Is This Supposed to Hurt This Much?

[Pulchritudinous]

So, there's this girl. (Don't the best stories always start like that? Heh.. anyway..) And I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her. This doesn't really sound like something I should be ranting about, I know, but there are plenty of reasons, believe you me.

We met online, and bonded over similar interests; K-pop, fantasy, writing, and various other things. It was slow going at first, but soon she became my best friend. Now we talk every day for hours on end, she knows more about me than most of my family members do. She saved my life back in October when I went through a major bout of depression and was thinking about ending it. And I've helped her through things, too. Including breaking off a five-year relationship with a cheating girlfriend, after which she said she wouldn't date another woman again.

When I realized I had feelings for her, I ended up telling her, and she took it surprisingly well, but nothing really came of it. Which I understood. The distance was too much, her being in Ontario and me in the Midwestern United States. She was fresh off a shitty relationship. And most of all, we wouldn't want to jeopardize we have, would we?

So, I tried to swallow these feelings. I'm still trying to swallow these feelings. But they're slowly getting more intense and it's to the point where I'd gladly drop everything to help her. That I'm perfectly content with saying nothing when we're on the phone because I know she's on the other end. That when she says "I love you" on the phone before we go to bed it actually kind of hurts because I know that when I say it back, I mean it in a very different way.

I don't know what to do. Do I bring it back up and risk making her uncomfortable and messing up our friendship, or do I suffer in silence and wait for these feelings to fade though I doubt they will, any time soon? I've never been in this situation, never had genuine feelings for someone that were this intense.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

Communication is key in any good relationship. If it's causing you a lot of pain, it's all the more reason to talk to her about it. Far too often have I seen people suffer from this kind of situation because they were afraid of ruining the relationship, when in reality they were doing just that by trying to ignore the problem in hopes that it would go away on its own (it won't).

 

[Kyy Namosaka]

I'm in the same situation and I can say, tell her. If you don't you'll live your life wondering what if. Even if she doesn't feel the same, at least you'll know. Good luck no matter what you decide to do.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Like the others have said, communication is key.
And she's already aware of the way you feel about her so the biggest hurdle's already been made.

And not even in a "Should we get together?" way. But if you're close friends, and you feel like this when near her that's something that should be addressed either way. May it to move on to another level, or simply to support each other in finding a way for you both to continue your friendship happily.

That when she says "I love you" on the phone before we go to bed it actually kind of hurts because I know that when I say it back, I mean it in a very different way.

Though I do feel the need to ask. When did this start?
Cause if this happened soon after you admitted your feelings to her she might be hinting something.

Still though, communicate. And do so without jumping to conclusions.
I'm just asking here from a theoretical standpoint to try to get a better grasp on the situation.

 

[Kestrel]

I have to ask, guys, communicate what exactly? I'm all for healthy communication, but how do you think "Hey so it's becoming increasingly difficult to talk to you because I still have feelings for you." is going to work out under a lot of emotional pressure?

I mean it sounds to me like you need breathing room. I'm not saying to cut all ties, but try to get out of the house more. Pick up other hobbies (physical exercise and sports are great) and meet other people so that you, well, don't put all your eggs in the one basket. You know? If you have other outlets that will allow you more balance and perspective; AKA it'll help you get your shit together. The way I read it, and maybe that's reading too far into it, you're a bit dependant on your friend. That isn't a good base for a friendship, much less a relationship. Both are supposed to compliment and sharie happiness, not relying on the other to have it. What I'm trying to say is... Try to learn to be more of your own woman. Don't hide your situation from her, but you know, work towards something constructive for yourself.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

I have to ask, guys, communicate what exactly? I'm all for healthy communication, but how do you think "Hey so it's becoming increasingly difficult to talk to you because I still have feelings for you." is going to work out under a lot of emotional pressure?

I would usually have that concern as well . But if the OP already had the "I like you" discussion before and they're still good friends that indicates a level of maturity and ability to stay calm in emotionally tough situations. As for what exactly to communicate? I'm not either of them so I can't really say what would be the best way to approach it in regards to wording, topic starters etc. Just that this is something that's better addressed than it is ignored left to build up, fester and potentially leak/explode later.

At least by communicating it you're doing it in a calmer, more rational manner and with the intent of figuring something out rather than an emotional spur of the moment.

I mean it sounds to me like you need breathing room. I'm not saying to cut all ties, but try to get out of the house more. Pick up other hobbies (physical exercise and sports are great) and meet other people so that you, well, don't put all your eggs in the one basket. You know? If you have other outlets that will allow you more balance and perspective; AKA it'll help you get your shit together. The way I read it, and maybe that's reading too far into it, you're a bit dependant on your friend. That isn't a good base for a friendship, much less a relationship. Both are supposed to compliment and sharie happiness, not relying on the other to have it. What I'm trying to say is... Try to learn to be more of your own woman. Don't hide your situation from her, but you know, work towards something constructive for yourself.

I'll also be honest here, this is also something I'd usually be concerned about. But in this case I haven't seen any of the red flags or signs suggesting this is one of those obsessive or clingy situations. It honestly does come across to me as someone who just happens to have strong feelings for a person, realises the dangers it can have and is legitimately worried about it.

I mean, I could be wrong here since I'm just going by a little more than a paragraph of text. No tone, no mannerisms to get with it, not ever meeting the OP myself to know what they're usually like or bound to react in such a situation. But I've seen a number of these "I really like this person and don't know what to do!" cases on Counselling where signs of them being a bit too clingy was very obvious, I'm just not getting that impression this time around though.

 

[Kestrel]

We're making different assumptions. What information is of use is for OP to decide.

 

[Pulchritudinous]

Though I do feel the need to ask. When did this start?
Cause if this happened soon after you admitted your feelings to her she might be hinting something.

Well we said that anyway, but after I told her I had feelings it didn't stop.. so I don't know.

I mean it sounds to me like you need breathing room. I'm not saying to cut all ties, but try to get out of the house more.

I've been doing that. I have a job now, I go out with my roommates sometimes... as for meeting new people, I'm doing the best I can. I know it's very likely nothing will come of this, so if I do meet someone, I'm not going to hold back because I'm "waiting for her" or something like that.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

All right.

In that case I would still advise the same thing as in the last post.
Communicate, if for nothing more than to clear the air and not have this weight constantly weighing over you.