Mature Role-Plays While in a Relationship

[heliacalRebirth]

I was just curious as to what everyone's opinion is on the topic of mature role-playing and commitments in real life. Is it "wrong" to be part of a smutty or mature-themed role-play if you have someone in your life?

What do you think?

And I don't mean to get any heated arguments going on, I'm honestly just curious as to everyone's opinions on the topic~

 

[Sidhe]

The only way I would consider it wrong is if you were role-playing as yourself. Otherwise: nah. Even then, I think it's kind of questionable as to whether or not it's 'cheating.' I think it kind of depends on why you are doing it, and whether or not your partner is okay with it.

 

[Insidious Joe]

That's an interesting question, and I think it kind of relies on just how much someone gets into it. If you're in a commitment and you use smutty rp to *ahem* then that obviously is a lot of red flags all at once.

To me it is just role-play, nothing more. I personally would still do it even in a relationship, because text on a screen about fictional characters is nothing to get worked up about or be ashamed of. Of course it helps that my significant other is an understanding individual. If she were the type that raised opposition to the idea, then I'd gladly stop it, because it has no effect on me.

 

[Diana]

This is a fun topic for me because not only do I have a solid vocal opinion, I have had lots of issues with this. 8D

Mature roleplay is just roleplay with sexual encounters as the defining plot point. Just like romance roleplays are about the romance, adventure roleplays are about the adventure, horror roleplays are about the horror. It just means that you're using sex as the means to develop the characters and the story. There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing a collaborative story about sex, whether you're dating/married/whatever. It's a story.

HOWEVER, this line totally gets blurred when people use self-insert characters, use the roleplay as masturbatory fuel, or just generally want to get off and have cyber sex. THAT'S where it stops being just a roleplay and it starts affecting your relationships.

If you're using mature rp to get hot and feisty, you need to tell your mate about it and make sure they are okay with that. o_o I think porn fuel is awesome and I have no problem with it and people using it. But if you're being secretive about it, there's something wrong. >>

 

[Peter Feels]

My significant other does these things. I don't care.

 

[LogicfromLogic]

If my lover got butthurt over a roleplay I'd just tell them it was a roleplay and not to be so damn over protective. Hate it when someone I am dating gets all up in arms over small things, when I'm not being disloyal.

Roleplaying is just a game, not the real deal. Keep acting like a baboon on hormones and you'll drive me away.

If i was roleplaying as myself then they could get angry. That is wrong, and a bit...disgusting to be honest. If i am roleplaying with someone, I don't want my character mucking around with you, I want him to be with the character.

Jeebus I have shivers up my spine now just thinking about it.


Thank you guys. Didn't need to sleep tonight anyways.

 

[Quiet One]

I don't see it as a big deal, and I doubt anyone I'd be with would either (if they're that jealous and possessive I wouldn't be with them). It's just a story. A dirty story, yes, but still a story. Most of the people in that section prefer there to be at least SOME plot mixed into their smut. And basically roleplayers are writers, aren't they? A married novelist doesn't stop writing sex scenes in his books. Same basic principle.

 

[Shokkou]

I hit "No, unless it's with their loved one." I don't know, I guess the line for me is in a different place than it is for most people. I think when you move into mature roleplay in that kind of situation, you're stepping into complicated and shaky ground unnecessarily. It's kind of awkward for me that some people seem to think that people who are of this opinion must be jealous or possessive people.

 

[Fijoli]

I am a very old school kind of person. This Role-playing thing is new compared to my parents and elders whom I picked up most of my behaviors from.

that being said, I don't think it is cheating or wrong, unless it "feels" wrong. everyone is different and everyone sees things and feels things differently, I would think it wise that considering others ((especially if they do not RP)) in any relationship, BF/GF, Engaged, and husband and wife.

there is a certain lack of respect spreading around that leaves people feeling betrayed, hurt, and broken, and as a long time Rper I have to say that WORDS ARE POWERFUL.

even though we are 'just' roleplaying, it doesn't always look or feel that it is "just' and 'only' that.

I personally feel that I CANNOT SMUT at all, I couldn't even do it while I was single so forget about doing it now lol. I have just had enough of sex, on all forms of expression to care much about it anymore. Sex does not excite me nor does reading about it.

when it comes to relationships its not about you...it's about "us" "you and them" you aren't alone in a relationship and should always respect each other enough to communicate wants and needs. While I may have my own personal experiences with why I choose to RP the way I do, I do not expect others to do the same.

Because I'll read smut and Mature RP's no problem, and I enjoy the flavorful vocabulary some choose to use. Mature and smut is just not for everyone and the only person who can really tell you whether it is wrong or not is "YOU" and "YOUR PARTNER" talk to your spouse, only they can tell you if it bothers them or not, and no one should let others speak for their spouses. Do not just follow what the "status quo" dictates.

Our opinions and lives will not determine the reality inside of the way someone else thinks or feels. it is always a good idea to ask outright.

I've been in the situation too many times to count every relationship except for my current one was mostly the guy getting pissed off as soon as they heard the words "role Play", like they jumped the gun straight for the mature stuff and assumed thats all I was doing.
and no amount of explaining to them EVEN SHOWING THEM worked.

so I thought I could shed some light on a different perspective.

and share what I learned from my experiences. I hope this helped :)


It will always boil down to the individual you choose to be with and how they feel about it, and whether or not you are willing to accept it.

so I chose yes, but with permission. because in relationships you must respect eachothers wishes, desires, and needs, or that relationship...won't last very long, and no one wants to hide who they are so always be true to yourself and your spouses.

Oh boy, I ramble too much XD​

 

[fatalrendezvous]

I'm with most others here that roleplay ultimately boils down to cooperative storytelling. If I authored a story with sex in it, and asked for creative collaboration from another talented writer (or multiple writers), would that be taboo?

I think the answer for most people is probably not.

I also have no problem with people using smut or erotic roleplay for personal reasons to get heated up or as masturbatory material, since in many ways that's kind of the goal. But self-inserts where you yourself are the character are where I personally draw the line. If it's not clear whether I'm roleplaying with my partner's character or my partner himself/herself, I will clarify just to be sure.

I have no interest in having sex with any Iwakuans (no offense lol). But I will write about my characters shagging your characters up, down, and sideways all day long.

 

[Scrap Iron]

I chose "Yes, as long as they don't get too into it." I've mentioned elsewhere that I have a history of getting too involved in certain roleplays in the past, so that idea still sticks in my mind.

I don't think, in a relationship situation, that it matters much otherwise.

 

[Lady Sabine]

My boyfriend watches porn. I write some smut. We both understand that just because something is inherently sexual doesn't mean it's inherently being disloyal. Now, if I was using it as any sort of escapism -emotional or psychological, primarily- I would see it quite differently. But it's not. For me, it's just a form of entertainment, like reading or writing. My characters aren't me. I'm not my characters. I don't want to be them, or dream for them to come to me.
To me, the root of this issue is trust. If your SO doesn't believe that you can do anything sexual without it automatically qualifying as some kinds of "cheating", there are probably underlying issues that you need to address. :/ I can't imagine being mad at my boyfriend for reading, writing, or watching something sexual. We have our private time and our together time, and that applies to sex as well. ^^

 

[Minibit]

If your partner has expressed discomfort about it - no

If you feel guilty or like you need to hide it - no

If it's just creative writing and you're both ok with it then I think it's fine. If you think of it as cyber sex, that's another issue

But asking someone not to read or write erotic stories because it might turn them on a little is like asking them not to watch or read porn; it's healthy, it's normal, and personally I think it'd be a bit clingy of someone to be jealous of a fictional character.

Again, it's different if you see it as an erotic act with another person, rather than just creating an erotic story


Tldr; if you feel guilty about it or are hiding it, then you need to talk to your partner about it. If your partner is uncomfortable with it, either come to a compromise or quit it. Other than that? Give 'er

 

[Mid]

Ohgod, this brings me back to my modding days on another forum. It was one of the most frustrating things to deal with as a mod, people who felt their partner interacting with another user even with subtle romances was considered a cheater. I had one girl who hacked her boyfriend's account and demanded I delete his account because she didn't trust him and did not want him involved in roleplaying anymore.

Personally, I don't care. Do what you will, it's all just writing to me. I'm no one's babysitter and I'm not interested in controlling my partner's every move because I believe that leads to cheating in person or emotionally.

 

[Kitti]

My opinion is that there's no one-size-fits-all. It's all about the people in the relationship. Even if they're self-insert porn material, maybe that makes the other person in the relationship happy. Communication and all that!

In my personal opinion, as long as it's something entirely role-play based and willingly (enthusiastically?) shared for my reading, then I don't see a big problem with it.

 

[Ophelia]

My girlfriend and I have had this discussion. She's nowhere near as geeky as me so she doesn't understand / have interest in RPs, but she thinks it's kinda cute that I like it. She asked me not to RP sexual stuff online which is 100% fine by me. I'd probably want the same thing if my gf was on forums. It would make me uncomfortable.

 

[Melpothalia]

My fiance couldn't care less about what I do when I roleplay since it's just fiction. He also doesn't care when I receive or create smutty art from others either since that's just fiction as well.

The only way I could see my partner getting angry at what I do in RP is if roleplaying were to start to seep into my real life, and that should never happen.

If your partner does care about what you do in RP then you really should step back and take a look at who you're dating. They may have a problem with telling fantasy from reality.

 

[Villamvihar]

I do not really play mature RPs, but at the same time, I do not think it is something that one should be afraid of or something that can compromise a relationship. However, one must keep a strong barrier between in character and out of character actions at all times, becuase one should not affect the other. I think that whenever one has problems with roleplaying, it nearly always comes from the fact that people identify the character as the person who is roleplaying said character, even if that is not true. As soon as the lines get blurred, as soon as the distance that a player puts between themselves and their characters is gone, that is when things start warping and becoming a black hole.

 

[Fijoli]

I just want to put this out there, I enjoy my "me" time as much as the next person.
I used to think "I don't want a clingy person, If they are jealous they have issues"

this is not the case. and I was very very very wrong.

when someone is jealous it DOES NOT make them CLINGY...

it means they have feelings and they are drowning is a sea of people who do not think the way they do, people who are disconnected and can just do whatever they want without any consequences and that leaves people feeling betrayed and hurt. This occurs in RL everyday, all the time. There are people in this community that feel the same way I do.

these are not just FICTIONAL characters. "WE" stand behind these characters and "ROLE PLAY"

think about what those words mean for a second.

YOU ARE PLAYING A ROLE.

I'm only saying this because by saying something so negative about how some of us can get jealous over these things, there are people here in this community who feel that way and they deserve for their side to be heard too.

Role playing is about pretending to be something else, Collaborative writing is the words we should be using.


I just feel like this word "clingy" is getting thrown around too much. I wouldn't like October sex rping with anyone, he is mine! it doesn't make me clingy or jealous. it makes me territorial.

and there isn't a damn thing wrong with it

Please don't get me wrong. I don't think that everyone should follow my way of life but please don't throw the word 'clingy' and 'jealous' around because something you do might possibly upset another person and not just any person, someone you choose to be with. I have my opinion of the other side and you don't see me putting them down.

it might be a good idea for all Collaborative writers today to makes sure their partners know what it all means and square it away before any relationship even starts, saving everyone the hassle.


I'm A simple gal, and when I am in a relationship, all sex related activities are for my partner only.

but, hey man....that's like... just my opinion.

Just...for the love of god...COMMUNICATION people.

XD

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[Lady Sabine]

While I understand the point you're making, @Fijoli, I do respectfully disagree with two points.

1. That Role-Playing means that the player is assuming a role. In my experience a minority of RPs on Iwaku really fit this description. Collaborative writing would probably be more clear and to the point, but that's just not the name we use for it. I, for one, never feel like I am stepping into the role of my character as a person at any point. It's just writing for me. From some of the replies I've seen on this thread, I'd say there are lots of people like me.

2. That being territorial is a sign of a healthy relationship. Now, I'm not saying that it automatically makes a relationship unhealthy, but that's a super major huge red flag for abuse. This site lists it as the very first thing to watch out for. http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/warning_signs.html
Those reports that say that the average man thinks of sex every seven seconds are probably exaggerated. Fact is, though, people of both sexes think about sex A LOT. We're biologically programmed to. I know you said activities, not thoughts, but it's kind of like expecting a partner to share every meal with you, or at least let you know what they're eating and never eat with anyone else ever. It's just a bit... overbearing. You think it's fine to want to "reserve" parts of your partner for yourself; I think that there is no part of a human being we should completely sign over to another. I'm not saying I'm right or you're wrong, but I don't think I'm in the minority when I say I find that off-putting. The very statement "person is mine" just makes my skin crawl. Territoriality, possessiveness... I don't know, I guess it just doesn't jive with my personality type.
Every person is different and every relationship is different. I hesitate to say, though, that all are created equal. Possessiveness and, sorry to use this word, clinginess might not be the problem, but they are enormous reflective roadsigns that a problem may be in store.
I hope I haven't hurt any feelings or stepped on any toes, but I feel this is a pretty important issue. It might be just a personality type with you, but for another person it may be a sign of abuse. Emotional abuse is abuse too, and it can occur in any relationship, with men or women, to men or women. Possessiveness and jealousy are the figurative sheep's clothing. Maybe the person is a wolf and maybe they aren't, but just having that in your wardrobe is a bit scary to certain people.