Making More Changes

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by chainedfiction, Mar 27, 2015.

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  1. I just want to share this with everyone, just because I want to. It may or may not make sense- Apologies for that. This is simply an extensive log of what has happened fairly recently- the major things.

    Yesterday I took my math placement test. I had a hard time remembering how to do most of the problems, except the last week I'd been exploding, understanding and doing the math without help. Tutoring was alright. I was understanding, I just had a hard time focusing. I didn't think much of the test the day before. I didn't think about how well I thought I was going to do or how bad I was going to do. I even skimmed some of the problems and spent a few seconds trying to reconnect my brain to the process of factoring and linear equations. Then the test came.

    I felt nothing. I didn't feel anything until I actually started the test. Suddenly my mind was blank. I had no clue what I was doing the majority of the problems and had forgotten most of the stuff that I'd learned just for that day. I attempted every problem. I did what I could, even if I knew the way I was doing it was wrong, because I just knew. So, after I submitted the test, I was scared- my hands were shaking, I didn't want to see my score- I was afraid that I'd gotten a terrible score. It was lower than last time, which brought down my spirits like "I knew this was going to happen. I forgot everything and this is was what I got in return."

    So I turned in my scratch paper and my teacher collected it and asked if my score had risen. I told her dejectedly, "No, it's lower than last time." Then I left without another word, eyes brimming with tears, and she let me go. It was hard to face such a reality. I could've done it, but I didn't get the result I wanted. I kept to myself, sad and feeling helpless, hopeless, lonely. I didn't want to take part in anything my last class was doing. I just wasn't in the mood.

    It felt like my hard work had been thrown away. Like, why can't it just stick to my brain so I can do better?

    Today, my teacher told me that my math teacher wanted to talk to me. She told me that she'd observed the way I'd walked out, my actions, and let me know that she's proud of me and not disappointed in me, but disappointed for me. There must've been something else in the way because she'd seen me flying sky high with being able to correctly do the questions I'd done before, and suddenly, I couldn't remember them. I told her a little, that it was my mental health. She told me I should go see someone who can help, I explained that I was going to see a psychologist and she made the notion that she wanted my express permission to contact a learning assessment center.

    I gave her my full permission to do so.

    Today, I went to my counselor. I told her about my math teacher being observant and believing that there was something deeper, something more important going on that could possibly be leading to test anxiety and forgetting important things. My counselor acknowledged my words, talked to me a little, and then we came to the talk of socializing. I told her how I am around people, that I can't just walk up to someone and say hey, how are you, that I need someone to show me to another, some way I can engage without doing it alone. I haven't had any friends for a while now. My last friend in my high school alone didn't care about friendship, ditched me, and made me feel unwanted, therefore, I stopped seeing her, stopped talking to her. Life went on.

    I still don't have friends. I thought I'd have friends, especially one from the beginning, the one I'd met trying to figure out what room in the building we were supposed to go to. We introduced herselves, me going first. I had to say something. I did. Well, the start of that friendship quickly faded away and got nowhere near friends. She began hanging out with someone else I met, making me feel left out and like the third wheel. Then there was the day of my realization. Someone else in the classroom was kind enough to state that if I ever wanted someone to talk to, she was always there for me. That made me feel good afterwards, but when my "friend" whom I'd met prior to becoming part of collegiate high school, came and sat in front of me, I had this expectation that she would ask me what's wrong, do I want to talk about it, am I alright, but no.

    She did the complete opposite. She ignored it. Simple as that. That hurt and I just... I couldn't believe it. She saw my face, she knew something was wrong, but she didn't care. When you see red puffy eyes and a sorrow facial expression, what do you do if you're their friend? Do you ignore your friend, thinking they'll get over it some time soon? What if it was you? If she didn't look right, if she looked sad, I'd ask her right away if everything was alright, that if she needed someone to talk to, she could come to me. So her ignorance hurt very much, considering I'd thought we'd become great friends. Carrying on, to socialize, I hung out with people who were completely opposite of me in that they smoked, did drugs, and skipped class.

    I didn't condone any of their actions, nor did I speak out against it. Most days I'd be there, sitting and doing my own thing. If someone asked me a question, if I heard my name, if someone beckoned me over to sit next to them so we could talk, I did it all. The thing was, I wasn't exactly with the group, and thank God I wasn't, you know? I didn't do the sort of things they did, I didn't make the bad choices they did. It was just nice to laugh and have fun whenever I could. I'd been told a few times that I didn't need to go to class- I always immediately spoke the truth, the right thing to do: "I need to go to class. It's important."

    And so I went, every single time.

    Weeks passed and within the last week or so, I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be around these people. They aren't good for me. No matter how "hard" it seemed, in that I had to build new relationships and carry on. I honestly could care less about how "hard" it seemed to leave them. More loneliness. Even though I was feeling lonely, it was better than staying with people who had a bad influence on me. My counselor told me that I'd made a good choice, being aware of my surroundings and my needs, being able to articulate how important relationships were to me. She encouraged me to not give up, to keep doing what I was doing, and if I ever wanted to stop by and talk a little about how my day went, her door was always wide open.

    I left my counselor today happy and proud of myself. It felt genuine.
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  2. It's uplifting to hear that you are taking steps in a direction which will help provide the things that you need and indeed deserve in life. While I cannot say that I know exactly what you're going through, I have dealt with abandonment issues which made me feel apart from those who had otherwise been my friends. I do hope to continue to hear about your progress, socially, academically and personally. Life is a bit of a puzzle, but so long as you're able to hold your head high, reflect upon yourself, your struggles and your triumphs, there's nothing that you can't manage. Heck, you might even knock out that next math test without a sweat (not to downplay test anxiety).

    All of the power and positive vibes to you!
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  3. That's so awesome!! I'm proud of you. <3
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  4. Thank you sweetie~ <3
  5. I know that feel about friends. I'm still not much for just barging in and introducing myself. I tend to go for long stretches of time without any real friends. It helps that I've always got my brother though.

    But yeah, good for you making the right decision there. I've had friends that weren't all that good just like that, and I made up my mind to leave them behind too.
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  6. I'm glad that you were able to find a sense of happiness that comes from yourself and not others. <3

    That's a very good thing to have in life and I only wish I was able to figure that out when I was still a teenager.

    And yea, keep working on that Math, ask the teacher for help, get extra assistance if needed and you should do fine. :)
    Though to give a bit of advice to avoid falling into the same trap I did, try to solve the math the way the teacher teaches rather than developing your own method.
    I had created my own method which served me well... until Grade 10. At that point forward grades slipped because I didn't learn skills they expected me to have.
    So yea, try to learn it the way they're specifically teaching it. It might seem silly at the moment to do it that way, but it's important to prepare you for the later grades.

    Also, glad to see you're taking school seriously too. :P
    Not that many people had that insight when I went, keep it up and you should have many doors open for you once you graduate. :)

    Good luck.

    And like that one person at school offered, if you're feeling down again and need to talk about it my inbox is always open.
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