Mature- Advice, please..

[PureKor]

Hello everyone.

It's been an while since I have role played on the forum, purely because I have some personal issues right now.

I wold like some advice of possible, serious and not taking the piss or anything like that. If possible.

I'll try briefly to explain how the situation is right now in my life;

I met this guy 3-4 months ago, we clicked on various fields and such. He has helped me along with my current job, supporting me and such thing.
The problem is :

I begin to have feelings towards him, as after these months he decides to tell me that " I cannot commit to one person as I lie my freedom etc ".
I was a bit in shock today when he said this.. As I cried myself while drinking red wine and listening to shitty music tonight. My eyes are Swollen right now..


I simply don't know what to do with my feelings, as he said we are just good friends, he cares about me and all that BS .. But he cannot commit.
The other side of it is the fact of .. I need him in another way, ( as for a place to live so I have to live with me and such, which I really am comfortable with as I see many sides of him )
But I think I fucking care to much but he simply just toys with my emotions and I don't know what to do with my feelings..
Why I have to start to have these emotions towards him, even when I knew - half- that he won't just commit to me ? It really hurts..

Someone, tell me something or I feel like I I'll go Insane.>:(

 

[York]

Well... I guess we're stuck in similar situations... Well sorta o.o Personally what I think is as much as it hurts, either try and maybe convince him otherwise or if all else fails and it comes to it... Move on. XS Though I do actually admire your courage in coming out with something like that o.o (Still have yet to build up the courage to even ask the person I seem to have feelings for about her own feelings, let alone even have the chance since she seems to be doing alright with someone else... But that's for another time) Keep tanking it, and do your best to ammend the situation I guess, since I'm not exactly experienced in that sort of thing I can't do too much, sorry! X.X

 

[Kitty]

If he doesn't like you in that way you must respect it. There is nothing wrong with you, he simply isn't ready for a relationship which is a very mature thing for him to say, rather than to date you and actually toy with your emotions. You must respect him, his boundaries, and personal space and always remember that no matter how much you are nice to him, or if you end up sleeping with him, it's very possible and probable that his mind will not change. Do not bother trying everything to "convince" someone, after all if you want to be with someone forever, it's a very long and dreadful time to hide your true identity.

Healthy relationships are hard! Harder than people sometimes realize. The reason is because more often then not, people aren't even healthy on their own. Coupling it with a person you have two people with problems doubled and sometimes that means blame is cast instead of equally shared. I recommend chilling out about it, and thinking to yourself rationally (when you are sober is probably the best time for this) about things. Do what makes you feel good, art, music, watch a baseball game, whatever type of girl you are do what makes you happy. Then sit down with yourself, think of all the things that is worse than being single. Think of serious things at first to help you take you out of your funk. (Being a murdered, being abusive) then start to think of funny things (being born with your balls in your eye sockets) .Take a long bubble bath, or a hot shower. Look at your body naked in the mirror. What do you like? You, not him. Because your life is about you. Think about your personality, what do you like? If you've said nothing to both answers then it's time to look into therapy. Think about things you need to work on as a person, and instead of hating yourself for it, actually do it. Help yourself. Give yourself treats when you do good instead of yelling at yourself when you do bad.

After my first long relationship I had a long time where I was depressed, but I knew the relationship was already dysfunctional, and neither of us were happy. After some therapy and a few years of sadness, I decided to date myself. Which is actually strangely fun and extremely insightful. I went on dates alone, and I tried new things. I had simple conversations in my mind, what do I like to do? What movies do I really like? What's my guilty pleasure? I hiked to the top of a mountain and saw the beautiful views, and I enjoyed it on my own. I realized that being happy can include people, but you do not need people for it. Being happy on your own is great! Being happy with people is extra great! Being sad on your own is bad. Being sad with other people is worse. Everyone does it differently, and I simply didn't care at that point wether people found it weird or not. (Plus I got to use the excuse I was going on a date instead of doing something boring like family dinners!)

I guess the complete point I'm trying to get to here is it sounds like you are really sad, and I think you need to get to a point where you are happy. A relationship is not a need, it is something that should be relaxed and decided upon carefully. And it hasn't been, so you need to get yourself together, spend some "me time" and realize being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Focus on you.

 

[Kestrel]

I'm the kinda guy who likes freedom, so I'm gonna tell a story. Maybe that'll help put a perspective on things.

It started when I was nineteen and I wanted to travel. This was something very important to me, because at that time, life was all "You're going to do this, you're going to be that, etc." To me, this constant tendency for everyone to live more in the future rather than the present and pushing that mentality on their environment was driving me insane. I had to do something about it, and that something apparently was to buy a plane ticket for the other side of the world and then spend a year doing something I was trying to avoid calling it 'soul-searching' because that has always sounded super-lame to me, but totally classified as soul-searching nonetheless.

My girlfriend back then, on the other hand, was finishing her studies, had a job offer at the ready and wanted to move in together. Now she was telling this to a guy who had made some major mistakes choosing his major, dealt with a mild identity crisis and was just tired of feeling locked up and bounced about in the figurative cage he'd made for himself based on the expectations of others. tl;dr, we had different perspectives.

When it came to discussing this, I initially had no intention of breaking off the relationship. I mean, we could do long distance for a while I figured, or she could come with me. She didn't agree with either option. She wanted me to live with her, not especially start a family just yet we were 19 and 21 and the sudden removal of alcohol in our lives because of pregnancy would require a miracle and a rehabilitation clinic but a more steady life together. It was to her, the natural evolution of our relationship. With the additional treat she would support me financially. She also wanted to take that job offer really bad. So in the end I had to make a choice. Relationship or travel. I choose the latter.

I learned a lot about myself that year. Who I was when everything I knew was stripped away from me, how to stand on my own two feet, what I was like if all boundaries were removed, oh and how to cook (no seriously). I wouldn't have become the person I am today weren't it for my backpacking hippie adventures, even less have the ability to put it into words. I don't regret the choice I made. I couldn't have grown and learned like I chose what my ex wanted over what I did. However, this ex and I don't even talk anymore. Ever.

Now I'm sure you're not nineteen, and I'm sure the guy doesn't plan to pack his bags and fly off to wherever by next week, but the point is that sometimes people aren't at a point in their lives where they feel they should be in a relationship. Heck, maybe they'll never be. They end up feeling trapped if they don't make enough of their own decisions. Unhappy guys make shitty boyfriends. It doesn't mean they won't change (though don't force or wait for someone who isn't ready because I swear that will hit you in the face) but it does mean that until then someone like you will unfortunately be forced to accept the way these people are. If you don't, they will push you away. I know, because I'm one of these people.

 

[Disgruntled Goat]

You sound unhappy.

No-one deserves to be unhappy. If this guy is making you unhappy then you've got to sort things out for yourself. If he's supporting you, then that means you're dependent on him, and that's a sticking point for now because you can't just break away. I know you can't turn those kinds of feelings off, either, so you're stuck with him and you're stuck with your feelings.

It doesn't sound to me like he's a bad guy, and he gets points for openly telling you that he won't commit. He's made his stance clear, and it's up to you how you deal with that. You could try an open relationship with him, but I'd advise against it because I think your feelings might cause problems. All I can suggest is that you respect his wishes and try to look at what you have, not what you don't have. You've got a friend, that's supporting you, and from what you've said, he's got enough class to be honest with you. People like that don't just grow on trees, and you're running the risk of throwing that friendship away by trying to push the matter. If you can't accept that this is it, then you probably need to get away from him and start over. If you think you can accept it, then just try to ignore your feelings and push past them, looking at the good stuff, and maybe they'll slow down eventually. I'm one of those guys that almost always ends up crushing on friends, especially friends that have been there when I've needed them, and over time, those feelings do subside, especially when you know that they're not going to develop. The worst ones are where they don't tell you that, and you end up hoping that something might happen. The hope is what really gets you down.

Despite that, you also said the guy was toying with your emotions, although you didn't really explain it. If he actually is doing that, then fuck everything I've just said because he's clearly self-interested and not someone you should want to be with. I mean, if he's already playing you like a fiddle, do you really think it's ever going to get any better? Imagine being married to a guy that toys with you, it's not a good scenario to play out. If he's really messing you about like that then get away from him before it gets any worse and you end up doing something you'll really regret. /:

 

[PureKor]

I appreciate all the answers that everyone has given me so far.. Really.

I want to explain about the toying part though: it's just a view as I see it( from my point of view that is ) ~>

I said that.. Because, just for a moment there I thought I could be different to Him and not like any other - girlfriends- that he had in the past. He told me some stuff at the beginning and then later on, he said something different ( I can't commit to only one girl, I want my privacy and you need it to.- meaning myself -)

Honestly .. I do respect that. A LOT. It's still a bit harsh for myself because I have ever - never - been in this type of relationship let's call it.. When I have to keep my feelings to myself and such. Except the Physical part which is involved.
Then, last night- well at 3am- we kind of talked.. And he said " yes you are a very good girl, you're not like the others.. You deserve a better life. I respect you and I want you to succeed. Also, we are - Good friends.- "
His exact words. So yeah.. In the end, my feelings/ emotions are going down to the Bin sector and I guess I have to suck it up and like many of you have said already.. Just have to accept this, rather than loose him in either way and if - IF- down the line sometimes, things will change, I would be grateful to God for that.
In either case.. I Said to him that I want to be part of his life ..:)

The only bad thing, as I think, is the fact that.. We are having physical contact and that kind of makes me think of the fact that I will end up doing this for a long time as I will have to COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN my emotions and be a - bitch- kind of and just don't put emotions in anything anymore, because I'll end up hurting myself.. Over and over again.

As I said plenty times.. All the men into my eyes, are the same.
End of story.. ( small exceptions which I haven't met just yet )

 

[Brovo]

Your emotions are the vessel that fuels your life. I think it was best explained to me by a friend. "Love is happiness shared. If you have no happiness of your own, then you will only inadvertantly drain on the one you want to share with. Find your own happiness, and then, only then, can you revel in love with someone who feels the same way."

You are your own bringer of pleasure and pain. Find your own way, and soon enough, statistically speaking, one out of the three and a half billion men out there will connect with you.

As for this guy, he cares enough to be honest, and still be your friend even while you are going through this emotional crisis about him. That says... Immensely good things about him. Still, for your own mental health, try to find an opportunity to move out, and definitely find ways to fulfill yourself without him.

 

[PureKor]

That makes sense somehow.. >_>

I just wish I hadn't fallen for him like this, unexpectedly etc. But I guess it's to late for that now. As who knows?
Maybe- just maybe- one day, he will see in me what I see in him. I know, that this will haunt me for a long time from this point. And even if I will get busy working and do other things that will eventually make me happy..
At the back of my mind, I will always think about him. Even if, he may not think of me in that way.

I guess in the end.. Is just simply a commitment issue that guys hVe trouble with doing it..

 

[Sukisho]

I guess in the end.. Is just simply a commitment issue that guys hVe trouble with doing it..

I may not have the best advice in this situation, but it is clear that you are trying to blame your problems on him, when the cause of these problems is YOU.

Then, last night- well at 3am- we kind of talked.. And he said " yes you are a very good girl, you're not like the others.. You deserve a better life. I respect you and I want you to succeed. Also, we are - Good friends.- "

This guy was honest with you. He didn't want to lead you on or toy with your emotions. That shows that he cares about you, and he doesn't want to hurt you by letting you think there is a chance of an 'exclusive' relationship working when there is not one. He sounds like a good a friend and one that can be a lifelong friend if you do not burn the bridges you have with him over feelings.

Story time: I had the biggest crush on one of my best friend's in high school. I finally admitted my feelings to him and he shut me down hard. I was hurt, but he was a great friend. Over time, even though I still had romantic feelings for him, those feelings began to mellow out. I went to his little brother's competitions, I watched him play his bass, went driving with him, or hung out and played video games together. We don't get to talk as much now, but I still consider this guy one of my best friends.

So you have a chance here to keep this person close to you, and keep a real friend that cares about you and your success.

FINALLY:

The only bad thing, as I think, is the fact that.. We are having physical contact

This should stop. I don't know what you consider "physical contact" but it is clear that you can't separate the physical from the emotional. Depending on how "physical" things are, you might even want to talk to the guy about the situation. Explain that you respect that he doesn't want a relationship, but you have come to realize that you can't be physical with him and not have romantic feelings. Whether you talk to him or not, if this is upsetting you that much, the physical contact need to stop.

 

[Brovo]

We men can fall just as hard. I should know, I am one. As for love... Well, life doesn't play fair.

Just realize that life goes on, and you will too, no matter how much it hurts right now.

As for happiness, think of it this way. If you don't have something, how can you give it? If you don't love yourself and care about yourself, if you can't find happiness in your life, you can't share that with anyone. So before you can share happiness, you need to find it first.

Anyway, regardless I know this isn't easy, so good luck to you. I will be around if you need an ear, or some advice.

Oh, and do what Sukisho said about physical contact. What you need is less of him right now, not more.

 

[daemon_reaver]

Well here's my two cents on the matter. I may not be as eloquent as the others here but here goes: As a guy i can say this about my gender. We can be utter morons with our love lives. mostly it's noticing those who do have a crush and chasing the impossible ones (seems to be my problem) when those who have feelings for us are right in front of our faces. His sounds more of a fear of commitment, but he still seems like a good guy, he told you about it after all. So my advice is to keep your options open but if you really strong for him then possibly stick around awhile. see if he moves past that fear of commitment and be on the other end when he does. he may just fall for you aswell.

 

[PureKor]

I am pleased of the fact that Guys as well are expressing their opinion on this matter.. It does some difference to know how the Guys think or feel from this starting point, throughout my story.

As for myself, did Decided anyways that I WILL stay, purely because :
A. He is a very Good and caring person who has helped me and still Is currently and I cannot thank him enough or that.
B. I also realised that I just can't throw my feelings away at the snap of the fingers.. It's not that easy.
C. I want to stick around anyways.. As I respect him and I know he respects me as well( said a few times that he wants to give me the life I deserve, he does not want to make me cry - instead to make me smile and to be happy ) - as part of this .. Is me being around him one way or another.

Maybe I am being selfish -because I had some expectations when there was no room or need for them to begin with. : )
I want to be part of his life.. As I need to sort some little things about Mine as well, and if this type of relationship continues with him- meaning no strings or Long term commitments - then I accept that.
I simply want to be a mature woman in all this and stop acting childish over this.

I know myself that I can be overwhelming sometimes and emotional( as I cry >_> ) pretty lame huh ? - but!
I know that these type of feelings won't wash away so easy, so.. I really want to Still be part of his life as he is allowing me to do so, with our strange " friendship" let's say, have a laugh, cooking and going out and do some normal stuff as we did til now..
I don't want to change that just because the other part of me wants a commitement. I know as well, that I am not ready for one myself.^^'
However, as the situation is right now .. I don't want to become awkward and things like that.

I .. Just want for him to be Happy as well. I really do.
As I want to be around and part of his for as long as I can Be..