I began laughing today. A sad little laugh, at a little revelation I had. My life - it's like a bad joke. I mean, I have everything I could possibly want, and more. But all that - all of it - means nothing. One day, I'm going to have to start relying on myself. But when that day comes, I'm not going to do very well. Why, you ask? Well, I'm glad you raised that question! For starters, my incompetence shines through, and is one of the may things that makes me the sad little wreck you're reading about now. Oh, I got decent grades, but that was in high school. I'm in the big leagues now, playing with the big boy toys. And, you know what? I can't handle it. While I may have gotten along fine when everything was just "Answer this question with this answer." I was good at that - good at repeating whatever the textbook and the teacher told me. But now? Now that I have to think for myself? Now that I have to be my own person? I can't do that. So then I started having counselling sessions. And it went great - I managed to build up my confidence a little. I began sorting out my thoughts, and I managed to start getting myself back on track again. But then I realised just how badly I screwed myself over. See, there are two main types of maths courses at my college. Maths, and Use of Maths (UoM, from here on out). I was told Maths was for people whose predicted grades were above a B, so I decided to just take UoM. Who was I to doubt what I was told at open evening, by someone in the maths department? Well, as it turns out, I was actually quite eligible for the course. It turns out that I could have taken it, were it not for my complete lack of confidence. To add insult to injury, me passing UoM means jack shit when compared to someone who took Maths. That's right - I squandered what little talent I had on a course that is basically a waste of a year of my life. And it's too late for me to change. So I got set back to square one. And then it hit me - none of this really matters. If I died - right now - it wouldn't matter. People would grieve, yes, but would that really matter, in the long run? It wouldn't. Because I'm nobody special. I'm just a sad, pathetic little human being, who made poor life choices, and can't even stand on his own two feet. I can't cook, I barely clean, my knowledge is worthless, my learning potential is non-existent, my personality is terrible, and the few skills I do have won't achieve me anything. Nobody would care about my death, twenty years from now. I'd just be another name on another grave, in a world that keeps on spinning. And that's what I find funny about my life. I've done everything I could, and I had everything handed to me as I went along. And what happens? Something out of a bad sitcom. As I said, it's all a bad joke. I don't have a right to post all of this, while so many people have it so much worse than I do. But here it is. The closest thing I'll ever get to doing stand-up comedy. I'm going to take some time off. No idea how much. I just need to rethink my life. Post here if you like. Or don't. It's up to you.