I've just got a lot of issues...

[Thomas McTavish]

You don't have to reply to this if you don't want. You don't even have to read it. I actually don't expect many of you to read it. I just need someplace to put this so it stops bouncing around in my head, torturing me. If you want to read it, though, here it is.

I have an inferiority complex.

There, it's on the table, out of the way. But not really, it's always in mine.

It's caused a lot of issues for me lately. I feel down a lot more than I should. It's done everything from amplify my old issues to create new ones for me. My anger flares up here and there. My psychotic tendencies keep arising in my day-to-day life, mostly in the form of murderous thoughts and conversations about cannibalism. I've become at least 8 times more of an asshole than I was the beginning of last year. I'm constantly fighting with my self over whether I'm actually attractive, or if she just says that because she loves me. She being my girlfriend. I wonder if she really loves me, even though I can tell she does, and then I wonder why the hell she loves me. I'm just some ass-hatted loser from some hell hole in the middle of one of the largest, worst counties of the state. I have no talents, no life, and no hope. I'm not even sure why I keep going anymore, other than for her. The future is bleak to me.

Yeah, it will probably get better. I'm just down at the moment.

Another thing about the IC, I'm either really happy and not thinking, or I think a little, and it becomes a lot, and I quickly find myself wondering, "What the hell am I doing here, with these people? I don't belong here. I'm not a part of the group. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere." And it sucks, because I know the people around me are my friends, but I still feel like the outcast boy in middle school people only hang out with so they don't have to see him cry about being alone and hated by the world. But that's not true.

And no matter how much my Light shows me otherwise, that I'm flawed, yeah, but I'm actually pretty damn great,

The Dark counters with "At what?"

And I fall silent. I can't respond. Nothing comes to mind. I offer something, but then I push it aside, questioning that. This is why I don't care about consequences much, anymore. I'm not going to amount to anything, anyway, so why should I have to do the same things kids who will do something with their lives do? I feel... less. Less than I should be. Less than expected. I've become the kid that everyone, all their life, has called super-smart, and thought so highly of, but suddenly finds that he's hit the level where he sucks at everything he tries to do, and wonders, "Maybe I'm not as smart as I've always been told? Maybe I'm a disappointment? Maybe I'm not going to be anything great? Maybe the bullies in elementary and middle school were actually right?"

I don't know what to do anymore. I've lost sight of what I want for my future. It's getting harder to remember things. It's getting harder to make decisions. It's getting harder to view myself in a positive light.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm just being that whiny little teen who needs to suck it up and move on, kid. But the problem is I've tried that. I've tried that so many times it's broken me.

What really sucks is I'm introspective. I know what's wrong with me. And I know I won't do anything about it because I hate burdening people with my problems. I actually feel bad that I've made this available for you to read. As I write this sentence, I consider deleting this altogether. But I won't. And it's here. And I'm sorry.

I'm trying to word this as honestly as I can without thinking too much about what I perceive to be the psychological effects of my words. Hell, even the title. While writing this I considered changing it to "I'm sorry if you're reading this" but realized it would probably make people want to read it out of curiosity. But then, that's why you're looking at these threads, isn't it? Curiosity about others problems and hope that you can help? Like I said. Perceived concepts of human psychology. A subject I haven't actually learned jack shit about.

Well, there you have it. The sum of what's on my mind right now. And all too often. I'm sorry I burdened you all with my problems, I know you have your own to deal with. I just needed to get this out.

 

[LogicfromLogic]

You sound like you are really having a hard time right now and I am very sorry for that. But the one thing I am going to say is therapy. These break downs and needs sound like your mind's way of desperately crying for help.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm just being that whiny little teen who needs to suck it up and move on, kid. But the problem is I've tried that. I've tried that so many times it's broken me.

If anybody has anything to say about this, just remind them that it isn't easy being a teenager, nor is it easy at all coping with mental illness. Seriously, you have every right to be upset, but every right to find a happiness in ;life. Reaching out like this is the first step you have taken to getting better; and I applaud you for it.

I wonder if she really loves me, even though I can tell she does, and then I wonder why the hell she loves me. I'm just some ass-hatted loser from some hell hole in the middle of one of the largest, worst counties of the state. I have no talents, no life, and no hope. I'm not even sure why I keep going anymore, other than for her. The future is bleak to me.

If you constantly look at the 'if's' 'ands' or 'buts' of things, you'll worry yourself to death. Why does she love you? Why don't you ask her, because I'm sure she'll tell you all the good in you that you cannot see yourself. No talents? You kidding me? Everyone has talents. You have a talent, you just have to find that. Writing is a big one, I think anybody willing to give that a go is talented in many ways. I see you around here from time to time (and I won't forget that you were one of the first people I met on this site btw, you were helpful and kind), I think you have a great talent, you just can't see it right now because you are busy beating yourself up.

And no matter how much my Light shows me otherwise, that I'm flawed, yeah, but I'm actually pretty damn great,

The Dark counters with "At what?"

You must answer this. A night cannot hold stars without the darkness, but that darkness enhances the brightness of each and every star in the sky. You have to find a reason why your sky brightens, and learn that that dark side of you isn't allowed to consume you. Don't let it; keep talking to people and find a good outlet for yourself to express yourself. I really empathize going to see a therapist, they will be able to help you and show you great ways to handle these emotions and problems you are running into.


Good luck my friend, and I hope you get better soon.

 

[Waking Nights]

I probably wont be much help...but I kinda had the same issue and sort of still do. I tend to avoid involving myself in bigger things for fear of causing issues and getting in the way, even if people repeatedly say I'm fine I still have trouble with group rps and such. Even when I was younger I had the same issues, I wondered what the hell I was worth, I was some nerdy tall kid with a big gut, aint the pretty boy there I can say that much. All I can say it seems you got it easier then me at the least. You have a girlfriend, someone (I hope) you can rely on closely and use a crutch. These issues of yours dont go away easy, it takes time, commitment and as corny as this'll sound a positive outlook on things.

The darker road is always easier when you think its the only road. Instead you need to focus on the good things in life, you got a girlfriend, a supportive community on Iwaku, you've got a lot of posts so I assume a few buddies on here. Most of all find something you CAN focus on. When I was in high school the kid with 98+ grades I bet everyone thought I knew what I was doing right? Thats complete bullshit, I was TERRIFIED of moving forward. College, the threat of rejection, the thought of people far better then me, all of those ideas scared me, made me weep sometimes at night during my weaker days. But you know what, being older now (Sorry I dont like disclosing my age) I realize it was all normal at the time. Things seem tough I know but if you push through you can do it, hell live day to day if you need to. Find pleasure in the simple things, rp, play games, watch movies, hang out, read a book. Whatever makes you happy DO IT trust me it helps a lot.

You arent worthless, you arent "hopeless" no one is hopeless we all have rough spots, some far worse then others. But push through, look on the bright side when you can. Also for everyone's sake make sure you smile, like really smile, again I know it sounds corny but it actually really does help. Its like laughing when you are sad, if you really are sad a good chuckle will help with your mood. Anyways, I wish you luck buddy. The simple fact you are trying to figure this out is good you know that right? If you were "hopeless" you'd never post this, so part of you knows you arent worthless.