It's About Time

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Windsong, Mar 9, 2016.

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  1. I open a new thread in counseling in folly to try and feel better about how things are going.

    I'm miserable. Well, miserable may be putting it poorly. Very poorly.

    I'm content. But I don't want to be. Wouldn't you rather be happy over content? Yeah, me too.

    Hardest part is where to begin. Because once it's done, it won't be short. It's uplifting enough knowing someone will read the whole thing. Whether they go "let me offer help or advice" or "fucking Windsong you sexist, racist, and poor bigot". Fuck you, second one, but thanks for reading.

    I'll start with work. Since that's where most of my Iwaku time is what with the hours of downtime.

    I was up for a promotion. Not much of one. But it was the one I'd been trained for, read up on being a leader, and practically doing the job for a few months while waiting for the spot to open. Well it did, and my grandfather might have died. The night before my interview with my principal I spent most of it at the hospital with family, avoiding letting myself cry no matter what. Needless to say I was exhausted for that early interview. It went poorly even from my POV, both of my bosses were there and knew it, but neither did much more than smile and say keep going as if my fatigue would go away.
    They gave it to the other guy. Seven months before his retirement. The last act of the principal before he got a six figure promotion himself into HR. New lead even said the interview was little more than shooting the shit for half an hour about working on the principals cabinets that weekend. There's more. So much more with regards to work.

    My wife has no friends. Here in Florida with me for nearly a decade and not a single friend made. She gets along with no one at work, feels like every thing they do is against her, and is generally always moody. Worse so since our sex life tanked because, well, my libido isn't to blame..

    And now she wants to move. First it was Colorado. Legal weed, woo. Figured I'd try. Then it was Phoenix with her dad. She complains of Florida heat and not liking her family but wants to live with them? Each time I grew more unsure. I don't want to leave my entire family who lives in this little sorta ho-dunk town in Florida. She's in the mindset she could get a better job and make actual friends by moving to a big city, despite two major cities north and south of us within easy commuting distance.

    My friends. Scratch the s. It's just one who I do anything with. He's an autistic, anti-social, and generally unpleasant person simply because he gives 0 fucks about social conventions and how others feel. Yet he's literally the only friend I see often or do anything with. I also got him his first job as a custodian with me when he was 23. On the best of days I tolerate him because I make him laugh and we get along. On the worst it feels like I'd be better off cutting out a tumor and moving on.
    Most of my friends, if not all, sort of drifted off. I didn't keep up. My wife was jealous I got to go out and do stuff. Even if it was just YouTube and couch coop for four hours once a month or so. Even that's gone now..

    Being in a good mood for the day really makes it difficult to write about the bad stuff. But when the bad moods are in I refuse to give in and rant/plead for help. It feels like giving in to it.

    There's so much else to everything I just said its mind boggling. From my new lead being a complete prick and trying to keep me from moving up once he leaves in October to me literally throwing people similar to my wife at her trying to get some connection formed.

    I dunno anymore. Nothing makes me happy (with exceptions).It's a bowl a night after work to unwind and one or two on saturday and Sunday to really feel like I can enjoy something.

    Let's not even start on my fathers infedelity and drug abuse that destroyed my ability to write and roleplay.

    Alright. I'm done for right now.
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  2. I'm sorry you're in a rut. We all go through them and they always suck. Thankfully, there are things you can do in your situation to possibly fix the issues.

    As for your job, that sucks man. It really does. Giving that position to someone they know will be short term is like a slap in the face. I don't blame you for being down about that. My advice on this matter is to keep your head down, work your ass off, and known to the higher ups that you are interested in the position once it opens up again. Don't worry about this lead doing what they can to make sure you don't get it... this lead won't be hiring you. Just work hard and stay out of the bull shit. Either that, or look for a new job. Or stay in the position you're in if you're good with it.

    As for your wife, she has to want to make friends. You can't just keep throwing friends at her if she doesn't want to make them (though it sounds like she does.) So I suggest being her best friend though I'm sure you already are. It is important to have friends outside of your marriage, but try doing lots of new activities together. This will make you both happy and raise her confidence for meeting others. People are naturally attracted to happy people.

    As for you not being able to roleplay because of your father... I'd say you need to internally work on that issue. I think writing would be good for you in your situation. So, whatever you have to do to separate him from your writing I'd say do it. Maybe you need to journal how you feel about him and the pain he's caused you (I'm assuming he caused you.) And read that out loud multiple times until everything he has done is just something that once happened. It might take doing that to be able to accept and move on from those issues that clearly trouble you.

    Good luck. I hope things turn around for you.
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  3. I sympathize with the whole post, but this part specifically popped out to me as a sort of hint into a possible bigger problem, one @Hope has already touched on.

    Both of you seem to be struggling with expanding your friend base, and it's clearly causing you both some pain. But one of the best ways to make friends is to express positivity and a willingness to make them. And that isn't going to be coming across much if the household is having jealousy issues over one persons social life. Ideally you both should be making new friends, and be happy for one another when it happens. So personally I'd say you guys need to work on your friendship with one another first. I'm sure you two already get along, that's not my concern. My concern is that it might have fallen into the realms of one despretely clinging onto another, because they fear being without them or losing them to someone else. Now for this I'd usually suggest just go out together more often, or even just spend some quality time in the home together. Let both of you understand that you love and care for one another, and don't have any intention of leaving. This should hopefully accomplish two things:

    1) Help both of you feel a little better, so you have a more positive face in front of new potential friends

    2) Help increase a willingness to take risks with the others support, in this case the risk being finding new friends and facing possible rejection, or simply seeing each other a bit less often.

    Now, I don't like giving sugar-coated positive at the time, but set's up illusions for later advice so I will admit right now, this won't guarantee success.
    Sometimes there's another issue going on, sort of inherent disconnect, could be interests, could be small social ques (like the conventions your autistic friend doesn't care about), other times people are just being negative themselves and don't want to see other people in a positive light, and maybe it's a combination. But it's still important steps to be taking, and even if it fails are the social circle stage it can still keep the two of you more happy with each other in general which can help with stress and job performance.

    Good Luck. :)
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