Iwaku Humor

F

Flaremon

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Original poster
Know any hilarious jokes you want to share? I got one. I shared it with Torsty just now.

There was this man who wishes for a penis enlargement. So, he seeks out this guru, and he tells the guy that, for each person apologizes to him, his penis grows longer by an inch.

So, he purposefully bumped into people, making them apologize. Each time they did, his penis grew longer.

But he wasn't satisfied.

So, he tried bumping onto someone again. This time, a Bangladesh. He bumped onto the Bangladesh, the Bangladesh shakes his turban, and says,

"A thousand apologies!"

8========================================3
 
A man and a child are walking through a woods in the dark of night.

The child says "I'm scared. These woods are really spooky!"

The man says "YOU'RE scared? I have to come back through here on my own!"
 
Say what you like about Paedophiles, but at least they keep their speed down when they're driving past schools.
 
LMAO!!

Okay, here's another funny anecdote:

A kid in Elementary School was asked what ABC is. He answers with an idiotic "I don't know." The teacher is enraged, and asks the student to ask his family about it when he gets home.

He does, and starts with his brother, who is in the middle of a brawl.

"Hey, bro, what's ABC?"

"You motherf**ker! I'll flip your ass upside down when I'm done with you!"

The little kid writes down the answer on his notepad.

Next, his sister, dancing away to a tune.

"Sis, what's ABC?"

"Come on baby, come on baby!"

He writes it down.

Next, his father, ordering some goods.

"Dad, ABC, what does that..."

"The bigger, the better."

He writes.

Finally, he approaches his mum, just finishing a shower.

"Mum, what's the meaning of ABC...?"

"Ahhhhh, so relaxing."

~~~

The next day, when the teacher asks him for the answer to what ABC is...

"You motherf**ker! I'll flip your ass upside down when I'm done with you!"

The teacher, appalled by the child's utterly profane attitude, sends him to the principal's office.

"Come on baby, come on baby!"

When he arrives there, the principal offers him a choice of three canes to whip him on his ass.

"The bigger, the better."

And when the caning is initiated...

"Ahhhhh, so relaxing."
 
Heard this one from someone else.

HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the butt and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block
 
A bear walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer and........................
................
...............
................
...............
.... some pretzels."

The barman says "Certainly Sir. But why the big pause?






(Doesn't work on paper)
 
duh duh tch. But I get it Asmo, (forced) lol.
 
An anthropologist travels to a remote Inuit tribe to live among the people, and find out more about them. Naturally, to do this, one of the first places he goes is the local hang out for men.

He gets to talking to this older man, who offers him a drink. A few hours later, the topic of initiating Inuit boys into adults. The older man tells him this:

"First, you must go out into the tundra and slay a polar bear, then after you return, you must deflower an Inuit maiden. . ."

By this time, the anthropologist is pretty hammered, and sets forth into the wilderness, unaware of the snickers he is getting from the other men.

Months pass, and no sign of the anthropologist. The Inuit men believe he gave up and went home, or their joke went too far and he was now dead somewhere out there in the tundra.

Until. . .one night. . .

The anthropologist returns with a triumphant look on his face-at least, what's left of his face. He's looking pretty bad, there's a lot of chunks missing. But he doesn't seem to mind, he only puffs out what's left of his chest and declares:

"Alright! Now, where's that Inuit maiden I have to kill?"
 
Some local jokes to share with you all:

Man: "Hey, mam, there are more seats at the upper deck of this bus. Why don't you head upstairs?"

Old lady: "No, no! There's no one driving upstairs, yet the upper deck is able to move on its own!"

~~~~

Guy 1: "Hey, I heard that Cindy recently married this guy. Damn, he's one ugly fag."

Guy 2: "Huh. Talk about a stalk of rose in bull shit. Should had tried my luck myself. I would had won her heart immediately!"

Guy 1: "Now that I think about it, you should had probably went for her, huh?"

Guy 2: "Yeah! I'm no cow dung!"

Guy 1: "Yeah. It's now a rose in dog shit."

~~~~

Kid: "Mum, I want to swim there!"

Mum: "No, no! There are sharks there!"

Kid: "But Dad's swimming there, too!"

Mum: "That's different! He's bought insurance."

~~~~

Surgeon: "Okay, the operation is over."

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, your knife is still inside my stomach."

Surgeon: "Huh? Oh, never mind. I've got extra."

~~~~

Woman: "Johnny, if you help me wash my car this week, I'll give you five bucks. And if you help me wash my car again the following week, I'll give you ten. Okay?"

Kid: "Okay. I'll help you wash your car the next week then."
 
This one is for Asmo:

An Englishman is driving in the Irish countryside and notices a sheep with it's head in a fence and an Irishman thrusting into it from behind.

The man parks nearby and walks up to the Irishman, "Can I give it a try?" he asks.

The Irishman removes himself from the sheep and stands to the side. The Englishman removes the sheep from the fence and sticks his head in the fence.
 
FOR THE SAKE OF LAME:

What does China have in common with Japan?

A large POPULASIAN.
 
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