Losing Control

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by LogicfromLogic, Jul 8, 2016.

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  1. Anger; it's a scary ass emotion but very needed. How do you express it? How do you control it?

    Today I went to the store to get dinner for a movie night with my brothers and this old guy kept staring at me. I hate it when people stare at me, especially if they look me in the eyes. I get very agitated and tend to react badly to it, but this was the very first time I scared the ever living shite outta this guy. I was ringing up and he kept on, so I turned to him and looked directly into his eyes and said, "Stop staring at me and mind yourself." My tone changed from my really happy-go-lucky guy to my rather deep and snappish 'I'm pissed' tone.

    And I have no idea where it came from. Just kind of blurted it and watched the guy scuffle out faster than his legs could carry him. I feel mildly bad about it, but it was the first time since my teen years that I lost control of my temper.
  2. When I lose my temper, I just express it very vividly towards the very person/situation. Let the cuss words and maybe fists fly. I get annoyed/irritated pretty easily sometimes and I can be rather snappy and moody which doesn't make things any better.
  3. Luckily I can just sit and swear in my office most of the time. Sometimes I pull at my hair (but that's only if it was hard on the brain) or I work out. I try to pent it up until I can safely release it. Is difficult to do.
  4. I never lose control. (At the very least, I do my very damn best not to lose control.) I have a philosophy about this, so please allow me to explain.

    Do you know what several animals and human beings have in common? Emotions, of some description. Granted, some animals appear to have less developed emotions, and the situations which trigger emotional states seem to be rather simplistic. (Ex: Your dog doesn't understand that ripping through your garbage was wrong, just that you disapprove of it for whatever reason.) That, however, doesn't put aside the one thing we don't generally have in common with animals.

    Our startling level of intelligence.

    Other animals are intelligent, but we are the indisputable champions of intelligence on this planet by sheer virtue of how incredibly rich and complex our social structures are. By our capacity and ability to express thought patterns that achieve a level of sapience that no other species has achieved. (Our brains named themselves. Think about that.) We have baser emotions like other animals--we feel anger, or sorrow, or joy--but we have the apparently unique capacity to reflexively recognize emotions as nothing more than evolved reactions to outside stimuli which trigger responses... Except, an emotion isn't intelligent: It's just a chemical or function in the brain, that compels you to one set of thoughts or another. So an emotion, no matter how powerful, is not particularly capable of combing or understand the nuances of a situation--meaning that emotions can sometimes be wrong. I shouldn't necessarily respond with extreme anger if someone is perpetuating an irritating behaviour that does me no harm: That's an oddity or quirk of mine, they are not responsible for it.

    Take, for example, the fight or flight reflex. It can be triggered by something as simple as a strange noise, or by walking into a dark room while just thinking about something scary. You can feel the fearful compulsion to run, and it can turn out to be wrong. Someone might propose an idea which you reflexively find disgusting, but later on, come a revelation that you felt incorrectly.

    Therefore, if our emotions overcome our intelligence, that's a moment where we're reverting back to our more animalistic tendencies. That's a failure.

    Now that's not to say that emotions are inferior or wrong, or that you shouldn't feel things. Emotions are chemicals in the brain, a series of reactions--that is, they are largely involuntary. In the same way that when a doctor smacks your knee with a hammer to test your reflexes, emotions too are a reflex-action of the brain. So you can't not feel them, that's absurd, and punishing yourself for feeling emotions will just fill you with enough self-loathing to sail suicide ocean with.

    However, that being said, you can learn self-control, and discipline, and tolerance. Nobody is perfect, and nobody has complete control over their emotions 24/7--everyone falters, we're only human. That being said, the only person you should ever hold responsible for your emotional state is yourself, save in situations where someone is...
    • A. Causing you physical harm.
    • B. Intentionally going out of their way to cause you undue mental stress. (Abuse or harassment, generally.)
    That being said, you can hold others responsible for how you might feel, but it's on you to deal with it. So you still benefit from self-control, discipline, and tolerance, and holding these values as highly as you can where it concerns your emotions. Don't pretend they aren't there, but learn how to express them in productive ways, and in certain situations, learn how to momentarily suppress them until you can escape from the situation and vent later. You cannot control what happens to you, only what you will do about it. That is the way life works. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can start to build your resistance and iron out your defenses. Because you can't control what things other people will say or do, no matter how annoying or triggering it may be. Therefore, since you cannot control others, learn how to control yourself.

    To control anger, I usually just attempt to adjust my mindset of the situation.

    If someone is doing something that irritates me, I ask myself why it irritates me, and start attempting to explore avenues to mitigate the irritation mentally. If it is an irrational irritation, then it's on me to change--not to force everyone else to change to suit my irrational twitches.

    If someone is attempting to harm me, I simply attempt to figure out why. If they refuse to act rationally, I'll walk away. If it's important, I might ask for help to deal with the situation.

    If I'm feeling angry before I respond, I'll usually take a step back and take a deep breath and remind myself that anger solves nothing 90% of the time. (The other 10% of the time it's a fantastic survival motivator.)

    Keeping myself open to the opinions of others--even those who I think are batshit--on a regular basis, builds up a lot of tolerance for general stupidity and infuriating hate speech remarks. The more bullshit you can tolerate, the easier it is to control anger. A great way to do this is to look up speeches, articles, and videos made by those who have political views polar opposite those of your own. The longer you can get through it without blowing up and wanting to go axe crazy, the greater your tolerance for bullshit has become, the more self control you have.

    Sometimes I'm just having a bad day. (It happens.) In such cases I'll usually attempt to mellow out alone and remind myself that I can't do anything about whatever is causing my bad day. Sometimes napping, or taking a few minutes break to wash my face in the bathroom helps.

    Your physical health can affect your ability to control your emotions too. (Proper diet, proper exercise, proper sleeping habits, et cetera.) Depriving your body of its needs will make it harder for you to control yourself.

    I look for solutions. The objective going into any situation is to resolve the situation--not to assign blame. It doesn't matter who fucked up, it matters who unfucks the problem. People remember problem solvers just like they do trouble makers.
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  5. It depends on my environment. Expressing anger can make you feel... A lot more human, to others. If something unfair happens to you to screw you over, expressing anger over it can stir others into sympathy, possibly offering help, or even the perpetrator into reflection because they see a large reaction to their actions (or they just get defensive and angry, but eh.) Because people in general respond to emotion a lot better than cold logic. We understand it on a more instinctual level. Plus, expressing anger is a good thing to do from time to time, because whether we like it or not we dumb emotions are part of us and we often need to an experience a feeling before we're able to let it go.

    But... Yeah... On-topic.

    For frustration, I will if possible voice said frustration. Likely a more colourful variant of "X is dumb for Y reason." Or make a snarky remark. Occasionally I call people on their shit, also usually accompanied by a lot of the word fuck but also reasons. For genuine anger, well, typically very controlled. I either smile and become very polite (and try my very hardest not to let that one comment slip through) or I choose my words very carefully to the point I come across as cold and clinical. I basically iron my grip in order to prevent a situation or my emotions to escalate. Tends to be a bad thing, I've been told, because it makes it hard for people to empathise with me.

    I also allow myself to rant more freely about little temporary things I can detach easily/safely from to release stress over the bigger ones that linger. Hell. This is half the reason I deal with discussing politics and idealisms. For excessive energy, I try to release to physically through exercise, so I'll likely go biking or running. I used to have a sandbag buuuuut... It wasn't attached properly and things happened and I broke it and never got a new one.
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  6. I'm a redhead, and have the stereotypical redhead temper. However, I hate confrontation so unless someone really pushes me I tend not to explode, but when I do it's a weapons of mass destruction level explosion. Under normal circumstances it's fairly easy for me to keep things under control. If I'm angry at a friend or someone in my family I think about how what might come out of my mouth will affect our relationship. If it's a stranger, I usually consider the fact that I don't know how they'll respond and I don't know if they have some type of weapon on them. The only time I really respond without thinking is when it involves my kids, or when I'm just having one of those days where I don't give a damn if how anyone else feels. When it comes to my kids, I'm not going to change. It's kept quite a few perverts away from them, and some nasty adults who don't know how to talk to children away. On my bad days I generally avoid people and warn my husband and kids that I'm not myself and to avoid me. Most of the time it's pretty easy to remember that there's really not that many things worth getting angry about.
  7. I curse a lot and start focusing on the negative / being pessimistic =(

    To counter this I do several things
    1) if around people, try to keep my mouth shut
    2) resolve whatever's making me angry as calmly and rationally as possible
    3) if I cannot be rational I shelve the whole shitstorm and come back to it later
    4) force my focus onto the positive
  8. I harness said anger and unleash it on thousands of innocent NPCs.

    That's really my method of 'controlling it'.
    Usually when I get angry it festers to the point I'm pretty sure I have a number of unconscious biases burned in my brain now as a result of it.
  9. I'm not an angry person generally so its not often a problem. It takes a long time to press my buttons in such a way that I lash out. If something annoys me I try to change the situation or avoid it altogether. Confrontation scares me as I'm only 130 pounds and built like laced together sticks. xD
  10. I usually keep it all in and at a later point rant and rave to a couple of friends. If I'm really pissed, I tend to take it out in a physical manner like punching a wall. Not the best thing but at least it's satisfying for the moment.
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