Mature Role-Plays While in a Relationship

Do you think it's okay for people to do smutty/mature role-plays if in a committed relationship?

  • Yes, as long as they are role-playing a different gender or sexually oriented character

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@Lady Sabine ,ok, this is where the clash comes in. the difference between people in their Lives, experiences, opinions, and beliefs. thank you for sharing your opinions with me :)

I am just living proof that you can call someone 'yours' and be territorial in very healthy loving ways and that it becomes abuse when it hinders the other person or ourselves.

we all have our own opinions or what RP is, we shouldn't change to suit others ideals. that is how I see Role playing, and is a major reason why I do not partake in such RP's.

To each their own






 
I've been trying not to touch this conversation with a 10-foot pole after making my initial post. As such, I'm going to keep what I have to say very short. I am in no way trying to be hostile or defensive, but I have things I feel like I should put out there... even though I'd rather avoid this entirely.

it's kind of like expecting a partner to share every meal with you, or at least let you know what they're eating and never eat with anyone else ever. It's just a bit... overbearing.

That's not at all a comparable situation.

I'm not saying I'm right or you're wrong, but I don't think I'm in the minority when I say I find that off-putting.

Popularity of opinion is not an argument.

The very statement "person is mine" just makes my skin crawl. Territoriality, possessiveness... I don't know, I guess it just doesn't jive with my personality type.

I don't know that those labels are all-encompassing or that it's accurate to broadly apply them to everyone who has reservations about this type of thing. It doesn't jive with your personality. That's perfectly fine and reasonable. You would not want to be in a relationship with someone who viewed this matter differently. Completely understandable. That's really all that needs to be said.

P.S. Can we accept the fact that people can have different views on this without being philandering cheats or possessive freaks and leave it at that?
 
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Just a reminder to everyone that this isn't a thread about what types of relationships are better. It's just a poll on an interesting subject and people shouldn't take what other people post seriously even though it's a potentially hot subject. Don't make me bet my beating stick! 8D
 
I simply brought up the topic because I was asked and am participating in a couple of mature role-plays, and I was hesitant to go anywhere with it as I felt a little guilty being that I am not currently single. I talked to my boyfriend about it and he didn't really care, but I know if he wanted to do the same thing I'd much rather he not. In fact, I didn't even want him getting into role-play.

Now, I know I can be a jealous person. I'm not particularly proud of it, but I also am not going to deny how I feel. I have been in two relationships besides this one. My first relationship started at the end of seventh grade, and lasted all the way until the summer of eighth grade. My best friend actually told me that my boyfriend, whom I loved, had been cheating on me for months. Months. And at my middle school, a relationship lasting longer than a week was uncommon. We were the famous couple. And he even admitted to it. That completely broke me. The whole summer and the first half of my freshman year I didn't even want to think about dating, as I was still hurt from knowing I was betrayed without a clue for at least a fourth of the time I was dating that kid. I don't want to sound egotistical or anything, but a lot of guys had asked me out in that time period, probably because female nerds are hard to come by (at least here).

About three-fourths into freshman year, I started dating a senior. Around mid-summer of that same year, I found out that he had been flirting with my online friend that I introduced him to. And by flirting, I mean like… y'know, role-playing sex scenes and pretending what they would do if they saw each other, etc. etc. My friend actually showed me screenshots of these conversations, as she didn't know that me and the senior were dating. She was disgusted, and felt awful. He, on the other hand, continued to deny it saying he was just "pretending" and its not like he'd ever see her, so what harm did it do?

Now I know being extremely jealous and over-protective isn't healthy or good, and I shouldn't doubt the person I love, but I get scared. I described my love life not to justify my jealousy and paranoia, but to explain where it came from. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to be doing smutty or mature role-playing not because I don't trust him, but because I know the power of words and I also have ended every relationship I've been in by finding out that the people I date are doing things behind my back. Relationships involve both parties, and I don't think it's my fault that it really bothers me thinking about letting my boyfriend do smutty and mature role-plays.

Maybe I'm just being way too paranoid, and I shouldn't have to worry about it if I'm in a committed relationship. You would probably say "well if he does cheat on you, or uses the role-play for unfaithful purposes, then at least you'll know he's not the one for you,". I understand that, and you're most likely right. It just hurts like nothing else when you find out the the person you have devoted so much to was just a huge lie.

I just don't think its "wrong" that I want to prevent the past from repeating itself, so I think that it's only okay to do smutty/mature role-plays with your partner's consent.
 
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I think the bottom line is that "everyone's relationship is different" and so long as it is healthy and both partners are happy with how things are, then it's not really much of your concern! I, personally, could not be in a relationship with a 'territorial' person. I've done it before, and it made me very, very unhappy. I would like someone who could realize that me role-playing 'mature' scenarios is no more than writing or, at the most extreme, the same as them looking at some form of pornography (and let's be real, how often would someone get upset about their partner reading erotic novels?) However, what works (or doesn't work) for me is not necessarily going to be the same for someone else, and that's okay.

I agree that extreme jealousy/territoriality can be a warning sign, but only if the partner of the jealous person is uncomfortable with it and wants it to change. It's not quite so black and white as 'this is always abusive behaviour' or 'this is never abusive behaviour.'
 
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@Lady Sabine ,ok, this is where the clash comes in. the difference between people in their Lives, experiences, opinions, and beliefs. thank you for sharing your opinions with me :)

I am just living proof that you can call someone 'yours' and be territorial in very healthy loving ways and that it becomes abuse when it hinders the other person or ourselves.

we all have our own opinions or what RP is, we shouldn't change to suit others ideals. that is how I see Role playing, and is a major reason why I do not partake in such RP's.

To each their own






And I really wish you were in the majority. ^^ I'm happy for you, like I would be happy for someone who scored a 2100 on the SAT, but I do feel the need to point out that getting your hopes up over these sorts of things is generally setting yourself up for failure.

Not all squares are rectangles; not all possessive people are abusive. But if it's got four parallel and four right angles, it's worth taking a look at. ^^ I feel like the subject of mature RPs in a partnership shouldn't be an issue or conflict; both partners should be compatible enough that there is no double standard. If both feel that it's an SO-only activity, that's great. If both feel like it's a public activity, that's great. But letting yourself get pressured one way or another will only build tension in the relationship, which isn't good for anything.



Popularity of opinion is not an argument.

For the most part, I agree with your post. However, I do feel the need to point out that there is no scientific way to deem these sorts of things "good" or "bad", only "normal" and "abnormal". So popularity of opinion is, really, the most unbiased argument regarding human sexuality/personality/etc. After all, when zoophilia doesn't harm the animal, how can you condemn it as a negative, or justify it as a positive? It's an argument you just can't get into logically. But it is, by and large, abnormal.




but only if the partner of the jealous person is uncomfortable with it and wants it to change.

No. Nononononononono.
This is the kind of misinformation that kills people. I get that you mean well, but this mindset is exactly why most women who are murdered are killed by their SO.
Most abused people are happy most of the time. Abuse follows predictable cycles. For at least half of the time, abusers are Prince Charming. They shower their victim with affection, with love, with praise, with gifts and money and special treats- it's the down times when the arguments, the put-downs, and the beatings start.
But these are a minority of times. They only happen once in a while- especially in the beginning.
The abused are happy. They like their relationship. Most of them feel very proud and strong because they are "the only person in the world who understands" their abuser. They know that s/he is changing, that this time they'll keep the promise, that this black eye is the last one they'll ever get. And right after the abuse, the positive feedback is the strongest.
Abusive relationships, on average, have higher total happiness levels than non-abuse ones, according to some surveys. Breakups in abusive relationships are less frequent than non-abusive ones.
The jealousy, the possessiveness- that's how the abuser makes the abused feel loved. "I mean more to him/her than anyone else in the world. Look at how much s/he needs me. I'm so important to him/her, and s/he's so important to me. We have that special connection that you see in romance movies. S/He'll never let me go".

I really wish we lived in a nice world where things made sense, and people who got the worst of it were unhappy with their situations and actively sought change. But we don't, and the most-abused victims often do the least complaining and are the least dissatisfied with it.
Communication is key. And just because both partners are okay with the action doesn't mean it's automatically okay.

Sorry for the mini-rant, but people really need to know this stuff. The mentality of victims is just so poorly understood by non-victims, and the only way to break the chain is to refuse to think in a way that lets abuse happen.
 
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No. Nononononononono.
This is the kind of misinformation that kills people. I get that you mean well, but this mindset is exactly why most women who are murdered are killed by their SO.
Most abused people are happy most of the time. Abuse follows predictable cycles. For at least half of the time, abusers are Prince Charming. They shower their victim with affection, with love, with praise, with gifts and money and special treats- it's the down times when the arguments, the put-downs, and the beatings start.
But these are a minority of times. They only happen once in a while- especially in the beginning.
The abused are happy. They like their relationship. Most of them feel very proud and strong because they are "the only person in the world who understands" their abuser. They know that s/he is changing, that this time they'll keep the promise, that this black eye is the last one they'll ever get. And right after the abuse, the positive feedback is the strongest.
Abusive relationships, on average, have higher total happiness levels than non-abuse ones, according to some surveys. Breakups in abusive relationships are less frequent than non-abusive ones.
The jealousy, the possessiveness- that's how the abuser makes the abused feel loved. "I mean more to him/her than anyone else in the world. Look at how much s/he needs me. I'm so important to him/her, and s/he's so important to me. We have that special connection that you see in romance movies. S/He'll never let me go".

I really wish we lived in a nice world where things made sense, and people who got the worst of it were unhappy with their situations and actively sought change. But we don't, and the most-abused victims often do the least complaining and are the least dissatisfied with it.
Communication is key. And just because both partners are okay with the action doesn't mean it's automatically okay.

Sorry for the mini-rant, but people really need to know this stuff. The mentality of victims is just so poorly understood by non-victims, and the only way to break the chain is to refuse to think in a way that lets abuse happen.

I have been in such a relationship and it didn't follow this pattern, nor did I feel the way you listed. Don't want to get into details, just mentioning that I'm not coming from a place of complete ignorance. I've also known a few people whose relationships, while abusive, did not follow the kind of pattern/statistics you're stating here. Not saying that what you're saying isn't true, just that it is not always true, and that in my experience it was not. Hence my statement. I'll be more careful with my words next time.

"And just because both partners are okay with the action doesn't mean it's automatically okay."

Pardon me if I'm misunderstanding, but if someone is all right with something their partner is doing, then in what way is it an issue? The same behaviour could be an issue in a different relationship, absolutely, but to me this just seems like you're saying that people don't know what's the best for them. I.E., "this behaviour is abusive and if you don't think it is/you are happy with it, you are wrong." Again, if I'm misunderstanding what you're saying I apologize.
 
I have been in such a relationship and it didn't follow this pattern, nor did I feel the way you listed. Don't want to get into details, just mentioning that I'm not coming from a place of complete ignorance. I've also known a few people whose relationships, while abusive, did not follow the kind of pattern/statistics you're stating here. Not saying that what you're saying isn't true, just that it is not always true, and that in my experience it was not. Hence my statement. I'll be more careful with my words next time.

"And just because both partners are okay with the action doesn't mean it's automatically okay."

Pardon me if I'm misunderstanding, but if someone is all right with something their partner is doing, then in what way is it an issue? The same behaviour could be an issue in a different relationship, absolutely, but to me this just seems like you're saying that people don't know what's the best for them. I.E., "this behaviour is abusive and if you don't think it is/you are happy with it, you are wrong." Again, if I'm misunderstanding what you're saying I apologize.

A lot of people will get into at least one abusive relationship- statistics cover the average, not the individual. :c Every case is different, every case is sad. (though some are, at times, morbidly hilarious)

Not what I'm saying at all. ^^ Doesn't make it automatically not OK, either.
Most long-term victims feel they deserve abuse. For example, I have a friend who cuts. She thinks it's a good way of controlling her emotions. She could find a partner who likes cutting her. They would both be ok with it, but I don't know in what universe letting your boyfriend take razors to your wrists is okay.
My point is that people do not always act in their own self-interest, and those who get the worst of it often don't realize just how much damge is being done, or they feel like they deserve it/it saves them from something worse/it makes them stronger in the end.
 
This thread is way off track from the original subject and in danger of becoming explosive despite warnings and so is locked until further notice.
 
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