Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by LunaValentine, Oct 22, 2015.

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  1. That's how I'm feeling. Because I work I never get to talk to anyone.....and I'm not exactly good at making friends. Just want to get these feelings out there somewhere. I just feel alone right now. I hate being alone but I'm afraid of making phone calls or bothering people, not to mention I have no idea on how to entertain others. I don't know how to make friends and I'm terrible at making plans. Sometimes I wish I could move to a country where I already have a friend but I fear I would wear out my welcome. Maybe stress is what's bringing this all up. But I wanted to get it out there. Say, do any of you guys know how to make friends and shit? Because my hobbies lead me to online friends so.....there's no use in saying anything to do with that.
  2. Do you know for certain that none of your IRL acquaintances don't share any of your hobbies?

    Because that would be a good place to start, I think.
  3. Fun fact. I don't have any.
  4. You said that "because you work" you never talk to anyone. May I ask exactly what your job is?
  5. I am a computer programmer and the people closest to me allllll live in Europe except one.
  6. So everything you do for your job is entirely online? Nothing you do in-person?
  7. I don't lIke talking to clients. Too new to the system. I only talk to the other programmers when I need help because they have to wor too you know. Work place is for work. Besides, I'm in my own office with headphones on most of the time like everyone else. With all the stuff on my plate I nearly broke down because everything demanded my attention every ten minutes. And I work 8 to 4:30 so by the time I get home and eat it's already nearly 7, so there isn't any time to socialize.
  8. Hmm, alright then.

    Well, if you get the chance, perhaps sharing a few words with a co-worker might lead someplace, especially if you see anything that might indicate that they share a common interest with you. I'm not saying you should spend your work time becoming best buds, but, just small things here and there can really help you connect with people. And then maybe you'll feel comfortable contacting them sometime outside of work. It's a nice place to start, if you're trying to make friends.

    Additionally, you said you have online friends. That's great! There's a lot you can do with online friends if you're really feeling lonely. Nothing stopping you from getting to know them better and connecting on a deeper level, making them feel more like "real" friends, I guess.

    I know it's not fun, feeling like you don't belong and like you don't connect with anyone, but a little bit of interaction goes a long way.
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  9. Another fun fact: I share little to nothing in common with my coworkers and literally always feel like I'm that obnoxious kid everyone puts up with because they're nice. Again, my online friendstore are in EUROPE. I never hear from them anymore and we don't have much we can do together. As much as I'd like to get to know them I just don't feel good about trying to talk about little things. I am terrible at such conversations. I am currently uneasy about going into work tomorrow because I'm an idiot who wasn't apparently trained right and it feels like I'm drowning on work I can't do and I'd just be a burden on everyone else. Now I'm going to bed far later than planned though not tired while I can still breathe out my nose. I've worked myself up enough for one night.
  10. Mmm. You hadn't mentioned that you don't hear from your online friends much anymore. I feel that that's a more important point than them living in Europe. :/

    At any rate, if you want to make friends, the best thing to do is talk to other people. I know it can be weird, not knowing what to talk about out of the blue, but sometimes you just have to, I dunno... find a common interest, something to talk about. Look around the forum here and if you just want to compliment someone's sig or something, do so! It just might lead to some long conversation about whatever TV show that sig is from and then, next thing you know, you've met someone you enjoy talking to and who you can get to know even better in the future.

    But if you're currently getting behind in your work then I understand the need to place that first and not wanting to socialize. Just keep in mind that socializing doesn't always have to be something that takes so much planning -- it can just mean striking up a conversation with someone you think you might get along with.

    Heck, my inbox is open. I'd love to offer a hand in friendship, if you'd have me. ^^ Just talking and getting to know people better is probably the best way to make friends, and, well, you won't have to worry about thinking you're annoying when given an invitation to talk to me. :P
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  11. I can semi-relate having been through a 3 year college program where I related with practically no one.

    If that's the same case for you with work, then you'll honestly need to look elsewhere.
    For me I found it in clubs (anime and gaming club, not drinking clubs), so you might want to look for things out of work to attend.
    Now, you do end late so I can get that you may lack the energy, but that is a pretty good way to start meeting people.

    If not though, then honestly expanding your online friendships would probably be best.

    Ignore the title, that's for shock value.
    He does a very good job in explaining why online friends can be just as if not more legitimate than friends you see face to face.

    As for means of finding online friends?

    I'll give advice for Iwaku specifically, but the same would apply to any site.
    General Chat is a good start, you're always talking with other people and getting to know them.
    You can focus your time on interacting with the person rather than writing a story.

    Roleplaying is great, but admittedly when it comes to making friends it's more tricky because so many people prefer to isolate themselves behind their character.

    Then other chat programs like CBox and Teamspeak works too.
    I also run a Skype Group chat that's 25 people big you can join if you want. :)

    Iwaku's TS:
    Skype Link:

    Also, if you end up taking Kaga up on her offer here's some good conversation starters. :P
    Doctor Who, The Beatles, Stephen Universe.
  12. @Kaga-kun I don't think you understand, there's a reason I ask how to make friends, I have no fucking clue as to how to make idle chat. No offense but it doesn't seem that we have much in common, yes we both like a few things but there are things I despise that you love, it would probably end up being a major sticking point. Not to mention I find idle chat difficult.

    @Gen. Gwazi Senpai I think you missed something. I hate making calls. TeamSpeak is out of the question. And here's another fun fact: I HATE groups. I feel so uncomfortable in groups. It's not just a mental black I feel physically uncomfortable being forced into social interaction with strangers in a group. I have no time for anything outside of work during weekdays. And I never said online friends weren't real but for Fucks sake all I do is sit alone inside with no one to go out and do shit with. I always feel out of place in the chat box. Because I hate idle chatter. I never have anything of substance to say. And I happen to watch a few of that guy's videos I happen to have seen that actual video. Doesn't change shit. I'm still isolated everywhere I go.
  13. Hmm... sounds like this could be social anxiety disorder. :/ I mean, I'm certainly not qualified to give you anything close to a professional diagnosis, but, yeah, that's what it sounds like, based on what you've said. Just mentioning that to acknowledge that it must feel incredibly intimidating for you to meet new people, and I don't want to sound like I'm dismissing that fear.

    That said, as for "idle chatter", my best suggestion would be to find people with whom you have common interests, cuz then once you're blabbering away about whatever it is that you love, you're less likely to be uncomfortable from feeling like you have nothing to say.

    And, as for overcoming your anxiety and talking to people... I don't want of be the type of person to just say "get over it" because I know how difficult that can be. Still, though, all I can really suggest is to find some way of braving that fear and talking to people to get to know them better, so that you'll have people with whom you don't feel so uncomfortable. It would be difficult for you, I'm sure, but... yeah. It's not a magic fix-all solution, but I really don't know what else to offer. :/

    Do you talk to the people you roleplay with at all? That could be another good place to start, especially if you want to talk to people with whom you already have some sort of common ground, so that you don't feel weird about just PMing someone out of the blue.
  14. If it's not crippling then it's not likely the case. I don't like group interaction because I don't feel included, ever. I am never in a situation where I can talk to people and get to know them better. I'm not just emotionally isolated. It's physical too. I don't know where to go and make friends. And while talking to partners is nice I currently don't hear from anyone. I always get to know the person to some extent before role playing with them. After all, this hobby is very personal when you think about it. I don't feel uncomfortable at malls or out in public. I just feel lonely because I see groups or couples and retreat back home with a bitterness in my mind and then I never hear anything from anyone because they're either always set to online so I never REALLY know when they're online or they are on but they're playing games or aren't actually responding until after I give up on them and get off or go to bed.
  15. I dunno, man, I'm getting conflicting signals at this point.

    I gave you plenty of examples of opportunities in which you can talk to people, and you said you don't really feel comfortable talking to new people. If you don't really feel socially anxious about it, then, well, my only advice is to just... go for it. The best way to make new friends is to talk to people and get to know them. You'll just have to see opportunities and take them. You can't just magically become friends with someone without having some interaction with them first.

    I know what it's like to feel excluded in a group setting, but, you know what engages you with the rest of the group more? Talking to people. Yeah, I understand being shy about it, but, in the end... if you want to feel more in with the group, you have to put yourself out there.

    Your inhibition about it all made it seem like you might be feeling some form of social anxiety, which is why I sort of tried to avoid being all "Just do it!!", as I know how annoying that can be for people who just can't do it with their anxiety. But, if that's not how you feel, then... yeah, just putting yourself out there and talking to people is the best advice I can give if you really want to make friends.
  16. I have to basically echo what Kaga's said.

    If you want to interact with people, actual interaction is going to be required.
    This would mean having to leave your comfort zone.

    Sadly, there is no miracle way of obtaining friends without putting yourself at least somewhat out there to see people.
    Especially if you feel it has to IRL friends because of wanting to do stuff outside of the house.
    And honestly, sharing mutual interest is the best way of doing that. It give's people a way to relate to one another.

    Though, it should also be noted:
    Idle Chatter is the majority of social interaction.
    It's not like a movie or RP where every line of dialogue has a function or purpose to move the plot or characterization forward.

    There's a ton of 'filler' effectively, people just hanging about, doing things for fun, enjoying each other's company.
    It's honestly unavoidable if you're looking for genuine friendship and not just something like a work relationship.
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  17. .....and this is why I'm starting to reconsider my entire life. I always feel conflicted. I'm just gonna.....go sit in a corner for a while.aybe the weekend will distract me.
  18. o__o Yo, I'm not trying to question your entire existence or nothin'. People feel conflicted sometimes. It's a thing that happens. A good way to alleviate that is to sit down and really think about what it is you want to do, you know? That's all that my advice was trying to get at.
  19. To put it simply, I want friends but don't want to risk being made fun of or becoming the annoying person that everyone counts as a sort of pity friend. I don't know how to hold conversations. I'm a listener. And clearly bad at getting words out. 90% of my conversations as a kid had to do with literally role playing. It's all I've done since I was like 9. I have never had a need for "outside of school" friends. You know, the ones that you'd go out and about with or get invited to birthday parties or invite to birthday parties. I never really had that. It was always just my cousin and I. Now we're too different.
  20. Hmm... yeah, I can see why making friends would be so difficult for you, then. :/

    Still, though, my advice stands. It'll involve you stepping outside your comfort zone, sure, but I don't know how else you're supposed to make friends aside from meeting people. I can definitely understand why you find it so intimidating, but, that doesn't change the fact that this is really the only way to make friends that I can think to offer.

    If it helps, I would recommend not worrying so much about being a "pity friend". Even if you do wind up in a situation where you think you're the pity friend, how do you really know that the other person sees you that way? How do you know that they don't genuinely care about you and enjoy spending time with you, while you're so worried that everything you say comes off as annoying, probably for no rational reason?

    I wouldn't worry so much about being bad at getting words out, either. At the end of the day, making friends doesn't necessarily mean being talkative, it just means starting a conversation and moving from there. It's still possible to be the person who doesn't do as much talking, especially once you've gotten to know the person more. Conversations don't always mean everyone talking for equal amounts of time, and that's ok -- they don't need that.

    Plus, lot's of people, even the ones who do talk a lot, would agree that they might not be the best at putting things into words. You're not alone in that regard. In fact, I'd argue that doubting one's ability to communicate well verbally is a rather common human trait. XD Heck, it's even possible for outgoing and talkative people to have some serious social anxiety; being afraid of what others might think of you doesn't always translate to being quiet and shy, sometimes it can mean talking to people a lot and then constantly worrying about what you said.

    I'm getting a bit off-topic here, I think, but, my point is, you're not alone in that fear. My only advice is to not let it stop you from braving that fear and talking to new people. Like Gwazi and I said, you'll have to step outside your comfort zone, but that's the only real way to make anything happen.

    Plus, even if you do feel like you're embarrassing yourself, consider this: we don't play a nearly as important role in other people's lives as we often think we do. When we do something potentially embarrassing, we often can't help but dwell on what other people could be thinking about us, but, really, there's a good chance that other people just don't care, and I mean that in a positive way. Think of it like this -- I've seen plenty of friends worry constantly about some small aspect of their appearance -- like, I dunno, a near-invisible stain on a shirt -- and they get so caught up in what other people will think. But, have you other looked at passersby and felt the need to mentally comb through every tiny detail of their appearance and make all sorts of assumptions about their character based off of those observations? Unless you're aiming to be the next Sherlock Holmes, probably not. If you consider the way that you think about strangers and acquaintances on a regular basis, you might realize that the things that keep people so worried about potentially embarrassing themselves are the things that we generally might not even notice when we see it in other people. From your perspective, a social blunder might be a dreadful event to live through that'll keep you up at night thinking about how awful it was. But the person who witnessed that blunder? They might not even remember it tomorrow. While you're worrying about what the other person thinks, the other person isn't even thinking twice about you. There is no real reason to worry.

    Hopefully that little nugget of wisdom will help quell some of your fears. I think that's really all I can offer to you, though -- brave those fears, in whatever way you can, and go for it. Whether in-person or online, you're going to need to get to know people to make friends. I seriously don't know what other fix there is.
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