Just need help..

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Melon, Jan 3, 2015.

  1. Well, this holiday season has been the worst I've had. Me and my boyfriend just recently broke up, which is not a very pleasant thing to deal with. My panic attacks have gotten worse to the point that I will throw up everytime I have one- which is quite often. It's so hard pretending like everything is ok. I can barely fake a smile anymore. I can't eat anymore without getting sick, yet I'm gaining weight. I've always struggled to see myself as attractive, or worth anything at all.

    I have gone back to cutting, no longer on my arms. That's too obvious. I've been cutting my stomach and thighs to the point that the cuts are ALWAYS there. I'm not proud of it, but it helps me in the moment. I see a therapist and and a psychiatrist, but they don't really help. They just put me on tons of medication. Then if I get too bad, my parents threaten to take me back to a psychiatric hospital. (A story I never want to go into) I honestly contemplate on whether or not to take my life. I've attempted it before, and obviously I wasn't successful.

    Then, my "friend" decided to continue to cyber bully me. Saying I was worth nothing, everyone hated me, etc. I ended up dropping her from my life, despite her attempting to apologize. Over-all, I just can't hardly take breathing anymore. It's like every moment I'm alive is a struggle. I'm terrified of myself, I'm scared of all the thoughts I have. I feel like I'm completely insane, which I probably am. I guess I just kind of need advice. I've struggled with all of my depression and anxiety since I was eleven, and I see no way out.
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  2. Do you want a hug? I feel like you need a hug *offers a hug* I wish I knew magic words to help you but I don't have any. Have you tried going to a different therapist? Maybe this particular therapist and/or psychiatrist isn't the right one for you. I really don't want to see anyone cut themselves, but I can't just make you stop. I'm pretty sure I've seen your pictures in the Picture thread and I remember you being a beautiful person. That "friend" clearly wasn't a friend and you did the right thing in dropping her from your life. You need positive things to try and help you. I can't say much about what can or can't help but maybe you should try the whole, getting a different therapist. or say "Hey, I don't like how the medications make me feel" or whatever the problem may be. I don't know if what I'm saying is helpful, but I'm here saying you are worth it.
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  3. I've got two pieces of advice I can offer you.

    First, cling to the good things like a drowning guy clinging to a piece of floating wood. Find points of positivity in your life and focus on them. Got some friends who are actually friends and not assholes, or some supportive family members? Talk to them, go do things with them if possible, and tell them of your current troubles if you feel up to it. Interacting with people who truly care for you can be a rather good way to remind yourself that you're not alone, and seeing that you're worth something to other people can help to counter-balance that lack of feelings of self worth. Aside from that, try some non-destructive coping mechanisms. Do things you enjoy to try to take your mind off the bad stuff. Write about what you're feeling, even if you're never going to share it with others. Go exercise to get that natural rush of endorphins that make you feel good. So on and so forth.

    Second, basically an echo of what Luna said, seek out different medical professionals if your current ones aren't working out for you. They might have other methods (including being less heavy on the medication) that appeal to you and help you more than what you're currently getting. If that's just not possible for you at the moment, talk to the current people you're seeing and voice your concerns/dissatisfaction. If your current medication isn't working out for you, make that clear to them and they ought to change or adjust it. Any kind of therapy should be tailored to your needs and work to help you, so if that's not happening then you need to take some action to make it happen.
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  4. I don't know how much help I can be to you... but I feel I know how you feel. I read through your post and felt like, at points, I was reading about what I was feeling around my grammar school and high school years and even now. I myself suffer through panic attacks quiet frequently, most of them ending with me throwing up as well. I do not know how long your attacks last, because everyone is different and a panic attack can last 4 hours for some and last only 20 minutes for others. And I've just recently stopped self harming myself, it's going to 3 years in exactly a month today. I cut in the same areas you are now harming but I did other things to hurt myself. I understand that it is the only thing that seems to help. For me, it helped me feel like I was actually there, not an emptiness that just watches everyone else's life be lived. It was my minds way of understanding that I was alive. That I can feel something.

    The advice I can give you is to, one, sit your parents down. Ask them, both, to give you the time and the patience from them that you need to explain your feelings to them. If they CANNOT promise to sit QUIETLY and CALMLY, you do not tell them how you feel. They need to be quiet and calm while you speak and, most importantly, they need to listen to you. I do not know what kind of people your parents are. You might have better luck writing all of your emotions down in a letter, one for each of them, and giving it to them to read, like I did with my parents when I wanted help. But YOU need to want their help. You need to be comfortable enough to try to explain to them how you feel, what is constantly going on through your mind. There is no point in going to a psychiatric ward when you are not willing to get better. It WILL make you feel worse then you already do. This is the opposite of what you want, what anyone feeling like this, would want.

    Two, get rid of everything you use to cut yourself. This is the hardest step and is almost impossible to do when you are alone, so I suggest doing this with your parents once they calmly understand that you want the help and they understand the difficulty for you to ask them for help; that you can admit that you can't do it on your own. You have to take it slow and breath while taking EVERY blade or sharp instrument and putting it into a bag or basket. Once every stash of yours is empty (If you have more then one place to hide your blades) you give them to you parents and you have to let them dispose of them without you seeing. Leave the house, sit in the bathroom, put headphones on and blindfold yourself, but you cannot know where the blades are going. And once they are gone, find things to do during your urges. Learn to play an instrument, read books, go walking, crochet hats or scarves or write. ANYTHING to keep your mind busy helps. things that can frustrate you, challenge you to do better help as well. Even giving yourself a challenge to do while watching a tv show helps.

    Third, go to a new therapist. Do the research yourself on the possible person. Now and days everyone writes a review so find them and read. If, out of ten reviews, more then 3 people dislike said person, move on. A therapist is there for you to express your emotions, your thoughts, your troubles and your problems too without having them take a side. They are a third party, a person to vent to. But not all enjoy their jobs and would prefer to hand off patients to a psychiatrist to give them medication, when the person might not need the medication. You need someone who will sit there quietly and LISTEN to you. Your psychiatrist, talk to them about how the medication makes you feel. Explain it to them in detail. Tell them everything that happens when you take them and then ask for something that won't make you feel that way. They are there to help, but it's not their fault that the medications react one way with a persons body. That is why you talk to them and they change the medication until you feel better. It's a long process and it is painful, but the moment the medication actually works like it is supposed to, you really do feel better. But if you do not trust that doctor, I would also change them and do your own research for the next one.

    And lastly, sometimes a stranger you see face to face once, twice, three times a week, is not enough. Having someone who you can call a friend is important, but it is not the most important thing. That person was never your friend. Someone who suddenly starts bullying does so because it has either been on their mind the whole time they've known you and they finally do it because they got board with being nice or has changed and now finds treating others like crap, fun. Sometimes, but rarely, it is because they themselves are being abused but that's not always the case. Be patient and quiet. There is a line, from a poem I found in an old journal years ago, that I now I live by, "Sit quiet and silent, patient and observant. Do this and the world will give up the secrets you deserve; the secrets you desire." I always interpreted this as, if I am quiet and observant, I will learn more about the people around me to choose who I want to let into my life. You can do this too. There are decent people in this world and they will find their way to you, you just have to be patient and careful in the mean time. But do not let your heart become cold and uncaring. Because you only hurt yourself and anyone else who actually cares for you, like I had done.

    It may sound cheesy... but with time, everything will get better... but you have to make it so. Be happy but be strong. Work for your happiness... even if you feel like ending it all would be so much easier... it will only prove to everyone who pushed you to that point that you were weak. They will pity you and feel sorry for you, but, as harsh as it sounds, they will forget you, because you gave up. Nothing in life comes easy. Happiness is one of these things... and you will have to work hard to get even a small amount of it.

    But you have to realize... everyone deserves to be happy... everyone deserves at least happiness... even the people who are so broken inside that being happy makes them feel guilty, even they have to realize that THEY deserve happiness. WE deserve happiness. We deserve to feel better. We deserve to live and no one can put a price on our life but ourselves.

    I hope my words encourage you... or even just help you know you are not alone and I am always willing to talk if you need someone to talk with in those rough times.

    -hugs you tight- <3
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  5. Hello Mel <3

    I have struggled with similar issues throughout the years. My depression and anxiety seem to feed off of one another and it does get to the point where I have no idea where to turn at times. I think, for me anyway, having an additional outlet is essential to help balance out that negative depression/anxiety, hot mess of a feeling. Before, I would have a hard time redirecting my thoughts. It's not always successful, but I have to try. I don't trust myself to be medicated, if you catch my drift. My addictive personality complicates that.

    The reason I started RP was to help drown out my negative thoughts of self-worth and "meaning," so to speak, with something creative. I love to use the opportunity to test my imagination, to put skills to use that have absolutely nothing to do with triggers or fuel for my mental status - my family, my home, my school... Everyday responsibilities that seem to crush me from time to time. Sometimes having that one thing that you enjoy - like painting, writing, music, games, whatever - can help to balance out that constant chest-wrenching, fuzzy brain feeling of anxiety; the heart-breaking, stomach-churning torment of depression. It's hard to pick up a hobby, especially if your mental status is preventing you from finding that enjoyment. Pushing through that feeling of "I'd rather not" can take hold, though, through persistence.

    Of course these suggestions are only from personal experience... I couldn't tell you exactly what you need to do to escape your rut, but I strongly advise against bodily harm of any kind. It's like trying to fix a broken plate with scotch tape and expecting it to still function like it's meant to... I know we don't speak much, though I do see you around. This is me extending my hand. If you ever need anything, I'm only a message away.

    Muna :3
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  6. I'm gonna give a similar piece of advice that I gave another person on this site.

    I'm sure you've figured out by now that life ain't easy. Life is the hardest thing you'll ever do actually. Life is a cruel bitch that will knock your ass on the ground, and then stomp your guts out while you're trying to get back up.

    But you are the sole determinant in how happy you are. Yeah, life can hit hard but it's always up to you whether you are going to get up and go forward or if you are gonna just lie down and take it. But you can't let anyone else take responsibility for your personal happiness. Not your therapist, not your friend, not your parents.

    I ain't a psychiatrist, and I definitely probably ain't the best example, but I CAN relate to anxiety and depression cause that's something I do struggle with also. It ain't fucking easy trying to be the man of the house when your father decides he's going to start a new family elsewhere with your mother's money and keep up with your schoolwork AND deal with the bullshit every teenager goes through in High School so, fuck yes, I understand how sometimes it's hard to breathe! I understand how it feels to drown when you ain't in the water.

    But sometimes, you know, you just gotta take a load off otherwise this stuff will drive you insane. Like Jorick said, find things that make you happy and focus on more of the good and less of the bad. Volunteer at an animal shelter and pet some puppies, go out to the movies and buy overpriced food that tastes like the salt shaker fell into the machine, or just take a walk in a park and take a minute or two to look at butterflies. Focus on the good things cause while Life will never stop being ugly, that doesn't mean you can't appreciate the beautiful things.

    Keep focusing on the good things, only stopping to try to fix the bad, and don't look at it long term. I'm not saying that this is the success formula to a successful life, I'm just saying this is how to get by day to day. When you wake up, you don't have to say "Life will be beautiful" cause that ain't always true. Life can be painful. Just say "Today will be a good day."

    And then make today a good day. Keep doing that, and even if it isn't the best day, you'll find it easier to get through the day even if you just keep telling yourself that and focus on the good things. Shoot, and why can't everyday be a good day? Like I said, your own happiness is determined by you. Go out and tell that guy/gal you fancy that you have a movie ticket for them so you don't have to eat shitty popcorn alone.

    If they say "no", at least you can say you tried. Also, that's an opportunity to find someone that WILL enjoy spending time with you and take their bum ass to the movies.

    But yeah, you can't just give up though. Cause Life ain't a bear that'll leave you alone if you get in a fetal position. Life will rip your guts out and serve them to you anyways if you give up. So get back up, keep pushing, keep fighting, and eventually you'll look back and be amazed how far you've gotten when originally you thought you had no miles left.

    And you'll be proud. Cause it's like what my coach once told me. "Tough times don't last. Tough people do."
    #6 Temet Nosce, Jan 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2015
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  7. I believe I gave that one piece of golden advice some time back and I won't ever be able to repeat it.

    But I will try anyway...

    My first bit of advice is about the cutting. I won't tell you to stop. We both know you should, but badgering you about it isn't what I want to do. I will say try to find another outlet. One of the things I told someone else I knew with the same problem was to punch things. Get like a good, thick board or if you're lucky, a piece of metal of some thickness and strike it repeatedly. Strengthens your knuckles and gets out that frustration. I'd also read about some people using rubber bands around the wrist to give a sting.

    For the friend, this didn't help. It wasn't enough and while that's unfortunate, it's not the end of the world and you're not without hope. That same friend tried just using will power. They find ways of mitigating stress before it builds to the point of resorting to cutting. Instead of just being bothered by the act, that person and I celebrate how much time passed since the last time they did it. Sometimes it's more, on rare occasion it's less time. Either way, we turn it into a positive and slowly, I've noticed it's helped.

    There are other ways, I'm sure. It's always good to find a way to release before things get out of control and if you never stop trying, you'll find it.

    As for the other piece of advice, it concerns negative people. As I have told you before some time ago, these people will exist in all moments of your life. They are always present and constantly on the look out for those who have what they can't or won't work for. As I had said before, they are simply trying bring you down to their level and take away what makes you you. I know these words are easy for me to type and for you to read and their implementation is very hard to achieve. It will weigh on you and sap your energy, but if you keep getting up. Beaten and tired, if you keep getting up, you're winning.

    So the tl;dr of it is this: If you can manage to wake up every day, regardless of how you feel. If you can make it to the end of the day and start it all over again. You're not doing as badly as you might think. In fact, you're winning.
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  8. Mel, I'm gonna tell you one thing right now. I know how you feel. I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis and they have nearly caused me to take my own life. But you know what I thought about every time I came close? How much all the people that cares about me would be hurt if I went through with it. And, fyi, because of my depression and anxiety I also feel insane because I feel like I have no control of my own mind. I struggle to keep myself under control but it gets to be hard. I also feel empty like someone pulled out my soul and threw it away. If you ever need someone to talk to with whom you can relate with don't be afraid to message me. I know what you're going through and even though I have my own troubles I am one of those people who will put their troubles aside to help others because only thing that matters to me is seeing people happy and living a good life.
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  9. You are Beautiful Melz, Cutting yourself is not very good for you. Stop doing it. Immediately.

    No one is going to take care of you except you and you can't do that and also Self mutalate. This is a serious problem and most smart people will tell you to seek professional help, If you can not stop inflicting pain on yourself like that save your money and go get piercings and tattos...be constructive and productive with your pain, let it stand for something. Just plain self mutilation doesn't mean you have mental issues, but it does mean you aren't being productive and you can't control your emotions.

    :( This feeling sucks, I've been there and it blows. Trust me when I say, YOU CAN STOP ON YOUR OWN. You are smart enough, I've seen pictures of you and you are beautiful, also you are very nice and pleasant to people here. You have very good attributes about you and until you take the time to spend with yourself and remind yourself that those things about you are true, no one can really make you do that.

    It's a new year and things are stacking up for you, adulthood is right around the corner and your body is going Berserk with emotion and hormones and god only knows what else. Take it easy on yourself.

    The people you know today, will not be the people you know tomorrow, people will come into your life and they will leave it...and you have to remember you get to choose who you gets to be in your life. Someone who hurts you like this 'friend' did when she cyber bullied you, has no respect for you as a person or the emotions you have as one. so...sorry but Fuck her/him/ whomever.

    I'm sorry about the boyfriend but good ridden. you do not need that emotional rollercoaster, it's a new day and age for young girls today, Sex and Romance is literally...everywhere you fucking look. I'm here to remind you; Fuck relationships right now. You need to find out and discover who you are, choose who you want to be, and HAVE FUN IN THE PROCESS. All this extra baggage of emotion and pressure from "friends" will give you nothing but stress and it seems to me that you have been lead to believe in ways and paths that are not healthy. You want a relationship when you are stable and feeling good about yourself because that is when its the healthiest time to have them.

    You can make your own path, Melzzz. You can. You got to give yourself time to heal and time to learn for yourself what Melzz is all about. ~hugs~
    Hang in there, You are a very beautiful young woman. If you channel that pain into something productive, you should start to feel better. If you find that you can't, and time doesn't cut the bill, or change your perspectives, then it's time to see a doctor and tell them you can't handle your emotions, Get the help you need and don't be afraid to ask for it.

    If you ever need to talk you can always PM me. Always.

    Please be safe, The thought of you hurting yourself makes me very sad, and it make me sad, because I can see just how Beautiful of a person you are and the potential you have. I believe in you, absolutely believe in you. So hang in there take life One day and a time, and baby steps.

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  10. Thank you everyone. This all means a lot. <3
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  11. People are honestly dicks. Your "friend" obveiousley isn't a very real person if she made fun of you and even more fake if she did it hiding behind a computer. That in itself should show that your better then her. As far as gaining weight from not eating, that's because your metabolism has slowed down to preserve the fats it has since there is little to no nourishment entering. Start trying to eat a bit more and you'll find yourself dropping weight again since your metabolism will speed up again. As far as cutting goes, its not a good way of coping. it may make you feel better now but in the long run, the problem that caused you to do it is still there and once it hits again, you'll still be stressed AND have soar thighs/stomach. I myself suffer anxiety to this day and it truly sucks but i found if you put your hands behind your head, close your eyes and take deep slow breaths, your heart will slow down and the anxiety will lessen a bit. As for the depression, that shit really sucks, iv had mild depression but iv blocked it out for the most part but try emptying your mind. close your eyes and focus on nothing but the blackness. (sounds dark i know but it really works) or sing along to your favorite song over and over until it leaves. Suicide hurts allot of people, never turn to that. no life is worth ending by self means. Another way is remember that even though that bitch in real life is fake, you have friends here (as pretty much stated above) Beauty is meaningless in looks. looks fade in due time and never last but the beauty you hold inside never leaves, stay true to your inner beauty and you will see that you are truly a beautiful person. stay safe alright? I'm normally around here if you ever want to vent. I don't judge.

    (Hopefully this doesn't make me sound like an internet creeper..)