Immortality's End: Return of Gods

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@Princess Misaou @Nemopedia
Unless your character was sheltered wholly and completely their entire life, any sight of her would raise warning flags and fellow Compliesians would be on her family like a Mecrundyr mob on a wounded werefolk. Dark elves aren't necessarily better at "dark magic" than Alkrisians either. They're just dark skinned. Has nothing to do with their attunement to particular magicks.

Your grammatical ability also is not quite up to par with what I'm expecting for this roleplay.

As it seems you two are a pair, I'll leave it up to Nemopedia to decide if they want to remain in this roleplay, as I see little issue with their CS.

@Click This
Exactly how high are you proposing her status be as an Alkrisian officer? It's not a complaint, just a question of curiosity right now. Aka, how many troops does she command, what sort of privileges would she have, etc... Can you give me a real-world rank equivalent in the US military?
 
Unless your character was sheltered wholly and completely their entire life, any sight of her would raise warning flags and fellow Compliesians would be on her family like a Mecrundyr mob on a wounded werefolk. Dark elves aren't necessarily better at "dark magic" than Alkrisians either. They're just dark skinned. Has nothing to do with their attunement to particular magicks.

Your grammatical ability also is not quite up to par with what I'm expecting for this roleplay.

As it seems you two are a pair, I'll leave it up to Nemopedia to decide if they want to remain in this roleplay, as I see little issue with their CS.
So she would've sheltered because she uses dark magic?

And by not grammatically up to par do you mean I simply didn't write enough or there were spelling errors. I can link you to some of my other roleplays that I'm in so that you can really judge if I'm up to par or not or if you'd like I can redo my entire skeleton. Regardless if your word is final I'll argue no further. Just wanted to know if I can have another shot that's all

Edit: Here are some examples of my work. If you still feel that I'm incompetent for your roleplay I'll take my leave then.

Blood&Water: Jinx

Hogwarts: New Gen: Sabrina Gallagher Post

Hogwarts: New Gen: Madison Van Reeden Post
 
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@Princess Misaou
Asuras means that you don't use commas where there should be, and thus, many of your sentences read like an exhausting run-on. It may seem like a nitpick, but for people with English as a mother language, it can be irritating to read through sentences that have no 'breaks' in between.

Also, he's referring to how she's a filthy half-blooded dark-light elf (a gray elf, perhaps? XD). Powerful families would always have their fair share of enemies, and if the hatred dark elves have for light elves are as intense as I think they are, the dark elf populace isn't going to give a fuck about how powerful the Cardinale family is. If one of their own is intermingling with their blood-sworn enemy, that's probably going to be a bad time for the Cardinales. Think reactions of the KKK towards the fraternization of a Caucasian male and an African-American female.

Thus, Asuras is saying that, unless she was completely sheltered from the entirety of the public's gaze, Claudia isn't just going to get bullied. She's going to get lynched alongside her mother, or something like that.

I suppose, though, if the racism runs deep enough that they've started wars against each other for no actual reason, just knowledge of the fact that the Cardinales treat a light elf hostage 'kindly' is going to send all sorts of sparks flying with the other dark elves.
 
Revisions have been made; mostly fluff.
 
@Princess Misaou @Nemopedia
Unless your character was sheltered wholly and completely their entire life, any sight of her would raise warning flags and fellow Compliesians would be on her family like a Mecrundyr mob on a wounded werefolk. Dark elves aren't necessarily better at "dark magic" than Alkrisians either. They're just dark skinned. Has nothing to do with their attunement to particular magicks.

Your grammatical ability also is not quite up to par with what I'm expecting for this roleplay.

As it seems you two are a pair, I'll leave it up to Nemopedia to decide if they want to remain in this roleplay, as I see little issue with their CS.

@Click This
Exactly how high are you proposing her status be as an Alkrisian officer? It's not a complaint, just a question of curiosity right now. Aka, how many troops does she command, what sort of privileges would she have, etc... Can you give me a real-world rank equivalent in the US military?
About the same as a major O-4, I suppose. You're looking at numbers around 40-250, commanding about the size of a company, during some of those skirmishes. Maybe a battalion XO at some point in the past.
 
//wakes up to a storm.

Huh?



"For Nohr Complies!"

...Sorry

XD What the...

10/10 for that pun. 100/10 for making me laugh first thing in the morning.

Clearly, society in Immortality's End is that of a matriarchy, and most boys are killed at birth because they can't be as productive as girls.

Fun fact: Saree and Claudia originally came from a role play in which they were a race called; Ma'archy that had a matriarchy.

Your grammatical ability also is not quite up to par with what I'm expecting for this roleplay.

As it seems you two are a pair, I'll leave it up to Nemopedia to decide if they want to remain in this roleplay, as I see little issue with their CS.

Princess Misaou
Asuras means that you don't use commas where there should be, and thus, many of your sentences read like an exhausting run-on. It may seem like a nitpick, but for people with English as a mother language, it can be irritating to read through sentences that have no 'breaks' in between.

Ouch. You two really are banding it on, huh? I feel like the same points could have been raised up against me. However, that is just a matter of opinion.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm going to assume that @ERode is a Co-GM of sorts? They sure are acting as one, I just can't find the announcement for it.

By the way, I think that for a next time character reviews are done better over PM. Just to avoid the awkward situation where you publically embarrass someone. Would be nice, I think. For this looked like a public execution.

Fun fact 2: I'm the non-native speaker and writer.

That being said. Yes, Saree and Claudia are a pair. I could and would have joined on my own, wasn't it for the course of actions taken here. Yes, I'm going to be just as vague about it as you are, but I think most of it are 'implied' here within.

Tl;dr: Good luck with the role play. I don't think I will join you guys on your journey. Have fun.
 
@Princess Misaou
Asuras means that you don't use commas where there should be, and thus, many of your sentences read like an exhausting run-on. It may seem like a nitpick, but for people with English as a mother language, it can be irritating to read through sentences that have no 'breaks' in between.

Also, he's referring to how she's a filthy half-blooded dark-light elf (a gray elf, perhaps? XD). Powerful families would always have their fair share of enemies, and if the hatred dark elves have for light elves are as intense as I think they are, the dark elf populace isn't going to give a fuck about how powerful the Cardinale family is. If one of their own is intermingling with their blood-sworn enemy, that's probably going to be a bad time for the Cardinales. Think reactions of the KKK towards the fraternization of a Caucasian male and an African-American female.

Thus, Asuras is saying that, unless she was completely sheltered from the entirety of the public's gaze, Claudia isn't just going to get bullied. She's going to get lynched alongside her mother, or something like that.

I suppose, though, if the racism runs deep enough that they've started wars against each other for no actual reason, just knowledge of the fact that the Cardinales treat a light elf hostage 'kindly' is going to send all sorts of sparks flying with the other dark elves.
First of all, there have been instances where KKK members get along well with African Americans. Just pointing that out there. (And while I appreciate you coming forward, I did want the GM to talk to me to give me their reasons straight from their mouth. And being a native English speaker myself I, quite frankly, don't give a damn, but I guess that's just me.)

And I guess if I'm not "grammatically up to par" because I didn't use commas correctly then, to be fair, I'm not the only one that should have to be ridiculed for this issue.(My such a minor issue to be rejected for. Oh well) But I understand nonetheless. I'm going to pull out of this anyway, having lost interest. I don't see any wiggle room here and I certainly don't feel welcomed here either. Though, in the future, I would recommend giving full explanations of why someone isn't accepted, rather than brushing them to the side and saying that "you're not at my level". Also, it's common courtesy in cases like this when you're rejecting someone, to at least PM them, instead of saying it to a full audience. That way they won't feel like shit in front of everyone and it makes you seem like less a jerkface. I also don't need to be told that I'm basically not a good writer, that's not constructive criticism that's just being an asshole. Yeah, there's a difference. I take pride in my writing and insulting my ability to do something I love is a low blow. So, I'll take my leave. I don't want to be somewhere well I will be ganged up on, bullied, and then kicked to the curb like I'm trash. I deserve better than that and I value myself enough to not stoop so low as to have to prove myself to strangers, whose opinions should be irrelevant to me anyway. So I take back what I said about looking at my work, no need to worry about it anymore since I will be leaving, just as you all wanted.

I would say thank you for your time but I feel like it's been a waste since this had to end so negatively. Good luck in your future endeavors.
 
One, I'm not a co-GM. I just like to point shit out in regards to characters, especially if it doesn't seem like Asuras is going to reply any time in the future. Been in a bunch of RPs with him, and thus, have a good idea of how his opinions function.

Two, there's no need to take things so personally when it comes to criticism. Asuras simply stated that you weren't on par with his expectations, and I brought forth a reason as to why he sees it that way.

Three, you can totally take pride in your writing skills. But perhaps the criticisms of others have some truth to them? Asuras and I could have pulled our punches until they were just love taps (well, I could. Dunno about Asuras), but it might be a bit of a problem in this RP if you can't even take some peer-review.

Four, why do you deserve anything? We're all strangers, and your opinions are just as irrelevant to us as ours are to you. So, really, what the hell? If you want to be treated with any sort of respect, earn it first and don't react so drastically.

Five, feel free to disregard everything if you want to though. Have fun with your own RPs, make a nice story, improve more as a writer, etc.
 
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About the same as a major O-4, I suppose. You're looking at numbers around 40-250, commanding about the size of a company, during some of those skirmishes. Maybe a battalion XO at some point in the past.

Hm... Okay. I'll make it work.

IC coming today.
 
Er... Uh..
...
Hey there.
Buddy ol' pal.​
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Nier.(Character).full.173374.jpg
"Truth be told, I don't really know why I'm traveling. Maybe it's to see the world, maybe it's to find my purpose... Maybe it's... Because... of..."

Siegue Yiura

Sex:Male

Age:27

Race:Human

Nationality:Verdigris


Personality:
Pros:
+Down to earth+
+Kindhearted+
+Fairly humorous+

Cons:
-Rude at times, even if he doesn't mean it.-
-Lazy-
-Has a tendency of going easy in combat-
-Too trusting-



Biography:
>Lived with his widowed father as the owners of one of the inns in Verdigris, as his mother didn't live long after his fourth birthday.

>Took a liking to magics of the dark kind and would often run off to learn from a former mage who took the wrong path, simply because it was interesting. This was much to the dismay of his father.

>Wanted to become a swordsman and did thanks to a traveling friend of his father's, also much to the dismay of said father. Though he never went as far as to become a knight.

>Began traveling Yismael at the age of 24, shortly after his father's death, all the while still indulging himself in both dark magic and swordplay. During his journey he encountered a being within him who calls itself a god, "Manitou".


Powers/Abilities/Skills:
"Manitou"- Manitou is a spirit of some sort, who lies within Siegue, only appearing outside for but for a few seconds at most, the way he uses it. It takes the form of a sentient disembodied right arm.
Siegue thinks of it as a byproduct of his obsession with diving into the dark arts.
Manitou is used during attacks to get at least one more extra hit in on an opponent.
A hard one.
Aside from that, Siegue sees Manitou as a demon who uses his body for it's own personal gain(Coincidentally enough), and tries his best not to use it. Overuse causes him to lose feeling in his right arm and grow extremely fatigued. He also noticed a black mark on his arm that grows with overuse. Whether or not Manitou is good or bad is generally difficult for Siegue to determine as it'll occasionally even heal deep wounds, albeit slowly.


True speed- Siegue is able to enhance his senses and avoid a multitude of occurrences that could possibly end his life, dodging them with incredible speed. Partially thanks to Manitou.

Skyward Execution- Siegue sacrifices some of his stamina and blood to erect spears of energy from the ground, aptly turning anything around him into a kabob. One could consider this "crowd control" so to speak. Overuse reasonably causes fatigue.

Darkness- Siegue takes a penalty in stamina to improve just how much more damage he can dish out. This typically causes him to grow a bit reckless and imprudent, causing more harm to himself than aid.

Souleater- This attack begins with Siegue pervading his hand in a dark haze. He jams his fingers into his target and takes whatever bravado they had, making it his own. He finds himself unable to stomach using this sort of skill and tends not to.
However, as one could imagine, certain issues will arise if said target is wearing metal to protect them.


Bind- Siegue engulfs his weapon in a dark haze and impales an enemy. They'll be stuck where they are until the weapon breaks by any means , the haze fades, is removed, violently or otherwise, or they meet their untimely end. Anyroad, he's likely to lose some of his bodily health as well as his weapon if he uses this.

Note: I did some reasearch, and what I have listed now should fit the boundaries of Dark magic, which is when positively used, usually summarized as "power with a price". Black magic however is a different type apparently, either used with emotion or concentrated skill, so yeah, I messed up at first.

Equipment:
He wields an broadsword engraved with a short message in his left hand, one he received from his mother's eldest brother as a coming of age gift.

At the moment his armour is just that, He has a small breastplate, but most of his stuff is extremely tough boiled leather.

He, like other sane travelers, has a bag with separate compartments, so that what's important usually doesn't break or tear or the like.

And last, but by no means the least, he carries a scroll filled with runes he can't quite read. (Unwittingly, at the behest of Manitou.)

Tell me if there's anything else I should add in or edit.​
 
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Just sending a thing of good luck~
I'll look out for this! You certainly spent some time with this!
 
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"It's better for the innocent to live rather than to let them die to save yourself."

Nalan Nevermore

Male | 21 | Human | Mecrundyr

Personality
+Quick Learner
+Friendly
+Reliable

-Naive
-Quick tempered
-Unpredictable



Biography

- Father passed by a severe illness, and his mother with the same illness passed giving birth to him. He lived in Mecrundyr with his "Uncle" Namar, an elf, known as a great assassin in the southern hemisphere of Yismel in which he hid from Nalan, and attempted but failed to persuade Nalan as his successor .


- Was shoved into the world, when his uncle left him with a burnt down house and no note, after realizing that Nalan was too kind to pick up on his profession. So after being abandoned he enjoyed a life of helping the poor and less fortunate. Whether fighting guards, stealing, or nursing the sick. Acting out a role of a hero, for five years and perfecting his most needed abilities through trial and error with guards or sick patients.

- He made a name for himself when, after robbing a few rich nobles to help out the poor residents and mistreated civilians, they set a contract on him. Five different masters came to take the contract individually, each event ended up with the assassins being bloodied, and him appearing on the streets with zero to little scratches. They dropped some of the contracts thinking he would come after them to remove the contracts by taking out the owner. Though he cared little of threatening them to take away the contracts since they technically weren't in the wrong for wanting their money back.


Powers/Abilities/Skills:

Jack Of All Trades
Nalan picks up on everything someone teaches him. Whether professions, languages, or customs he tends to figure it out or memorize quickly. He only tends to go so far in each field never truly mastering it all, but picks up on the basics and is able to put them to use in a situation that is in dire need of that profession. He can pass as an amateur in almost every field of expertise which helps him fit in with people and makes it easier for him to be reliable in that person instead of being a burden.

Blade Steal
As a quick learner, he notices a pattern in his opponents sword play. He can pick up on the basics of the combat style and use it against his opponent by what seems to be reading their minds, making a move that he thinks will counter their technique. He lacks the ability to use the combat style for his own, and has failed multiple times trying to mimic renowned warriors by attempting to simply copy the techniques or fit it into his own sword play.

Herb Gatherer
While he lacks the magically ability to heal, he has a very wide knowledge of herbs and has learned to cure the worse of sicknesses or treat the most severe of wounds. He has a very extensive knowledge of every plant and tree that is used in the field of medicine. He is so skilled with herbs he can make cures for sicknesses that are unknown. He lacks the ability to heal diseases caused by magic but can prolong the body in order to find a proper healer. With this skill he also knows many poisons but rarely uses them unless it's used to paralyze.

Creed of The Sorrowful
Modified version of the sword play Creed of Sin, in which a person uses short sword and a dagger. In this creed he uses two parrying daggers. His style is intended to tire out, and wound an opponent. It's a very dodgy fighting style in which he side steps and never really stops maneuvering. His techniques focus around tendons, and not kill strikes unlike the Creed of Sin. He likes to bleed out the opponent where they start to feel weak from blood loss or simply can't move, but can severely injure or kill with this technique just as easily. Though the fighting style has few flaws, he finds people with an enormous amount of brute strength hard to handle.


Equipment

Nocturne
His black dagger that flows with a black mist swirling inside the blade itself. Though he has no magical ability, at night, it can cover him slightly Darkness making him more difficult to see to the naked eye though it does not make him completely invisible, but more of a moving shadow. He can control these shadows to move to specific parts of him. He received this blade from his "uncle" when he showed promise in the assassination profession. He was tasked out to master this blade to it's fullest.

Artemis
An extremely white blade, the color is that of a blanket of snow. The metal is especially sharp, able to cut very precisely and smoothly. Most blades tend to slide off the white metal easily, but creates a friction that gives off a bright flash enough to stun the target with it's light. This is a knife he stole from a very rich noble's house during a job to get back some money the noble stole from a weapon smith through an unfair bet. He tends to cover his eyes with Nocturne just before he uses the flash ability this sword offers so he is not also blinded.

Belt Pouches
He frequently has stored herbs in sort of a liquid form to put on his blades or needles to use as a paralysis. He also has smoke bombs made from the shadow like material Nocturne gives off. Most pockets are filled with needles for numerous uses such as lock picking.​
 
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@Ser K+
At best Manitou calling itself a god is mere delusion. Also am I missing something about him being a dark mage? He doesn't seem to use much beyond Skyward Execution, which seems more like blood magic than anything.

@Gold
He defeated 5 simultaneous "master" assassins having picked up his skills from the riff-raff? Doesn't quite add up, honestly.
 
You know what, that makes sense. Hold on a bit. Totally forgot about blood magic too.

Edit imminent. I just need to get to my computer.


Oh, and Manitou wasn't intended to actually be a god nor a devil or demonlord or whatever btw. Just to clarify.
(Especially so since they're assumed to all be dead.)
 
Oh, apologies. I never intended for it to sound like he took on five masters simultaneous, but I suppose should have clarified they were five different occasions that someone took his contract.

Fixed.
 
Oh, apologies. I never intended for it to sound like he took on five masters simultaneous, but I suppose should have clarified they were five different occasions that someone took his contract.

Fixed.

Well, independent attacks too seem kind of unrealistic. If they're "master assassins" then what kind of assassin could actually defeat Nalan? Demigod assassins?
 
Well, independent attacks too seem kind of unrealistic. If they're "master assassins" then what kind of assassin could actually defeat Nalan? Demigod assassins?
Independent attacks would be prudent of an assassin, considering most are prideful of their own work and secrecy of themselves (at least what they look like). Any assassin could defeat Nalan, he is a human, I'm not saying the assassin's can't kill him at any point, he was just prepared at the time. I'd be on guard if I stole from a rich noble, not thinking I got away with it cleanly.
 
You have my apologies about the delay, I was a moron and turned my computer off mid progress. Twice.

Anyways I added more dark magic-like abilities, so now Siegue either seems edgy af or like an incarnation of some kind of classic final fantasy dark knight.



Dark magic is rough stuff. Just like that the guy's starting to became a bit intimidating.
Well, review it and let me know what you think, boss.
 
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