Just to hear your thoughts

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Aleina, Jan 19, 2015.

  1. I'm here more to just hear your thoughts on this brief prequel to my twin characters and how they got separated from their parents. I'm seeking encouraging comments about the basic structure of my writing as well as vocabulary usage, but most of all, I just want to know what you think. Is this an acceptable way for people to become separated in medieval/fantasy stories? What changes would you make?

    This is just a short scene I wrote on the spot. I wanted to introduce the MCs' parents and what really happened to them.

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    The woman looked at the two young boys with tears in her eyes. This was goodbye. As much as she hated to think of it that way, it was true. She would never see her precious sons grow into the brave young men she knew they would become. She quickly ushered them into the back room that contained the hidden entrance to the escape tunnels her great grandfather had built years ago. As she placed the heavy packs onto each boy's shoulders she forced a smile and bent down to meet their eyes.

    "You boys be brave for your papa and I, ok? Everything you will need is in those bags. I want you boys to stay away from here for as long as possible and don't stay in one place for too long. Once you run out of supplies you are to return here. These men should be gone by then, and in their place, someone will be here to take care of you until the time comes for you two to be on your own. Do not tell anyone about this place. Only a select few are allowed to know its location. Above all else, avoid being seen by anyone and you should be fine." She said as she took the boys' faces into her hands and smiled. "And never forget that whenever the stars shine, we are with you."

    After her instructions, a man rushed in from the other room, his face red with both anger and labor. "The front door has been sealed shut to the best of my ability, but it won't hold them out for long." He said as he noticed that she was still not prepared to leave. "Where's your stuff? Those men will be in here in any minute! You need to leave before they see you!"

    "I'm not going anywhere. You will not die alone!" She said with as much insistence as she could possibly let out. "I made a promise when I married you that I would be with you to the very end, even if it meant my own destruction. We are to face these men together. We will negotiate until there is nothing left to give, but our children are staying out of it. As far as I know, they have no knowledge of their existence so they should be safe. They will be in more danger if they are seen with me. They will know who they are and they will kill them too. That is why our boys must escape without us."

    The man looked her in the eyes and knew that she was right. He couldn't possibly deny her the right to fight beside her husband, but every instinct in his body was telling him that he needed to protect his family. At some point he knew that it was wrong to make his wife endure the same pain he would inevitably suffer, but it certainly wasn't any better to allow his sons to suffer the same fate, and they needed to live on so that their own death would not go in vain. He nodded to his wife and turned to his boys.

    "You both stay hidden, and should anyone discover who you really are, these will keep the knowledge from spreading." He said as he handed each boy a sheathed blade. "I would hate to see you boys use these at such a young age, but they are only to be used as a last resort. Don't use them unless it is absolutely necessary, do you understand?"

    Both boys nodded and the man patted them each on the shoulder before giving them both a lasting embrace and ushering them through the tunnel entrance. It was the last time he would see his sons, but he knew that they were better off without them. As he thought this, he closed the door that concealed the hidden tunnel entrance and turned to face his doom with his wife at his side.