It's getting worse

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Flaremon, Apr 12, 2010.

  1. I am not exactly sure why I am posting this. My constant negative thinking would have me thinking that this would probably lead to nowhere. One reason I am posting this might be for the members to understand me better. Another is probably the obvious - me desiring for help.

    But let's start from the beginning.

    I was never a really sociable person, even from Primary School (or Elementary School in American terms). My first best friend I met there, Caleb, talked to me first. I wasn't much of a talker. Even after meeting him, we had constant conflicts. We both have bad temper, and we both have mentality issues, only that his was worse. At that time.

    I was seeing a future version of me back there, as I would soon become like my Pri School best friend, as confirmed today.

    I was always very sensitive, too. Whenever Caleb made a joke about me when I was in a bad mood, I'd snap at him, but I wouldn't beat the crap out of him, I'd give him the silent treatment - and that annoys the Hell outta him. After fighting, we would always end up back together again like schoolkids. That is, until after seven years of friendship, when we went our separate ways just because of a little hand-fight we had at his house. On to Secondary School.

    The sensitivity and the distorted thinking grew worse, so much so that I had to see the school counselor. She claimed she's not a shrink, but I now know better. I got into fights because I felt people were talking about me. Thoughts were in my head. Nasty thoughts. Those thoughts got me into lots of trouble, even in my Internet life. Only about five to six months after I joined my first forum, I got into my first major conflict, but it didn't start at the forum, but at an IM conversation.

    Some people were talking about how gay my emoticons were, and I got annoyed, retaliated, and a close friend of mine over there scolded me for talking to his friends like that. All Hell broke loose.

    From then on, my feelings were mostly hatred for that friend, before they spread onto the other members of the forum. Soon, I trolled that forum, for revenge. Felt that I needed to defend myself. When the forum got into a maintenance mode, I trolled them again. Every little remark they made only served to fuel my hatred even more.

    Yep. I was a real n00b back in the day.

    I want to say that I can't help it, that it's all because of my condition and those stupid thoughts in my head, but I know how you people always like to say otherwise, saying that I have control and stuff, that what I'm saying is selfish... which, to some extent, I know it is. I don't exactly approve of my past actions, either, or I'd be trolling this forum since yesterday already, when a similar incident occurred.

    Meanwhile, in my real life, I craved utmost attention from several potential bestfriends in my school. I tried to be the best friend that I could ever be, and expected them to give back the same treatment. When that treatment was lower than what I had expected, boom, distorted thoughts started coming in, and most of the time, the episodes ended in a fight, and then a caning session (you get caned for fighting in Secondary Schools).

    And then, I went to become a loner, discarding the real world and escaping into my own. That's how my studies began to fall, and how I got held back for two years in Secondary Three. I didn't have any care for the world anymore. I ate my breakfast alone, and I often felt the need to escape people by hiding in the boys room early in the morning, just before morning assembly. I didn't want to see people. I was afraid they would mock me, that they would judge me, for I saw myself as a failure in life back then.


    Thankfully, that got better. I got my redemption at the end of my third year of Secondary Three, when I suddenly felt the compulsion to work hard in my studies. Maybe it was because that I didn't have anyone left in the world, I focused on myself, on my studies. When people returned to my life at that period, seeing how I was working hard again instead of just being a lazy worm, the distortion returned, too, and I was close to falling back again.

    I even met another potential bestfriend that year, Jordan, and he was the closest thing I had to someone who understands me, pathetically. He had bad temper, too, and a condition as well. But, my distortions got me to be jealous of him always talking to another bestfriend of his (who was quite close to myself as well, relatively speaking), and ignoring me every morning (WHICH was NOT distortion - Jordan DID ignore me, to such an apparent level you'd have to be a moron not to notice). That got us to lots of clashes as well.

    Fortunately, I didn't slump back into Emoville, and even managed to become one of the top students... of the class. <_< Not much, but still, it was a success story.

    So I thought.

    I moved on to Secondary Four, and the distortions followed. I still got jealous, I still got pissy about small things, but the life then was much better, as my classmates understood me by then. They were mature then (and the first batch of my classmates to seem mature to me, may I say). They treated me very well. One year of goodness. The joy it was.

    I moved on with goodness in my heart, wanting to do better in college. But then, the distortions hit me with a high voltage break. To put it in perspective, I tried strangling someone early in Year One, after he made a bad comment about me. From then on, my classmates started treating me... 'differently,' though I could obviously see why. They didn't talk to me, and I don't talk to them. I'm back to Square One, not talking to anyone unless people talk to me.

    Even until today, this continues. I get to joke with my friends sometimes, but most of the time, you could always, always tell who's the odd one out. There would be awkward ignores between us. As always, just like Jordan, they didn't greet me as they would greet each other in the morning. I was like a piece of filth.

    Time-travel to present time, when I began to really read the Cognitive Distortion Wikipedia article, instead of just skimming through it like I did on my first day here in Iwaku. Turns out my counselor was right - all the signs pointed to me having this... condition. And I do indeed show all, if not most of the signs. And that scares me, not being able to control my thoughts, feeling all emo upon the slightest remarks. It won't just get me into fights, it will make me a forever loner for the rest of my pathetic life.

    My counselor, whom I still talked to after I got out of Secondary School, told me to go see a real psychologist when I get into the army (a compulsory participation for all male Singaporeans).

    I just hope I don't get into any fights there, or here, before I get this thing treated. If I seem worked up or offended at any time... just avoid me. Or it will turn ugly. Real ugly.
  2. Well, don't take this the wrong way, but it does raise the question. Just what are you responsible for, and does having a disorder clear you of blame for your actions? It's easy to say, "Well I'm ____ because of ____" in order to excuse yourself. It's much harder to say, "I know I have ____ so I must take measures and responsibility for the sake of myself and others."

    Moreover, self-diagnoses-- especially when it comes to mental disorders-- are generally inaccurate. Because really, I'm reading this Wikipedia article you linked to and I'm thinking to myself, "Wow, I can apply more than half of this shit to myself."

    But I still go through my day-to-day normally, and without major problems (meaning, beyond the usual personality clash or what have you). That's neither here nor there though.

    My point is to put the ball back in your court and ask you to not tell others to tiptoe around you because you have "X" disorder or disability. And I'm not saying you don't; you may very well have said disorder (only the shrink will be able to confirm). But the treatment ultimately is going to be the same, unless they dope you like a koala using psych drugs. Not a pleasant solution. I'd much rather see you pull through by your own effort, if at all possible.
  3. See, I got offended by that immediately. That's what cognitive distortion is partially about, apparently, taking things the wrong way.

    And seriously? Way to be sensitive about it, brother.

    Ugh, I shouldn't have posted here. This was a freaking mistake.

    Also, answer me this: How would you be able to apply half of the stuff in there to you? You don't seem to be very distorted at all. You seem to be very confident of yourself, in fact.

    Do you have All-or-nothing thinking? Thinking that people are either always or never against you?

    Do you have Overgeneralization? Generalizing that everyone in a single group is against you? In this case, a forum?

    Do you have Mental filter? Focusing on the smallest of your imperfection?

    Disqualifying the positive, shooting down whatever positive experiences you had in the past, disregarding of their existence.

    And most of all, what I'm doing now, Jumping to conclusions.

    Emotional reasoning, arguing based only on your emotions, only on how you feel. In my case, pissy.

    Labeling and mislabeling. Labeling you as a jerk when you are probably just trying to help me.

    Narcissistic rage, to feel that I'm more superior to you when I feel that you are pulling me down.

    I point these points out because these are symptoms, of how I felt in past arguments such as this. Every time I got into an argument, these... signs showed up, even before I could confirm about my illness. I only got to confirm this illness 5 days ago, when I read about that article. That was the only point of time when I have a strong sense of belief in me having cognitive distortion.

    My shortest stay in any forum was about for a day. I give my stay here about another week before I'd have to leave. Maybe shorter.
  4. Go see a shrink. Srsly.

    At least have a consultation before your military service starts. I heard it's not that bad, my friend got to be an NCO(Sgt) and he's a gamer shut-in.

    Help yourself by seeking help, seek help and help yourself. (Believe in me who believes in you!)
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  5. I don't know anymore. Maybe I don't have this condition at all, like Tain put it, albeit putting it roughly without lubrication.

    This whole thread is a big mistake. I'm probably just bitter because I couldn't find any friends, so, forget about everything I wrote. I'm gonna delete this thread... if I can.

    Yep. I thought so. I can't. Get ready for the flames and lectures from the mods and higher ups, Flare.

    By the way, I'm not trolling. I'm not trying to gain sympathy or any shit like that. You can go to this forum called The Digital Dive and ask about a member called Kudo Shinichi. Ask them about how I acted in their forum. Then there's Pixar Planet forums. I was Dragon of Omnipotency there. Also caused a lot of trouble and assuming shit out of all the members.

    It's a long, historical record of jumping to conclusions and distorted thoughts there, all written across the net. Check them out if you want.
  6. Protip: you can delete your post by going to edit post -> delete.

    But I suggest that you don't. You've made the effort to reach out, let us help. Granted, NONE of us(except mayb Asmoman) are qualified to give any psychological advice. But at the very least, we can offer empathy and compassion.

    If shit hits the fan, I can always move the thread to mod-land.

    EDIT: PM me if you want me to re-open the thread or something.
  7. Nah, that's okay. I'm seemingly able to reopen it on my own... <_<

    But, I just wanted to say that, I don't want any trouble, especially when I'm getting so well with the forum (relatively well, but well nonetheless). But, I might sound pretentious. People might go, "Oh, so you've caused us lots of shit, now you don't want trouble? You ain't getting off the hook that easily."

    Sigh. Yep. That's what I'm assuming. Again. And I'm quite positive that I'm right, at least on Tain's part.

    But, really, I'm sorry for getting worked up... It almost always ends like this, with me regretting shit.

    I talked to some people in a chat room just now (though I got kicked out for impoliteness only 5 minutes after I joined), and they told me it was all about the attitude. Yeah. Maybe they're right. I just... feel this surge of fear and insecurity that made it so hard to control. I don't want to make excuses, but... Ah, whatever. I don't want to say anymore. Just makes me look more pretentious.

    Gonna leave this open now. After receiving Tain's personal message, I think I could trust the general members with it.

    Sorry I was being such a sensitive dick.
  8. You're not being pretentious.

    Tbh, I don't like it when people "self-diagnose" themselves with a disorder. It doesn't help you much but think, "well holy shit. I have XYZ, now I'm really fucked! Now I don't know what to do with my life because XYZ prevents me from doing whatever." Quit complaining about it and just see a psychologist that will actually help you.
  9. Neccy, be sensitive.

    I know what you mean, Flare.

    But you don't have to worry because, like others said, self-diagnosing is inaccurate. Articles and definitions of these disorders are going to be dumbed down and made to be easy to read for even the most simplest of readers. As such, using the terms that they apply, sometimes it's easy to see how it could apply to you.

    But if you THINK you have it, and you DO have a legitimate claim or reasoning, the next step would be to get professionally diagnosed. If you go to a professional, they'ed not only be able to tell you if you have it or not, they might be able to give you some help in working with it.
  10. Orochi, that defines more than half of America's military. Seriously...

    Any who, I'm going to second the motions to see a professional because if you plan on enlisting then you are going to be in all sorts of hell.

    Regardless of how you think of someone in your command you WILL have to work with them. I doubt the Singaporean military works like the US Armed Forces but I'm saying this on the assumption that the emphasis of teamwork remains the same.
  11. In my experience, I have also had a run in with that description of behavior. Mostly grounded on a strong sense of low self esteem I naturally believed that people would always think the worst of me. I don't know if it truly was Cognitive Distortion, but in order to combat it I had to rethink the way I handled external stimuli...both the positive and negative.

    Flash pace to present day, I'm still like to take an indirect comment and turn it into an attack on myself...but I've started to swing out of taking everything at the tail end. Remember you are your own worst critic. If being diagnosed will help you shake the troubles, then you are entitled and even encouraged to seek out help.

    Otherwise ignore the first feeling you get when someone speaks to you and try to identify what they're really saying.

    The rest will come in time...or at least it did in my experience.
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  12. Thanks guys, for all the help.

    Yeah, I know what you mean about self-diagnosis, Neccy, but it's just that... well, my Mum has somewhat of a same behavior, and she was diagnosed to have a condition.

    Whenever I go out with her when I was young, if someone coughs or honks his car, she would think they are against her. And it's not just the general public. Her church friends and her sisters, too. She'd sometimes have the nastiest thoughts about what they are thinking about her. Very assumptive thoughts. Like me.

    It's gotten better in recent years, so I guess she might be recovering.

    Or maybe it's just because she's going outdoors much less often nowadays. <_< Because I still hear her assuming stuff about her friends and sisters sometimes.

    And it's so similar to what I do. What I assume about my friends can almost be considered total paranoia and... ugh, just mental, psychotic stuff. I hate it.

    But yeah, I guess I'm just assuming this condition myself anyway, by saying that. Ah well. I'll just ignore it for a little while, till I'm able to get help, at least.

    Thanks again for being sensitive about it. :)
  13. I actually have a LOT of the symptoms of that disorder. .__. The one where I think people are saying/being mean to me, or hating me ESPECIALLY. Like, really, really, really bad to the point where even the most simple and innocent of comments I take the wrong way. But I hide it really well and I force myself to control it. I actually had no idea that WAS a disorder. x__X I just assume I'm suffering from major self-esteem issues after years of torment and abuse.

    I even do it now on Iwaku. >> When I get a new PM I almost always think it's bad news. If someone says they need to talk to me, I think they're going to be mad at me about something. In real life, like if I go to the grocery store, I think people are getting pissed off at me for getting in the way with my shopping cart. Sometimes I think my inlaws hate me, for whatever weirdass reasons I seem to come up with one those bad days. e___e

    In anycase, I agree with all of the people that say "see a professional", cause you really can easily display any number of disorder symptoms and it doesn't matter if you have them for real or not. Either way the professional will be able to tell you if you need medications, or life-change help/therapy. .__.

    I am aaaaaall about learning to control your own bad behaviors. There's a history of evil bitchy psycho women in my family, so I've always tried to be aware of anything I might be doing/feeling that doesn't seem "normal" and I try to keep it under control (to avoud flipping out on someone or myself) and find ways to deal with it.

    So maybe you can try to do that too? It's better to be proactive about trying to improve yourself than just accepting stuff that's making you unhappy.

    And keep on trying to find the forum community that works with you. XD We always hope Iwaku will be your last internet form!