Life sucks.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Valentyne, Jul 16, 2015.

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  1. Generic title, but that's what it sums up to.

    My life is trying to kill me right now. Not literally, but emotionally. Before I go into all the stuff that's been happening, a bit of background.

    After an abusive early childhood, I went into adolescence with intense self esteem problems and severe depression. This grew into social anxiety disorder, which crippled me for several years and still affects me today, to a lesser extent. I struggled with feelings of guilt and worthlessness (my family is very religious) and everyone telling me how smart and capable I was only made it worse. It built up huge expectations that I felt like I could never meet. I started to lie compulsively, exaggerating and tweaking details, sometimes to make myself look better (to satisfy expectations), sometimes for no reason at all. To this day I haven't quite broken this habit--I've just become so adept at it that no one has seen through my little lies in a long time (or at least hasn't expressed it). I got excellent grades, which reinforced everyone's high expectations. When school got difficult, I started cheating so I wouldn't let everyone down. I was never caught (like I said, I have a lot of experience lying), but it tore me up and made my depression worse. Then I got into struggles with my sexual identity--which, in a hyper-conservative household in the south, are not problems you want to have. I became more and more withdrawn, only ever talking to people online--never face to face. In 2013 I attempted suicide twice. That was my worst year. I was told by several people who knew me that I hadn't smiled in months, which was probably true.

    In late 2014 I resolved my identity crisis and got over my self esteem problems. My problems started to resolve themselves. I don't struggle with social anxiety as much anymore, and I know more people in person who can support me when I'm down (which is something I need). For a few months I didn't have too many personal problems--just clashes and tension within my family, which I can deal with.

    Then the past two weeks happened.

    I've been at summer camp as a staff member part of the time, so that helped me get through some of it, but now that I'm home stewing it's all hit me.

    I may not have so many problems anymore, but it seems like everyone else does now. Several people I know or follow online and respect greatly have been in depression or sick. One of my closest friends almost died. And Satoru Iwata is dead, a man who felt like a close friend despite the fact that I never even saw him in person. He was such an awesome person that his death hit me like a freight train in an already delicate time. One of my best friends confided in me about...backstory, I guess, and his problems. I'm always willing to listen and honored that someone so reserved trusts me with that, but as far as my mental health it's been another weight, because now I worry about him too. It's starting to affect my responsibilities (which, since my role at the camp is partly medical, could end badly) and I'm afraid I'll mess something up terribly. I feel like I'm about to break down and cry, but I'm home with my parents, so I can't. It'd be a disaster. There's no one to talk to here, so...I'm writing this.

    I don't know what else to say.

    Thanks for listening, whoever ends up reading this.
  2. You need all the hugs right now. I know the feels about Mr. Iwata. I'm sorry to hear about your friend getting into a perilous situation and about the pressure you feel like you're under. It can be very difficult and sometimes you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's tough to worry about everyone you care for, that I can understand....I wish you all the best in the world and can only offer an occasional friendly ear or maybe a person to play games with if ya want.
    • Thank Thank x 1
  3. Hey Valentyne. I speak from experience when I say worrying is in no way helpful to anyone. But I also know hearing that does nothing to help. But maybe if you hear it enough it can seep into your subconscious mind and chase the worry away. It also might not help to think it but, I am sure for someone somewhere right now is the happiest point in their life.

    I used to be something of a mildly compulsive liar. Fabricating things to hide from what I was and what I wasn't. Mostly miserable days came of it. At least once the immediate "glamour" faded. Like you I also kicked the core of it away. Still I catch myself telling little lies now and then. Sometimes out completely out of habit. Sometimes because it's easier. Sometimes because I feel I have to.

    If it involves others' health you really shouldn't let your own stresses potentially risk hurting them. If you really need a break, tell someone. I don't know much about Summer Camp, but could you potentially see if there is other work you could focus on? Take a break altogether, even? Anyway, I hope you things get better - even if only the smallest amount. Should you ever wish to talk to someone my inbox will remain open. Or I can send a message to you on Skype, if you'd like. Best of luck and don't let them bring you down. ^^
  4. I can relate to the whole "Honored to help others, but now you stress about their problems too" part.

    But in truth all of what you said sounds pretty rough. :/
    My PM/Inbox is open if you ever need to just talk.
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