Kiss With a Fist

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Out of reflex, Levi went to swat Emil's hand out of the way when he reached up to touch the bruises he left on his neck, but stopped himself when he realized that it was just a soft touch. He almost hissed 'don't touch me', but didn't want to trigger another mood swing. He wasn't sure if he could handle a repeat of last night, right now.

"Yeah, you are," he replied, keeping his tone light - even if he meant every word. "I just bought some eggs. Let's have those." At the mention of his light, he looked confused. He didn't even turn his light on last night before falling into bed. Did Emil fix it for him? With a shrug, he squeezed past his brother to step into his room, and flipped on the switch.

"Huh," he said, flipping the light back off and stepping back into the hallway; when he noticed that Emil wasn't there, he sighed, and trudged into the kitchen. "Yeah, it does. You fixed it last night? Thanks." The words 'did you do it because you felt bad about almost raping me?' hung sourly in the air, unspoken.

Noticing Felix, he called the white cat over, and grabbed the container of his dry food. Despite being stone-faced since the moment he stepped out of his bedroom, he couldn't help but crack a small smile when Felix started crying in his desperation to be fed. "Can you pour me a big cup?" He asked Emil as he scooped out the cat food. "Gonna need it today."
 
Emil knew his brother means it when he agrees with him but ignores the anger that bubbles up, 'Stop it, Emil. you know you really fucking hurt him last night.' Emil nods, "ok, eggs..."

"Dont thank me, I don't deserve to even be here today, I should be locked up in jail right now, but you didn't call the police for some reason..." He sighs heavily again, nodding to Levi's request. "I will as soon as it's done." He turns to the fridge getting out the eggs, "Scrambled or fried?" He looks over to his brother with a slight smile. He hates that his brother has to walk around on eggshells , he honestly wishes he could just get rid of his anger, but he knows that won't ever happen.
 
And there it finally was - acknowledgement and admittance. Levi felt a small weight lift from his shoulders, though he knew that this small thing should not have been enough to make him feel better - but he loved Emil. He didn't want to be angry at him, even if he deserved to be.

"Scrambled," he replied, pointedly ignoring Emil's statement about Levi having not called the police. He didn't want to admit that he didn't want to get Emil arrested, because he cared about him; he was afraid that that confession might make him believe that what he did wasn't serious. Then again, if Levi wasn't going to treat it like it was serious - why should Emil?

He returned the smile as he put away the cat food, leaning against the counter as he watched Emil shuffle around. "Did you want to talk about what happened at work last night?" He asked carefully. "You don't have to. I just wondered if anything really serious happened, to make you... you know..."
 
Emil nods, "Scrambled it is then..." He keeps his gaze down, towards the eggs as he gets out four, two for each of them and sets them on the counter. He goes over to the fridge again, getting out butter to grease the pan so the eggs don't stick. He moves back over to the pan, stopping at Levi's words, contemplating whether he wants to talk about it or not, he shakes his head, "I don't think it'd be a wise decision for us right now..." Emil is just waiting for the trigger to go off, for that switch to flip, and he wants to wait as long as he can. It wasn't exactly the most pleasant thing in the world. Especially since he became borderline abusive, and in some cases actually abusive. He can't remember how many times he's hit his brother for something he couldn't even help, and last night was crossing the line way too much.

Emil concentrates on the food he is making, he's not sure why his brother is always his target when he gets angry, it's been that way even since they were younger. 'Maybe because he's so much smaller than me?' He is studying Levi out of the corner of his eye, trying to figure out exactly what it was, 'Maybe it's because I know he won't tell anyone.. I'm not sure why he doesn't...' He lets the eggs continue cooking, moving over to the coffee pot again, getting two mugs from the cabinet above it. He pours them both coffee, he drinks his black so he asks, "What do you want in yours? The usual?" His eyes trail back to the younger.
 
Levi could accept that answer; Emil wasn't outright ignoring him, which he considered great progress. "That's fair," he said, watching his brother cook with only shallow interest. His mind was on other, more serious things, and though he normally would have asked if he could help cook breakfast, he was too preoccupied to even think about it. That, and he felt like it was only fair that Emil be subjected to breakfast duty, after last night.

He wondered why he still put up with Emil, after the number of times he had been attacked by him, and the only answer he could come up with was 'because he's my brother, and I love him'. That didn't seem like a good enough justification, though; Levi was sure there were plenty of siblings that would have cut each other off, if not after the first fight, then surely after the second - and they were way past two fights by now. Just because someone was part of your family, didn't mean you had to put up with abuse.

But Levi didn't want to leave. There was something wrong with his brother, he was almost certain; the mood swings were not normal. Did he stay because he wanted to fix him, somehow? Or was it because, underneath all the aggression, he was still the same fun-loving older brother he had grown to love deeply and inappropriately? Perhaps Levi was just defective. There was also that possibility.

He was only snapped out of his daydream when Emil asked him what he wanted in his coffee. He blinked at him a few times before realizing what he had just said. "Huh? Oh, yeah, the usual. Just cream," he said, raking his fingers through his hair. He just didn't know what to do with himself.
 
Emil nods and makes his brother's coffee silently, he felt like there was so much tension in the air that it could be cut with a knife. He felt on edge, so he couldn't imagine how Levi feels. Most likely angry, was his best guess. "I just want to avoid getting frustrated today. I want to feel normal, even if it's only for a couple hours..." He keeps his eyes cast down.

He looks over to the eggs, seeing if they're finished, stirring them one more time he turns off the stove. He gets out two plates for them, offering Levi's his first, he felt like maybe with these small gestures he'd get across that he doesn't want to be the way he is. Emil clears his throat awkwardly, he really misses the moments when they could relax around each other and laugh about stupid things, but he's not sure if they'll be able to do that anymore. With his own mood swings seemingly getting worse and worse as he ages, and getting more intense, and his little brother growing up, he will surely get fed up with it eventually and leave.

Emil finally just decides to grow a pair and talk about it, "Ugh, um, about last night... You were right, I am just pent up and I was angry....and you happened to be the first person I saw... So I attacked you..." He tries to keep his usual strong tone, but instead it just sounds tired and trying. "There's a guy I met in college that I've been after for the last, what, ten years, and I saw him with some other guy and got...really angry as you could tell..." He keeps his eyes lowered, looking like he's a lot smaller than he is in reality, "I don't know why I take all my anger out on you of all people, since you're never the source of my anger. Maybe it's because you're a reliable target? Because you're so much smaller than I am? Because I know you won't stay angry at me for it forever?" He is waiting for Levi's reaction, he knows good and well none of this justifies what he did, but Levi deserves an explanation. "And don't think I'm looking for forgiveness, I don't expect that from you. Just needed to explain things to you. It's the least I can do..."
 
Levi felt a twinge of sympathy when Emil so pathetically said he wanted to feel normal today, even though he wanted to remain angry with him. This was the brother he knew and loved so dearly, and it was disturbingly easy to forget all of the horrible things he had done when he acted like this. He remained silent while Emil finished up breakfast, and took the plate with a small smile when it was offered to him. It was strained, and far from genuine, but it was the effort that counted.

It was as he started to serve himself half of the eggs that Emil started to talk, and Levi had to stop what he was doing just to face his brother and listen. None of the explanations he offered made him feel better; being considered a 'reliable target' was infuriating, a small person embarrassing, and the assertion that he wouldn't stay mad at Emil forever was frustratingly accurate. Most of all, however, his stomach twisted into knots at his brother's mention of a love interest, which made Levi feel disgusting. The last thing he should have been feeling was jealous, because even if Emil would be willing to have sex with him - if - there was no way he would love him. Not in the way Levi wanted to be loved.

After Emil finished talking, Levi continued to serve himself, and then calmly moved to set down his plate and coffee on the table before he responded. He stared at Emil blankly for a while, before he ran a hand over his face, and sighed into his palm. "I forgive you," he muttered after a few seconds of silence. "I shouldn't, but I do. Because I'm fucking crazy, or something." He didn't understand Emil, he didn't understand himself, and most of all, he didn't understand their unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship, and why he was hell bent on saving it. Because he's my brother, and I love him. Maybe if he repeated those words enough to himself, they would start to make sense.

"You need to get checked out or something, Emil. Your mood swings aren't normal... I'd go with you, if you wanted." Levi knew he was taking a risk, saying this, but he wanted to put it out in the open. If he started to get aggressive again, Levi decided he would just leave the apartment for a while - and pointedly ignored the very real possibility of Emil not letting him leave. "I just worry about you, is all."
 
Emil looks shocked when his brother says he forgives him, falling completely silent, not expecting forgiveness, especially not this time. He reaches out a hand to his brother, ruffling his hair, "Thank you, Levi. I sure as hell don't deserve it, but I'm thankful." He's not sure where all his brother's patience came from, but he envies it. Or how he can have mercy for someone for someone like him. He really does admire his younger brother.

Emil goes silent again, sipping his coffee and contemplating what Levi says, "Sure, I'll go today before work... I don't want to force you come, so don't worry about it..." He nods, picking up the plate meant for his own breakfast and taking the other half of the eggs. He sits down with his coffee and plate, across from Levi's chair. 'So...going to see exactly how fucked up I am...' He sighs audibly as he begins eating. He still has another subject to talk about, about his brother's feelings last night, but that definitely wasn't something he is able to decide how to bring up. Instead of saying anything he just silently eats his breakfast.

Finally the lack of sleep is starting to catch up on Emil, as he's eating he feels his eyelids growing heavy, and every so often he'd start to fall asleep, causing him to begin leaning forward, but that just causes him to jerk back, awake again. This repeats several times throughout the meal, causing his eggs and coffee to disappear at an incredibly slow rate.
 
Levi arched his eyebrows in surprise when Emil so casually agreed to go get looked at by a professional. He really must have felt terrible if he was willing to do so without a fight, or so much as a sneer. "Well... I have to go to work in an hour anyway, so I wouldn't be able to come along regardless," he said quietly, his stomach filled with dread at the thought of having to go to work with all the bruises on his neck. He was going to get questions regardless of whether or not he wore a high-collared shirt, because he never wore clothes like that to the greenhouse. It would be obvious that he was hiding something. If he was lucky, he might just get away with gentle ribbing, and not some of his more touchy co-workers insisting on 'seeing the damage'.

At least he didn't have a busted lip, like last time, but even that would be easier to explain away than the bite marks. 'I got in a fight with my brother, but it's okay' was a lot more understandable than 'my brother tried to rape me, and then I forgave him for it - isn't that funny?'.

He was content to eat in silence, though he was well aware that the silence wasn't easy. It was heavy and oppressive, making it obvious that there were still many things unsaid between the two of them. Levi still felt anxious about, and vaguely nauseated by, the fact that Emil had so far glossed over his confession last night. Part of him hoped he would just ignore it altogether, and not use it as fodder in any further fights.

He didn't even finish his eggs, the anxiety making it difficult to eat. It was also hard to ignore the way that Emil was all but falling asleep at the breakfast table. "Did you sleep at all last night?" Levi asked, arching an eyebrow. "Because you're about to get a face full of eggs, nodding off like that."
 
"That's fine..." He trails off, the silence almost unbearable, but he did nothing to break it. He didn't want to, there's so much that's left unspoken, but he's not sure he wants to be the one to speak it. He clears his throat uncomfortably.

The thoughts he'd had last night returning to his mind. He sleepily shakes them off, the reason he is having such a hard time staying awake is because he feels more or less relaxed around Levi now, knowing he's forgiven him.

He is barely conscious at this point, holding himself up with his hand and trying to shake it off. The coffee wasn't working fast enough for his taste. When Levi asks him something he looks up, not registering what was asked at all, "What?" His eyes were half closed and he looks like he's about to pass out. He is surprised he even made a coherent word at this point, so focusing on one task at a time is all he can manage to do right now.
 
Levi watched Emil fight off sleep with great amusement. "That answers my question," he said, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a grin. He felt satisfied knowing that Emil slept just as poorly as - if not even worse than - he did, but it was also an amusing sight to see his older brother falling asleep at the table like a baby. At least he was suffering some consequences from his actions, no matter how small.

"You don't have to work until late, right? C'mon, let's get you to bed. Have a nap, at least." Levi, having lost all interest in the remains of his breakfast by now, slipped out of his chair, and went to Emil's side. He put a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently, indicating that he should stand up so Levi could help him to bed.
 
Emil only slightly registers his words, yawning and making a small, "uh-huh" sound. He stands up when his brother encourages him to, walking along to his bedroom, with his brother's help, because he's utterly exhausted right now. "T-thanks Levi." He stutters from a yawn coming up. He pushes himself onto his bed, almost immediately passing out, not even actually on the bed, more like halfway so. His glasses are still on his face as he lies there, legs hanging off the bed and his head resting smack dab in the middle, on no pillow.

So much relief had flooded through his body when Levi had said he'd forgiven him, he just felt like sleeping, so he did, for quite a while actually. He stays asleep for around 7 hours, having completely forgotten about going to see someone about his mood swings when he finally does wake up. He wasn't really thinking about much, just lying still in his bed, being lazy.
 
Levi had to suppress laughter as he helped Emil into his room. He sure it looked quite amusing, petite Levi helping giant Emil walk because he was too exhausted to haul himself to bed. He did laugh, however, at the sight of his brother asleep with his glasses still on, but did nothing to help move him into a proper sleeping position. For one, he didn't feel comfortable going that far into Emil's room at the moment, and for another, he was sure he would figure it out for himself eventually.

He started to get ready for work after that, first taking an unusually long shower, and then wrestling with his wardrobe. Unfortunately for him, he only owned one shirt that would cover up the bruises on his neck, and it was a white wool turtle-neck that was both uncomfortably warm and uncomfortably itchy. Frankly, he wasn't sure why he still owned it, but he supposed it was coming in handy just this once.

He felt like he looked absolutely ridiculous, but there was nothing else to be done. If he didn't wear this, then customers would be put off by him, and Levi didn't want that. He almost overheated on the bus, and by the time he arrived at the greenhouse, he had to slip into the washroom to dry himself off. Fortunately, his co-workers were not all that nosy, to his surprise; outside of one comment from his co-worker and friend, James, about his odd new fashion statement, no one said a thing. Whether or not it was the rather severe expression he wore all day that put them off from asking, he would never know.

By the time he arrived back home almost seven hours later, Levi was about done with his god awful turtle-neck, and barely waited until he was through the front door to peel it off his body. He tossed it onto Felix, who greeted him at the door, and laughed in amusement as the cat sat on the floor looking like a deer caught in headlights. He continued chuckling softly to himself as he made his way down to the bathroom, but stopped dead in the hallway when he noticed that Emil was still in his room.

Normally, Levi wouldn't have cared if Emil caught him shirtless, but last night had ruined many things. He almost covered himself like he was a woman caught naked, but didn't. His brother almost still seemed to be asleep, and once again, Levi had to sternly remind himself that this was his apartment too, and he should be able to walk around without a shirt if he wanted to.

Still, he felt awkward, and cleared his throat before he approached his brother. "Oh, hey, Emil," he said, placing a hand on his door frame. "What are you still doing here? Did you go to see someone already?"
 
Emil ended up on the floor instead of further on the bed by the end of the seven hours he was asleep for. He looks up at his brother, sitting up with sluggish movements, "Huh? What are you talking about?" Emil is lost as to what his brother is talking about, having slept all day and forgotten about the doctors. His face twists in confusion as he begins stretching, his joints cracking to the point it almost sounds painful.

He stands up slowly, looking from his bed to where he was lying on the floor just a moment ago, not quite sure how he'd ended up there, but his glasses were still on the bed, apparently slipping off when he somehow ended up on the floor. He sighs, looking back to his brother, who seems a bit on edge. He couldn't blame him though. Emil is honestly happy that he has yet to get angry today, it was his new personal best time.

Emil checks the time and begins to get ready for work, changing into his uniform, not caring that Levi is standing there, they are brothers after all. He adjusts his clothes, "I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I have to go to work soon."
 
Levi couldn't help but snicker as he watched Emil struggle to wake up, but his brief bought of amusement was quickly broken when he realized his brother had apparently forgotten all about his mission to go see a doctor today. He watched him stumble about, waiting to see if he would remember once he woke up a bit more, but was sorely disappointed when he discovered that no, Emil seemed to have completely forgotten.

"You forgot, didn't you?" Levi said with a sigh, but made sure to follow it up with a wry smile so Emil wouldn't take it as a slight and get angry. "Were you asleep for our conversation earlier? At breakfast?" He wanted to see if Emil would remember on his own before prompting, because he wasn't sure if he would respond as well to the suggestion now. Still, he thought it was very important that Emil go to see someone; he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with an unstable, frightening brother.
 
Emil looks really confused, "What did I forget about?" He furrows his eyebrows, trying to remember breakfast, it was all a hazy mess. He sits down on the bed, picking up his glasses and replacing them on his face. He wasn't sure exactly what Levi is talking about, but he assumes it's important. Then it clicks, "Oh, I'm not going, not today at least, no time." He looks up at him, still feeling groggy.

He stands up, brushing past Levi and into the living room. "I'll go...sometime though." He wasn't actually one hundred percent sure of that, since he felt like it might be a waste of time and money if he went.
 
Levi felt a wave of relief wash over him when Emil remembered on his own; he really didn't feel like repeating himself, lest he incur his brother's wrath. Unfortunately, he didn't seem as gung-ho about it right now as he did this morning, though Levi was far from surprised by this change. Everything about Emil was tumultuous.

"I meant it when I said I'd go with you," he said, hesitantly following him into the living room. "If you're nervous, or something. But I suppose we don't need to talk about that now. Did you eat anything?" Levi wasn't sure how much time Emil had before work, but he might be able to put something in the oven quickly if he hadn't eaten dinner yet. He felt like it would be less likely for his brother to snap if he had enough calories in his system.
 
"Are you sure you want to go with me?" His eyes trail over to his brother, looking at him with confusion. When he asks about food he shakes his head, "I've been asleep since you helped me to bed...." He hadn't meant to sleep so much, it just happened and there's nothing he can do about it now. "I only have about 20 more minutes before I have to leave though." He rubs his eyes again, still feeling tired but trying to shake it off.

"I'll just get something after work." He knew it probably wasn't a good idea to go to work on an empty stomach because that causes him to become frustrated, but it's too bad, he has to go, even though he doesn't particularly feel like it tonight. He has to work at the hospital and the bar on Saturday and he runs his hand over his face in frustration as he's thinking about his schedule. He honestly regrets working two different jobs, but he needs the money, and it doesn't matter if his ability to process thoughts is obsolete by the end of the day. "So how was work today?" He is mainly referring to the marks on his neck and the fact that he knows some of his co-workers are nosy from previous conversations, which despite his brother probably thinking otherwise, he does remember things he tells him during the times they actually sit down and talk, even if it's just them complaining to each other.
 
Levi shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck. "I really don't mind," he said. "It's up to you." Though he wanted to play it off as him coming along for moral support, the real reason that he wanted to come along was to make sure that Emil actually went into the appointment. He couldn't very well force his brother to allow him to come along, but he would prefer to, if at all possible.

He nodded dazedly when Emil said he had slept all day, and therefore hadn't had time to eat, but looked more alert when he said he wouldn't eat anything until after work. Levi knew he worked two jobs tonight, and the idea of him putting off eating until that much later made him feel uneasy. He would definitely have to try to be in bed before Emil got home tonight.

"Okay, if you're sure," he said, not wanting to argue. "I think I'm going to put one of the pizzas in the oven though. Want me to leave you some? It's just mushroom, though..." Levi was a vegetarian, but he knew Emil wasn't, and sometimes he just didn't want to put up with his meatless meals. "Work was fine. Nothing exciting happened, except I overheated about three times in that stupid turtleneck." He made a face, and idly touched one of the bruises on his neck; they hurt today, as expected.
 
"If you really want to, I don't care." He shrugs, grumbling a bit, something about not really wanting to go anymore. He wasn't close enough for Levi to hear though, which he's fine with. Emil shakes his head, "No, it's fine, I'll grab something on my way home." He looks at his brother with concern, despite being a little more frustrated than he was this morning he still hasn't hit the point of no return. "You're ok now though?"

About 20 minutes later Emil leaves for work, sighing. He drives to the hospital first, his shift at the bar starts at 2 AM so he has a bit of time between his two jobs. And it ends at 5 AM so he's going to have another sleepless night, which is just wonderful. He reaches the hospital, getting out of his car.

Later, when his shift is over he sits in his car until he has to go to the bar, taking a nap, which only lasts for about 10 minutes. His phone going off from a call. He picks it up, not looking at who it is, and then regretting it. It's Alek, the last person he wants to talk to after last night. He's drunk and crying, always going to Emil when he has a break up, despite knowing his feelings for him, he assumes it's because he wants sympathy and knows Emil will give it to him. He listens to his sobs and complaining about his ex-boyfriend. And he finally just gets frustrated, like he does at every end of a call with him, "God dammit, stop calling me about this shit, you know I like you and yet you still pull this shit. If you want to have someone that won't break you heart, go out with me, if not, shut the hell up and leave me alone." With that he hangs up, now not happy at all, that switch finally flipping.
 
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