I've got to say it..



Original poster
There is just so much I want to vent about, and I'm not sure really how to go about it, so I'm just going to type and see where it takes me!

First of all, when I first started thinking about my internship, I was SO excited. After two years, I was ready to be back in a vet clinic again, doing the things I love. Sure, anyone that has talked to me long enough knows that I love school more then anything else, but there's just something different about working in a clinic. You see and do things that you wouldn't normally do in a school environment, and it's the reason I wanted to come to school in the first place. I suppose I had just gotten so used to people helping me and talking me through things, that I had forgotten how cold some people could be.

The first day I started my internship, I tried to be included. Y'know how it goes though.. first day on the job, kinda nervous about butting into any conversations, right? I mean, I've never been one to back away from a conversation with a stranger, but the way that the two assistants were treating me was just.. odd. I should explain that the only difference between me and these two girls is that soon I will be licensed, and they're not. The head assistant's knowledge comes from ten years of experience, mine comes from one year experience and two years of school. Technically, the term 'tech' applies to licensed individuals and the term 'assistant' applies to ones that aren't licensed.

Some people are really strict about this, and I'm personally of the opinion that it's good to have the knowledge behind what you're doing, but it's possible to learn on the job and be just fine. I don't look down on anyone because I have been through school and they haven't. That's no way to be, and a very BITCHY way to be, in my opinion. But since I started, both of the assistants have barely spoken to me, even when I try to speak to them, and it's just so weird to me. I've never had any problems making friends, and I try extra hard to be sure that I'm as nice as can be to them when I talk to them so that I make sure not to offend them or anything. For the first few days, they tried to stick me in the kennel to work..

Now don't get me wrong, I understand that it's part of my job. And I will be the last one to back away from a dirty kennel without gladly cleaning it. I don't mind it at all. The only problem I have is.. is that I've been cleaning kennels for about three years now. I'm not there to be free labor, I'm there to learn and improve my skills. I can assure you, my poop-cleaning skills really don't need tweaking. I pretty much got that one down within the first few weeks. But I would never say anything, because the first thing that would be said is... 'Oh, she thinks she's too good for the kennel."

Which isn't true..

I don't understand why they won't be more friendly. It really isn't hard, is it? I never have a problem being friendly to someone.. and I often think about what I would do differently had I been in their position with an intern following me.. and I just see myself being so much more.. friendly.

And then I come home. Let's face it, I'm lonely. I don't mind saying it. Since I've moved home from Statesboro, I've lost connections with my high school group that managed to stay so tight, my best friend of eleven years decided to follow her man to Ohio, My closest guy friend discovered he was hot and has been switching from girl to girl, completely forgetting about me, and now that I only have one class a week, the little family I've managed to build for the past two years is suddenly gone. Yeah, I have my mom, dad, and grandparents, but it's not the same.. and despite trying as hard as I possibly can, my love life is completely dead, making me a bit jealous of what my other friends have. I really don't know what to do about that part, other than to just buck up and move on. It helps to rant about it, though.

When I AM home, I'm being forced to keep my wits about me in order to keep my grandmother from doing anything that she shouldn't be that might strain her heart. She's not doing well at all, and this worries me more than I can express. This lady was more of a mother to me than my mother was, and I'm starting to realize that she isn't going to be around much longer. But this woman WILL NOT slow down. When I'm not home, she cleans and tries to do god only knows what else.. regardless of whether or not I do something, say, clean my room? Even if I do keep my room clean, she's going to go in there anyway and redo what I've already done.. there's no way for me to stop her.. and I'm afraid that soon she's going to do more than she can handle, and I won't be there for her when she needs me the most.

That being said, my family doesn't realize how much a weekend away from home does for my sanity. I became very close with a girl in my class at school, to the point where we're known as sisters. I stayed at her house constantly last quarter just because she lived so much closer, and we found out that not only do I feel like I can be more like myself there.. but we also discovered that I sleep like a BABY when I'm there. Something that I don't get when I'm at home, where I'm constantly on the edge and worried about something. Being away every so often helps.

A lot.

But my mother manages to guilt trip me into staying home. Using my grandmother as a weapon. I understand that I need to be home as often as possible, but there are just times that I need to unwind completely. She won't give me the chance. And as a result, the only thing I have to do is sit around and dwell on everything that is wrong, and I get depressed. It also does help that my aunt comes into town and joins forces with my grandma to tell me how fat and lazy I am, and to enlighten me as to how I could be so much better.

But.. last time I checked, her son went to prison for drugs and other things too.. my parents have never spent a dime of lawyers to stand up for me.. and I'm in medical school making A's and B's.. I've never done any kind of drugs besides the occasional visit to the hookah bar, and I only drink when I have nothing to do the next day. That's it. ... Am I really that bad of a kid? And if not, why does she continue to yell at me and tell me everything I do wrong..? And the hard thing is.. I can't stand up to it because they're funding my college.. and my car, and pretty much everything else right now.

She pretty much treats me like a prisoner. For example, I'm on my way to the car so I can head to class. (Keep in mind, it takes me an hour to drive to class. One way. ) I tell her and my grandmother that I would be home as soon as I could get there because I had promised someone that I would help them with blood smears. She's a freshman, and my Seniors never helped me. I just wanted to give her what I didn't have, because I know how much I would have loved to have had help. But anyway, yeah, told her I would be there as soon as I could..

"NO. You WILL be here right after class. We're GOING to clean your room tonight."

What in the HELL was that? I'm trying to do something nice for someone else, while at the same time practicing my own skills, and she tells me to come home so 'we' can clean a room that is already clean?! What.. the fuck? I don't hear from you for a month and then suddenly you appear and try to take over my life? My class doesn't even get out until 5pm! I've been working the first half of the day, only to get to school, be tested on stuff I haven't seen in a year, and then stay to help someone. By the time I get home, I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm not going to feel like pretending to clean an already clean room so that you have an excuse to go through my stuff.

You already fucked up your shoulder when you fell down the stairs trying to go through my stuff when I lived with you. You would think that you would be smart enough to learn to stay away from my shit. PLEASE.. just leave me alone. Let me do my work, help the people I want to help, come home, and chill out.

So yeah, in a nutshell, I'm burned out, lonely, and I feel like an outcast..

*huge breath* Wow. That was a little more than I thought I was going to say..

Is anyone even still here? o.o
Oh, sweetheart. That sucks. I don't know what else to say but "I'm here for you, you know my MSN".

I'm only an IM away. Stay strong, girl.

1. Be assertive, don't be scared of getting the "she's too good to clean kennels" crap. Because you ARE too good to JUST be doing that. Makes me wonder if perhaps THEY feel to good to do it themselves! You are in the right, if they give you crap about it, rub it in or go over their heads.

2. You are not a bad kid...you are one of the best, as far as I can tell. It's the same here. Be assertive. If you promised to do something for a freshman or a friend, DO THAT FIRST, THEN come home. I'd like to see your mother stop you when you do so. You can always pretend to clean your room later. Meanwhile, keep your "interesting" stuff in a place your mother doesn't know about or doesn't come.

3. I love ya, and as far as I know, so does the rest of Iwaku. Be strong, you'll get through this :)
Thanks, guys. <3 It's good to know I have such good friends that care about me. ^_^

And I've been trying to be more assertive this week. I've started stepping up and doing stuff instead of just letting the girls step in front of me. And today I just kinda walked out of the kennel when I finished what I was doing and went to help the doctor. >>;
I don't get why families rag on people who are doing good when they messed up themselves. I guess it's some way to make themselves better or something even though it is such a horribly wrong thing to do. Life seems to have this horrible way of giving nice people families that try to rag on them and bring them down. It's so counter-productive since they end up causing what wasn't even there in the first place.

And why does it seem like mothers, grandmothers, and aunts are the guilt trippers?

I have like 6 different friends with the same situation in the sense of a guilt tripping family member.

Anyway. . .



. . . And maybe start using some CQC.
Tell dem bitches today is "Spay Practice Day."

If it's something serious like wanting to help out your newbie vets, then just do it. It's part of your schoolwork, in a sense, so you HAVE to do it in order to succeed.

Hell, when I come home late I just blame it on traffic. Sometimes there's these days where the roads here have ACTUAL TRAFFIC or sometimes it like tractors and whatnot. Slow people at the gas station, etc.

Use some reverse psychology...eventually they will be doing YOUR bidding.

And y'know, when you have old people staying with you (I wish I had realized this sooner!) They totally aren't going to change their ways for ANYONE. They're seem like douchebags but they're just tired of seeing all these babies stumbling around "being stupid" (functioning normally, learning as they go, etc). Plus, when their bodies start to fail, anger and extreme change in temperment is pretty much a sure thing. Anger/forming a short temper is how most people tend to deal with things. While they deal with it that way though, they often don't realize how much it hurts the people around them.

Your lonliness will only last for so long. It isn't something you will have to endure for much longer.

Besides, Kura....you aren't an outcast here! :D *internet confetti*