Just another little thing.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Gonzo, Apr 2, 2015.

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  1. I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time. I've tried to think about it, and of course relationships pop up and stuff, but when I think about it, I wasn't actually truly happy. It's been so long, I've kinda forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely happy.

    It's kinda weird, isn't it?

    Anyway, just wanted to put that out there. Not looking for any sympathy or advice... but if you wanna post something in here, then by all means, go ahead.
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  2. No sympathy or advice?

    Well then...
    Let me play you the song of not my people but it's badass of my people!

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    • Bucket of Rainbows Bucket of Rainbows x 1
  3. Well instead of sympathy or advice how about a statement of understanding and relation? I find myself to be feeling that same dullness in life where nothing seems to truly make me happy anymore. Currently I am an a relationship and yet I remain at a constant grey in my feelings or emotions despite their efforts. I know I love them and that I can make them happy so I feign happiness with them because of that. Yet I am lying to them at the same time for doing so. Its quite unfortunate but I digress.

    Regardless I try to make the best out of the situation and I hope you do as well.
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  4. Well cutting out sympathy and advice limits my amount to help out but what I can do is give you a hug and tell you that I actually do enjoy sharp cheddar.

    And that if you ever need to talk my inbox is always open to you.
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  5. Sorry to hear about all that. My PM's are open, as well, if you ever wanna talk. You seem like a pretty cool dude to me.
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  6. Thanks for the kind words you guys.
  7. You've got a friend in me, Gonzo. I can understand how it feels to wish for genuine happiness. I too spent time wishing for it until I went out to discover it for myself. Like others have offered, feel free to talk at me. :]
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  8. I feel this applies for all of us who replied. :)

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  9. Again. Thank you guys. I don't think you guys realize how good that makes me feel, especially since y'all don't have to be a friend.
  10. No one ever has to be a friend Gonzo.
    People become friends with you because they want to be your friends. :)
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  11. :)

    What are all these feelings? @Gwazi Magnum, don't give me a heart.
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  12. It's the feeling of friendship. :)

    Also you kind of just dared me there. XD
  13. Happiness.
    I may have only been crawling, walking and riding around for one quarter of a century but I can say one thing for sure about happiness. It does exist, but it's not quite the fancy show many were taught. For too long my two main focuses on what I believed would make me happy was that certain "love" and money. If I could just ascertain those two things everything would be fine. I suppose even now I do still views those two things in a similar light, however I've learned something about those two things as they have remained illuminated in my mind for so long.

    I reflect back on early years and see myself happy. Before my teens, before the reality of the world began rearing its ugly head into my life as any other. No matter what experiences I had acquired in life up to that point, whenever it was, could have prepared for the decades long shock which would follow. Like a paradigm shift which spontaneously would occur and warp perspectives at a moments notice on some idle weekday. Loss and grief being the two at the forefront which have grasped me more than anything, or at least for a time.

    Not sure what it was or when. Maybe after kicking medication to the curb, denying any psychiatric help. It began to seem like a pointless cycle draining me of funds, time and what I would pray to be a good nights sleep. Maybe after realizing the soul rending experiences which drives us all are like a fuel to keep that undying desire from ever being destroyed by the plastic world too many have fell victim too. I and many others cannot deny being stuck in that kind of rut, even if the circumstances differ, many find themselves in a place where everyday somehow begins to feel the same. That's when I began to see it.

    Expectations blossoming. Sure, they are delusions I create to comfort my mind when drifting into sleep, fantasies which lull a tired mind into slumber for another night in hopes they will come to fruition one day. Even if they don't, the thought still comforts a weary mind wishing for more in a world which seems to be doing everything it can to complicate itself. Some nights I dream of great explosions, destruction wringing the neck of the world and bringing a total end to the life man would know, giving way to what may either be eternity on a dead planet or something far down the road which becomes the next great being of some small body hurtling through space. Other nights I think of a pleasant conversation with a potentially significant other, basing what they may say off what I know of them. Movements, body language, the tone of their words and the choice of responses.

    But some nights may be truly blissful. I fantasize of a good future. One in which men are good to one another. One in which appreciation for life has reached different level. Not necessarily higher, but a common bond. I would dream of the sun not feeling so cold, the touch of another on wanting skin, the embrace of a cool lake clean and clear. Grain over fingertips and the smell of crab apples rotting in the autumn. I would dream of places where all those things which have pleased the senses could take place and absolute peace would settle in. Think of mom, dad, even the sibling I claim to hate. All these things were for me in the way they were. Shared experiences of thousands, but unique to each individual struggling to retain their identity in a world so focused on filing itself away in categorized boxes.

    There I can say I have found genuine happiness. In those thoughts alone, I can say without a doubt that absolutely beautiful glimmer of hope and fantasy are the keystones I cannot survive without. Just know, no matter what. Everything will be alright.
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  14. Wow.
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  15. I am cold by nature. Happiness and joy are brief moments generally, as are pity and anger. Consistently I feel content, lukewarm, or event disquieted. Something is missing. Something I cannot replace, and something I never had. Something I realized as I got older however, something terrifying, is that everything is finite. Pleasure, happiness, joy, sorrow, anger, fury--even hatred and love are finite. My existence is finite. The ever expanding universe is, at some point, presumable, finite. Everything decays. Everything rots. Everything is forgotten. The greatest achievements and greatest fuck ups of the vast majority of the homo sapiens that came before me are already entirely lost to the endless procession of time. Only certain individuals remain, individuals renowned for events and ideas alone: Shakespeare is remembered far more for his works, than his life.

    Yet, in a certain way, such a decay frees me. My greatest failures and mistakes will be as surely forgotten as I, or remembered merely as concepts to learn, or build upon... Hopefully not to worship.

    My existence is mine alone to decide the fate of, to place value within.

    Cogito Ergo Sum. The totality of what is: I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond. Through that, happiness is merely achieved by resolving whatever it is that distresses me, or moving past it.
  16. Happyness comes and goes Gonzo. It does, but it's not impossible to find some stability in the pattern. TO prolong it once you find it. As a person who suffers Deppression, all I can say is that even if you do not feel you are happy, do not give up hope. There are 'demons' we all have to face, there are rocky, jagged cliffs in our mind that we throw ourselves at. We stare in the bottle of a glass or we may hate our reflection in the mirror. We might feel like there is no joy, no sense of relief, nothing but a dull ache. But even then, we must remember that we can achieve anything and we will find the happyness we deserve if we do not give up. You will find it, and when you do, you seize it. You are human, one of the most amazingly complex beings on this earth, you have to believe in yourself and in others. Chin up and eyes forward, claw your way forward and create your own happyness. You'll find others to help you on the way, I am sure of it.

    Stay strong, and best wishes man.
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  17. I'm with you on that one, mate. There's been so much crap going on in my life these past few years, I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy myself. Things are bound to look up eventually, though, right?
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