Well, this holiday season has been the worst I've had. Me and my boyfriend just recently broke up, which is not a very pleasant thing to deal with. My panic attacks have gotten worse to the point that I will throw up everytime I have one- which is quite often. It's so hard pretending like everything is ok. I can barely fake a smile anymore. I can't eat anymore without getting sick, yet I'm gaining weight. I've always struggled to see myself as attractive, or worth anything at all. I have gone back to cutting, no longer on my arms. That's too obvious. I've been cutting my stomach and thighs to the point that the cuts are ALWAYS there. I'm not proud of it, but it helps me in the moment. I see a therapist and and a psychiatrist, but they don't really help. They just put me on tons of medication. Then if I get too bad, my parents threaten to take me back to a psychiatric hospital. (A story I never want to go into) I honestly contemplate on whether or not to take my life. I've attempted it before, and obviously I wasn't successful. Then, my "friend" decided to continue to cyber bully me. Saying I was worth nothing, everyone hated me, etc. I ended up dropping her from my life, despite her attempting to apologize. Over-all, I just can't hardly take breathing anymore. It's like every moment I'm alive is a struggle. I'm terrified of myself, I'm scared of all the thoughts I have. I feel like I'm completely insane, which I probably am. I guess I just kind of need advice. I've struggled with all of my depression and anxiety since I was eleven, and I see no way out.