Kinda Need Help, Also Just Want it off my Chest. (

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Mythy the Dragon-Wolf, Feb 24, 2016.

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  1. So. Something that has happened to me a lot lately, and I'm sure some of you, is RP partners disappearing on you without a word. Sure, I realize that life can get shitty and you leave without being able to give warning. I get that, I really do. But when it happens over and over and over, I start to wonder if it's something about me that chases them away.

    You go through the brainstorming process with them, you come up with an idea you're really into, you make the thread or PM, and poof, they're gone. And what's worse is when you get a few posts or pages in, and then they disappear, leaving that wonderful story in a state of limbo.

    And it's even worse when you PM said player because you have seen them online, and then they look at your PM and never message you back. And I know that they have seen my message, because it says to in the PM, it says the last time they viewed the conversation. Even worse than that is when you see them actively posting in other threads. That really makes me wonder if it's me.

    Now, I realize I probably shouldn't take this personally. But the thing is, I am a very socially-oriented person. I like to talk and make freinds. I am sensitive and quite empathetic, and I worry too much about other's opinions of me. Taking into account my Autism Spectrum Disorder and horrible past at school, I really start to hurt when people disappear on me like that.

    Was it something I did? Are you just done with the RP? Did I mess Up? Can I make it better? Can I fix it? It always hurts when those questions aren't answered because I start to beat myself up over it. I blame myself for them leaving and ignoring me, which makes me evermore desperate to find and keep new RP freinds.

    And when I start to hurt too much, from any reason, I start to question my value as a living being. I start to fall again into my dark areas. "I'm pathetic. I'm fucking worthless. I have no reason to live." Those are the things that start running through my head when I get down that deep, and it is always very hard to drag myself up from those depths.

    Stuff like this has been happening to me for a while now, and it's really starting to bother me. I love roleplaying, and the partners who stay with me, I love them as close freinds. But every time Someone seems to just blow me off, I hurt. And I'm starting to hurt so much I am scared to try and find new roleplays for fear that it will happen again.

    So, if any of you guys could help me, give me some words, anything, I would appreciate it. I just don't know what to do, or how to not care.
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  2. I know how you feel when it comes to that, and I know how hurtful it can be.

    you probably heard a lot of crap from people, and i'm probably not going to do much better

    To, be honest I'm really sure if I can say anything, I'm going through the same crap, so I'm not the best person for this situation
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  3. I think it would help to remember the kind of community Iwaku has.

    A bunch of writers yes, but also a lot of people who are introverted, and the majority of which also struggle with something mentally (to the point those without anything are outside the norm).
    You're going to get a large mix of those who just don't like being social much (we've had members here admit they'd just close the door in even their closest friends faces), those who are extremely shy/nervous, those who are lost in many social interaction's etc.

    Why am I mentioning this?
    Because it all contributes to why someone might just dip from an RP, and why they'd actively avoid explaining themselves.
    If people find the RP too intimidating they could just crack, or even if they dropped it for other reasons having to tell the other person isn't pleasant.
    Everyone has that temptation to just bail and not have to explain yourself, and the more terrified/awkward you are in social settings the easier it is to give into said temptation.
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  4. @vgamesreactions
    thank you for trying.

    @Gwazi Magnum
    To be honest, it doesn't help that much. Not because I don't care, but because I am in the same boat.

    It's just that, knowing that the other might be struggling with their own demons, many of which could also be attributed to myself, doesn't help me when I have demons related to abandonment.

    Thank you for your words, though.
    #4 Mythy the Dragon-Wolf, Feb 24, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016
  5. Well I don't think there's any combination of words that can simply get rid of demons like that.

    At a certain point those are pressures one has to overcome themselves (and no, I'm not saying "snap out of it" or some other stupid/ignorant shit like that), not something any forum chat has the answer for.
    But a step towards overcoming it can be recognizing that much of the time people who act that way aren't doing it over you, but are doing it cause of their own problems. Even if it doesn't do much by itself, it open's the door of your own demons by showing it as more of an Internal problem (so fixable) rather than an external problem (up to other people).

    After that step? I'm not a professional so I can't say for sure. But I would suspect it'd be something along the lines of asking yourself 'why' you feel that way. Is it just something that's always been there (so possibly not enough serotonin or dopamine in the brain), was there a specific instance that caused it to happen, was it a more something that built up from multiple smaller instances? If so what were some of the bigger one's within those multiple influences?

    And then once you establish a cause, you can start thinking of ways to fight against it.
    Basically, think of your own Demons as a symptom and look to find out the root cause that's causing the symptom to appear in the first place.
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  6. It's not you. Players dropping without a word happens all the time. Which is annoying enough in group RP's, but I can only imagine how tough it must be in 1x1's, where you rely completely on one person. :/

    Point is, though, lots of people are just afraid to say that they don't want to RP anymore. It could be a shyness/social anxiety issue (like Gwazi mentioned), but, it could also just be that people are afraid of saying something harmful, so they don't say anything at all -- knowing they're leaving their partner hanging but not having the nerve to actually say anything. Problem is, not saying anything hurts way more than being blunt and honest about it, and I really wish more people knew that. >>

    The important thing is: it's not you. It's difficult enough to find a good partner as it is, so it's natural that many of them won't work out for you. And, when the person on the other end realizes they aren't quite feeling up to it anymore, some of those people will say something to you -- others won't. It's unfortunate, but also kind of unavoidable. :/ Point is, not only does it have nothing to do with you, but it's also something that happens to everyone here. I may not do 1x1 RP's, but I've been a GM in group RP's for long enough to know that expecting people to not drop out is absurdly idealistic. Drop-outs will happen. You just have to hope that they'll at least say something to you when they decide to leave.

    Perhaps it would help if you specified with people that, if they decide to drop, you want to be told about it? That's generally what I do with my RP's. In both the general rules list and in PM's when I'm trying to get a hold of players I haven't heard from in a while, I always emphasize that telling me the truth is a thousand times better than leaving without a word. Like I said, lots of players don't say anything about leaving because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or they're worried that you'll be mad if they say they don't want to RP anymore. If you emphasize that you'd rather hear the truth, then they might be more likely to say something.

    That said, be sure to take drop-outs in stride. You can't tell someone that you'd rather hear the truth, only to get mad when someone actually gives it to you. That's only going to make them less likely to say anything in the future with other partners. And don't try to pressure them into staying, either. You can't force anyone to stay if they've lost the interest for it. If anything, all you're going to be able to do is convince someone to stick around just a bit longer, only for them to want to leave again after a while -- and they're going to be a lot less likely to say anything this time. :/ Like I said, you can't totally prevent drop-outs. And if someone does tell you that they're dropping out -- be thankful that they said something, and let them leave peacefully. You just might boost their confidence and make them more likely to say something in the future. ^^ It's the reason why I try to stay positive when dealing with drop-out messages -- avoiding saying anything more than "aww, we'll miss you!" on the negative side of things. That way, people don't have to feel like I'm upset by it or anything -- therefore I'm not making them feel bad for speaking up. If people are afraid of saying anything because they're afraid it will be an unpleasant experience, then I want to make sure that they have a good experience when they do tell me. You know, positive reinforcements and all that.

    ...Er, I got off-topic. Bottom line is, it isn't your fault. That's the important thing.

    Hopefully you'll have better luck in the future -- not only at retaining partners but also at getting actual notices from the partners who do drop-out.
    #6 Kagayours, Feb 24, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016
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  7. @Kaga-kun

    Thank you. However, what am I to do if I do as you say, and ask them if they are done with our RP, and that I would appreciate a word, and they still don't respond? That has also happened a few times.
  8. There isn't much else you can do, unfortunately. You'd just have to accept it as a loss and move on.
  9. Yeah, what Opal said. :/ Reminding people that you'd prefer an answer will probably help, but it isn't a guarantee. Whenever I'm in that situation, I usually reach the point where I decide I'm going to send one, final PM to someone where I really emphasize that it would be better to get a straight answer. If there's still nothing, then I really have no choice but to assume they've dropped out and move on.

    Like I said, drop-outs are inevitable, and you can really only hope that people will be polite enough to say something. You can try to make it easier for them, but, in the end, you can't really force anyone to give you an answer. :/ It's unfortunate, but there's nothing you can do.

    That said, even in cases like these, you still shouldn't blame yourself. It's still just a shy RPer who's afraid of saying something for whatever reason. The only difference is that the ones who still don't reply even after giving them an encouraging poke are just, well, apparently a bit more shy. :/
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  10. While I'm not sure how much this might help, there are a number of reasons why someone might just drop a RP without inclination.its important to mention that, through all of them, one thing remains true: They are trying not to hurt your feeling by telling you where interest was lost. Sometimes they don't want to fix anything, and cold-cutting ties is the best option.

    It's important to know that's its almost never just one of these. It's often a combination of two or more.

    1.General loss of interest. Maybe things are getting dull, it's not living up to luster, or maybe you hit a post that is just too much of a bother to reply too. Maybe it's a Monday.

    2. Life happens. Pretty self explanatory. If you're not feeling up to RP, you won't RP.

    3. Difference in ability. Tolerable to a point, but when combined with something like losing interest or getting bored, you're super short or super long post becomes a chore.

    4. Lack of agency. You're partners characters seem to have almost no impact on the direction the RP is going. Or, you yourself are just happy to go along with the ride and contribute little.

    5. OOC melancholy. Not everyone is quick to be friends. Maybe someone is too talkative or not talkative enough for the others liking. Maybe things get too personal too quickly. Try keeping the topic on the RP at large, friendship will either happen or it won't.

    6. Doomed from the start. Some stories are simply doomed or flawed from the get go, and will only go so far. Be it a climax that comes so early that there's nothing else of interest after, or you paired a mute with a blind person. People will want to abandon ship even after starting just to see where it goes.

    Combine any of these you want and try to look at things objectively. If you are guilty of any of these, be honest with yourself and be mindful of it for the future. Reconnecting with partners who went cold can be awkward for them and probably won't happen, but remain warm about it and there's a chance. I recommend pretending your previous RP never even happened and you're meeting anew as if for the first time, and don't expect a reply in return.

    I hope this helps. Again: They more than likely don't hate you. They didn't want to hurt your feelings.
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  11. I’m so sorry, @The Mythic Dragon.

    I really am. I am trying to get better. If I am honest. Just sometimes I only get on for ChaRP. Cause I need something specific about that type of RP.

    I am an asshole.

    You are a great RPer. I love the RP. I just have a bad habit of not responding to things in a timely manner. Or not responding to messages when I see them. I do it on Facebook. I don’t respond to my girlfriends texts sometimes.

    It isn’t you, mate. I’m just an asshole who doesn’t respond well.

    My girlfriend hates when I RP when she is with me, and I only get to see her every few weekends. So When I get back, if I don’t have any alerts or a message, then I forget about a lot of RP’s. Not because they are boring, or not good. But because I just have so much on my plate with things. I’m the opposite. I’m scared of conflict and telling people things, so I try to avoid them. So If I’m going away for awhile, I hate telling someone that, in fear they may just want to stop the RP.

    As I said, I am an asshole. I’m sorry. I have been doing better recently, and I plan to keep doing better.
    #11 Boba Fit, Mar 2, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016
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