had to do with the fact that Joan hadn't put her hands on it, it was Betsey's in whole. Her room was cozy and still gave a great aesthetic pleasure. It was a decent and lovely size, only one window behind her bed but there was a balcony with glass doors that the light truly shined through.The only problem was that the room was drafty, because of that, her father had bought her a space heater for the cold seasons.​
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The same space heater that she immediately turned up upon entering. Betsey was relatively happy that she tidied up a while ago so he wouldn't have stumbled into a mess, not that she was a generally messy person, but when she drew she was. "Oh." Betsey said when her eyes spotted the red cat bed, from which a fluffy white kitten was currently napping upon, in the middle of her mattress from. ​
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Betsey released his hand temporarily to move the little feline bed onto the floor to make room for them. "Here," she retook his hand and sat with him on the bed. "You can talk now." ​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL​

Joss walked into Betsey's room. It was clean and bright and lovely, just like her. He mentally compared it to his own bedroom, which was small and dinghy and rarely saw any sunlight. His clothes were strewn across the floor and the whole place stunk of cigarette smoke. How could he even hope to provide her with anything nice? He had nothing.​
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Joss pushed those thoughts out of his mind for the moment and perched himself on the bed, intending to do exactly as he said he would do. "Okay," he said quietly, giving a small sigh. "I'm going to explain three things to you, the three main things that make me who I am today. Please keep in mind that very few people know about these things -- one of them no one knows at all." Joss swallowed. "I'm telling you this because I need you to understand me, before you can decide whether or not you really want me."​
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Joss swallowed again, before he begun his speech. "Okay, I'll start with the most recent, and least impactful thing. My last girlfriend, Lara McClure. She broke me, and she made me lose faith in relationships altogether."​
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He took a deep breath, and then proceeded to explain. "I was sobering up when I met her. Like, I was still smoking, but I had stopped doing the hard drugs and I was getting off the alcohol. I was getting better. But then I met her and I fell in love with her and she got me back on everything. Obviously I made the decision to do it, but I did it because I thought that was what she wanted, and I wanted to make her happy.​
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"I loved her, I really did, but there was no way in hell that she ever loved me. I found out after we'd broken up that she'd been cheating on me from the start, but I never knew she was doing it until we'd been together for about a year and she sent me a video of her fucking this guy, Alex Stassinger. I was hysterical -- I found him at school and I beat him within an inch of his life. I nearly got indicted for it."​
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Joss sighed and ran a hand over his face. "That was last year, so not that long ago. That was why I had what I had with Marisol -- I didn't want a proper relationship, because I didn't think I could ever feel that way about someone again. So, I meant it when I said to you that I wasn't ready. But I am now."​
 
Annabeth Fawn
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Annabeth stared him in the face, but her fingers fidgeted with the duvet on the bed as she let his words sunk in. "I saw you fight him." Well it wasn't really a fight as it was simple Joss beating the shit out of him. She had only seen half of it before leaving, unable to watch any longer. That was the first time Betsey had seen him in a state of rage and acting out in violence, prior to Casey, who had gotten off lucky in comparison. It also had been her first impression of him, a terrifying, angry and violent person. ​
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Needless to say, it was completely false impression.​
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"I just had no idea why until now." Betsey frowned, clearly disgusted by the mention of Lara whom she had never meant. However, Betsey didn't need to know her to know she hated her, she had left a deep scar in Joss and left him with nothing but bad habits.​
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How could some people treat the ones they were supposed to love, who only loved them, like they were nothing?How could they do nothing but hurt them in return? In this case, it had been taken a step further and Lara had treated him worse than as if he was no one to her. Because Annabeth could relate, it made it that much more upsetting and painful to hear. And more so now that she knew it was part of the reason he held back.​
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Subconsciously, she squeezed his hand, whispering,"No one should have to go through that. I'm sorry."​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL
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Joss gave her a small, weak smile. He hated that she had seen that fight, because it had definitely been perhaps one of his lowest moments, but he was glad that she didn't seem to begrudge him for his actions. Of course, the reasoning behind what he had done did not justify his actual actions. But they did explain why he had done what he had done.​

"Thanks, love," he murmured. He squeezed her hand back, then took another deep breath before he launched into his next explanation. "Okay, the second thing. This is the one that no one knows about." He gave her a serious, pleading look. "And I really need you to understand that I don't want anyone but you to know about it, either. I don't think you'll just go around telling people. But still, I just need you to know that I'm telling you this with the utmost trust that you'll keep it to yourself."​

Joss sighed, pushed a hand through his messy curls, and stared solidly at the wall as he spoke. "I ... when I was fourteen, I had to go to juvie for a while. I don't even really remember what it was for -- it was probably for a thousand different things. I'm not proud of it. But that's the truth."​

And it wasn't even the secret he was attempting to divulge. "I was only there for about a month, though, because a couple of older boys found me in the hallway and pulled me into a storage closet." Joss stilled as he said this. He had previously been relaxed -- a little nervous, but otherwise calm. But now, he was frozen as he spoke, transported into the memory of one of the most traumatic incidents of his entire life.​

"They -- they were older, about seventeen, maybe, and I was smaller and skinnier and weaker -- fuck, Betsey, I was so weak compared to them. They ... they groped me, and they made me touch them, and they had me on the ground and I was crying and they were about to ra -- do worse things to me, but a guard came in and he --"​

Joss cut off, jerking violently and pressing a hand to his forehead. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself and remind himself of where he was. He wasn't there, in juvie, he was here, in Betsey's room, and he was safe. He was clutching her hand very tightly. Hopefully he wasn't hurting her.​

"I spent the rest of my sentence in a psych ward, completely traumatised because of what happened." Joss moved his hand, but turned his head towards Betsey and in his eyes she would be able to see how broken he truly had been during that period of his life. "I got out, but that's when my drug and alcohol addiction started. I couldn't cope with it -- I still can't cope with it. I ... I can't go to sleep at night without smoking some pot or drinking, love. If I don't, I won't be able to sleep because of the bad dreams."​
 
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Annabeth Fawn

It was a secret Annabeth could keep, she had nodded her head once he asked, but she hadn't the slightest clue how horrifying it was. The traumatizing experience he went through wasn't her own, but it still hurt tremendously, especially to see that the pain it brought him still effected him to this day. Betsey herself felt as she was suffocating when he recounted the event, it made her sick, angry and sad all it once, churning her stomach and watering her eyes.​
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Somehow, Bestey remembered to breathe and she quickly blinked back her unshed tears. She needed to say something, didn't she? But she was at a loss for words. There was nothing that she could think of that would console him wholly. The hurdles that had been thrown at him, never truly passed so it seemed. And she hated to see that, to see Joss hurting.​
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Swallowing down the large lump in her throat, she scooted closer to him, carefully putting her arms around him. "I'm so sorry." She croaked, feeling the need to apologize on everything, on the world for treating him this way, though it would never be enough. And she felt sorry for having put him through more pain herself. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." ​
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What he had just told her seemed like more than one person could bare, but to think there was a third thing he had to tell her. ​
 
JASPER CARMICHAEL​
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"You don't need to apologise," Joss mumbled. He let go of her hand only to wrap his arm around her tiny frame and hold her close. That had been the first time he had ever told anyone about that event, besides of course the people he had seen in the hospital, and his father. Literally no one else had known before now. It had felt so strange to say it.​
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But still, somehow, this wasn't the worst thing he had to tell.​
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Joss let go of Betsey and gently slipped out of her grasp, not because he didn't want to be close to her, but because he felt like he was suffocating. He took off the sweater he was wearing, set it aside, and crouched in front of her. He then twisted at a somewhat awkward angle to show her the two tattoos he had on his left wrist. It was the names Leanne and Stephanie, each done in neat calligraphy. He had gotten a lot of questions about them over the past, but very few people knew what they meant.​
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"Leanne was my mother, and Stephanie was my sister," Joss said in a quiet voice. He twisted so he was kneeling in front of her but kept his eyes on the tattoos on his skin. "Stephanie ... she ... she died when I was ten, back in England. She ... she was kidnapped on her way home from a friend's house, and she was missing for a month. When they found her, they ..."​
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By this point, Joss had given up on trying not to cry, and instead was violently shaking while the tears rushed down his cheeks and splattered against his knees. "Th - they found her when the guy who took her was trying to kidnap another girl. H - He had taken three girls before Steph and m - mol - done awful, terrible things to them -- I was o - outside the room when they told my parents what he'd done to her, and sh - and she --"​
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Joss cut off when a loud sob racked through his body. He reached up with both hands to clasp the messy curls of his hair, looking like a man gone deranged. "Sh - she was so b - broken and so m - mangled that they needed to look at her t - teeth to identify her and we couldn't have an o - open casket for her. She was so tiny, Betsey, she was tiny and frail like you but he broke her, and he killed her, and he --"​
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Joss cut off again, overcome with a wave of aggressive sobs that almost stopped him from breathing. He buried his face in his hands for a moment. He hated talking about this. He hated thinking of what had happened to Stephanie at all. But he needed to tell Betsey. He needed her to understand.​
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He took a huge breath, then looked up at Betsey as he finished. "He killed me too, when he did that to her. That was the start of everything, Betsey. I - I was never the same after that. And then my m - mum died when I was twelve, she had a car accident, and my d - dad and I moved to America, where his f - family lived, but he was n - never the same either and w - we've both been so fucked up since."​
​
Joss whimpered as the tears threatened to spill over again. He wiped them off his cheeks, then sat back on his heels and looked over at Betsey's little kitten in the basket. "I can't go to sleep at night without seeing the crime scene photos I got a glimpse at," Joss whispered. "Those photos, and the assault in juvie -- if I don't take something before I go to bed then they don't go away. I'm so fucked up, Betsey. I don't think I'm capable of getting better."​
 
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