Inside Iliana.

I

Iliana

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Original poster
I am
lying still, alone
waiting for darkness;
filling the emptiness
by dreaming and by longing.
Dreaming that I'm listening
to the sound of your breathing.
Longing
to find comfort in closeness,
in the reassurance of your touch,
the sound of your sigh,
the sweet taste of your breath;
safety in
the warmth of your presence.
Longing
to lie at your breast and dream,
mesmerised, dizzy, intoxicated,
of your lips;
to define myself entirely
in terms of you,
to fade into you, to find
immaculate consolation
in you.

But this is illusion,
only more desirable
for being so unattainable.
Alcohol and chemicals
distort reality;
thoughts become echoes,
fleeting and unconnected.
Images swirl and form,
dreamy and enticing,
then wash away to nothing.
Why even try to paint pictures?
Creativity is tiresome;
the canvas stays blank,
uncluttered, pure,
immaculate.

I am
lying perfectly still,
listening to the hypnotic sound
of my own breathing.
Finding comfort in
the enveloping darkness;
safety in
this perfect stillness;
a kind of reassurance
in the numbing emptiness
of this immaculate
desolation.

My sense of self
wavers and blurs.
For a moment,
the prospect of oblivion,
of fading irredeemably
to nothing: blank,
uncluttered, pure,
immaculate:
feels achingly seductive,
embracing, even
alluring.
Just in this moment I glance,
mesmerised, dizzy, intoxicated,
horrified,
towards defeat.​
 
Wow... Holy hell.... amazing..... just... ME GUSTA.
 
Remember when I said I loved you?

Even after you disregarded my words...

​
My bitter sweet words I never meant to still.

​
Even after I tossed and turned losing sleep,

My pillow frost bittern with crystallized tears?

​
Bending to your will to silence myself...

​
Even after you realize you loved me to?

Remember when you almost loved me?​
 
Iliana and Tetsuri in Tales of Orenthia.

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Iliana and Vay. *pfft*

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​
 
THROUGH A CLEAR GLASS
​

It started with me. It always started with me. From the beginning, no one saw the flaw but myself. I was around 5-6. I know what you're thinking; "someone around that age shouldn't have their brains tainted with negative thoughts like that." But I did. Everyone has to start somewhere.

You know how recess works, right? You get a break from classes to spend an allotted amount of time outside with friends. I didn't have friends. I didn't have acquaintances. Everyone was so...classified. The blacks with blacks. Whites with whites. So...where did i belong? I was strong, and decided to try the best of both worlds. When I went with the blacks, I felt so placed. Like I belonged with them. That is...until I spoke. The kids would give me a puzzled look and laugh, claiming that I acted like "a little white girl." They abandoned me...left me there on the swings by myself. A day later, I tried to switch, but it was as the minute I walked up to the group, I was instantly discarded. I looked down at my hands and saw the glint of caramel reflecting back into my brown eyes. Ahh...I see.

So, there was no recess for me. I had to go to a counselor, and sometimes my parents would come. I remember the questions they asked me...the concerns they had for my well being. My parents used to answer for me. The counselor would only nod his head with a "hmm yess...hmmm correct....hmmm yessss." I only dwindled my fingers. That was my recess.


It took one day for me to tell the counselor, "I want to go outside." I remember him pausing, looking towards my Mom and Dad, then back to me.


"Why would you want to go out there?"he asked, peering down his thick glasses. I stole a glance at my parents, then focused back on him.

"I want to play."was all I said. It was quiet. My mom smiled, tears brimming her eyes. My dad did much of nothing except stand, dust his pants off, and shake the counselors hand. The counselor only nodded toward me and said, "Enjoy yourself, Gabrielle."

When I walked down that hallway towards the park, hand in hand with my parents, it all occurred to me. Did I need counseling? Was I forced to stay in that room? Did my parents force me to say something? The answers were no.

To be honest, the only counseling I needed was when the man said my name. Iliana. He was exactly right. He didn't call me "young, confused, mixed girl with a dark complexion but light personality." He called me Iliana. And that's all I ever wanted.


From then on, I have been Iliana. No one but Iliana.
 
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I can deal with the pain;
It's just the same as before.
I never wanted it this way, living in this broken place of misery.
I remember you would tell me everything and more;

You know I was always there for you.
But who am I to stand in your way?

Don't you worry. Soon I'll fade again;
Left with sorrow and your lies, furthermore, your whispers and broken promises.
Now, in the end, know I'm still here, but I have left your shadow;
Steadily finding the soul in which was once mine.

Know that I have left that place, and I have moved toward redemption;
Finding bliss and escaping your sin;
Never to return again.

Only to return again.​
 
There's nothing left anymore, no fire, no power just nothing.
Nothing matters the same anymore, its all just empty.
There's no desires, no feelings, its just numb.


I am nothing and I am no one.
Here I am in the darkness, my heart cold.
I have nothing left to give anymore.

I was never ordinary, never just the same as the rest.
I didn't see the world the way others did
Then one day it came for me;
The day of realization, the day that changed everything forever .


Now I am just here, no more and no less.
My happiness forever out of my reach.
A life of torment without peace.​
 
And yet, another useless arrow wedged into a tree. She was taught better than that. At least, she thought she was tauught better than that. She never wanted anyone to know her name, so she went by Enigma. Enigma ran over to the tree and yanked the arrow from it...surprisngly the thing didn't budge.

"Come on you stupid arrow. Get the hell out of there!"she snapped, placing one foot against the bark of the tree. She yanked as hard as she could. It wasn't hard enough. Instead of the arrow flying out of the tree, Engima flew back, landing straight on her butt. The girl was a rage of colors, emotions, and curse words that didn't escape her mouth yet.

"I left you for a few days. . .and you can't pull an arrow from a tree?"a voice called. Enigma whipped her head upwards but saw nothing. The new comer was toying with her. It wasn't a surprise, though. She knew who it was.

"A few days? For a girl to fend by herself?! That's just low!"she snapped in return. The voice returned, only this time from behind her.

"Awe. Poor defensless girl can't fend for herse--"

An arrow was aimed straight into the face of...him. Enigma's deep brown eyes stared at the boy. She never knew his name. The boy had a smirk planted on his lips; the usual expression.

"You are expecting to hurt me with that. . . ?"he asked. Enigma's answer was the straightening of her body when she held her fingers on the bow string.

"Why are you here? Have you been following me? You think this is some kind of training session, huh? I'm surviving for my life here! This isn't some--"

Her sentence was rudly shut off by a forceful grab at her shoulders, causing her mouth to plant on his own in a kiss. Enigma was a whirlpool of embarrassment, not sure whether to go along with it or stab the arrow repeadtly in his chest, though both sounded good. He broke off the kiss, giving her the same blank look he always did, and walked off, hair waving in the wind.

". . .You talk too damn much."he said before he disappeared. The girl put a sinlge hand against her rapidly beating heart, staring off at nothing but trees and bushes, the same wind whipping her hair around wildly too. When her spell was over and the blush in her face toned down a bit, she made her way back over to the tree in anger. Damn him...she thought, pulling once on the arrow...

...and it released itself from the tree in one quick motion.​
 
Synonyms

You were never one for the truth.
It was easier to lie than it was to be
Honest
Trusting
Sincere

You'd rather be spun a tale of lies,
An epic, pathetically written sonnet of
Darkness
Void
Abyss

But, I brought you out of that, right?
I showed you that you could be
Happy
Content
Glad

Of course, we had some rough times.
We never said it was going to be
Easy
Simple
Elementary

Still, with me, you can make it out of it.
You can make it to a world of
Wonder
Amazement
Fascination

I have always been here for you.
I remember the first time we
Talked
Conversed
Chatted

Man, how scared was I!
All of your words and phrases were so
Intimidating
Compelling
Appalling

That was just the man you were, however.
The man that I learned to
Adore
Admire
Love

This is old news, isnt it?
There is really no other way I can
Explain
Reiterate
Clarify

No matter how different it may seem to you,
The result is always the same:
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.​
 
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