Kiss With a Fist

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Levi almost felt like his heart could explode, hearing Emil say he would protect him, even if he was sound asleep while doing so. He desperately hoped that this dreamy domestic dynamic they had going on would last into the next day.

He slept straight through the night, with no dreams to speak of, only occasionally moving when Emil did. He groaned petulantly when his brother got up before he did, wanting to remain in bed like this for a while longer, but knowing that they had plans today. The earlier that they went to the doctor, the better; he needed all the time he could get to cram for his exam tomorrow. Thankfully, even in his groggy, half-awake state, he could tell that his mind was sharper than it had been yesterday.

He finally got out of bed when he heard Emil start the coffee maker, sluggishly pulling on a pair of sweats and trudging into the bathroom to get ready for the day. He washed his face and let his hair down, surprised - but pleased - to see it wavy at the ends. "Must be humid today," he murmured to himself, heading out of the bathroom to go bother Emil. Hopefully he would still be in a good mood.

Once in the kitchen, Levi crept behind his brother, and snaked his arms around his waist. "Good morning," he murmured, standing on his tip toes to give Emil a kiss on the jaw. "... Did you sleep okay?"
 
Emil looks back to his brother with groggy eyes, he's so glad he's tame today, because usually before coffee Emil was more likely to go on a rampage from the tiniest things. He leans into the kiss, "Morning Levi..." He yawns again, placing his larger hands over his brother's smaller ones around his waist. "I should probably get dressed, huh..." He chuckles, having been naked for an extreme amount of time. "I slept really well... You?"

He turns himself around in Levi's arms, just realizing exactly how much of a height difference they have. "Levi...your're really short...it's...cute?" He didn't know how else to word exactly how he felt, other than adoration. He chuckles, leaning down to brush his lips against his brother's, "Also...for future reference, talking to me when I haven't had coffee yet is an extremely bad idea at times..." He wraps his own arms around Levi, "Are you ready for today? Me being in there with you won't be uncomfortable for you, will it? If it is, I'll just wait..." He doesn't want to make the younger uncomfortable, even if he does want to make sure he's ok, to a degree.

Emil presses their lips together again before sighing, "I'm gonna go put clothes on now..." He untangles himself from his brother and slips out of his arms. Then he walks back to his room, albeit a bit hesitantly. He shuffles over to his closet, looking over the clothes before pulling out something that only halfway goes together, looking a bit odd, but not enough for Emil himself to notice. He pulls on the clothing, silently looking around for his keys before he remembers his car is still at the bar so his car keys would do him no good.
 
"Pants would be good," Levi joked lightly. "Just outside the house, because I don't want you to get arrested for public indecency." He chuckled to himself, even if he wasn't particularly funny. "I slept great. Thanks." Thanks for asking, thanks for not beating the shit out of me, thanks for holding me all night.

One thing that Levi was certainly not fond of was comments about his height, but as with most other things, he didn't mind hearing it from Emil. He used to be bitterly jealous that his brother just kept growing and he stopped at average female height, and was still a touch bitter about it, even now. Still, if his brother thought it was cute - thought he was cute - then he didn't mind so much. "Glad you think so," he said, stealing a kiss when Emil bent down to brush their lips together.

When told that it was probably a bad idea to bother Emil before his coffee, Levi's heart skipped a beat. "Ah, right... sorry." That was definitely not something he should be forgetting. He knew better by now, and got off lucky this morning. "No, you can come with me. It's okay. Just be prepared to be given the side eye for a while. Once I tell them that you're my brother, it'll probably stop." Not that Emil being his brother meant jack shit, in the sex (rape, Levi, rape) department, but they didn't need to know that.

Levi mumbled 'okay' when Emil said he was going to get dressed, and waited for the coffee to finish brewing. Once it had, he pulled out two travel mugs - red for Emil, blue for Levi - and filled them both to taste. He glanced at the fridge, trying to decide if he wanted to eat something before they left, and ultimately deciding against it. He always felt nauseated when he went to the doctor, and that was for much less terrible reasons; he didn't want anything to upset his stomach more.
 
Emil scoffs a bit at the thought that they'll stop suspecting him after he says 'brother', "Like that makes any difference with us..." He leans down and kisses him. "It's good that they'll stop though... I want to try and make what I have done to you up...even if it takes the rest of my life. And then some..." He shakes his head and asks, "Do you think we would have gotten to this point if we weren't brothers? If I was the same, I wonder if you would have still fallen in love with me...The same moody piece of shit that I am... Would you take the shit I've done like you do now or would it have been different? If we weren't brothers we wouldn't have to, from now on, be so cautious of where we are and who's around..." He looks around, "Our affection is pretty much confined to this apartment...because otherwise there's people... And we can't bring each other to our respective parents because our parents are our parents." He sighs, "Dammit...this is gonna be complicated...but I think it's worth it."

He leaves the bedroom, sighing and steps into the bathroom to finish up everything he needs to. Then he wanders back to the kitchen, studying the cups in Levi's hands he takes the red one, assuming it's his. He sips it quietly, watching Levi from over his cup. "I still can't wait for you to be better... Not just for sex, well, mostly, but I'm sure you're in pain..." He ruffles his brother's hair. "Heal soon." Emil winks at him, "And I'll treat you like a gentleman would..." Drinking his hot coffee slowly, he walks away, then he realizes something, "Levi, why are you vegetarian? I know you are, but I don't think I've ever asked why..."
 
For all the years Levi had been hopelessly in love with his brother, he had never once really considered the difficulties of dating your sibling. He never thought that he would get to this point, where his affections were returned, so he never bothered. It had always just remained a fantasy. Thinking about it now, it made him feel a little sick. He was quite sure that no, if Emil was not his brother, he wouldn't have fallen in love with him - at least, not if they met as adults. If they knew each other as children, then perhaps. But this wasn't really a discussion he wanted to have this morning. He was still having trouble believing that Emil felt the same way about him - and on more than one level, didn't believe it. It was just easy to ignore those logical parts of his brain in favour of the childish dreamer inside of him. Didn't he deserve to be happy, just for one day?

Though Levi had a smile on his face when Emil said he couldn't wait for him to heal, he groaned softly when he said he must have been in pain. "You have no idea," he muttered. Yesterday, thanks to his stupid stunt with the sleeping pills, the pain had been dulled, but this morning it was back in full force. Just from doing research he knew there was really nothing they could do for him aside from prescribe some kind of cream, but he still wanted to double check it was nothing worse than what he thought it was. And when they got back, he was taking a long bath.

When his brother asked why he was a vegetarian, Levi stared at him blankly. That was an unexpected question. "Multiple reasons," he said, taking a sip of coffee. "Meat makes me feel sick, for one. I don't agree with the practices used in cultivating mass-produced meat, for another. And if we all started eating less or no meat, then we would make great progress saving the climate." He looked off to the side, knowing that a lot of people were always ready to argue these points with him, and he wasn't in the mood this morning. "If I knew I was eating an animal that was raised with love and care and slaughtered humanely, then I'd probably be okay, but..." He shrugged. "I'm just a hippy, I guess. You ready to go?"

He grabbed his keys from the counter and shoved them in the pocket of his hoodie. "Oh, wait... did you ever get your car back?" Levi was used to taking public transportation, but he was in pain, and also believed he looked like shit, so he wasn't too keen on the idea today.
 
Emil quietly listens to Levi's reasons for being vegetarian, it's not like he's going to argue them. His brother can believe and do whatever the hell he likes, he deserves it. The brunette was just randomly curious about it. "That fine. You're a cute hippy, so I can live with you." He winks at his younger brother almost playfully, with a small smile. "I'm ready to go...You?" He listens to his question before shaking his head slightly, "Nope... It's still at the bar... Sorry..." Pressing a small kiss to Levi's head he looks at him apologetically.

"Hey...sometime when walking doesn't hurt so much, let's go out." He isn't really asking, he's more so telling. Of course, if his brother said no, he wouldn't force him. There's no real reason. He just wants to spend some time together, fucking around or something. Just time together for no fucking reason. They never do that anymore.
 
Levi couldn't help but frown. "Ah. That's fine, we can just bus it. I think I have some extra change for a ticket," he said, opening the door. He personally had a student pass, given that he needed to take public transportation almost every day for most of the year, but he knew his brother probably wouldn't. Why would he, when he had his own wheels? As he locked the door behind them, he glanced over his shoulder at Emil, and smiled softly. "Yeah... I'd like that," he said, brushing some stray locks behind his ear. "Maybe we can go to the theater, like you wanted to the other day." Before I self destructed and got myself in this awful position.

As they headed down the stairs, Levi had a realization, and groaned. "Shit, I didn't check the bus times... oh well. At least waiting for the bus won't be as awful if I have you around." He bumped their shoulders together and smiled. "Clinic is two buses away. Connecting bus will take us right in front of it. Hopefully they shouldn't be busy this early in the day..." He glanced off and worried his bottom lip, which was still slightly swollen from their aggressive kissing the night before, between his teeth. "Really don't feel like waiting in that lobby for hours..."
 
Emil nods slowly, "If you're sure...we kinda both look like...well, shit, well, not so much you, mainly me... I could walk to the bar and pick it up...I have my keys in my room..." He stands outside the door, just in case he needed to go get his keys. He really didn't mind walking, he just didn't know if Levi wanted to wait that long. He nods, "Me too... If you want to, I don't have a particular preference as to where we end up. We could just walk around in circles for fifteen minutes, hah, I just want to go out with you for a while and talk about bullshit."

"I told you, I can go get my car if I need to..." He glances over at his brother from the corner of his eye. He notices his lips, almost proud of his work. "You know...your lips are really nice... And every time you bite them, it makes me want to kiss you more..." His eyes show that he's being sincere about it, and when he catches his brother's chin and kisses his already abused lips he's showing it. "It's probably not safe to do that sort of thing in public...huh..." He doesn't look like he particularly cares as his eyes shine with a slight amusement.

Then another question comes to mind, "Levi, since you've been in love with me for so long... Is there anything you've wanted to do with me? I'm not talking about sex, just anything really... I want to...apologize, I guess....for everything. So anything I can do for you, or with you... Just ask." He ruffles the shorter's hair as they stand there, on the stairs of their apartment building.
 
Levi hadn't even noticed that he was gnawing on his lip, doing it unconsciously, so when Emil zeroed in on it, he was a touch taken aback. He didn't shy away from the kiss, though, even chasing after his mouth when he pulled away. No one in the building knew that they were siblings, so it didn't exactly matter if they kissed in public, but it was still probably safer not to. He sighed, and blew out a puff of air. "I guess we probably shouldn't make out in public, yeah," he said, meeting his brother's gaze, but still deliberately ran his tongue over his lower lip, as if challenging him.

He didn't expect Emil to ask such an earnest question, and stared at him blankly for a few seconds in response. "Oh, that's one hell of a question to spring on me," he said sheepishly, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he thought. "I... honestly, I don't know," he admitted, cheeks flushing as he waffled about whether or not he should confess further. He was normally so precise with his words, but he was flustered. "You seemed so unobtainable, so I just... most of my fantasies were just sexual. Really, really sexual. I never thought, 'this could actually happen, so let's think about going on dates'. It was, 'this is my brother, who will never want me, so let's just fantasize about him fucking me against the wall or eating my ass; why does it matter?'" Levi's pale skin continued to flush, creeping up his ears. "So, I mean... I guess I just wish we had more leisurely time together, like we did when we were younger. Except this time with kissing. And sleeping in the same bed. I like that."

He smiled almost shyly, before he heard the familiar revving of a bus engine, and glanced down the street. "Oh, dang, we have perfect timing!" He grabbed Emil's hand and pulled once before dashing in the direction of the bus stop down the street, trying to ignore the way his body complained about the movement. He quickly dug in his wallet for change, shoving it into his brother's hand, and flagged the bus as it drove past. Though Levi wasn't exactly shy, he didn't make eye contact with anyone this time; he knew he looked like shit, and didn't want to deal with any judgemental stares right now. He even pulled the hood of his sweater over his head, and flopped down in an empty row near the back. If anyone stared at him and Emil, he didn't notice.

"It's not a long ride to the terminal," Levi said softly when his brother sat next to him. "Just be glad there's no one who smells really bad today. Usually there is." He chuckled, and contemplated shifting closer, but decided against it. He didn't know how many people Emil knew, but Levi knew quite a few people, several of which knew that Emil was his brother; he knew it was safer to maintain some distance in public, just in case.
 
Emil rolls his eyes mockingly, a small smile on his lips. "Mhm...and yet you do that to me...I guess you wouldn't care if I continued kissing you then." He steals another kiss, this one a bit more hungry. This really isn't a good time or place for him to make out with his partner, but he can't help but want. He presses Levi against the handrail of the stairs as he kisses him with intensity. When he pulls away he's a bit out of breath. He doesn't move away from him though, his hand cupping his brother's chin again. "If we continue this...we might get caught... What do you think the poor old lady next door to us would think? Two gay guys making out in the stairwell, we might just give her a heart attack." He chuckles and pecks his lips before moving on.

When he hears his younger brother's thoughts he's not too surprised, "Mmm...I can do that... I think I'm going to start sleeping in your bedroom anyway, it smells more like...Levi..." He then responds casually, "By the way, I can make either of those fantasies a reality whenever, just ask." Then he continues quietly down the stairs with him.

He's taken by surprise when he's dragged down the stairs and street, it was unexpected, to say the least. He pays for his own fare and follows Levi, sitting on the outside of the seat, feeling like for some reason he has to protect him almost. He watches out the window beside Levi as the bus begins rolling again. He notices their distance, but assumes it's for a reason, so doesn't move to close it. He knows many people, but that's because he's a bouncer at the bar. And it's not like any of them know any personal details, like Levi being his brother. Emil isn't exactly an open book, only disclosing his information if needed. The only one to know him, well, personally is Levi. That's because they're brothers and have been together, pretty much all of Levi's life, except when Emil moved out. But his brother followed him a few years later.

Nodding when Levi said it wouldn't be long, he quietly settles. "That's ok, you smell nice enough, I could just block it out with you..." Emil tilts his head intentionally, both ways, it cracks many times as he continues. It feels relieving almost. "Are we going to our normal doctor?" They have the same doctor, since Levi's family Emil put him on his insurance plan, so they share the same one. "I hate that guy...but if he'll help you.."
 
"No, we're going to the sexual health clinic," Levi said, fidgeting with his fingers. He needed to cut his nails. "It's free. Usually you have to wait a long time, but since it's early, we might be lucky. And they'll probably throw a bunch of condoms at me on the way out, so, y'know. Yay, free condoms." He chuckled softly, but there was still a clear nervous edge about him. "I wouldn't want to go to our regular doctor for this. I don't even think he knows I'm gay, and I don't really want to tell him. It's just easier to go to the free clinic, because there's no judgement there." At least, he hoped. It was one thing to go there and ask for an STD test; it was another thing entirely to go and explain that you're a man who was sexually assaulted, and no, you don't want to press charges, thank you very much. Levi wasn't sure he could take the humiliation, and besides, it was his fault he got into that position to begin with. Technically he had consented, right?

These thoughts consumed him as the bus drove, and his fidgeting only got worse. He had done a pretty good job at not thinking about what happened up until now, but he could only remain in denial for so long. Maybe he should just lie about it, say that his partner was well hung (not a lie) and that they just didn't prepare enough (also, technically, not a lie). Could he even call what happened assault? He had taken the asshole home, after all. Yes, he was drunk, but he wasn't that drunk, and he barely even fought back. Emil did all the fighting for him.

This time, Levi was not gnawing on his lip to try and be sexy for Emil. Now he was peeling layers of fresh skin off his lip out of anxiety, only aware that he was bleeding because of the metallic taste in his mouth. Why was he already having second thoughts about this? He needed to go to the doctor, there was no question. Just... maybe he didn't have to be honest about the reason behind his injuries. Though some of the bruises on his body were quite angry, they could still be chalked up to rough, but consensual play.

The scratches on his cock, though... those would be hard to wave away.

A deep sigh racked his body, and he gave up, resting his head against Emil's shoulder. "Please come in with me," he asked in a quiet voice. "I've decided just now that there's definitely no way I can go in there by myself." Surely Emil would understand if he wasn't completely forthcoming with the doctor. He just needed someone there to hold his hand, metaphorically or literally, otherwise he was liable to just not go in at all. He needed to see the doctor, if for no other reason than wanting to take Emil up on his offer to fulfill some of his fantasies sooner rather than later.
 
Emil sighs in relief, he's not sure if he wanted their normal doctor to know about it either. He moves his hand to Levi's hair, gently running his fingers through it, he hopes this seems like, to whoever may know they're brothers, that Emil is just comforting Levi. Which he is, he just hopes no one takes it as they're in a relationship of the sort that they're actually in. He watches as his brother falls into thought, feeling quite bad, his injuries are nowhere near as complicated as Levi's. He can just tell the truth, he got into a tussle with some guy over something stupid. Levi's injuries though, they're not exactly something you want to go around telling everyone. He leans down so it looks like he's whispering to the raven, but he kisses his cheek instead. "I'm here for you." Then he adds something as only a half-joke, "I'll beat up anyone that messes with you, just like when we were kids." It's not like his brother is incapable of protecting himself, but Emil is the bigger of the two of them, plus he's a bouncer, and someone that gets into tussles more often than he'd like to admit right now. He chuckles quietly, brushing Levi's hair behind his ear.

When Levi starts peeling off the skin on his lips Emil starts to worry. "Levi...stop worrying, you'll be fine..." He continues stroking his brother's hair, "It's not like I'm letting you go in there alone... You have to go though... Just know if I'm sitting in the room glaring, it's not at you, it's at the fucker that hurt you in the first place..." Just thinking about it makes his blood boil. He knows if Levi hadn't stopped him he would have killed the man. He still would now, if he wasn't concerned about upsetting his younger brother.

He feels Levi's head rest on his shoulder, so he's pulled out of his rage over the man that hurt his brother. Emil nods, "Of course I'll come in with you... I wanted to anyway..." His fingers continue gently running through his brother's dark locks. He finds Levi's hand with his free one and grasps it, slowly intertwining their fingers because they're out of sight. He closes his eyes, leaning his head against Levi's. Their height difference isn't as bad as it is when they're sitting since most of Emil's height is in his legs. Of course there's still quite a bit of difference, so he scoots down a bit, so it's more convenient to be like this. He whispers quietly, "I love you, Levi... I'll keep you safe..."

The bus comes to a stop shortly after, and Emil silently pulls Levi up with him. He doesn't let go of his hand, and keeps their fingers laced together. He doesn't feel like releasing his hand, wanting to reassure him as best as he can. If someone sees them and thinks something about it, Emil will just write it off as comforting his brother, and it should end the problem. He lets his thumb gently stroke Levi's hand. Now to wait for the next bus to go to the clinic. "And if you're going to come with me to see if I'm crazy, I have to come and help you when you're hurt." He chuckles and pulls him along to a bench to wait with him.
 
Levi appreciated all of Emil's affection, even if it was no doubt a bit strange to see two men being so touchy in public. He had no real verbal response to any of his brother's words; he just smiled or huffed or nodded, until he whispered that he loved him, and he felt his stomach start to twist up. "I love you, too," he murmured, almost breathlessly, like he was about to start crying. He wasn't, though; his eyes were dry, and his heart was empty.

He filed off of the bus in silence, letting Emil basically drag him out of it. The closer they got to the clinic, the worse Levi's thoughts became. He was close to just saying 'fuck it' and turning back, but he had his brother here with him, trying to keep him grounded. He laughed in response to Emil's joke, but it echoed humourlessly. His brother was being so gentle with him, so kind, so protective. He was pushing the boundaries of acceptable affection, just to try to comfort him. He was behaving like he genuinely loved Levi.

It was almost painful.

Whereas earlier he was able to lavish in the thoughts that Emil truly loved him, and they could make this work, Levi's anxiety had taken over. He somehow knew that this was just the calm before the storm, like it had been so many times before. There was no possible way that this could last. Sooner rather than later, Levi would do something to make Emil snap, and who knew what he could do when that happened? Maybe he would try to 'violate' him again. Maybe he would succeed. Maybe he'd attack him, instead of going out and getting in a scuffle with a stranger. Maybe he would repeat all those awful words he said to him just the other day, making him feel worse than trash.

This kind, doting Emil wasn't the real Emil, was it? It hurt, knowing that this wouldn't last, that this affection could disappear at any moment. God, he was starting to feel ill. He didn't want to puke in public; that would be mortifying, and he didn't have any water with him, to wash out the taste. Levi tensed, and subtly drove a fist into his stomach, hoping that it would help the nausea pass. It didn't, not really, and suddenly the sparse crowd at the bus station felt overwhelming. He felt like they were all staring at him, that they knew what he did, what happened to him, that they knew that he was dirty and diseased and broken. He squeezed Emil's hand, and prayed that the bus would arrive sooner rather than later.

It did, arriving a mere five minutes after their first bus departed. He was lucky today.

Ignoring the questioning glances of the bus driver and other passengers, Levi didn't let go of Emil's hand as they boarded the bus. He didn't let go of it as they walked to the back, or when they sat down. He didn't want to let go at all; he had this crazy belief that the moment he did, Emil would snap, and go back to being a monster, and he couldn't handle that right now. He knew he was panicking - he had suffered panic attacks in the past - but it was hard to calm himself. His heart hammered in his chest, and his limbs felt numb. He stared blankly forward and barely noticed when the bus started to move; the stiff way he had been sitting, combined with the sudden jerk of the bus crawling forward, had Levi almost falling into Emil's lap, but he managed to right himself before that happened, at least.

When he looked up at his brother, Levi's eyes were glassy, like he might start crying, but he couldn't. He knew he would probably feel better if he did cry, but not only did he dislike the idea of crying in public, he also wasn't sure he was physically capable of crying at the moment. "Do you know where the clinic is?" He asked breathlessly. "In case I miss it..." His mind was in tatters right now. "I'll try my hardest to pay attention." And then hope that once they got off of the bus, he would be able to open the door to the clinic, and not start puking his guts out in front of it.
 
Emil could see that Levi is thinking to hard. Probably getting stupid thoughts, he wants to pull him away, keep him there and make him relax somehow. He doesn't like seeing Levi like this, it doesn't bode well with him. He could tell, because he'd seen it happen before, that his brother is going into a panic attack. They always make Emil worry, when he cares at least, he knows when he's angry he doesn't... He just watches his brother, wanting to embrace him. And he does, when they're on the bus, in the back. "Levi, calm down... There's nothing to worry about... I've got you..." He begins stroking his brother's hair again. "I won't get angry, not right now..." He feels like that's part of his problem, he's afraid of Emil snapping. He hopes what he's saying is true, he doesn't know himself, sometimes, stupid little things piss him off.

Emil knows holding his brother like this in public might be problematic, but it doesn't matter. Not to him, at least. "Just calm down, please... I'll figure it out... I always do..." He leans down, out of sight of the other patrons, and begins lying gentle kisses along Levi's neck. "I'll try to stay this way for as long as I can... And soon I'll get medicine for it, so you won't have to ever worry again..." He continues the kisses whispering reassuring words against his skin. "Please, Levi, we'll be there soon and we'll get in and then out.. And then we can go home, and you can take a bath... Afterwards, we can put in a movie or something, or hell, we can just sleep if you want... We'll do whatever you want..." He feels like his affections might be what's causing Levi's stress, afraid that he might suddenly get mad. But Emil feels like he needs to reassure the raven anyway.

There's not much he can do on a bus, but one thing he can do is pull Levi into his lap and hold him. So it's what he does. He rocks them back and forth gently, trying to comfort the smaller. "I'm sorry that I scare you... I can't blame you for it, I caused it... I just wish I could make up for it, and wipe away all the fear...but I know it'll always be there. It'll never go away, and you'll never be able to fully trust me. That's fine though, it's safer for you that way..." He breathes quietly, his breathing stopping momentarily. He doesn't notice the stop in air, focused solely on Levi.
 
As his brother tried to soothe him, Levi tensed up, and looked at him with an almost wounded expression. Was Emil a mind reader, or was his fear just written all over his face? Part of him wanted to wriggle away when he started to hold him, but he couldn't. He selfishly wanted to let Emil hold him like this, shush him, treat him like a fragile doll, for as long as he could get away with. Was it really wrong to enjoy it while he could? He let out a shaky sigh as his brother kissed along his neck, and squeezed his hand so tightly that his knuckles started to turn white. Emil was right; Levi needed to calm down.

It was just an exam. He would get checked out, and tested for the few STDs that could be detected this early, and then he could go home. He didn't have to tell him about how he got these injuries, right? He could just lie. Yeah... he could lie. Lying was easy. The truth was hard. He couldn't take the judgement, the 'well, did you provoke him?', the 'didn't you consent?', the 'well, you never said to stop'. He couldn't take it, because it was all true. Just like how every time Emil attacked him, it had really been Levi's fault. Levi always did something dumb to provoke him. Always.

Though his body was still tense with anxiety, the slight rocking motion of Emil's arms and the heat of his body made him feel marginally better. He was sure he looked utterly ridiculous, but that was the least of his concern right now. If Emil didn't care, then Levi didn't. His stomach twisted when his brother said he understood that he would never be able to trust him; it made him feel guilty. "Love you," he murmured, nosing Emil's cheek. "No matter what." And that wasn't a lie.

With Emil's assistance, Levi was able to stay cognizant enough to keep track of where they were, and pulled the stop when they got close. The stop was right in front of the clinic, which he was grateful for. He really didn't want to walk very far. Still holding onto his brother's hand, he lead them off the bus, but stopped dead in front of the clinic doors. He needed to gather his courage, first, which took a solid minute of solid breathing. The door chime sent a chill down his spine.

He felt himself relax just slightly when he noticed that the waiting room was almost empty. There were three other people, looking almost just as miserable as he was, sitting on opposite sides of the room. That meant that he wouldn't need to wait for long. Hopefully. He shot Emil one last vulnerable look before letting go of his hand, and walking up to the desk. He must have looked as terrified as he felt, because the middle-aged woman working there gave him a soft smile, and spoke up first.

"Are you here as a walk-in?" She asked. Levi nodded stiffly.

"Yeah," he said. The woman nodded, to let him know she heard him, and started to gather some papers. She then handed him two sheets on a clipboard and a pen.

"Just fill this out, sweetheart, and bring it back to me," she explained. Levi thanked his lucky stars that she wasn't making him explain out loud why he was here. He nodded again and took the clipboard, walking stiffly into the room, and sitting carefully down as far away from the other people as he could. He didn't gesture for Emil to sit next to him, but he did leave a space open for him.

The form was detailed and a bit daunting, but Levi filled it out diligently. He had done this once before, but that was just for a routine STD check, after one of his partners had cheated on him. This was something else entirely. He stumbled over 'sexuality', for some stupid reason, and when asked to check what he was there for (checking 'sexual health tests/treatment/check-up'), stared at the boxes asking him if he 'had symptoms or a problem'. The words made him feel sick again. He checked off 'yes' with a shaky hand, and then dropped the form off with the receptionist when he was finished.

"It shouldn't be too long," she said, giving him another soft smile. "Maybe thirty minutes maximum. Have a seat." Levi tried to smile back, but he felt like his face might crack if he did.

He collapsed back into his seat, instantly wincing and doubling forward when pain shot through his core from his careless movements. "Fuck," he whimpered, curling a hand in his hair and pulling once before burying his face in his hands. "This is fucking stupid, Emil." His voice was small and muffled, and cracked as he felt his throat close up and his eyes sting with tears. "It hurts so bad. Everything hurts." He wasn't even just talking about his body; his heart, his mind, his fucking soul hurt. He wanted to curl up and die.
 
Emil looks at Levi with watchful, concerned eyes. When Levi says he loves him he nods, "I love you too, Levi... Even if I don't seem like I do sometimes, I promise I do..." He continues to watch his brother carefully as they leave the bus, and when they stand in front of the clinic. He notices that his brother really isn't doing well so he wills him in. And he follows him in quickly when his hand is dropped he feels a bit more worried, afraid Levi might freak out again. Luckily there didn't seem to be many people there, so maybe they'd be able to do this quickly. And the faster they got home, the longer he could hold Levi and not worry about being seen.

He stands by the door until Levi sits down, settling next to him. He doesn't watch him fill out the form, not wanting to make his brother uncomfortable. He looks at the others in the room, studying them and noticing how miserable all of them look. He doesn't like this place, too miserable, but Levi needs to be here.

Levi sits down, more like drops down into the chair and Emil winces for him. There's no way that didn't hurt. And that thought is confirmed by Levi doubling over and reacting to it. "I know... I'm so sorry... Levi..." He glances around at the other people in the clinic. There's other people here, and it sucks. He thinks to himself before he moves, crouching down in front of Levi. The fact that Levi's leaning forward, his longer hair covering his face from others. And no one should be able to tell anyway when he kisses Levi's lips gently, since they're in a corner, angled away from everyone. All that should be seen is that there are the two of them, and Emil's reassuring his brother. There's no way they could tell he's kissing his brother. "Levi...tell me everything when we get home, okay? I'll try to make all your pain go away..." He's whispering quietly. "I'll do anything you like...if it'll make everything stop hurting."

He doesn't move for a long time, keeping their foreheads pressed together, his breathing becoming in time with Levi's. Occasionally he'll lie his lips on Levi's, trying to show him he's here and everything's going to be okay, and that he loves him. They're being extremely touchy for two men of their age, but if it'll help Levi, just like all day, he doesn't care.

When they're called, after what seems like a short amount of time Emil stands, stretching his legs. They're asleep from crouching for so long. Momentarily he thinks about getting himself checked for any STDs, he doesn't remember the last time he had, and he's slept with quite a few people since then. Of course, no signs had presented themselves. And right now he needed to be with Levi anyway. So he shakes off the thought and follows Levi and the doctor back to a room. He hears the doctor ask if Emil is allowed in, since this is a very private matter, and despite knowing Levi wants him to come with him, for some reason he's still worried Levi will say no. He'd listen, of course, but he wants to make sure his brother is OK.
 
Levi's breath hitched as Emil crouched before him, and felt his jaw quiver when he kissed him. There was no way he was going to let himself cry here, but he was feeling so overwhelmed, so frustratingly weak. He couldn't even summon the energy to care that his brother was kissing him in public. It was a small comfort, this affection, and he couldn't bring himself to shove him away. He didn't know what his brother meant by 'tell him everything', and didn't want to ask. What more was there to tell? "Okay," he whispered hoarsely, taking Emil's hands and squeezing them. "Thank you."

Even though it was barely fifteen minutes before he was called, Levi felt like he had been sitting there for an eternity. His stomach flipped precariously as he got to his feet, and it took everything he had to summon the will to move his legs. When asked by the doctor if he wanted Emil to come in with him, he looked almost surprised, like he hadn't been expecting the question - but of course he had.

"Yes," he said, nodding. "He's my brother." The doctor did a poor job at masking her surprise, but Levi was too exhausted to care. She nodded and lead the two of them into an examination room, gesturing for Levi to sit up on the table.

"What brings you here today?" She asked. Levi couldn't even look at her; he fidgeted with his hands and tensed up. It was now or never; he had to decide whether or not he was going to be honest. In the end, he decided to tell the half-truth.

"I had an unpleasant encounter with someone," he explained, his normally calm voice wavering. The doctor nodded, waiting for him to continue; he didn't miss how she spared Emil a glance. "I... tore something. And there was no condom, so I just wanted to check if..." He was sure it was written all over his face that this was more than just an 'unpleasant' encounter. He didn't dare to look at the doctor's face as he said this.

"How long ago did this happen?" She asked carefully.

"Three days ago," Levi murmured. He heard her type something into her computer. His insides turned.

"Were you assaulted, Mr. Wong-Mueller?"

Levi wanted to throw up. He wrapped his arms tightly around his midsection.

"No," he lied. "It was consensual. He was just - rough. That's all." Silence. He was sure the doctor did not believe him, but she wouldn't press, would she? Technically they couldn't force you to admit to assault, right? You had to consent to that kind of thing, and he didn't consent.

"This is a safe space, Mr. Wong-Mueller," the doctor said softly. He knew she was urging him to tell the truth.

"It was consensual." More silence. Levi brought a hand to his mouth, and imagined throwing up all over the floor. His stomach clenched. The doctor spared Emil another glance, and then sighed.

"I'll examine you first, if that's all right with you," she said, standing up. Levi nodded stiffly. "Would you like your brother to stay with you during the examination?" Levi finally looked up, and glanced at Emil. No, he really didn't. He didn't want Emil to see him like that. He didn't want him to get angry, and more importantly, he didn't want him to be disgusted by his horrible, broken body. He shook his head.

"Emil, could you wait outside?" He asked hoarsely, a pleading look in his dark eyes. He had definitely wanted Emil to be here, before they walked in, but now he couldn't stand the thought. He knew that the doctor would try to ask him again, once he was gone, but he would stand his ground.
 
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