Jokes 2: Joke Harder

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Minibit, Sep 5, 2014.

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  1. Tell me all your favourite jokes!

    Please put dirty/offensive jokes (ie race jokes, holocaust jokes) in spoilers; not everybody finds that stuff funny, and we don't wanna ruin anybody's day!

    I'll get us started!

    Two Eskimos are out on the lake fishing, but the weather turns cold. To warm themselves, they build a fire in the small craft. Naturally this causes it to sink and they both drown.

    I guess you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
     
    #1 Minibit, Sep 5, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2014
  2. A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician sit in a bar, watching a small house across the street. They see two people walk into the house, and later, three people walk out. The biologist said "Well, they must have reproduced inside the house." The physicist shook his head and said "No, no, there must have been a mistake with the initial survey!" Even later, a new person walks into the house. The mathematician shouts "Ah, now the house is empty again!"

    Isaac Newton, Blaise Pascal and Albert Einstein were playing hide and seek. It was Einsteins' turn to seek, and Pascal ran away to hide. Newton, however, placed himself in front of Einstein, and drew a square in the ground around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he said "I found you, Newton!" to which Newton replied "No, you found Pascal!".

    And finally, reach for the stars, because you have no potential on the ground.

    --

    Kudos if you got any of those! XD
     
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  3. What's green and has wheels?

    Show Spoiler
    Grass. I lied about the wheels.
     
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  4. Why should you invite the mushroom to your Christmas party?

    Show Spoiler
    'Cause he's a fungi!
     
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  5. One jester to the other:

    "My, my! Funny things are
    happening in town, aren't they?
    Funny. Funny."

    "You're telling me! Like the rumors
    about the swamp to the south?
    Did you hear about the
    kidnapping?"

    "Oh, my!
    The kidnapping?"

    "Yep!
    But then the kid woke up."

    Tell me which game this is from, and you get all my love.
     
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  6. Sounds like something from Zelda, probably Majora's Mask? Seems way too grim for OoT.

    Edit: Was I right?
     
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  7. What instrument does a skeleton play?

    The tromBONE!

    Doh ho ho ho ho hohohohohoho!
     
  8. Majora's Mask!

    Why doesn't Dracula have friends?
    Cause he's a pain in the neck!
     
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  9. You are both right, of course :3

    What do you call a fake noodle?
    Show Spoiler
    An impasta!
     
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  10. Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?

    Well, well, well!

    did you hear the one about the nudist colony? Yeah someone cut a hole in their privacy fence! Local police are looking into it.
     
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  11. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought fruit punch was a flamboyant boxer.






    Because that is the obvious conclusion a stupid person would come to.
     
  12. Which country is always hungry?
    Show Spoiler
    Haiti. Source: http://www.worldlifeexpectancy.com/cause-of-death/malnutrition/by-country/


    Yo mama's so fat... I'm wondering if she has health insurance.

    Possibly offensive (open)
    Two Jews walk into a bar.
    Unfortunately, it was the holocaust, so what they thought was a bar was actually a gas chamber.


    Knock knock. Who's there?
    Hello? Is anyone there?
    Well, I guess-
    Home intruder! *beats the crap out of resident*

    Dirty jokes from our Biology professor (open)
    Remember, absence not only makes the heart grow fonder - it also makes the sperm count higher.

    Women have a lot of Lactobacillus acidophilus bacteria in their uteri, hence the acidic nature of their reproductive systems. Notice that this bacteria is the same bacteria found in most yogurt products. So remember, ladies, you are all walking yogurt factories!


    Yo mama's so stupid... You know what, this is all the fault of our educational system, that's what this is! Our capitalist society has no intention of showing it actually cares for the people, only setting up the current system to create money, not to actually teach anything worthwhile to our ctizens! Seriously, our government really should appropriate more of their resources...

    Knock knock. Who's there?
    What? No one? Well that's-
    No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Because of its mishandled divorce settlement!

    Lewd (open)
    Are you a potato chip? Because whenever I eat you up, you're always so noisy....
    Are you a potato chip? Because your penis is surprisingly crunchy...


    Yo mama's so fat, her mass forced her to collapse into herself, turning her into a black hole!
     
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  13. Please don't hit me for this one. I came up with it almost entirely by accident while setting up a site for my sisters. lol

    A moose, a yak, and a llama walk into a bar. The tender turns to them and says, "Let's see yer monty first."
     
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  14. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just one, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.


    How many DragonBall Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just one, but it's going to take eight episodes.

    feminism joke (open)

    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Trick question; feminists can't change anything!
    [/spoiler
     
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  15. *Slaps Minibit* You been going through tumblr 'gain? Most tumblr feminists are the Westboro Baptist Church of the movement, y'know... without feminists, girlies wouldn't really be able to vote now (yes, suffragettes are essentially feminists). [I'm pretty sure you know this already, so consider the slap a light pat on the cheek; I just have big hands.]

    How many congressmen would it take to change a light-bulb?
    Thirty-four. Seventeen won't actually do anything; two would take advantage of the darkness and sell flashlights (with one of these two procuring the flashlights from a dubious source); another two would also take advantage of the darkness, but in a different way, by using the darkness to eliminate their enemies and consolidate their power; one would staunchly advocate changing it, without doing anything; another would staunchly advocate not changing it; another would be confused as to which side to choose, and would keep on switching sides until something happens; and finally, ten would actually (try to) change the lightbulb, for various reasons.
     
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  16. I'm a feminist myself, y'know. This is a JOKES thread :P
     
  17. 's called anti-humor, lady. 'Been joking that way since I posted here. xP

    Anyway....

    Knock knock. Who's there?
    Death.

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Because the restraining order filed on him by the farmer indicates...

    Possibly offensive (open)
    Why did Suzie fall off the swing?
    Because Suzie had no arms.

    Why didn't anyone help Suzie up?
    Because Suzie had no friends.

    What's worse than Suzie falling off the swing?
    Suzie getting raped.

    Why didn't Suzie fall off the swing?
    Because this time, the swing fell on her.

    No, wait, it wasn't the swing...
    ...it was the net of a child molester.


    Lewd (open)
    "Hey girl, I wanna do something kinky tonight", says a guy to a hot girl. Girl replies: "Sure, hon. Meet you in my apartment."
    Girl and guy meet up later that evening. Girl asks guy if he wants to have sex. They do it all night long (with the occasional water breaks, of course), and, with the girl being one of those somehow-more-intellectual-than-most types, they try to do it following the many positions recommended in the ancient tome of lovemaking called the 'Kama Sutra'. Both are truly, truly pleasured by the affair.
    The following morning, girl asks guy, "So, was that kinky enough for you?" Guy says, "Yeah, it was." Girl asks guy if he wants to do more of his kinky stuff later that afternoon. Guy replies, "Sure, but I don't think your purse can hold that much piss."


    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Why the hell are you bothering the chicken with all your questions?

    Knock knock.
    Knock knock.
    Knock knock.
    Knock knock.
    Well, I guess nobody's home.
     
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  18. What kind of computer sings?

    A Dell.
     
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  19. Not really traditional joke format, but it made me laugh so it counts!

    [​IMG]
     
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  20. oh thats cute
     
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