Love, Heartbreak, and one huge mistake.

Squee

I'm one of those "details and implications" guys.
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Medieval Fantasy. Or pirates. Pirates are always good. When it comes to reading, however, a good steampunk is always great. Above all, however, I would definitely have to say my favorite is Dark Fantasy.
2 years ago I broke up with what could have and probably should have been the love of my life. I'll try to give the big picture...

We met when I was in high school. I was 17, dating this other girl. That relationship was one I liked, we were together for a year until she cheated on me and left me on my birthday. Through that hard time, my friend was there for me. We lived close by so if I ever felt lonely I would go to see her. Before we were dating we'd hold hands, both playfully saying it was platonic. But we both knew it wasn't. We had agreed to go to prom as friends, but we both knew we wanted more. We just didn't want to say anything. But young love is hard to fight, so one night we kissed. That was when we made it official. I was happy as I could have ever been. We went to prom as boyfriend and girlfriend. We graduated together. This was one of the best times of my life.

But after high school, my parents moved out of state. They invited me to go with them, but I chose not to, so I found a place on my own. She went to college in a town that was a little far for us to see eachother. But we decided to try to make long distance work. We used Skype to video chat and she'd come to see her parents every other weekend, and I was close to them so we would see eachother then, too. This was a little hard because I was working a job I hated and she was so far away. But summer came, so she came home and finally I was with her every day again. I loved it. Things weren't always amazing, every relationship had ups and downs, but we were happy together. I hated my job. So I quit and moved up to the town in which she was attending college.

It was pretty hard to find a job and I had a problem with gaming, it was all I ever did. This put a huge strain on our relationship, but I did my best to take responsibility for my actions. It took longer than it should have, but I got my job. We decided to move to a new apartment because our current living situation was less than ideal, but the choice we made in the end was a little worse. The neighbors were loud and verbally abusive towards their kids, mice were in the walls, and there turned out to be bed bugs in the apartment that our landlord refused to recognize. I wasn't happy, and I let that weigh heavily on the relationship, which was foolish.

So with our living conditions having me upset, I went to a party with a co-worker. We kissed. That's all we did, but I knew it was wrong. I had to tell my girlfriend, we were together for 5 and a half years. She needed to know. So I told her the next morning. It was the worst I'd ever felt in a long time. The guilt paired with a brutal hangover. Pretty sure the guilt was the part that made me feel the worst. We wanted to work on the relationship, but in that apartment I was miserable, so I carried that misery into the relationship. I was an idiot. 2 months after I kissed that other girl I broke up with my girlfriend. At the time I thought it was the right decision. I was a fool.

A few months later the girl I kissed and I are talking. We hook up. We decide to get serious. But in truth, I didn't really want that. I felt like I had to. If I were to date her seriously then the mistake I made was one I made for my feelings of love, not my negative feelings from home. That was my justification, but that's not how life works. I was with this girl for a year and a half, but it was terrible. She neglected my emotional needs, she always picked something else before me, and that thing usually being either weed or alcohol. I never restricted her freedom but if I ever said I wanted to take the relationship further she'd go on about not wanting to be tied down. But I wanted something that would last forever. Something I came to realize I could have had.

I'm single now, but I think about my highschool sweetheart a lot. I talked to her very recently. I told her that breaking up with her was a huge mistake. She was always nice, kind, forgiving, and overall amazing to me. I was an asshole a lot of the time and generally just a shitty boyfriend once we moved in together. I should have been a better person, and two years later I find myself praying for a second chance. But she has moved on. She's not seeing anyone but I asked her if she'd want to meet up and chat sometime. While she has forgiven me and does not hate me, she doesn't think that's a good idea, and I can'd say I'm surprised or angry. I was wrong and I did something terrible and even though she was willing to forgive me I still threw it all away.

Now I sit here, wishing I hadn't done any of that. Having wasted over a year with someone who wouldn't even give me a date. Praying to a god I don't believe in for a second chance. But I know I won't get that second chance. I know I need to move on. I know I have to learn from this mistake and put it behind me. But with a mistake so huge, how do I do it? I lay awake at night wondering why I had to be so bad to someone that was so amazing. I sit down thinking about all the amazing memories we have. I can't help but feel terrible, but I don't want to anymore. I want to be happy again. I have trouble dealing with the fact that I threw away what could have been the best thing to ever happen to me over something so small and easy to overcome if I had only tried.
 
It's hard to do, but you have to remind yourself you cannot change the past. You can use what you have experienced so far to be a better person for future relationships. You can use this time while you're single to further work on yourself.

If it makes you feel any better, there are several reasons why 2 people who love eachother still won't work anyway. There are many "deal breaker" problems out there that cannot really be compromised on. For example, if one person wants kids, but the other person doesn't. Or one person wants to live in a specific place, but the other person can't live there because they can't advance their career there. Things of that nature. Even if those people love eachother, priorities are different and the relationship wouldn't work unless one person sacrificed a lot, which can bring on resentment.

I know it's a tired line, but there's plenty of fish in the sea. You will find another person who is just as good, if not better, than the first girlfriend. Or maybe you're not the type of person who should be in a relationship - there's nothing wrong with being permanently single either (if that's what you want).

Overall, just use everything up to this point as the data set to help improve yourself and be the best person you can be for now and the future.
 
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This is possibly the most honest thing I have ever read. It seems to me that you are in a good place now. The things you have come to realize and accept as truth about your own behavior and the part it played in not only your own unhappiness, but the unhappiness of your partner are the beginning of moving on and finding happiness again. It's not easy. I had to do so after 23 years of marriage and I was terrified of making another mistake. I tried not to superimpose my ex's sins onto every man I met, but I found myself watching for tell tale signs of infidelity, or double talk. It took me a few years to realize how stupid that was, and that I needed to find me again before I allowed myself to become part of a wee again.

The thing about losing someone you value, is that as you remember them only the good stuff comes to mind. No one is perfect, and no there will never be another person like her, because we are all unique creatures. Still, there are amazing people in the world. You just have to be happy with you, so you can make someone else happy. There's nothing more attractive than someone who is content and happy.

I am a hopeful romantic and reading the above I think your chances of a second chance are likely. Maybe not with your high school sweetheart, but with someone entirely new who will have the benefit of all this personal discovery and enlightenment. If you find someone that makes your heart smile, remember to be that better man who fights for her. (We love that...)

Hugs~ ( NO one ever gets enough of them)
 
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When you can't change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself. If you want to find a love worth having. Then you have to make yourself worth having. Not just for someone else. But for yourself. You have to accept and love yourself before you can love someone else. If you're a better person, than someone better will come along. But it's something you have to work at through patience and understanding your mistakes.

Fear is what drives us down into the dark parts of our minds. It makes us think we're not worthy of love or of anything better. That this is all our life will be.

Tell hell with that. Even if it's something tiny. Improve yourself. Take some lessons in something new. Do something you've never done before. Meet people you've never met. Find your better self. It's not just inside you, it's out in the world.

Edit: Also, you're not the first person to fall madly in love with their high school crush. I know that pain. Though it was after high school for me. Everything seems more intense when you're that young though.
 
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