Interesting perhaps?

Z

Zorilla

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Original poster
Okay so this semester in college I'm taking Sociology for the first time. The class itself has me thinking in all sorts of interesting ways and then I got to thinking this. "how much does Family effect who we marry." And I wanted to hear and maybe even get a discussion about this going. It'd be wonderful of any iwakian that is married would post about their experience. However, anyone married or not may join up with us. Come with your thinking hats on..
 
I think your family and parents have a huuuuge impact on the sort of person you marry, or your feelings about marriage. o__o


While I was growing up, my parents made a very big deal about "Marriage is for life. You stick through it and make it work, no matter what." Then there was a matter of seeing HOW my parents were married. Half the time I thought they -should- have gotten a divorce. >< They fought a lot, and always seemed unhappy, and there didn't seem to be any respect. So there they were preaching that marriage is for life, but they really didn't seem -happy- with the commitment they made. >>; (Even though I know deep down they do care about each other.)

So that stuck with me. Marriage was a big deal, for life commitment so I wanted to know I was extra extra sure about who I wanted to marry. I was with Gibs for a couple of years before I started bringing up us getting married and then we didn't actually GET married until our 7 year anniversary. .__.;
 
I see that's interesting actually.

When i wrote this I also had in mind the concept of "if the family rejects the potential spouse will WE reject them too?" Or even. "if the family rejects you how much more likely are you to 'break it off' as a easy cope out?"

That too, if you could adress that it'd be great.
 
As far as my family goes, I think that there's a strong emphasis on being happy with the spouse and seeking healthy relationships in my family. There are various divorces, etc. but there's always been a huge focus on making sure that you're not in a relationship that's unhealthy for you and that you can make it without being in a relationship with someone, because the entire family is very supportive and I think that this has fostered both a lot of independence in me, as well as the unintended and slightly negative side-effect of my difficulties with just trusting other people.

In combination with the independence, however, and other things about my childhood, the fact that I've chosen someone whom I can trust and who has my affection and respect has always been enough to at least gain the silence if not acceptance of who I've chosen from my family. I don't think they've ever really wholeheartedly approved of anyone I've dated, but they more or less let me make my own decisions on the matter.
 
Interesting take on it Kitti. have they ever driven a mate away?
 
i have horrible parents then. my mom told me, "the first time you marry, you marry for love. the second time, it's for money." i'm not shitting you. at all.

i met zach, my boyfriend of 5 years in high school, and even now, we are together. we went through college together. even after he dropped out, he still stayed at my dorm, and the teachers in charge of the building knew he didn't belong there, but left us alone because we were good kids. we'd been through a TON together, and i can't imagine not being with him, ever. we've never had a cheating problem, never had some sort of friend drama at all. in fact, my friends LIKE him, which is a big deal to me considering my friends have been around way longer than him, and i didn't want any fights between anyone.

but my mom? nope, she can't stand him. she was beat by my real dad until i was about 4, then finally moved out and met my stepdad, who treats ME like crap. he's been around for about 16 years now, and all he does is think about money money money. he controls her, but she doesn't leave. they're not happy, but they live comfortably.

i guess i learned it my own way, that i prefer morals. i never took my mom's "lesson" to heart, ever. i stick to what i know, and what i know is that as long as there's love, there's a way. money doesn't buy you happiness, and that includes marriage. one day when we have enough money, we're marrying and running away. seriously, and i won't look back for a second. we're on the verge of losing our house. a house THEY own, and let us rent because we can barely make their bills. but i could live in the street, among the trees and starve to death and be fine, as long as he was there with me.

so i didn't learn anything from my parents about marriage, except some hard lessons such as this. and none of them relate to actually getting married, or advice on it:

1. beating people is not okay. ever.
2. fighting is equally not okay. arguments happen. constant bickering and disrespect, no.
3. money doesn't buy you happiness.
4. just because you're not being hit doesn't mean it's not abuse.
5. true love stands up to problems, not run from it.

the more she fights me on looking for someone with a better job and a car, (he works 2 jobs, and works every single day of the week,) the more i just cling to him because i know he does his best, and that's all that matters to me. not everyone has shining examples of parents.
 
Well I really like the wisdome you shared here, but it's not quite what i emant. Family, more than just parents siblings too, affects who we marry wither it's active or latent activites. for instance there must be some traits of your father or other that are distinquishable in your current boyfriend or husband. This is a tried and true tatment that - at least to some extent- girls marry their father. And Boys their mother. There are qualities we like int hem. This affects who we marry, and how... So consider the latent and active roles and treally decide how much afmily effects us ya know? I mostly brough it up to look at hte socilogy of it.
 
Hmm, I don't know, I was nearly into puberty before my mother married my step-father, and I don't consider him a father figure because he's never been one and I already had crushes on boys and such before my mother married him, so I wonder if my choices resemble anything. There's been no real commonality between my boyfriends, anyway... Aside from having glasses.
 
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