Insane or "Different"?

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Adrian went silent as Stephen spoke. He just didn't know what he should say or do. He was truly scared that he'd lost Stephen to the pain, to the suffering. He always thought of being yelled at as something back, and he winced as if he was being scolded. He looked like he was just waiting to be hit across the face, adorned with whipping and hits until his body was bruised and not moving. He began crying as he sat there. He just couldn't do anything. He was so worthless, he couldn't even help his own boyfriend. He wanted more than anything else for Stephen to be honest with him, to not care how perfect he was or wasn't. He felt like he was going to break. What had he done wrong? Did Stephen really hate his words that much? He was so scared to speak. The tears fell freely from his eyes as he looked at Stephen. "Why... do you get so angry...? Your yelling scares me... I just want... you don't have to be perfect... you don't have to be sorry for being born... I don't care if you're perfect or the most fucked up person on this planet... all I want is your love... then you can be as silly as you want, and ask all of those stupid questions you want... I don't want to pressure you but... why..? Why are you even feeling pressured...? You must've had a reason for wanting to ask me something... and I always fuck it up just because I want you to be honest... because if you wanted to ask me something, why would you stop...? Can't you see I'm not going to laugh...?" He asked as he looked at Stephen with his tears falling from his eyes. He just wanted Stephen to tell him the truth. He just wanted Stephen to be honest with himself and face that Adrian would be the last person to ever want to hurt or harm him in any way at all. When Stephen asked if he was worthless, Adrian began sobbing loudly, holding onto Stephen's body tight to prevent him from going. He couldn't care less about what his parents did or didn't think or see. He was proud of Stephen, perfect or not. "You don't listen either! It doesn't matter if you aren't fucking perfect, or if you're worthless! That doesn't matter! I'm a worthless piece of scum too! I deserve to die too! I don't deserve someone as absolutely wonderful as you... because you are, can't you see it? You've helped me up from the abyss, showed me love and affection for the very first time... and now I don't feel as worthless. I just want you to feel the same... that you can ask me stupid things... because no one is perfect... and I just want you to be the real you with me... not this angry person, not this sad person, not someone who's tough and perfect... I want the you that would, maybe shyly, ask me that question... regardless of how "not perfect" that will make you... we two are probably the most non-perfect humans that will ever exist, but so what? Can't we just be the real us? Can't we just be worthless weaklings who deserve to die, as long as we have each other?" Adrian never stopped crying as he spoke, trying to get through to Stephen.
 
"I get so angry, because people do not listen to words that are loudly and clearly coming out of my mouth. No matter how loud I am, they cannot hear me. It's like being 9 feet under ground. And yes, I do have to be perfect. I want to be perfect. I need to be perfect. Absolutely perfect. I have and want to be perfect, because I'm the most fucking idiot boy on the planet earth. I'm stupid. I'm dumb. I'm ugly. And last but not least, I'm just a piece of useless shit upon this earth. Only if my parents wouldn't have barged into the room that very day..I'd be done. I'd be gone. And this world would now be a happy world. Why am I feeling pressured? Because. I'm not perfect. And just me even about to ask that question, pissed me off badly. No, Adrian, there was no reason. There. I ceased to ask the question because I can. And I wanted to. And right now, we're just making a big deal over a fucking stupid question I was about to ask, all because of me. Yup, those words just had to come out of my mouth. This is why I dislike myself. Do you see what exactly I just caused? Do you, Adrain? Do you see why I'm saying this? It's because of you, not me." Stephen looked up at Adrian, with no emotions shown on his face. He just stared blankly at the other. When I go home, I swear I'm just going to go straight to the train tracks, and lay down on them, not caring if a train will come or not. Just look at what you've done to Adrian. What a great boyfriend you are, Stephen. Making him cry,that was very, very, very, nice of you. Stephen snapped back into reality, when Adrian began sobbing. Stephen continued to stare at the other, but now with a more gloomy look. He wrapped his arms tightly around Adrian, bringing him a bit closer. "Adrian, it matters. It really does. I'm both fucked up and worthless. And no, you're nothing like that. Actually, you should be the one calling me that. I'm just a fucked up moron with absolutely no life and no knowledge, truly, because inside of my head, it's just all black and white to me. This world is simply black and white to me. I see absolutely no color. No color at all. The baby blue sky is grey. The grass that everyone claims to be a spring-colored green, is grey in my point of view. When grey sun is gone, the nothing shines upon. But you, you are the little spark that shines in the darkness, when I do not know which way to go. I know I've just..I've said it a million times, but I just want to be perfect for you. I'm just afraid you'll leave me if I'm not perfect..That's just why I want to be perfect..That's why I didn't want to ask that question. Just please, don't leave me. I won't know what to do if I lost you..really..please don't leave.." His voice became quieter and quieter towards the end of his sentence. He hugged the other even tighter. "You are my light..and I need you to know that..you'll always be my light..and my job is to protect my light..which is you. He whispered, feeling tears form in his eyes. Stephen took both of his hands, and wiped Adrian's tears, with both of his thumbs.
 
Adrian kept shaking his head violently as Stephen spoke. No. Nothing of that was true. Adrian was just being wear and sensitive about it. Never did Stephen do anything wrong or anything to hurt him or make him sad. "Stephen... you... you're my world too. You're all I can think about... you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to hold back... I know it's bad to make a big deal about it... and I didn't want for that to happen... but what I'm trying to... trying to do is make you truly believe that I care about you. And what I care about is that you can ask me whatever. Stupid, not stupid, just whatever you want. That's not what matters here. What matters is that you can be honest with me, and ask me whatever. Because if you keep getting angry at yourself, how can you ever be honest...? Stephen, I don't want you to die. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to hate yourself. I want you to stay here with me, love me, hold me, and tell me that you believe you're worthwhile. Because oh babe, you are worthwhile. You stole my heart away, and I just want you to take it in your hands, embrace it and show it what is inside your mind... I want you to know that I can't leave you. You have my heart in an iron grip... I don't have a means of leaving you, okay? You could attempt to kill me, and I still wouldn't leave. I'm yours, forever yours. Now... why would asking this question make you so angry with yourself? Is it bad in any way? Disrespectful? If it's just a normal "stupid" question, harmless and just weird, then it shouldn't matter... so if you're not going to ask me, can you at least tell me why you won't, aside from that it's stupid and that you're angry with yourself for asking it?" Adrian tried as he stroked Stephen's cheeks. He wanted them to be together forever and ever and out until eternity. He wanted Stephen to be able to tell him all kinds of stupid, worthless things that otherwise wouldn't matter the least. So he kissed Stephen, long and carefully. He wanted them to be together forever, longer than anyone else had ever been in love, wanted them to live and love together for as many years as they could. And, not wanting it to be like the situation was currently, he wanted them to be honest with each other, even about such a "stupid" question as what Stephen was going to ask. He didn't really care what it was about, just that Stephen would at least help him a little with why. Why couldn't he tell? What was so bad about it? He had thought and thought about it but he just didn't know what to do. So he tried to shake it off now, tried not to want to know even if he really badly did want to know. It made him very curious that Stephen didn't want to tell, but it also made him worried. Like he was doing something bad, so he was trying to help himself by asking Stephen what it was about. He knew how annoying it was and he wanted to shut himself up. He wished he could just seal up his mouth and never say anything bad anymore. He tried not to cry again because he knew how broken Stephen was. He knew how bad the other felt. God, he hated himself like pest. He really couldn't do anything right without fucking it up. He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, trying to hold back his tears, never wanting anything to happen. He didn't want them to hate each other.
 
"I just..I'm sorry...I'm just naturally that way..one minute I'm feeling great and crap..then the other minutes, I'm a completely different person. And my feelings and emotions change so rapidly throughout the day..I just can't..I just cannot help to get angry at myself. It's really hard not to, and most people don't really understand that..No matter what I do, their going to keep changing rapidly with absolutely no real understandings.." The whole time, Stephen's voice was a silent whisper, but his voice truly sounded sincere. He just couldn't hold what he was feeling inside of him anymore. Because soon, he knew he wouldn't be able to take this bottled up feeling anymore. Stephen quickly jumped from his thoughts, and landed back into reality, not wanting to leave Adrian hanging. "If you really want me to do that, I would be happy to, Adrian. I'd love to stay with you. I'd love to protect you. I'd love to laugh with you. Heck, I'd even want to cry with you. But..I know I keep saying this..but..I don't want you to leave me ever. That's the only thing I really have a fear of-- loosing you. And about that question...it's just outright weird and doesn't mean anything. I mean, it just makes me feel a bit..embarrassed..even thinking about it just makes my blood rise to my cheeks..and right now, I'm starting to think about it. But the question itself is embarrassing, to he point where I just dropped the subject of it, and absolutely failed to ask it.." Stephen explained, barely taking any breaths to pause. Usually, when he got a bit nervous, his talking would increase in speed, and would decrease in loudness. He shyly looked up at Adrian, hoping he wouldn't ask any more questions about the unfinished question. When Adrian kissed him, he gently kissed back-- but with a bit of hesitation. He got the strange feeling Adrian was mad at him, although that really wasn't true. Well Stephen, looks like you've messed up again. Ugh..you really sicken me. Go drive a car off of a fucking bridge. Stephen looked up at the other again, and then his eyes wandered off to somewhere else. He didn't really have the strength to look at Adrian. He felt like he had completely let him down, all because of his attitude. "Gomenasai..I'm sorry.." He whispered, his gaze still not wandering off anywhere towards the other male. "I'm so very sorry..Gomenasai.. He added to his previous apology. He felt like he could just could, and had to apologize 1,000 times. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..I'm so sorry...I'm just..sorry..." His mind couldn't really acknowledge what he was exactly apologizing for. "..For everything.." He added. Stephen placed his arm over hid eyes, to prevent him from seeing everything. "I should..I should just go get a knife and..run the blade across my wrists and my neck..ever so delicately..I should just lay peacefully on train tracks while the train is coming ever so quickly..and won't be able to halt..I should just stand on top of a building as tall as the forever known World Trade Center towers..and just let my body fall forward..what wonderful and bloody..painful deaths..I could think about doing sometimes..Or either..I could simply just put a gun in my mouth..and then boom..Brain shushie..!" Stephen was chuckling the whole entire time as if he didn't hear what he was saying to himself. He didn't even acknowledge that he was saying it outloud, and the same went with his surroundings. "What fun..wouldn't that be fun..?" He just kept talking into mid air, as if no one was ever there.
 
Adrian shook his head violently as Stephen began talking about killing himself. He truly scared Adrian to the point where he just wanted to cry and cry and cry. But he couldn't do anything right now. He allowed himself to break down into sobbing as he hugged Stephen slightly. "Stephen... if you die I swear... I swear I'll kill myself! Everytime you harm yourself... I'll inflict the same amount of pain on myself... until you understand that what you do don't just hurt yourself but also me...! Stephen, please.. please wake up, look at me, acknowledge me, love me, be with me... don't die on me... I will blame you my entire life, bring your dead soul back here on planet earth and force you to watch me punish myself... I swear if you die you'll never be happy... so please... Stephen... be happy here with me, together and alive... I'll do anything to help these emotions of yours, spill them out to me, tell me how exactly you feel inside that heart of yours... tell me exactly why you think you deserve a violent, bloody death and I'll teach you that that's all just bullshit you made up inside your mind, because you're wonderful, kind, nice, and even if you're in pain, you've still provided me with more than anyone has ever given me in my life... that's why... I want you to forget about killing yourself. There's people here who care about you. I care about you. Then you don't need to worry about anything else. If I care that's all that matters. Do you want me to feel pain? What I understand, you don't. I might not be showing this very well, but I'm in pain. Pain that you're doing this to yourself... it hurts me. It hurts me a whole lot that you do this to yourself, Stephen. You don't deserve it. If you deserve death, so do I. Do you want me to die? No, you don't. Then you won't die either. If you die, I'm going with you. You understand that?" Adrian was really just trying to make Stephen understand how he truly felt, how worried and lonely it was to be unable to help even if Stephen loved him and he loved Stephen back. "I love you with my entire being... if you can't find a reason in yourself to live, then live for me...! Live because you know that I can't live without you! Stephen... please just... please just listen to me, okay?! I... I love you, and I need you. I can't live without you... so live for me, and I'll live for you... we'll live for each other and be happy... then we can finally feel happiness being together... but we have to stick together or nothing will go good... Stephen... I love you, I treasure you, and I'm not going to let you die... I'm going to use hoodoo mojo on you if you die, and bring your ass back into this world, because you cannot die on me. Don't apologize, don't do anything like that. No. Just live for me, love me, and think about where I would be if you were to kill yourself." When Adrian finished, he hugged Stephen close and forced kisses on him, forced Stephen to look at him. He wouldn't allow Stephen to kill himself or be unhappy any longer. Now Adrian was here, and that was to help Stephen. Even if Stephen didn't want the help, he was going to provide it. He was from now on going to be Stephen's lifeline, whether his boyfriend wanted him to or not. "I'll introduce you to my parents, tell them how proud and happy I am that you're my boyfriend and that thanks to you, I've learned to appreciate life. Weren't we two supposed to shit on what the world thinks? Weren't we freaks that should just be with each other forever until we grow old? So fuck death! Fuck everything! Just think about me... me and only me... I want you to submit to my selfishness and only think of me.. only love me, live for me... so why don't you do that...? I will provide your purpose in life, and you'll just live on... we'll get out of here one day, move in together and have awesome lives.. that's why... please... Stephen, it's fine, about that question, I don't care, but please... do realize how much I love you and want you to be okay... and I won't let you die because you don't deserve that, and I'm not angry so don't worry about that either. Please, Stephen. Please."
 
A faint smile appeared on Stephen's face, and he shook his head very slowly. He reached up, and began wiping the tears on Adrian's face again, with his thumbs. "Adrian..you need to know something..I practically mean nothing to this black and white world I cannot escape. I deserve to die, for all the things I've done. Adrian..you don't. You deserve to live on peacefully. I wouldn't have to worry you. All these bottles up emotions inside of me? Inside of my heart? Why I deserve a bloody and violent death? I deserve a bloody and violent, painful death because I didn't even belong here from the start, and the world would be so so so so much better without me. And these emotions..they're just all over the place...I feel like gravity is weighing down completely down on me, just waiting for me to give up any moment now. All this pressure building up on my back. And I just realized something-- I didn't have to kill myself, because I was already dead on the inside. Because something in me had already died, long before I every met you. Everything that is seemingly good about me, is just all a lie. I'm a horrible person. So therefor, you deserve to live. Never will you have to die for your own good, just because of an idiot person like me. Never, Adrian. I love you too much, but..because of..me..but..I.." Stephen looked away from Adrian, and began to cover his eyes again. It was just too painful for Stephen to see Adrian like this. I just..I just don't know what's wrong with me..I'm just delirious out of my mind.. Stephen, being confused as always, ran his fingers through his own hair, as his thoughts began to pile up on him again. He didn't reply at all, having no choice but to just give in to Adrian's embrace, and accept his kisses. He tried to look away, but really couldn't, because there was really nothing else to look at. Stephen had no choice but to just simply close his eyes, instead of struggling and struggling and struggling. Stephen slowly shook his head, placing his arms over his eyes again, chuckling lightly. "Adrian, I'm sure your parents would despise of me, anyways. They'd hate me instantly. Like everyone else when I was first introduced the world. And fine. Fuck everything. Fuck the world, fuck all these damned people that are living upon the world, fuck every fucking thing. I get it. I'll be glad to grant that wish for you, though-- you're the only thing that's really important in this whole world-- you. You, you, and you. Adrian, Adrian, and Adrian. Because everything is simply fading to black in this world except for you. But always know, just always keep it mind, that I'll always be already dead on the inside.." Stephen finally removed his arm away from his eyes, but covered the rest of his face, and stared straight at Adrian. "Can you see any life in them..? Probably not..but do you see hatred and revenge written all over them?" He whispered, instantly referring to
 
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Adrian stubbornly shook his head as Stephen talked to him. He didn't want that to be true. Because he loved Stephen, and didn't want him to die. Because it would hurt Adrian if Stephen wound up dead. A life without Stephen wasn't a life for him. He kissed Stephen's cheeks as he trailed off. "Please... I know that there's nothing in this world for you... but you're one of things that are in this world for me... if you don't want to be with me that's fine... but if you wanna be with me, then don't die... allow me to paint your world Stephen, paint it in beautiful and sparkling colors that will make your mind open up... because whatever died inside you can be replaced, I'll gladly help you do it... Stephen... you can't die... no one deserves death, no matter what they have done... I don't want you to feel any pain anymore... not because of me, not ever... listen... let me heal you... stop putting yourself down... you might be falling, sinking, drowning... but I'm here... and I'll drag you out of that damn hole until the day you won't fall down anymore... I know it's hard to bear, a heavy burden, and it hurts and crushes you five feet beneath the ground.. but if you won't let anyone try and dig you out you'll never get free... sometimes you need to not only scream but also listen. Listen around you. Can you hear that? A bunch of feet above you. Yep, that's a shovel. It's digging. Digging after you. That shovel digger is me. I'll fight. Through these feet of dirt, this heavy burden, I'll dig down and find the person you really are. Which is Stephen, my lovely but burdened boyfriend." Adrian said softly as he looked into Stephen's eyes. He really loved Stephen, truly and sincerely. Stephen was all that mattered to him, all that he needed in his life ever. And he was happy that Stephen accepted his hugs and kisses, but when Stephen attempted to look away, he forced the other to look at him. He wanted Stephen to see his true feelings, how he really wanted them to be. He wanted them to be everything. He kissed Stephen passionately as he tried to look at the other with his most serious and loving expression. He was completely devoted to Stephen and his love for Stephen. And he'd do anything to fight Stephen out of that coffin he was in. "Listen, I don't care what my parents do or don't think about you. You're mine and I'm proud of you, and that's enough for me, okay? I know that you can't let go of this blackness enveloping around you, closing in on you, and I might be the only color in this blackness... but then I'll be your artist. I'll pick up my palette and my brush, painting your world in the colors you deserve, bright and beautiful to suit you. Because you're still breathing, and that's enough reason to fight. I'll make you live again, Stephen. If it's the last thing I do in my life, I'll make you live. I'll drag out that last bit of life in you and use it to push alive the rest of your body.." He looked into Stephen's eyes, shaking his head at every word Stephen said. Because he was sure in his case and just wanted Stephen to accept it. "No... that's not right at all... I'm looking into your eyes... and the hatred and revenge is there, sure... but it's not the only thing. Deep, deep inside I can see something else. It's hope. It's subtle, but deep inside, you're hoping. Hoping to be saved. And I'll do that for you, Stephen."
 
((Just keeping this alive 'till BadApple is ok again))
 
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