Letting go

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Susan hadn't expected this, no, not all. All the words that came out of his mouth surprised her a lot, and she didn't know what to do. It broke her heart. Of course she should have just turned around and walked out of there, at least that was her first thought, as she was determined to leave all of what had happened behind her and go finish it all, but as she saw how Brandon reacted to it, she couldn't bring herself to do so. She just couldn't, although she wanted, she knew that she couldn't - she wasn't that cruel.

Realizing that he was still handing the coat to her, she grabbed it, slowly, hesitantly. All of sudden, she didn't want to leave. It felt so wrong leaving him. She bit her lip, trying to make sense out of what she was feeling. She didn't care about herself, whether she lived or died, but Brandon - she couldn't just walk away knowing that he was so upset, and that she was the reason behind it. "I'm sorry... I... you're right... you said the right thing... of course you shouldn't have told her the truth", she said, not sure whether to stay where she was or try and get a glimpse of his face, but as he was turned his back facing her, she figured he probably didn't want her to.

"I'm tired of people leaving, too. As I'm already broken I don't care what they do, what they say... but... when it's someone else... I just can't live with that... knowing that... that I'm the reason... you know", she said, feeling unsure about what to say, how to explain it all. "I can't leave knowing that I'm the reason you're so upset. When I die, I want to be... free. From everything...", she said, biting her lip once more, handing the coat back to him. "Fucking shit", she murmured, pissed at herself and him, both of them, realizing that she has said more than she thought she would. Turning around, she walked to the bathroom and locked herself up there.
 
He stopped and looked straight, listening to what she was saying, he didn't want to make her feel like she had to stay here any longer then she did, "Susan I..." He stopped as she stormed to the rest room and supposedly locked it. He set the coat back on the hook and walked to the rest room, and stood their "You don't have to stay here if you don't want too...I just....want to keep you safe till you feel better..." He said and remembered that the door wasn't locked, "Um....Susan, you do know the door isn't actually locked, you have too turn ot counter clockwise in a full 360 degrees, my doors fucked up." He said and tried not to chuckle or laugh.
 
Susan listened to what he was saying, and as he told her about how she hadn't actually locked the door, she kicked it once in frustration. It seemed like she couldn't do anything right. "Stupid!" she said, both to the door and to herself, sinking down to the floor and leaning towards the wall next to the door. She looked in front of her, suspecting Brandon still be standing there, right outside of the door. Knowing that he could actually walk in any moment, she felt a bit uncomfortable, but at the same time she didn't really care. He probably wouldn't, anyways.

"Come in or do whatever you want to. I'm sick of everything", she said, turning the shower on, turning the water to cold, waiting for it to get as cold as it could possibly get. "No need to panic, I'm not killing myself in here", she said, and meaning it - she wasn't killing herself. She just needed some calm. And cold water worked, she knew it did. She often used it when she had anxiety to take her mind off of things, and feeling the ice cold water hitting her was an easier way dealing with the inside pain.

Soon, she was lying in the shower, still with clothes on though as she didn't want to be naked if Brandon came in, staring on the wall her back facing the door. The cold water hit her and she was shaking, both from the anxiety but also because of how cold it was. She curled up wrapping her arms around her legs, having her knees touching her chest, concentrating on the pain from the water hitting her skin.
 
He hesitated on walking in the bathroom when he the water turn on, til he heard that she wasn't naked or anything, so he walked in and looked down, the water was cold. He saw that she was curled up in a ball, shaking, he knew was she was doing because he use to do it "I use to do the same thing but I kept getting sock afterwards.." He said, he got up and looked at her as he got up "Don't be alarmed...just watch.." He said as he turned the hot water on with the cold water, and it got to a perfect degree, "Now close your eyes and picture something beautiful or nice." He said as he got up "I know you want to be left alone so I will." He said as he walked out with the door still open and walked downstairs and then the phone rang.

"Hello?" He said, a woman spoke on the phone, his exes sister, "So who's at your house and why is my sister crying?" The woman said, Brandon leaned his head back started cussing silently to himself "Wrong number sorry." And he hung up the kept ringing and ringing, he walked up to his room and laid their, it was still raining, he opened his window and climbed out and sat on the roof next to his balcony, just sitting their in the rain as it poured on him "I just want to make it better.." He said to himself, the bathroom window was right next to his and you can see him and possibly hear him. He just sat their, closing his eyes, "That's all I want is to show you what it's like to have someone care for you..." He said once more..."What am I doing wrong..."
 
Hearing Brandon coming into the bathroom, Susan expected him to interrupt what she was doing, shaking her asking what the hell she was doing, or something like that. Realizing that he didn't, but instead stayed calm, telling her to picture something nice or beautiful and then change the temperature of the water to something more normal, made her feel surprised but in a good way. Him leaving made her feel relieved, too, as that was what he wanted, and he seemed to understand that.

She could hear what he said even though the water was still on. She opened her eyes and glanced at the window where the sound of his voice were coming from. After that he had gone quiet, she laid in the shower for some time before turning the water off.

A while later, she had gotten the clothes she had been wearing that were now soaking wet, off of her. Instead she had wrapped a towel around herself to cover her naked body. She went into Brandon's bedroom, borrowing a shirt and a pair of pants, both being a bit too big for her, but she felt too embarrassed to ask him for any kind of help.

She was lying in the couch in the living room, curled up in a similar way to when she had been lying in the shower, but this time she was way more relaxed. The TV was turned on but the sound from it was pretty low as she didn't want to disturb Brandon, and besides, she wasn't paying much attention to what she was watching, anyways.
 
He looked up not paying attention and tried to get up but instead fell and landed in front lf a window "ahhhahahahahoooowaa!" He said getting up and seeing Susan in the window, "I'm ok, I'm ook...I think...ooh my back..." He said walking like a old man and went into the kitchen, and sat down at the table, his pets came in and just stood their "No no, go bother Susan, now will you." He said chuckling, he got up and took of his short again forgetting he had someone in his house and started walking from the kitchen to the living room and then up stairs.
 
Susan had heard Brandon's noises, but as it seemed like he had taken good care of it himself and didn't seem to have gotten too injured, she just glanced at him as he went upstairs. She considered following him up there for a second, but decided not to. She let Squash as it came over to her, smiling at it.
 
He just walked up and went into his room and realized that his draws was opened and saw he was missing a pair of pants and a shirt, he looked around then saw the wet clothes that sat on the floor and he chuckled and went back down stairs, with his shirt off, "Do the fit? My clothes. Or do you need some that fit?" He said with his arms crossed and with a smirk of a grin on his face.
 
Susan sat up in the couch and looked at Brandon as he spoke, smiling slightly at him. "I'd like some that fit better, if you have any", she said, standing up turning the TV off. She then went upstairs toward his room.
 
He just smiled and followed her upstairs yip his room "I'll be right back." He said s he turned around and walked down the hall way. He smiled for a bit, noticing that she was smiling when he asked her a question. He looked seeing her smile, made him feel......like he wasn't worthless after all. He thought to himself 'Maybe if I can find out moor about her and see what I can do to make her happy, maybe just maybe, I can change get life around...hoping though.'

He opened a bedroom door and walked into the closet that he got the other clothes from last time. He looked onto the closet clueless wondering what she would like to wear. He scanned through a shit load of clothes, "Mmmm...no...no...no..ye...no..maybe not..." He kept saying to himself. He didn't know what to choose, then he saw it "Hmmmmm....we may have a winner.." He said as he grabbed it. He grabbed a Dark Blue Jeans that had the logo 'Levi's' on it and a shirt that said "Got Milk...No Seriously Do You Got Milk!" on it, he was about to leave til he realized, she needed some underwear "Uhhhh....I'll uhm...let her choose from that..." He said as he picked up a hand full of them and walked out the room.

"Here, their are more in the room down the hall 3rd door to your right, if you want to scan through more, I don't mind. You can have them as well if you want." He said handing her the clothes and set them on the bed. "Well I'll just let you be and let you change don't want you to feel uncomfortable." He said as he was about to walk out and wasn't paying attention and ran into the side of the doorway "Fuck...." He said a he turned red and rubbed his head "That was embarrassing..." He said and walked out.
 
Susan felt quite good about Brandon actually making an effort to find her some clothes. Not like she would be sad or anything if he didn't, she was surprised in a good way that he had taken some time to find her the clothes. She was happy as long as she had anything.

It looked a bit funny as Brandon hit the side of the doorway, and so Susan smiled, maybe even about to giggle, but stopped herself as she didn't want to be rude. When he was finally out of there, she put on the clothes he had given to her, and the underwear.

When she was done, she walked out of there, down to the living room again, and sat down on the couch. She felt a bit bad about not doing anything but just sitting there, but being suicidal, he should be happy I'm behaving, she thought to herself, a bit jokingly.
 
He was coming from the kitchen with a plate of food "No no, guys stop, Squishy, fuck off, Squash, No, damn it! Ahh omph!!" He said as his pets attacked him to the floor and the plate landed on his head. He feel near Susan and looked up and looked at his cat Squishy and Squash just eating "FATASSES!" He said and got up seeing Susan and sat down "Sorry...haha" he chuckled and picked up and it meowed and the started purring when he set it down on his lap, then Squash jumped on the couch and sat on Susans lap "He likes you and none of my pets likes anyone. It's strange." He said smiling at her.
 
As Brandon got attacked by the pets, Susan was rather alarmed, turning around towards him quickly with a worried, perhaps even scared, look in her eyes. Realizing it was nothing but Brandon and the cats, she relaxed some, and smiled slightly as the sight of him with the plate on his head looked a bit funny. She pet Squash as it sat in her lap, although she still kept her eyes on Brandon, still looking slightly tense though.

"I guess it is", she replied with a shrug, not sounding like she cared that much. She put Squash away and put her knees in front of her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs, looking at Brandon as if to make sure that he didn't do anything to hurt or scare her.
 
He looked at her and tilted his head "Heyy you ok?" He said looking at her, then he saw it, she put her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. His best friend would do that when she got scared or was afraid of being alone with him their. "I'm not going to get you Susan. I promise..I don't know what happened to you in the part but I'm not like them." He said as he looked at her and then nodded at what she was doing "Here I'll move." He said as he got up and say at the other end of the couch but he forgot his phone, out dripped on the couch and walked to pick it up. He looked at her and reached for his phone and put it back in his pocket "I'm sorry..." He said as he was beginning to walk away.
 
Listening to Brandon as he spoke, Susan felt as if she was some kind of animal that he was afraid of scaring away. Maybe a deer or something - if he was too quick in his movements, she'd run off in a blink of an eye. She knew that he didn't know anything about what she had been through, but still, in a way it felt good hearing that he wasn't 'like them' - although he didn't know what he was talking about, really.

As he began to walk away, Susan didn't stop him. She didn't mind him sitting at the other end of the couch if that was what he wanted, or even move to another room, if he wanted to. She realized that having him in the same room made her feel less lonely though. "Maybe you could stay", she said, a bit hesitant, not looking in his eyes but at his chin, "I think I like... your... me not feeling so... alone", she said thoughtfully, not sure whether her words were the right ones to use or not.
 
Before he sat back down he stopped as she spoke her words and looked back at her and stood their for a moment and then walked back to the couch she was sitting on the couch she was sitting on and say back down. He sat their for a moment and looked at her. "You sure? If you feel with me beingthe close to you, I can move." He said looking at her but the TV Ashley came on, "Shit...that looks terrible....ANOTHER 7 days of rain? Well their goes my vacation." He said as he chuckled. He thought to himself that she can't go out their in the storm, it's gotten worse but she couldn't stay longer of she didn't want to. "You can still stay, if you don't want too.." He said starting at the TV then at her and back at the TV.
 
Susan shrugged as she saw what the weather was like, and at Brandon's words. She knew that she didn't want to go out if the weather was that bad - but, on the other hand, the weather didn't matter that much if she was going to die, anyway. Looking at Brandon, she thought that she could stay at least till the storm passed, for his sake.

"I could stay and then maybe the weather will get better", she said, feeling cruel as she thought that maybe she was just giving him false hope by staying. She bit her lip. "Just so you know... I don't want to give you any false hope... Expectations or anything... But I won't... survive", she said, looking away, feeling bad about what she was saying as she knew that he cared for her.
 
He looked at her and stood up and just stared at her "What do you mean you won't survive?" He said as he shut the TV off and stared at her "Have you not had any body, care for?" He said as he kneeles down and set his hand on hers. He knew it would make her flinch but he didn't care "I care for you, damn it. You don't need to die! You have so much to love for." He said staring deep into her eyes, she was looking at him "Tell me why you want to die so much. Tell me! Look at me!" He rose his voice a bit but calmed him. "Please..." He said as he lowered his heas, shaking, tears filling in his eyes. (I'm soooooo sorry for the late reply. Been very very very busy. Please forgive me.)
 
Seeing the way Brandon reacted at her words made her feel pretty sad, for him, that he was sad about it. She listened to him, and when he went quiet, she smiled, a sad smile. "There's nothing to live for anymore. Life hurts and nowadays all I feel is pain. I don't want to live like this", she said, shrugging, taking her hands away from his.

((Happy to see you replied, been missing you!))
 
He just looked at her.....stared at her. 'How could she be in such a state of this mind?!' he said to himself. He turned his back on her and looked out the window. He looked down and closed his eyes. "You're not the only one who've thought of this. Who've that of jumping off that bridge, a bullet in the skull, or what ever else..." he turned and looked at her and continued "...I've attempted to commit suicide so many times, some I have succeeded but wasn't kept long. And you think it's the best way is to leave this earth because you say that this world is filled with nothing but pain and life of hurt? Well babe, after you leave this world you'll burn, get torn to pieces for all eternity and never die but fell nothing but pain, and a life of hurt." he said as he looked deep into her eyes and set his hand gently on her cheek, running his thumb back and forth on her soft cheek. "I don't want the same fate for you. You may think, or know that, no body cares about you or loves you or anything but you're wrong. I care for you, and it's growing more and more. When I saw you standing on that bridge that rainy day, I couldn't help but see myself standing their. But the more I got closer and closer I saw you and realized the mistake you are making and I had to stop even if it meant risking my life for you, Susan. I'd do anything to protect you from those who hurt and do you harm, and from anyone. I want you to live..." his hand slid from her cheek and laid upon her hand and held it firmly but gently as well. "My scars tell my past.....the scars on my body tells my past. Please give me a chance to make you happy. To show you that this world isn't just filled with a life of hurt and pain. But with love, happiness, kindness, everything you can possibly dream of. Please, just give me the chance. Please." he said and finished and stared into her deep eyes, hoping for an answer.

He waited for a couple of mins but hear nothing, the rain slapping against his mansion of a house like arrows in the sky, the thunder roars with a flash of light. He lowered is head and chuckled a bit. "Ok......I understand. A total stranger trying to make a beautiful girl happy is stupid. Who'd want to be happy around a loser like I am." He said as he got up and dropped her hand at the same time. He looked out the window and saw the rain, it was getting pretty bad but not bad enough for anyone to stand out in it, it was still safe enough. He looked out and then turned and looked back at her and walked close to her and bent down and kissed her cheek, softly and gently and whispered in her ear "...I'll always care for you. To be hear for you and support you in any decision you make...even if it means I die for it...I will." and kissed her cheek again.
 
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