Lost and Confused: Friendship Troubles

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Hatsune Candy, Apr 9, 2015.

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  1. If there's one thing I hate more than anything else, it's feeling like a burden to others on any way, shape, or form; and that's exactly what I feel like right now in my current situation. To put it very simply, I have but one friend, a friend whom him and I are as close as can be, or as least were. So I made a mistake many months ago, waaay back in the beginning of last year even, and it pissed him off; perhaps a little more than it ought to have, but I don't blame him. However, given how much time has pass, one would think he's calmed down by now, and seeing how he's willing to talk and hang out again, it would be safe for me to assume as much.

    Except apparently that's not the case, because just a few days ago he decide to make it explicitly clear that he still hates me. This shocked me so much that I've since been ignoring his constant message whilst I try to interpret what the hell is going through his thick skull right now. First off, why? If he really does still hate me like he claims, why has he decided to start talking to me again? Not that I'm complaining, I'm just glad to not be totally alone anymore, but it just doesn't feel right hang out with someone fully knowing the animosity they have towards me. He put it as "tolerating me" which doesn't make much sense to me given the circumstances, but that still begs the question as to why he's doing so. What's his incentive? Does he pity me because he knows I lack friends? Does he feel bad for being so mean to me, but is too proud to admit it? No no, those wouldn't make any sense. So what could it be? I don't understand!

    Also, I need to clarify that it's him who is constantly trying to contact me, and like always, he's the one who initiates the conversations. He even came to me and said that he'd be willing to talk again, long after I had given up trying to reason with him. None of which makes much sense if he really is just tolerating me and only proceeds to confuse me even more. I've always had trouble trying to understand this guy's feelings, he's never been very good at expression (kinda like me), but this is just ridiculous. I honestly don't know what to, that's why I'm here asking for help.
     
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  2. This sounds like more drama that it needs to be. Why does he keep making this more difficult than it needs to be? Wanting to be friends with you is a binary question: Yes or No. There are grays once you answer that question, but wanting to hang out with you, be buddies even, and then go so far as to tell you he hates you is... Uh... That's kind of mental, to be honest. It sounds like games are being played.

    You need to ask yourself if you even want to remain friends with this person. You also need to realize that nothing is wrong with having a few friends. Remember: when it comes to friendships, it's not quantity, but quality. If you have 100 friends and not one of them would be willing to drive an hour across town to pick you up from a sketchy neighborhood, is that a real friendship? On the flipside, you have 2 friends, but both are going to carpool to come get you? Yeah, I'd make that trade in a heart-beat.

    So, get rid of the drama, is what I'm saying. Life is too short and complicated enough than to have some bullshit of an old friend trying to start shit with you. Be forth-coming with him, be direct, and deal with this like Alexander and the Gordian Knot.
     
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  3. Maybe he hates you, but he also has no one else to talk to? Everyone gets lonely every once in a while, and he may be emotionally relying on you to give him a feeling that someone is out there. It's like texting an ex you hate yet miss when you're drunk. Like he hates you, but he feels like he has no one else that cares or wants to listen to him.

    Either way, it sounds a bit like a toxic relationship on both ends. He's forcing himself to talk to you despite your 'mistake' a few months back and you're forcing yourself to talk to him since you want to keep your old friendship.

    Either the mistake needs to be rectified for once and for all so both of you can move on without resentment, or both of you need to move on and find new friends. I know that's easier said than done, but either way y'all need to move on in one way or another. Otherwise you're going to be stuck in that toxic relationship until one of y'all snaps.

    I'm just curious what kind of mistake made him so bitter to be honest.
     
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  4. I can't just drop him just like that, he's the best friend I've ever had and I love hanging out with him. The chemistry between us is remarkable, well, I mean, it used to be. I've know him for over three years, drama like this is not uncommon between us, he's done terrible things to me and I've done other terrible things to him, there was even a love triangle once. But that stuff always fades away pretty fast because we're too close to let things like that get between us. This time... Not so much. I was hoping to ride this out until he forgave me, but I'm starting to doubt that'll ever happen. Maybe I wouldn't be so hesitant to drop him as a friend if I actually had some friends to fall back on, but as it stands right now, even though he kinda hates me, he's still the best friend I have right now; which is honestly kind of sad.

    Ohhh no, believe me, he has plenty of friends to talk to that treat him much better than I ever could, yet for some reason he's willing to talk to me.

    If only it were that simple to sort things out, I've tried, heaven help me I've tried, but he just insists on holding this grudge against me. Hmm... Maybe... Maybe he's willing to talk to me now because he's realized that he can't be mad at me forever and eventually he's gonna have to forget about what I did and move on? I recall saying something like that to him at one point, I would be surprised if he actually listened, though.
     
  5. @Cowboy above has the right of it. This sounds more like a toxic friendship than anything else. You're not talking about spats and feuds, you're talking about nuclear blowups-- on the re-occurrence. "He's done terrible things to me" and vice versa is not the basis of a healthy, let alone solid, friendship. Not trying to call you out or anything, just saying that you might want to think things over. I'm not sure your mental/emotional health is worth something like that.

    Perhaps it would be better if you told us what this whole grudge is about? If you don't want to, that's fine. But my advice is to move on, if you're not willing to cut through the BS and get you both on the same page of talking straight-up and straight-forward. Stop with the whinging, stop with the fencing/dancing around the subject.
     
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  6. No no, you misunderstand, mostly because I'm terrible at explaining things. There's been 2, maybe 3 major drama events in the time that we've known each other, not including this one, so perhaps I was wrong to say it was not uncommon, it just feels like it sometimes. "He's done terrible things to me" is just poor wording on my part, not sure what I was thinking there.

    Oh, but still... Maybe you're right, I should just move on, I can almost feel it in my gut. But I'm just so hesitant because I hate being alone, I've been alone most of my life, he's really the only person in my life who truly understands me, no matter how much animosity he feels towards me and if I stop being his friend, I'll feel like I have no one I can truly, honestly, talk to anymore. Ugh! This is so hard... >_<
     
  7. I have to agree with the others, this would be easier to help out with if we knew what the mistake actually was.

    But with the information we currently possess this does sound like a toxic friendship, not a legitimate one.
    And if I'm being blunt about it, the way you've detailed that he's your 'only friend' suggests that maybe you're just clinging on because he's the only friend.
    That since there are no others to compare the friendship to, you're not seeing how toxic such a thing really is.

    However this is being said with very limited information.
    Not knowing at all what the "Terrible things" involves, what the original bad act was etc.
     
  8. Okay, okay, so for various reasons, I made an alternate account on the forum that him and I used to frequent. Things happened that I didn't intend and he ended up growing rather fond of that alt account. Since I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with such a charade, I ’killed off' that account, so to speak, leaving him to think that something terrible had happened to them (complete dick move of my part). Seven months or so later, he founds out about it and is, needless to say, really pissed. I've done everything I can to make up for it because I feel just feel absolutely terrible for doing that to him, but I don't think I ever will. I kinda wish I told him about it a lot sooner, maybe all this drama could have been avoided if I did... But it's all water under the bridge now, I've pretty much moved on, but it doesn't seem like he has, yet.
     
  9. Are you a girl? (Don't answer that question, just know the answer). Because he's kinda acting like I did, when I was grappling with my feelings for my now-girlfriend.
     


  10. If you think there's something genuine and legitimate there, by all means, pursue it. But sometimes, your gut tells you things because... Well, your gut.

    But I don't think it's safe, or even fair, to say that you're alone. Iwaku is a community after all, and I think you've met a nice handful of people here that you can at least call acquaintance. And you are seeking the counsel of the community as a whole, yeah? Why not reach out a bit farther than you have with some Iwakuans you've come to know on sight, maybe people you've come to RP with more than normal, and really stir up those friendships. Yeah?

    And feel free to PM me here at Iwaku anytime, to talk about anything. :)
     
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  11. Yyyeeeaahhh...

    That's a massive violation and beach of trust. No offense, and you already called it a dick move on your part, but the level of dick that goes to is.. Beyond Grade A Level Dick. That's Death Star, friendship-destroying levels.

    So I can now understand his disdain and his anger.

    At any rate, the above I mentioned still stands. You have friends and new friendships you can create here at Iwaku, and you can always message me anytime to talk about deeper things.

    Cheers, and good luck!
     
  12. Did he grow fond via direct interaction, misleading from you?
    Or was he more of a third party that happened to get along with the alt?
     
  13. There was a time where he was attracted to me, but there was just no way it was gonna work out. He's with someone else at this point in time. Oh, and I know you said not to answer, but no, as far as I'm currently aware, I am not a girl.

    I'm aware of this, that's why I feel so terrible, it's not like I intend to be a "Grade A Level Dick".

    Hm... Yes, I suppose I could try, I have met plently of great people on here. Although I don't really RP much at all anymore, all my passion for writing has since disspeared, so that's a good chunk of the community that I'm unlikely to ever really get the chance to interact with. The only problem is get these friendships to stick, I'm not very good at initiating conversation, I usually rely on the other person to do it for me, and as consequence most these friendships just fade away before they really even begin.

    It was bit of both.
     
  14. Ah, could have been worse, but I understand now.

    Only consolation I can really give is what my mom once told me.

    "People are like wooden posts. When you hurt them, it's like sticking a nail through them. You can apologize, pull the nail out, polish the post, and attempt to clean it up but the hole will always be there."

    It takes two to tango when it comes to any type of relationship. If he doesn't want to play ball, the friendship is dead regardless of what you do. Best you can do is take it as a learning experience and move on. Yes, nobody likes trying to reach out to make new friends, but the sooner you do that the sooner they will become your new old friends. After all, even he was a new friend at one point in time.

    I'd just give him a judicious amount of space. Sounds like he's also struggling with his feelings. You already said your piece, he has to figure out the next step for himself.

    So use the time you would normally reserve for chatting with him and use it to meet new people.

    Honestly though, I don't think you're a bad person. You made a mistake. It happens.

    Chances are, you're going to make a lot more before you are done. The key is to not let the past bog you down. There are so many people that you haven't met and so many places you haven't seen. It's way to early in the game for you to say "He is my only soulmate/friend."

    Out of the 7 billion people on earth, you've only met an insignificant amount of them. Get out more. Meet people. Have fun.

    Or if going out and having fun isn't your thing, chat on more forums and message new peeps there. A little fresh air never killed anybody though.

    The first couple of weeks will most likely suck, since it will feel like a break up. But that too will pass and you'll forget all about it and be dumb and happy again.

    And if you want to message someone to talk bout stuff, my inbox is open. I'm sure plenty of other users on here would like to chat with you as well.
     
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  15. Then I can understand the anger he has.

    Like others have said though, mistakes happen.
    And may his reason for being angry be legit or not, if he decides that he still hates you then there's not much you can do to keep it going.
    If you've sincerely apoligized for it all, and he is still bitter then that's honestly his own decision to be making.
    The best I think you could do is to find other people to befriend as well, Iwaku being a good start.
    So may he change his mind later or not, you'll still have a bigger social group of friends to communicate with.
     
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