- Preferred Character Gender
- Male
- Genres
- Fantasy, Horror, Sci-Fi, Modern, History; just about anything, really. Though, I am not too big on Romance.
Jeremy Wright is a story that I am working on. I haven't gotten too far into it, mainly due to a busy schedule, but... I think it's coming out well so far.
Anyway, I wanted some opinions on the first few paragraphs. It's not much, and it may seem a little fast, but that's due to the fact that the "meat" of the story is way later, and I don't want to drag the beginning out for too long. Of course, feel free to say yay or nay to me doing such. Perhaps a longer beginning may be what I need to do. We shall see.
So, here's the first few paragraphs:
Long ago, upon a vessel far out onto sea, there lived a man. He was a man of no other; lived unlike any before and after him. He was a captain of a crew upon a beautiful sail called Annabelle. Not only was he a captain, but also a lover and a father. The name granted upon him was that of Jeremy Daniel Wright. This name has lived on for many generations, has been told in many stories, and has entered the dreams of many young children. Yet, the mysterious verity as to why this name has lived on has never been properly told. The candor is a behemoth of many personal truths and dishonesties of this man. This man of whom I personally knew and as I do now. This man of who is my younger self.
It began when I was a young boy, merely the age of eleven. The age of when curiosity is strong in the mind of a child, and as is imagination. These curiosities and imaginations are wonders that I never fully obtained. I never held the chance to. The feelings died early. They died along with my childhood innocence. This age was the worst of all of my years- it was the year that my acquitted eyes had set upon great tragedies. There were two of these tragedies and several smaller, but more easily adaptable, misfortunes.
The first of these catastrophes was the dealing with my father. He had been a fisherman. Of course, it was not the best, or ideal, job, but it kept food on the table for his family. It also gave my mother the opportunity to stay at home and share her life with her trio of children. In truth, it had been a fairly nice home. Both my father and mother did everything they could to keep our happiness at a high level. Though we were poor, we were a stably content family. But then, the news came.
It had been a mild evening, the sun blissfully shining its rays upon the fresh earth that surrounded our home. My father gathered all of us into the small foyer that was only meant to fit a maximum of four people. We all sat cross-legged on the cold floor, as my father stood over us, a roll of sweat forming on his upper brow. He had paced around all of us- me, my two younger siblings, and my mother- for a matter of three minutes. In an unnerving aspect, this was the longest three minutes of my life, though at the time, I had not realized it. Thinking back on it, as I sat there, I somehow, in a way, knew what my father was going to tell us before he had spoken it. It was one of those all-knowing sensations that you are, yet, somehow oblivious to until later on in life.
Placing your comments and/or critiques in your replies would be great. I want to hear what you guys think about it and if I need to change anything, please tell/suggest it to me! I really want to work with this one, and I want to do it -right-. And the only way I can go that is to have opinions along the way! Thank you for reading. <3
Anyway, I wanted some opinions on the first few paragraphs. It's not much, and it may seem a little fast, but that's due to the fact that the "meat" of the story is way later, and I don't want to drag the beginning out for too long. Of course, feel free to say yay or nay to me doing such. Perhaps a longer beginning may be what I need to do. We shall see.
So, here's the first few paragraphs:
Long ago, upon a vessel far out onto sea, there lived a man. He was a man of no other; lived unlike any before and after him. He was a captain of a crew upon a beautiful sail called Annabelle. Not only was he a captain, but also a lover and a father. The name granted upon him was that of Jeremy Daniel Wright. This name has lived on for many generations, has been told in many stories, and has entered the dreams of many young children. Yet, the mysterious verity as to why this name has lived on has never been properly told. The candor is a behemoth of many personal truths and dishonesties of this man. This man of whom I personally knew and as I do now. This man of who is my younger self.
It began when I was a young boy, merely the age of eleven. The age of when curiosity is strong in the mind of a child, and as is imagination. These curiosities and imaginations are wonders that I never fully obtained. I never held the chance to. The feelings died early. They died along with my childhood innocence. This age was the worst of all of my years- it was the year that my acquitted eyes had set upon great tragedies. There were two of these tragedies and several smaller, but more easily adaptable, misfortunes.
The first of these catastrophes was the dealing with my father. He had been a fisherman. Of course, it was not the best, or ideal, job, but it kept food on the table for his family. It also gave my mother the opportunity to stay at home and share her life with her trio of children. In truth, it had been a fairly nice home. Both my father and mother did everything they could to keep our happiness at a high level. Though we were poor, we were a stably content family. But then, the news came.
It had been a mild evening, the sun blissfully shining its rays upon the fresh earth that surrounded our home. My father gathered all of us into the small foyer that was only meant to fit a maximum of four people. We all sat cross-legged on the cold floor, as my father stood over us, a roll of sweat forming on his upper brow. He had paced around all of us- me, my two younger siblings, and my mother- for a matter of three minutes. In an unnerving aspect, this was the longest three minutes of my life, though at the time, I had not realized it. Thinking back on it, as I sat there, I somehow, in a way, knew what my father was going to tell us before he had spoken it. It was one of those all-knowing sensations that you are, yet, somehow oblivious to until later on in life.
Placing your comments and/or critiques in your replies would be great. I want to hear what you guys think about it and if I need to change anything, please tell/suggest it to me! I really want to work with this one, and I want to do it -right-. And the only way I can go that is to have opinions along the way! Thank you for reading. <3