"Include These Song Lyrics" Challenge #1 - critique needed, please

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Synthetic Seraph, Oct 8, 2012.

  1. "Include These Lyrics" Story Challenge #1

    I am so incredibly new so please excuse me if my ideas don't match the way the community does things here. I notice a lot of these challenges don't have feedback listed. But I really want both - a rating on my scene's personality and quality, AND seeing what results you great and varied writers come up with from the suggested material.

    Challenge: Include two lines from the following song. The two quotes don't have to come from the same verse back-to-back, or appear joined together in the same paragraph within your writing. Please underline, bold, or differently color the lines you use. There is no limit or requirement to the size of your story or scene.

    One of These Days - Foo Fighters

    One of these days, the ground will drop out from beneath your feet
    One of these days, your heart will stop and play its final beat

    One of these days, the clocks will stop and time won't mean a thing
    One of these days, their bombs will drop and silence everything

    But it's alright, yeah it's alright, said it's alright
    Easy for you to say
    Your heart has never been broken
    Your pride has never been stolen
    Not yet, not yet, one of these days
    I bet your heart'll be broken
    I bet your pride'll be stolen
    I'll bet, I'll bet, I'll bet, I'll bet
    One of these days, one of these days

    One of these days, your eyes will close and pain will disappear
    One of these days, you will forget to hope and learn to fear

    Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i0iBs-J5BU
  2. "Your Heart Will Stop and Play Its Final Beat (Say I Love You)"

    “I love you.”

    “You make that obvious.”

    “Hey. That’s no answer. Do you love me?”


    “Come on.”


    “Say it.”

    “…So be it.”

    “This better be good.”

    “…You no longer have to jump off a building to get my attention. You are allowed to speak with me freely. You’ve caused me to accept your company and even seek it out. You’ve impressed me, won me over, and gotten me to be with you, despite my disgust for all other human beings.

    Our first time after sex, you were washed clean by my hand, as your right. The scars upon your back are etched just as clearly in my memory. No other being, human or immortal, may have me as long as you are mine. When it seemed as if you’d moved on to another lover, neither one of you suffered my retaliation; you were allowed to carry on the life you chose, unhindered.

    Criminals died at my hands before they could do you harm. If preventing damage to your mortal body means my pain, it is given. If ensuring your long life and freedom means my enslavement after you’re gone, that’s what takes place.

    You have my loyalty until the end of your lifespan, throughout old age and to the grave.
    One of these days the ground will drop out from beneath your feet. One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat.
    When that happens, the last thing in this world that you see is me, beside you.
    Then all things become pointless for me, and nothing brings me away from your body until my own formidable figure has withered away.”

    The mortal stared at him a moment, awestruck at a definition of love in depths and nuances that were barely even comprehensible. Then the human gave a hard thump on the shoulder and dodged away.


    The black-haired, black-winged seraph peered, calculating. It would require less energy for him to continue playing the part of the Mountain, an indifferent monolith standing there immobile while all other life scurried on about its life cycle around him. If he did, his lover would give a few more attempts at pestering him and then reluctantly quit in resignation. But if the seraph was Mountain, the other was Fire, full of life and sun and energy. Wildfire warms mountains, transforms their landscapes. And from the gleaming eyes and light-footed stance, the seraph knew what game his chosen was trying to provoke.

    “You should explain yourself,” the vulture-angel uttered solemnly, calm words a quiet mismatch as his muscular figure suddenly lunged forwards, tearing after his human target.

    The other roared with laughter, leading the chase. “BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SAY IT!