MISC #6 Voting Thread: Family

Which entry do you want to win?


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It's that time! Kudos to everyone who participated this month, but the votes are in and we have our two winners:

@neobendium is your choice for Community Pick this month, for "The Blood of the Covenant Is Thicker Than the Water of the Womb".

Meanwhile, @Grumpy is the Manager Pick for "Family Dinner".

Prizes will be sent out shortly. See you next MISC!

(As per usual, I am Simon Cowell and am not doing public reviews because I am too mean. Please contact me if you'd like feedback on your entry.)
 
Congrats to @neobendium and @Grumpy!!!

You guys truly deserved to win with those wonderful entries! :confetti: :confetti: :confetti:
 
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I've not had consistent access to a computer for a while now, so I would like to apologize in advance—I won't be digging deeply into the technical aspects of each entry, like I normally would. (Note that I didn't do full-technical critiques last time either, for the same reasons.)

so let's just assume all the entries are written perfectly and carry on, k? ;]

The generally laid-back and occasionally self-aware style of the narration did well to push home Trystan's character, making for a fun entry that doesn't expect the reader to "sweat over the little things".

For this reason, it isn't as important that the plot is simple, or that it is resolved easily. After all, the liquor-store scenes—effectively acting as the introduction of and return to status quo—did well to illustrate the fact that Trystant is, to put it bluntly, overpowered.

There was a lack of dramatic tension in the middle of the story, however. With the phone call as the inciting incident, his dealings with the two grunts outside should have been the rising action to the ultimate climax—killing the Frenchman.

However, the lack of urgency he displayed when dealing with the grunts and his casual acknowledgement that Ashley had been tortured did not give the reader the impression that he was ever worried about her safety. This, compounded with his speech in regards to his lineage, that really had nothing to do with Ashley, made it seem like his butchering of the Frenchman was more to sate his sadistic streak than out of any vengeful bloodlust.

Ultimately, it didn't feel like Trystan had earned his return to status quo, in spite of the character development the readers were shown after the fact.

So, a good, fun entry? Yes. But it lacked the emotional/dramatic weight it could have achieved.

My entry! I agree with the reviewer's assertions that Painter, Inker, and Sculptor didn't get the correct proportion of attention. One-and-a-half scenes aren't really enough to build character!

As for Maria being unlikeable, I will also concede there. In the initial iteration of this plotline, Ariana was the lead, and was supposed to be defeated by Maria in large part due to Ariana's unwillingness to harm her sister. When I tried to reverse who's the "villain", I guess I didn't do a great job of it.

To those wondering, yes Maria would not be an ideal ruler, and was totally a brat. In a scene that I should have but didn't get around to writing, a more detailed explanation of the three men's organization and goals would have been developed, with Maria acting as a figurehead.

@An Otaku, I generally like to take a "this is what it does" vs the "this is how it does it" approach when presenting magic systems in stories; I concede I should have gone into more detail on what the runes were doing, but overall I still prefer to be on the vague side of things. ;)

While I understand what you mean, I'm having trouble finding cases where the actor is not made clear by the narration, save perhaps these two exceptions:
  • When two (and only two) characters are continuing a back-and-forth discussion after being introduced, in which each subsequent paragraph switches speaker;
  • When only one character is active in that section of the scene, such as when Maria was making her way through the tunnel, or when Ariana was holding a sleeping Maria.
Do you remember any scenes in particular where this issue occurred, so I can figure out where my authorial bias may be getting in the way?

Two final things:
  • I didn't have a title, partially because I was in a rush while submitting and forgot. That being said, I have written many short stories before where the critiquers explicitly singled out my titles as not suiting the tone of the piece itself, so I also kinda avoid them when I have an excuse. While I understand titles are important, it takes me a long time to come up with a good one, so I'd like to know. Which is worse, a bad title, or no title?
  • I accidentally hyper-invested myself in the prologue—ie, the part where they're children—which is why I ultimately ended up writing an epilogue that referenced Maria's childish demands, rather than the actual climax and plot of the story. Not a great decision.
On the subject of punctuation: [spoili] This entry was written as a txt file on my computer, transferred via cable to a file-storage app on my tablet, and uploaded to Google Drive. From there, I copy-pasted it onto Iwaku using my brother's computer, all of this about fifteen minutes before the deadline.

This is why one of my favourite punctuation marks—the em-dash—was converted into an accented "o".[/spoili]

A very strong entry with a well-balanced plot structure, it also had the benefit of well-developed characters—motives, weakness, backstories, and all—that it was easy for the reader to connect to.

In particular, the switches in perspective between Rayna and Serwil were careful to maintain consistent—and separate—banks of knowledge between the two, but also to address this lack of character knowledge specifically to give insight into how each is interested in learning more of their companion. For example, when Serwil sought—without assuming—to determine whether Rayna had history in the village. The reader knew she did, but having Serwil inch his way through blind helped to slowly ease out the juicy details. Far more effective than an exposition dump would have been, had it come from Rayna, for example.

Under the same logic, Serwil's backstory was not given the proper easing that could have rendered it more emotionally impactful. In the initial scene, Ren was not introduced as anything more than a nameless dead body that Kaehl had an inexplicable attachment to. Subsequent attempts at pulling information from Serwil were met with complete refusal to indulge—unlike Rayna, not even hints were given beyond what was immediately made clear of his brother's character. When Ren's death was finally explained and sympathy sought, it ultimately felt too late; an afterthought, paling in comparison to the hate the reader felt for the physical trauma Kerwin and his goons inflicted upon Serwil and Rayna.

All in all, the beginning of the story lacked a cause for Kaehl's suffering, and the conclusion lacked a consequence for Serwil and Rayna's escape, but the middle was certainly an enjoyable and compelling adventure.

A captivating plot with a diverse cast. Some of the characters—notably Sleek, Pakers, and Rogers—felt a little bit underrepresented, but all still served their roles well.

The structure of the narrative was also generally good, with a consistent rising action and a well-deserved climax. That being said, the conclusion was a bit brief, and the two prologues were a bit out of place.

While both were integral to understanding Wulfric's motives and backstory, neither transitioned well into the next, opting instead for a flat time-jump announcement. This can be done once without much trouble, but twice in such a short span of writing can leave the reader disoriented.

The mystery and unsettling horror of her family was very well presented from her perspective, despite the occasional inconsistency in style as brought up by other reviewers.

Often difficult for journal-style entries, the pacing was actually quite good with suspense and a fulfilling climax, even if it did start to describe events in a bit too much detail for a girl in horror of her own actions.

Interesting, captivating, and unsettling. Well done.

"Spare all save the king." So... The father dies either way?

An epic fight, with a set of powerful motives behind it. That being said, the plot was left extremely vague, which significantly diminished the overall weight of the entry. The relationship between the brothers, too, was hardly developed despite being ultimately the driving conflict of the story.

For such a short entry, it was quite good; but it did not have enough room to truly stand out.

Another short entry, but with a lot more emotional weight—in large part due to the poignant interactions of the newly-met assassin and child.

Both characters were very compelling, and the plot too touching in its own way. That being said, due to not seeing Jonah's style of action prior to his killing his father, it is harder for the reader to buy into this being an exception to his normal modus operandi—he is effectively softened by the lack of a status quo.

Captivating and well-written, and congrats on the win!
 
In my opinion, I felt this story was really well written. Not just that, I felt the theme of 'the blood of the covenant...' came out very well without feeling imposed. The struggle of the two, choosing family over oath or vice versa was a true conundrum. From a personal point of view, it's not exactly my cup of tea, but regardless, I'm impressed by this story.

merci for the kind words

In "Loyalties" I see a moral struggle that's carried out through physical action. Gabriel is holding fast to ideals and promises made between blood in the face of destruction; Hawkin desires giving way to practicality under fear of death, to maybe save lives in the present. Provided I'm not just seeing things, this is an exciting dilemna I'd like to see carried through, to know what answer the Author presents, but... I don't feel like this dilemna was given a resounding conclusion/answer.

This was actually intentional; I wanted there to be a winner and a loser, but I didn't want there to be a right answer and a wrong answer. A good brother and a bad brother. Both were supposed to be the good guys, with only a different set of priorities and a shit ton of immediate pressure forcing them to turn against each other.

The matter of this month's Family theme was well executed, though. Couldn't say which quote exactly, or if it was a subversion, but the ideological battle between blood was at the fore front of "Loyalties," so all in all: nice job!

All three, is what I was shooting for. Blood'n'Water + Contempt as the main ones, with a sprinkling of RunningFamilies for completionists sake.

"Spare all save the king." So... The father dies either way?

The father is part of the family sworn to defending the crown, not the crown itself.



Thanks y'all for the critiques; I'll be keeping them in mind for next time. Also, dang, I was sure self indulgent fight scenes was the secret to victory.

Things Copper Black and Reflections Both Did And Won With:
  • Self indulgent fight scene
  • Made to read like part of a larger story
  • Female lead
  • Fighting Woman/Women
  • Short tempered + rude woman
  • The word "Extravagent"
 
The reviews are hopefully not too short. I am a little crunched for time this month but I really appreciate everyone that entered! I know that the time crept up (and attacked) a lot of you but it would of course not be nearly as much fun without all you lovely writers participating so even if you didn't win, thank you for giving it a shot and participating with us!

I try to be constructive but everyone knows criticism is easier than noting everything that went fine, etc.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to PM me or something!

There were some assorted errors in grammar and wording throughout, though nothing that impacted understanding.

The use of italics was somewhat excessive and fewer instances would have been more meaningful, as well as easier to read.

The idea of the main character was somewhat interesting to the story but could have benefited from more time spent on interactions with Ashley (which is important to the climax/ending) versus interactions with “villains” (which outnumber interactions with Ashley but the majority of which are less important to the story).
Word usage felt good on the whole and there was a certain ambience to some of the scenes that was well-done.

I was interested to learn more about Painter/Sculptor and it feels like there were plans to expand on them as characters that didn't end up making the cut which felt a little unfinished.

I was a little confused about Maria and her lack of tolerance for magemelt swimming vs. having it tattooed into her body and having the ability to unmagemelt Ariana? Different kinds (colors?) of magemelt having different effects that weren't expanded on or something else?

Maria's character through some glimpses of her seems likeable from what is presented but there's not much to her to be able to definitively say.

The ending was fine but confused me, I was expecting something more to do with Ariana or magemelt or something besides chocolate.

Overall a good story base that feels like it was a victim of the time restraint.
The technical aspects of the writing are good with no noticeable problems in grammar or spelling. The vocabulary is colorful and varied.

There is a lot of exposition bits which, in and of itself, is not bad but can leave the characters feeling a little distant and I had a hard time connecting with them. The flashes of Rayna as she begins to realize her crush were probably the most connected that I felt to any of the characters.

The story feels somewhat rushed towards the end for conclusions to come together. In my opinion, the resolution seemed a little early with lots of questions left in the wake. Overall, though, it felt like a good story that would just benefit from a little extra time paid to the ending (or a chance to be expanded more than it is at present).
Some minor errors with grammar/punctuation, most of which did not disrupt reading. Photos/photo's was a recurring one however so I figured I'd mention it.

The police ceremony initiation wasn't a bad scene but in my opinion, it feels like it could have been tweaked to give more to the story.

Some details about the story felt incongruous to me, like handcuffing a man with multiple gunshot wounds and a broken shoulder to his hospital bed or his brother ending up in the same place that he'd fled in secret but the story overall uses the chosen quote in an interesting and creative way.
No obvious errors in grammar or spelling.

I liked the fact that the “quarry” and some of the more gruesome details about what a young girl was thrilled about were revealed later in the story's progression. The format of the story lends itself to identifying with the main character.

In a few places, I think that there could have been a little more to flesh out some of the story (Entry#2 does a good job of highlighting the immaturity and naivete but the writing is a bit out of place with the rest and I feel could have had a nugget or two more for story/background as well). I also liked the nods toward the divergent developments of Dagny's people, such as the sister's eyes, which employs good use of showing certain details.
The setting at the beginning is important and interesting but I had a bit of a hard time getting oriented with where everyone and everything was, especially with so many different groups to track. After the beginning, though, details begin to flesh out who each party is and makes it easier to follow.

The story was interesting and the underlying plot seems to beg for more. Information on what the rebels are fighting for comes to mind for one of many things would that I would like to know more about. The story feels like it’s not quite at the end when it ends and the sister feels like a thread brought to the forefront at the beginning and then written off.
Spelling and grammar are fine with no noticeable errors.

The story falls into a fairly reliable pattern of “innocent suffering child with vaguely evil cruel parent saved by killer with a soft spot for kids” . The story wasn’t bad by any means but predictable without much deviation from a somewhat standard story trope. I would have loved the setting expanded on more since I think it was one of the more novel ideas in the story.
 
My reviews for this round of MISC are going to be messier than previous reviews. They're less a formal and cohesive overview of the pros and cons of each entry, more a list of notes and things I noticed while reading. Some are short notes, some I expanded on, but it's mostly criticism because negative things pop out more when reading than positive things. Hopefully you'll still find them useful regardless. :D

The saying "less is more" is actually true for some things. Text formatting for emphasis is definitely one of those things. When every other sentence has an emphasized word, the emphasis loses its impact.

Long ramble about alcohol was useless, makes me annoyed with the character before getting to anything interesting.

The arrogant thoughts of the main character, followed up with the casual murder of the thug who was trying to run away, reinforce the sense that he's a douche. Generally for a villain protagonist sort of story you want to make them charismatic or something to give the audience a reason to cheer for them, but this guy is unsympathetic and unlikeable.

Random switches between past and present tense at start of second section lead to confusion.

Fourth wall breaking should generally only be done in comedy. Is this supposed to be a comedy? I haven't really felt like any of Trystan being an asshole was supposed to be particularly humorous, just him being a jerk, so I'm not sure if it was the earlier attempts at humor that fell flat to fail to build the tone or if it's this lawnmower thing and the fourth wall breaking that is offbeat from the rest of the story. Either way, it's very jarring.

Trystan sighs a lot. Using other actions to display annoyance and exasperation and whatnot would have been a good idea to reduce repetition. Especially true in the last scene where I counted 3 sighs in 2 paragraphs at one point.

The exposition beatdown was hamfisted. It managed to be at once Trystan saying too much and not enough; too much because why was he trying to tell his life story to a guy he was killing, and not enough because it still didn't really answer most of the questions that exist about what exactly Trystan is. It was clearly intended to mark off that "It runs in the family" concept from the prompt, but it's unfortunate that it was just a one time mention rather than actually feeling important to the overall story.

The ending is on the weak side, mostly because there was no build up to the changes in Trystan. It just felt very sudden. It was all monster monster monster then suddenly he's dating Ashley and no longer casually murdering robbers. There was nothing to really signify emotional or personal growth in Trystan until that last scene. He didn't have any thoughts about being worried or whatever while rescuing Ashley, he just seemed bored and annoyed at the inconvenience, and then the exposition beatdown made it sound like he wasn't going to change because it runs in the family... but then boom, change out of nowhere. With proper build up this could have been a decent ending, but as it stands it feels off.

Well that's a really creepy and weird start to the story. Managed to catch my interest though (because I'm wondering if Maria about to be murdered or something), so it works.

I'm not sure what was going on to replace a lot of your punctuation (commas? dashes? not sure) with ó, but it's distracting.

This worldbuilding stuff is currently very confusing, at the point of the council deciding that Maria is too weak to lead. So far nothing but the existence of magemelt as liquid energy has been mentioned in regards to magic and whatnot, so the whole "she can't be queen because she lacks this power" thing feels weird since most monarchs tend to get by with having, y'know, guards and stuff to make sure they don't HAVE to defend themselves.

So Maria lacks tolerance for heavily diluted magemelt but won't die from some form of it being literally injected into her skin? Odd. At this point I really would have liked to see you explain how this stuff works to some degree, because currently it makes absolutely zero sense. It's just magic goop that can be bathed in or used as ink for tattoos for... some reason.

The utter lack of deep characterization for Maria in however much time has passed since she was discarded as the heir is a major problem. Why does she care enough about being the ruler to want to fight and possibly kill her sister who, last we saw, she cared for? Obsession with birthright? Lust for power? Pure jealousy? Hatred for Ariana? Wanting to save Ariana from the grip of magemelt making her a menace? So many possibilities, but no answers. There's plenty to explain why Ariana would take the challenge, but when the fight starts the reader is left wondering why Maria is doing this. In fact, we know far more about Ariana's personality and motivations than we do about the protagonist of the story. That's really weird.

If tattooing someone with magemelt is so effective as to match the strength and speed of the strongest person in 3 generations, even when used on someone who lacks the tolerance for the substance, why in the world didn't the council people know about it and decide "oh, okay, guess we gotta tattoo her rather than doing the pool thing" and not boot Maria? Why must the leader do the magemelt thing at all instead of tattooing guards with these designs to make them super powerful? Thanks to the reader knowing almost nothing about this magemelt stuff and getting no backstory for the three guys who helped Maria, it feels like a lazy handwave to make Maria win because she's the protagonist.

Did the magemelt also fry Ariana's brains? She got wrecked by one of the oldest fight tricks, play beaten and then attack when their guard is down. Also, if such seal things exist to totally wreck the power granted by the magemelt baths, why were people so adamant about their ruler having the powers from the magemelt bathing when a determined assassin could totally get the seals and ruin them? Another question added to the growing list.

The epilogue felt like a pointless addition.

While I enjoyed the read, this story overall suffers from a lack of details. Worldbuilding details (like explaining magemelt and why having a physically powerful ruler instead of the standard tons of armed guards was so important) could have made Maria's removal seem less abrupt and strange. Same goes for making the whole magemelt tattoo/seal things seem less deus ex machina by way of giving some actual history to the people who made them and why it wasn't common knowledge. Oh, and more characterization for Maria would have helped a lot too, because I never actually got around to caring about her, which is bad news. There are some cool concepts at play here, the family theme was used well as a core aspect of the story, and the fact that I was interested enough to want more is a good thing, but this story is just too barebones to really work well as in in my opinion.

Solid hook, leaves the reader with plenty of questions.

The subtle bits of characterization for Rayna, with just little expressions and such, is well done.

Having that guy show up oh so perfectly right after Rayna was thinking about wanting Serwil to stay felt very cliche. Yeah, something HAD to happen to moves things along, but it felt a little too much like something randomly shoved in there for blatant narrative convenience for my taste.

The village chief guy calling in the brother was such an obvious course for the story to take that I was kind of disappointed with it. Same goes with Rayna killing the brother. It's not bad storytelling in and of itself, I just saw it coming from a mile away.

Overall not much to say about this entry because it's good, not much to complain about. The family theme was clear throughout the story, definitely a core focus of it.

Oh, one thing I recalled after finishing reading though: I thought "Serwil" was going to have some kind of meaning or importance to be explained later, but apparently not. That was unfortunate and feels like a loose end.

At the start of the story it feels like the reader is being beaten over the head with things to say "I'M NOT SAYING THE WORD WEREWOLF BUT HE'S TOTALLY A WEREWOLF!!!" Wulfric's name, the pack name, all the uses of the words pack and pup and runt. It starts to feel patronizing rather quickly, and then it comes off as a very odd choice when "vampire" is used without any issues and the next section starts off with bluntly saying all sorts of supernatural creatures live among humans.

Wulfric's shorthand names for the different supernatural creatures are amusing. Also apparently he calls human "beans," which I'm guessing is a play on the latter word in "human being." It made me chuckle.

These are some hefty time skips without us ever really learning much about Wulfric. 16 years have passed in the story and all I know about him is he didn't have the cruelty to kill in cold blood and I guess wants to do good because he joined law enforcement. That feels really awkward, might have been better to start the story in the actual intended modern day of it and pop in some flashbacks.

The lack of proper punctuation for dialogue (specifically the lack of periods or commas to separate dialogue and non-dialogue in the same paragraph) has become an irritating distraction for me. Many typos and general other punctuation issues as well, but the dialogue stuff is a pet peeve of mine so I noted it first.

This meeting with Wulfric explaining everything feels like a recap of the story thus far, which is really not needed in a short story. Would have been better to skip that with a quick mention of "they filled Rogers in on the details" and then get to explaining the plan itself.

Wulfric had a clean shot on a known baddie in the middle of killing people, including two cops... and he didn't take it. Wow. Pretty bad police work there, buddy. It feels very much like contrived nonsense to force a face to face confrontation with Merek, which could have easily been arranged in a less awkward way.

The ending was short but sweet, got the point of "we're your family now" across without taking forever to go over it.

Decent hook. Not so much the storm bit at the start, but the questions that arise from the paragraph that follows are intriguing.

Huh, I'd thought this was something set back in the day, mid 1900's maybe. Something about the writing and the way stuff was talked about gave me an antiquated vibe, but here the girl's throwing "omg" and emoticons in her writing. Kind of jarring, but maybe that's just the fault of my interpretation.

There's a lot of Dagny waxing philosophical in the middle, but it doesn't really get the intended emotions across very well. I don't get a feel of the fear and disgust that is more or less stated to exist within her, just some righteous indignation. Could be just a limitation of the diary format, since you can't give note of all the physical cues of emotions without it being weird, but it's unfortunate since there ought to be some strong emotions involved.

Overall I liked this entry, thus the few notes. Despite the above note, the diary format was a good choice for telling this story without taking probably three or four times as many words to tell it. Also nice for giving a more organic way to introduce the concepts like the True Path and the Feast, starting with the casual mention of them and then letting them be explained without needing much in the way of exposition. The family theme was used very well, and I particularly liked how you had Dagny choose something over her blood family but it wasn't a new family they felt closer to, just moral/spiritual rightness that could have lead to finding a new family.

Solid hook. Throwing readers into the middle of a siege opens up tons of questions, plus there's the apparent execution that's about to take place.

The transition of point of view was a little confusing at first. It seemed like a time skip from the first sentence. Could've been clearer and stronger switch if you lead with the mirrored line rather than leaving it to the end of Hawkin's first PoV paragraph.

Nice fight scene, giving the broad strokes for most of it rather than trying to explain every little move keeps things moving along nicely. I didn't look at the names of who sent in entries this month, since Kitti handled it the posting stuff, but I correctly identified the author based on the style used to write the fight. :P

Pretty good overall, as indicated by the low amount of criticism above. The family theme was pretty obviously central to the story. I would have liked to see more worldbuilding in a couple areas, particularly to give some explanation for the war even in brief. That information could have added another dimension to the conflict between brothers, such as making Gabriel either refuse to stand down before a morally bankrupt enemy or refusing to betray his oath even to a king who was a sack of shit who deserved being deposed. The lack didn't really harm the story in any big way, but "why did the war start in the first place?" was the last niggling question I had left when I finished it.

The first paragraph was weak as a hook, though eventually the little girl wanting to hire Jonah piques some interest. Also, immediately describing your presumed protagonist as a scary dude that terrifies criminals and innocents alike doesn't lend itself well to liking them.

Oh, and just because it confused me: "lithe" means thin, supple, or graceful, so you had me picturing a strangely slim armored dude who definitely would not be able to make the ground shake as he walked. It's a minor thing, but it pulled me out of the story for a "wait, what?" moment that broke the flow.

When you lead with 'armored guy with a sword,' the vast majority of people are going to go medieval in their thoughts. This is pretty clearly not a medieval setting, what with duct tape and linoleum floors being a thing, and the hard shift in visualization was jarring. Describing the surroundings is usually a decent way to clue the reader in to the time period of a setting, and it's best done early on unless you're intentionally trying to mislead them for a twist of some kind.

The paragraph with the kill scene had more "wait, what?" moments. That's a raggedy house and you think the walls or doors are thick enough that sound will only enter through the crack under the door? I don't think so, friendo. Even well-made walls will still carry loud sounds through to the other side enough to potentially wake a child. Then the killing itself: an hour of repeated stab wounds wouldn't leave the guy there wimpering in pain to bleed out. Dude would either be dead or unconscious from sheer blood loss, not to mention going into shock being a strong possibility for unconsciousness as well.

You've got a fine ending there. Baddie killed, big scary killer guy with a heart of gold takes the girl away from her shit life, and presumably she has a decent life thereafter. It's a classic. The family theme is pretty clear in the story, even without the accidental story naming giving your choice away. Overall it's a decent story, the plot's rushed but hits all the major beats needed to make sense, but it's pulled down a lot by issues with things that break immersion and flow.
 
Thanks @Holmishire @Kitti @Jorick for the reviews! As usual, very helpful in showing what was lacking.

I do agree that I could have explained more about Ren, that's one of my regrets in this story. The ending was definitely rushed, and I knew it while I was writing. ^_^' my main worry by then was that the story might end up too long. As for the name Serwil... I admit I wanted to give it a meaning, or make it her father's name lol, but then I thought that might be too cliche.

Going back to the ending, I did actually struggle with it a lot, mostly because my main question was "do they live or do they die?" The reason I let them live was because if they died, that meant Kerwin lives... I felt guilty leaving him alive to perform his nefarious deeds. However, if I do expand this story, which I think I will since it's from a very old idea, I'll probably keep him alive.

Anyway, thanks again!!
 
The blood etc in the hall of fame is missing author credit
 
@neobendium

You are too kind! Congrats and I'm happy for you! Woot! I've been away for a long time without regular access to a computer or the personal "alone" time to write, but try to grab a few seconds now and then to peek in on the site. Glad I could get a chance to vote. (Heading over to writing muses now and hope to crank out a few exercise responses before I get swooped up again in my unnatural situation as it currently stands). I'm not sure this reply is going where it should (even, it's been so long), but wotever!
 
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@An Otaku, I generally like to take a "this is what it does" vs the "this is how it does it" approach when presenting magic systems in stories; I concede I should have gone into more detail on what the runes were doing, but overall I still prefer to be on the vague side of things. ;)

While I understand what you mean, I'm having trouble finding cases where the actor is not made clear by the narration, save perhaps these two exceptions:
  • When two (and only two) characters are continuing a back-and-forth discussion after being introduced, in which each subsequent paragraph switches speaker;
  • When only one character is active in that section of the scene, such as when Maria was making her way through the tunnel, or when Ariana was holding a sleeping Maria.
Do you remember any scenes in particular where this issue occurred, so I can figure out where my authorial bias may be getting in the way?
So I re-read your submission for examples, but... I didn't really see much. I guess maybe I saw something that wasn't there, and was just a bit eye-tired while going through your entry (I really oughta stop reviewing each submission in one go). Anyway, I must've made a mistake there, I'm sorry! So I'd say you don't have any author bias in the way, haha (* ^ ω ^)
 
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