F
Flaremon
Guest
Original poster
I am not exactly sure why I am posting this. My constant negative thinking would have me thinking that this would probably lead to nowhere. One reason I am posting this might be for the members to understand me better. Another is probably the obvious - me desiring for help.
But let's start from the beginning.
I was never a really sociable person, even from Primary School (or Elementary School in American terms). My first best friend I met there, Caleb, talked to me first. I wasn't much of a talker. Even after meeting him, we had constant conflicts. We both have bad temper, and we both have mentality issues, only that his was worse. At that time.
I was seeing a future version of me back there, as I would soon become like my Pri School best friend, as confirmed today.
I was always very sensitive, too. Whenever Caleb made a joke about me when I was in a bad mood, I'd snap at him, but I wouldn't beat the crap out of him, I'd give him the silent treatment - and that annoys the Hell outta him. After fighting, we would always end up back together again like schoolkids. That is, until after seven years of friendship, when we went our separate ways just because of a little hand-fight we had at his house. On to Secondary School.
The sensitivity and the distorted thinking grew worse, so much so that I had to see the school counselor. She claimed she's not a shrink, but I now know better. I got into fights because I felt people were talking about me. Thoughts were in my head. Nasty thoughts. Those thoughts got me into lots of trouble, even in my Internet life. Only about five to six months after I joined my first forum, I got into my first major conflict, but it didn't start at the forum, but at an IM conversation.
Some people were talking about how gay my emoticons were, and I got annoyed, retaliated, and a close friend of mine over there scolded me for talking to his friends like that. All Hell broke loose.
From then on, my feelings were mostly hatred for that friend, before they spread onto the other members of the forum. Soon, I trolled that forum, for revenge. Felt that I needed to defend myself. When the forum got into a maintenance mode, I trolled them again. Every little remark they made only served to fuel my hatred even more.
Yep. I was a real n00b back in the day.
I want to say that I can't help it, that it's all because of my condition and those stupid thoughts in my head, but I know how you people always like to say otherwise, saying that I have control and stuff, that what I'm saying is selfish... which, to some extent, I know it is. I don't exactly approve of my past actions, either, or I'd be trolling this forum since yesterday already, when a similar incident occurred.
Meanwhile, in my real life, I craved utmost attention from several potential bestfriends in my school. I tried to be the best friend that I could ever be, and expected them to give back the same treatment. When that treatment was lower than what I had expected, boom, distorted thoughts started coming in, and most of the time, the episodes ended in a fight, and then a caning session (you get caned for fighting in Secondary Schools).
And then, I went to become a loner, discarding the real world and escaping into my own. That's how my studies began to fall, and how I got held back for two years in Secondary Three. I didn't have any care for the world anymore. I ate my breakfast alone, and I often felt the need to escape people by hiding in the boys room early in the morning, just before morning assembly. I didn't want to see people. I was afraid they would mock me, that they would judge me, for I saw myself as a failure in life back then.
Fun.
Thankfully, that got better. I got my redemption at the end of my third year of Secondary Three, when I suddenly felt the compulsion to work hard in my studies. Maybe it was because that I didn't have anyone left in the world, I focused on myself, on my studies. When people returned to my life at that period, seeing how I was working hard again instead of just being a lazy worm, the distortion returned, too, and I was close to falling back again.
I even met another potential bestfriend that year, Jordan, and he was the closest thing I had to someone who understands me, pathetically. He had bad temper, too, and a condition as well. But, my distortions got me to be jealous of him always talking to another bestfriend of his (who was quite close to myself as well, relatively speaking), and ignoring me every morning (WHICH was NOT distortion - Jordan DID ignore me, to such an apparent level you'd have to be a moron not to notice). That got us to lots of clashes as well.
Fortunately, I didn't slump back into Emoville, and even managed to become one of the top students... of the class. <_< Not much, but still, it was a success story.
So I thought.
I moved on to Secondary Four, and the distortions followed. I still got jealous, I still got pissy about small things, but the life then was much better, as my classmates understood me by then. They were mature then (and the first batch of my classmates to seem mature to me, may I say). They treated me very well. One year of goodness. The joy it was.
I moved on with goodness in my heart, wanting to do better in college. But then, the distortions hit me with a high voltage break. To put it in perspective, I tried strangling someone early in Year One, after he made a bad comment about me. From then on, my classmates started treating me... 'differently,' though I could obviously see why. They didn't talk to me, and I don't talk to them. I'm back to Square One, not talking to anyone unless people talk to me.
Even until today, this continues. I get to joke with my friends sometimes, but most of the time, you could always, always tell who's the odd one out. There would be awkward ignores between us. As always, just like Jordan, they didn't greet me as they would greet each other in the morning. I was like a piece of filth.
Time-travel to present time, when I began to really read the Cognitive Distortion Wikipedia article, instead of just skimming through it like I did on my first day here in Iwaku. Turns out my counselor was right - all the signs pointed to me having this... condition. And I do indeed show all, if not most of the signs. And that scares me, not being able to control my thoughts, feeling all emo upon the slightest remarks. It won't just get me into fights, it will make me a forever loner for the rest of my pathetic life.
My counselor, whom I still talked to after I got out of Secondary School, told me to go see a real psychologist when I get into the army (a compulsory participation for all male Singaporeans).
I just hope I don't get into any fights there, or here, before I get this thing treated. If I seem worked up or offended at any time... just avoid me. Or it will turn ugly. Real ugly.
But let's start from the beginning.
I was never a really sociable person, even from Primary School (or Elementary School in American terms). My first best friend I met there, Caleb, talked to me first. I wasn't much of a talker. Even after meeting him, we had constant conflicts. We both have bad temper, and we both have mentality issues, only that his was worse. At that time.
I was seeing a future version of me back there, as I would soon become like my Pri School best friend, as confirmed today.
I was always very sensitive, too. Whenever Caleb made a joke about me when I was in a bad mood, I'd snap at him, but I wouldn't beat the crap out of him, I'd give him the silent treatment - and that annoys the Hell outta him. After fighting, we would always end up back together again like schoolkids. That is, until after seven years of friendship, when we went our separate ways just because of a little hand-fight we had at his house. On to Secondary School.
The sensitivity and the distorted thinking grew worse, so much so that I had to see the school counselor. She claimed she's not a shrink, but I now know better. I got into fights because I felt people were talking about me. Thoughts were in my head. Nasty thoughts. Those thoughts got me into lots of trouble, even in my Internet life. Only about five to six months after I joined my first forum, I got into my first major conflict, but it didn't start at the forum, but at an IM conversation.
Some people were talking about how gay my emoticons were, and I got annoyed, retaliated, and a close friend of mine over there scolded me for talking to his friends like that. All Hell broke loose.
From then on, my feelings were mostly hatred for that friend, before they spread onto the other members of the forum. Soon, I trolled that forum, for revenge. Felt that I needed to defend myself. When the forum got into a maintenance mode, I trolled them again. Every little remark they made only served to fuel my hatred even more.
Yep. I was a real n00b back in the day.
I want to say that I can't help it, that it's all because of my condition and those stupid thoughts in my head, but I know how you people always like to say otherwise, saying that I have control and stuff, that what I'm saying is selfish... which, to some extent, I know it is. I don't exactly approve of my past actions, either, or I'd be trolling this forum since yesterday already, when a similar incident occurred.
Meanwhile, in my real life, I craved utmost attention from several potential bestfriends in my school. I tried to be the best friend that I could ever be, and expected them to give back the same treatment. When that treatment was lower than what I had expected, boom, distorted thoughts started coming in, and most of the time, the episodes ended in a fight, and then a caning session (you get caned for fighting in Secondary Schools).
And then, I went to become a loner, discarding the real world and escaping into my own. That's how my studies began to fall, and how I got held back for two years in Secondary Three. I didn't have any care for the world anymore. I ate my breakfast alone, and I often felt the need to escape people by hiding in the boys room early in the morning, just before morning assembly. I didn't want to see people. I was afraid they would mock me, that they would judge me, for I saw myself as a failure in life back then.
Fun.
Thankfully, that got better. I got my redemption at the end of my third year of Secondary Three, when I suddenly felt the compulsion to work hard in my studies. Maybe it was because that I didn't have anyone left in the world, I focused on myself, on my studies. When people returned to my life at that period, seeing how I was working hard again instead of just being a lazy worm, the distortion returned, too, and I was close to falling back again.
I even met another potential bestfriend that year, Jordan, and he was the closest thing I had to someone who understands me, pathetically. He had bad temper, too, and a condition as well. But, my distortions got me to be jealous of him always talking to another bestfriend of his (who was quite close to myself as well, relatively speaking), and ignoring me every morning (WHICH was NOT distortion - Jordan DID ignore me, to such an apparent level you'd have to be a moron not to notice). That got us to lots of clashes as well.
Fortunately, I didn't slump back into Emoville, and even managed to become one of the top students... of the class. <_< Not much, but still, it was a success story.
So I thought.
I moved on to Secondary Four, and the distortions followed. I still got jealous, I still got pissy about small things, but the life then was much better, as my classmates understood me by then. They were mature then (and the first batch of my classmates to seem mature to me, may I say). They treated me very well. One year of goodness. The joy it was.
I moved on with goodness in my heart, wanting to do better in college. But then, the distortions hit me with a high voltage break. To put it in perspective, I tried strangling someone early in Year One, after he made a bad comment about me. From then on, my classmates started treating me... 'differently,' though I could obviously see why. They didn't talk to me, and I don't talk to them. I'm back to Square One, not talking to anyone unless people talk to me.
Even until today, this continues. I get to joke with my friends sometimes, but most of the time, you could always, always tell who's the odd one out. There would be awkward ignores between us. As always, just like Jordan, they didn't greet me as they would greet each other in the morning. I was like a piece of filth.
Time-travel to present time, when I began to really read the Cognitive Distortion Wikipedia article, instead of just skimming through it like I did on my first day here in Iwaku. Turns out my counselor was right - all the signs pointed to me having this... condition. And I do indeed show all, if not most of the signs. And that scares me, not being able to control my thoughts, feeling all emo upon the slightest remarks. It won't just get me into fights, it will make me a forever loner for the rest of my pathetic life.
My counselor, whom I still talked to after I got out of Secondary School, told me to go see a real psychologist when I get into the army (a compulsory participation for all male Singaporeans).
I just hope I don't get into any fights there, or here, before I get this thing treated. If I seem worked up or offended at any time... just avoid me. Or it will turn ugly. Real ugly.
