I'm Still Loving You

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King

I read it in the paper so it must be true.
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I'm an afternoon and 1am poster lmao
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  1. Female
  2. Transgender
  3. Primarily Prefer Male
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- World War I II
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Audie S. Jäger
"The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war. "
- Douglass MacArthur

The war was only just begun, but Audie didn't know that. He was promised a quick battle to crush the allies, then he'd be back singing in no time. Of course, he believed that. Most men did. None of them thought they were signing away their life when they joined the German army. Hitler promised victory, Audie just had to go out there and get it. 1939 was going to be the year for victory.

It was the morning before he re-joined a new squadron. Audie had been discharged from the hospital from a war injury. It was only an explosion to the face, but it was too close to his brain for him to carry on. But he and his other troops were ready to advance on the western front to win this war. Audie thought about it as he brushed his teeth, listening to his parents having a little argument in their front room. He couldn't make out the words, but he knew his mother was crying.

"Please mama, I'll be gone until we defeat the Brits. So we won't be gone for long, right father?" Audie smiled up at his father, both of them dressed in their unifroms. Of course his dad was a Gestapo officer, a policeman who didn't have to fight on the front line. Audie was dressed up in his greens, little cap on his head, ready to don a gun and get home quick. His mother sniffed, dabbing her sore eyes as she looked up to her husband, who only nodded. "I'll see you soon mama, I'll write every week." He whispered, leaning over to kiss her cheek. His father rushed him along, he waved goodbye to his weeping mother.

"Be good out there Audie, show those scum what we're made of." Audie tried not to cringe at his fathers words as he stuck his head out of the train window, "You got it father, I'll see you on the other side." His father had a proud look on his face as he gave his sons arm a squeeze. With the, the train screeched into action, letting out a puff of black smoke. Audie waved to his father before leaning back into the cabin, ready to make some friends.

-

The walk to the squadron was long. Audie gripped his issued rifle and tin of food as they rattled together. He already made two friends; Gil and Axel. He quickly impressed them with his singing, Axel was a percussionist and Gil, well, he was just a fan. They bonded quickly and stuck together as they walked towards the platoon.

Once they arrived, the men were told to shuffle in silence into the cold, dim room. When Audie turned behind him to talk to Gil, one of the officers shouted at him. Audie went red, looking down to the floor as he entered the room. He stood in his place quietly, trying to come back from being shouted at. He thought by all the time he had been in the army he would of got used to it, and he was, slowly.

The voice that began talking got Audie's ear. He looked up sharply. He knew he recognized it as soon as he looked at his commanding officer. Christof.

His heart jumped for joy then sunk back into his chest. He couldn't tell if this was a blessing or a curse. But seeing his handsome, rugged face again was a blessing. Audie looked up at him like it was the first time they met in the bar. He fluttered his eyelashes, trying not to get his hopes up. But Christof looked even better in his uniform. Audie's little gay heart couldn't take it. He puffed his chest, trying to get his attention. "Please..." He let the word pass through his lips like a breath. Christof had to recognize him. Right?​
 
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CHRISTOF



It had been a frustrating day for Christof. First him and his wife had gotten into another huge fight about having children and other marital issues; then his father came to their house to discuss the war and why it was a good thing he was fighting for Hitler and now his car had broken down. "Damn crappy piece of junk." Him and his wife were trying to save up money, just in case one day they both came to the agreement of having kids; which meant he couldn't afford to get his car fixed. Luckily one of the other Officers in his Squadron, lived only a few blocks from his home so he would get a ride from him. They would've usually taken The Train, but he thought it would be safer for them to ride in a car. It wouldn't be smart for a two high ranking army members to be out in the open like that. Even in Germany. There was too much tension in the air to use public transportation for someone that was fighting for Hitler.

"Honey, we're about to leave." He smiled at her and gave her a small kiss. Even though he tried to grow to love and feel attraction for his devoted wife, Christof never felt the same way about her as he did when it came to other men. He wished he could change into the person everyone else wanted him to be, but it was just not a choice for him. No matter how much he tried to choose to be straight and not gay, it never worked. That was the real reason why him and his wife couldn't come to an agreement when it came to kids. He just used the excuse of not wanting to be a father in the army and risk never seeing his kids again when the topic of planning a bigger family came up. It worked in the beginning, but Christof knew that eventually things would come to light and he didn't want her to find out about his... unfaithful actions from someone else. There would never be a right time to tell her the truth; so leaving for the army was the best option. Or what he at least thought would be the best option.

As he placed the last pieces of his uniform on his body, his cap being the final thing, he gave his wife one more kiss. "I'll be back soon enough." He smiled at her. The guilt he was feeling was hidden behind those beautiful eyes of his. He felt worst the longer he kept his wife in the dark. Not giving her the chance to find a man that would truly love her like she deserved was something he knew wasn't right in the slightest. He didn't know what to do and he just hoped something good would happen in the army that could bring some enlightenment to him and a sign that tells him what he should and needs to do.

Once in the car with the other Officer, he waved to his wife and was off. His parents and younger brother had already said their goodbyes and were somewhere doing whatever they usually did at this time of day. "Let's go and win this war Soldier."

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Christof was no longer just Christof. He was Commanding Officer Christof König in all of the soldiers eyes. Saluting their way when they did the same to him. "Get to work soldiers! There's no time to play little games!" He marched off to his section, knowing that all of his troops were already inside waiting for him. Since he was such a no-nonsense and serious type of guy, all of the men in his squadron knew that he didn't play around when it came to being on time for prepping and training.

Hearing one of the other officers yelling already at an insubordinate soldier made the Commanding Officer scowled inwardly in his mine. "Well, I think we might have one soldier who think this is all a game." Shaking his head as he headed into the tent.

Not waisting anytime for small talk amongst one another, Christof got straight to business.

"Ok men! Get in line!" Waiting as the few stragglers finally turned around to look in his direction. "Men, this war if for our Country and for what we all believe in." He could just feel his body getting ready to vomit as he spoke false words. What he believed in was definitely not the same as Hitler's belief. "We fight for what's right and we will never let anyone take what is ours!" He yelled, getting the other soldiers riled up and ready; which was where his charming demeanor always played a big part in gaining the respect of his men.

He was about to finish his speech, when a certain brunette male caught his eye. He nearly gasped at seeing Audie after what seemed like forever since the last time they were together. The male looked even more beautiful since the first time they met at the bar. Christof couldn't believe that the ray of sunlight in his darkness was right in front of him. This was not what he was expecting. He was looking for a sign, but he was ignoring it. The sign was right in front of his face, begging for him to notice.

Clearing his throat, looking at the other officers, who were a bit confused at his long pause. "Like I was saying; men! We'll go out there and fight and we WILL win!" He brought up his arm to salute them as they did the same. "Now go out there and get to training. We have a long battle ahead of us." Waiting as the other soldiers and officers left the tent; leaving only him and Audie inside.

Christof stood at the entrance of the tent, looking out to see if anyone was close enough to hear him speak. Turning around he didn't have a smile on his face; not even the slightest of smirks. "Audie, why are you here?" He didn't care if he appeared rather cold and rigid. That part of life was suppose to stay in the past; now said past was his present. "I know how you are, and this is not the place for any of your... mannerisms and flamboyant actions." He was trying to push Audie away with the harsh words, but he just couldn't be mean to the sweet male. "No one needs to know about... us, ok?" He whispered the last words, looking at the entrance once again.

 
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Audie S. Jäger

The small crowd of men were nodding along. They must all believe in that Christof was right. Audie had no opinion, he was here because he pretty much had to be. He believed he could do it, he didn't have any strong feelings of nationalism. And he knew Christof didn't. He remembered one morning in Christof's home he had whispered how much he didn't like the candidate, Hitler. He thought he was an idiot. Audie was too busy burrowing in his arms to talk politics, he just nodded and agreed.

His eyes flicked to the man smoking a cigarette in the corner of the room. He was in a hat and a heavy trench coat. He could tell he was high ranking and not here to fight. Probably only to watch then leave. He only kept his eyes on the smoking man until he heard Christof pause. Audie looked over to Christof. Their eyes locked.

Audie's eyes were wide with surprise. The two stared at each other. Christof looked more rugged and rough, like he had seem some shit. His eyes looked different, Audie hoped he was happy to see him, but something deep down inside told him he was wrong. He wondered why he left in the first place. Audie wanted answers, but he wanted Christof more than that.

When Christof waved everybody away, Audie tried to shuffle slowly as he can. His new friends gave him a confused look as they made their way past him. Audie looked around the tent, watching the officers exit through the opposite doorway. When he looked back, there was Christof.

His face was stone, like he was looking at Audie like they had never loved. He spat his words, Audie's bottom lip quivered. He was mainly shocked at the cold reaction he had got. He frowned when Christof suggested he was flamboyant. It was true, he wasn't exactly quiet about his sexuality, but he didn't flaunt it. The way Christof spat it made it sound like it was a bad thing. "I-" He started before having to swallow the lump in his throat, "I'm here because I have to be." Audie looked about as he whispered harshly, trying to match Christof's cold tone. "Aren't we all?" He swallowed again, his throat hurting. "Nobody will know." He agreed reluctantly.

He could hear the soldiers walking away to their bunkers, knowing Audie's luck, he'd be left with the worst bed. But he needed this time, "Look, why are you like this? I haven't seen you in, years." He hushed, voice a little more hurt. This was the worst time for Audie to bring it up, but he couldn't help it. Last time Christof saw Audie, he was a teen. He was young and soft. Now he was a little man, growing stubble and gaining scars. Audie wasn't afraid to question him. "You just left me."

 

CHRISTOF
"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"




Hearing the hurt in the Audie's voice, Christof immediately regretted his harsh words and the way he was treating the other. Also, Audie's voice sent flutters aflame in his heart and he had to resist smiling or showing any affection; he didn't want anyone to know they had a history together. The memories of all the fun times they had together and all the times he listened to Audie sing; everything was playing in the back of his mind. No matter how much he wished he forget everything about the male in front of him, he just couldn't. Even his amazing laugh was coming back to Christof. Why did he feel this way about another male? It was just soo wrong.

He could see the pain and sadness in Audie's eyes, which made him feel more like a bastard than all the times he had ever lied to his wife. Hurting his wife made him feel guilty and wrong, but hurting Audie, it made Christof feel like The Devil. Not even hurting his father made him feel as bad. How could he keep the most important people in his life happy, without at least two of the three feeling betrayed because of his lies? There was just too much going on in his life and he knew that something would have to give before he exploded from the insanity.

Moving a few inches closer to Audie and talking in a lower tone and a less cold one. "I know I left you... and I am truly sorry about that." Putting his left hand in the pocket of his pants; not wanting to let Audie see his Wedding Ring. "There was just soo much going on that I couldn't tell you about. I just feel soo bad for what I did." In that moment, he just wanted to hold the other and tell him everything would be ok. He couldn't do that and he wouldn't. Moving back as he thought he heard someone past by the tent. Placing his arms behind his back and standing up straight.

Once the figure was out of sight, he let his arms fall to his sides. "Audie..." A name he never thought he would say again. "I wish I could do more than just apologize for leaving you like that, but..." Shaking his head, as he felt tears starting to produce on the inside of his eyelids. "You, solider. You need to go to your bunker and find a bed." Closing his eyes and sighing. "We can talk some more later." He looked at Audie one more time, before saluting him and leaving the Tent. Heading to his own personal Quarters, getting ready for Training later that day.


 
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Audie S. Jäger

Of course Christof didn't want to talk. Audie was being ignorant to the fact that they both had work to do, though. His throat was sore as he swallowed the lump that was wedged in it. He felt like he could cry, but he wasn't going to. He wasn't as fragile as he was when they were together. Audie was growing up.

The apology though was poking at his feelings. He made a face, blinking away the tears that he knew were gonna form if he didn't leave the room. Audie straightened up when Christof did, something that had become second nature since he became a soldier. His eyes looked in the direction of the figure that spooked Christof, trying to figure out who it was. He hoped nobody saw. He slowly relaxed when Christof did though. "Fine." He croaked, swallowing dryly. He wanted to lean up and kiss the taller man, but he was too angry and betrayed to feel that. "But we will talk, Christof." He sniffed. Audie stood up straight and saluted, "Officer." He said sharply before rushing past the blond.

-

Back in the bunker, Audie had found a bed next to the two guys he had met on the train. From what he could tell, the two didn't get along with anybody else. Gil was a skinny, short boy with a quiet voice. Axel was a 6ft blond boy who looked like he could fit in with the rest of the soldiers. Audie wasn't sure why he didn't, but he could speculate that something did separate.

"Is something wrong, Audie?" Gil asked as he slid his suitcase underneath his bed. Audie was lying on the top bunk silently, trying to relax. He felt frustrated, he didn't want that to distract him from this life now. "Nah, I'm just tired. Ready to start the training, y'know?" Audie sighed. It was so out of character for Audie to be silent. Usually he would have been around the room, greeting himself to all the more attractive boys in the platoon. Maybe he'd be up to that in the evening. If he could get Christof off his mind.​
 

CHRISTOF
"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"




The training for the first day went better than he had expected. Though Audie was on Commanding Officer Christof's mind the entire time. It was impossible for him to forget about the adorable guy, having to watch him move around the training area and even call out to him when he did something good or when he did something bad. He had already made Audie feel worse about being there, Christof didn't want to have to be the one to call him out and insult him when he did and something wrong. After training, all the men were able to go to a nice bar that was solely for the men in the army. It was only a few miles from the base, so they didn't have to go too far away. Maybe there he could forget about everything and have some fun, before more shit started to happen. Which was inevitable for him and the war that was happening.

He found himself at the bar's counter, drinking a nice cold beer. He wasn't trying to drink too much, since they were being sent out to the battlefield in a few days and he still had to get his boys into tiptop shape. There were a few newly transferred men who had not an ounce of war experience, other than playing "war" in their backyards with friends when they were younger. The Germans needed to be prepared for anything the other countries going against them had up their sleeves. He wish that his father wasn't part of the Nazi Party, then maybe Christof could've left the war and never looked back. Unfortunately in the world he lived in, it wasn't that easy to leave things behind. Case in point, Audie coming back into his life. Which was something he never expected. Ordering another drink, his second one that evening.

He turned his head to the stage in the middle of the bar. The place usually had some poor sap go on stage and try to sing. That's when they got the most paying customers, because everyone would buy beers to drink the painful singing out of their heads. Christof didn't expect anyone good to get on. Hoping that a certain someone that could actually sing would NOT get on there right now. Today was just too much for him to handle and hearing that beautiful voice in his state, Christof wouldn't know what to do. He would leave before that scenario could happen but it would look odd and possibly questioning for him to walk away while most, if not all of the men in his squadron were in the bar with him. He was stuck. Not knowing what was next for him...


 
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Audie S. Jäger

Two more days before they had to head to war. Audie was excited, but mainly to get it over and done with. Training was boring and he wanted to rest. Although Christof was on his mind, it was easier for him to think about other things. Especially on the way to the bar that they had organized. It was a one off sort of trip, just whilst they had the chance to enjoy something other than war. Audie walked next to his two friends, they talked about girls and music. Audie hadn't let it slip that he was gay yet, but he had a feeling everyone guessed. It wasn't a secret, yet he still joined in on the conversation. He smiled and commented on women they had seen in the town, Audie just commented on their outfits. He could tell Gil and Axel knew, so they moved on.

"Do you think they'll have a piano? I don't think I'll get chance to touch one for a while." Axel asked as they moved through the small German town. It was quiet, only the sound of the soldiers boots on the cobble echoed through the town. The lights were dim, Audie could only make out the silhouettes of the Gestapo smoking in the shadows. "Hopefully." Audie replied, half distracted by the suspicious men in the dark. They all looked like his father - smokey and skeptical, like they know every secret you have and are just waiting for you to slip up. Audie was once a kid in a swing bar, kissing boys and singing. Just the type the gestapo wanted to lock away. Audie was almost glad he was in a uniform.

In the pub, all the soldiers shuffled to the bar, impatiently ordering their drinks. Gil got a table, insisting he wasn't a drinker. Audie was eyeing up the band. He slid towards the brass player, "Where is your singer?" Audie asked, hands in his uniform pockets. The brass play just nodded towards the bar. She was standing in a red pencil skirt and a white blouse, being furiously chatted up by the soldiers. He forgot some of the men hadn't seen a woman in months. Audie looked back at the tall, dark man, "Could I get a song? Just one classic." Audie grinned. The brass player agreed to his song of choice. Apparently the poor girl was paid to look pretty rather than to sing well.

Audie cleared his throat and waited for the piano. He began singing, his powerful, flamboyant filling the already loud room. He could see people turning their head in surprise. Audie got that rush of confidence, he gripped the mic stand and started to really perform, showing off everything he had to show off.

 
CHRISTOF
"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"

Christof was enjoying his drinking, watching the crowd around him. It was a fun time for him. For the moment. This would be one of the last time he would be able to have some personal fun before they were all in the heat of battle. Shipping out in two days. TWO FREAKING DAYS! He had been at war before, but Commanding Officer Christof knew that there were a few people in his squadron that were probably still going to need some more help. The more flamboyant and immature ones. He didn't want to be a total asshole to Audie, but he wouldn't be able to take it lightly on him either. The training went well that day but it could have been way better. Nothing he could do about it now. Deciding to just listen to Audie sing on stage.

Wait!

Nearly choking on his drink. "Is that..." Hearing that magical voice start to sing; the voice of a very familiar male that almost made him smile even when he wasn't having a good time. He didn't want to turn around to face what he already knew, but his mind just forced him to look. That one look made his entire body, mind and soul feel warm all over. "..." Feeling like that first day he met Audie in a similar pub, in a similar scenario. He couldn't fight the urge to move closer to the stage. Christof got into the middle of the floor and started dancing to the music. Not making eye contact. Making sure that none of his men would become suspicious of his actions.

"Hey, pretty lady." Pointing to the only woman in the bar. The one that was originally suppose to be singing with the band. "Come and dance with your Commanding Officer... I command you to." He smirked. His charm was stronger than any of the other men in the pub. They all knew that the girl would go over to him and dance with him. Christof was an irresistible man and he was also a bit tipsy now. His charm outweighed the guard he always had up. The lady said her goodbyes to the men near the bar area and sashayed over to Christof. In the middle of the dance floor.

He didn't intend to hurt Audie. Not in the right frame of mind to realize that seeing him dance with someone that wasn't him; especially a girl, would make the younger male even more sad about their situation than he was already. The two of them started dancing to the music, Christof having fun and trying to keep from looking up at Audie. This would be the only way he could keep himself from hoping on stage and giving him a huge kiss in that state of mind. He was capable of doing that. His emotions were still all over the place and he needed something or someone to distract him. Who better than a pretty lady.


 
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Audie S. Jäger


It felt so good to sing, but also to be the center of attention again. Audie knew he was just soldier number 3045, but in the bar right now, he was the singer in the limelight again. He looked over to his newly made friends, who were the main guys clapping, even Axel got onto the floor to do a goofy dance. A lot of the other soldiers were watching too; some with a smile and some with a frown. Audie showed off, not having noticed that Christof was now on the floor.

His eyes were closed as he burst out a high note, his ego flourishing in the applause. He was having fun, and by what he could hear, everyone else was. Audie opened his eyes to look at his admirers, only to see Christof, and a girl. Audie saw how happy she looked, her hair tied up neatly in victory rolls as she flounced around. She seemed happier to be on the dance floor than on the stage. Of course, because she was dancing with Germany's most attractive soldier. Audie had an obvious lump in his throat that he swallowed in the jazz instrumental. He danced on the stage, bucking his hips. He had to ignore the pair having fun to continue with the song. His voice was obviously more hurt, but he forced out the long and ambitious notes. Everyone watched with shock as the little man forced out notes bigger than his lungs should be able to cope with.

The jazz band finished and the audience clapped. Most of the noise came from his two friends. The band applauded him, "Wow, you're a real talent my friend." The brass player put his hand on Audie's shoulder. He forced a smile, "Another?" they offered him. Audie looked at the girl who was holding onto Christof's shoulder. He sniffed, "Sure, how about another favourite?" He offered, obviously a bit pissed off.

The band agreed, and began the swing. Audie gripped the mic, looking at Christof as he sung the lyrics. He spat the words out like they were personally written to Christof, "♪You told me you loved me, why'd you leave me all alone!♪" Audie belted out, his voice hitting the highest notes. He tried to look like he was just performing, but he looked hurt. Christof couldn't just ignore him. And if he was trying to make him jealous, it was working and it was cruel of him.

 
CHRISTOF
"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"
Christof was enjoying his time with the beautiful woman, who he found was named Emilia. During their almost too intimate dancing, they had exchanged words and learned a little about one another. He decided to leave out the being married part of his life. Hiding his ring in his pocket. Only the other Officers knew about his marriage, since he hid his wedding ring very well. They were the ones who were actually going around cheating on their wives and girlfriends when out in the different parts of the world. The only person he really had to keep his ring out of sight of was Audie. Who in his drunken state, Christof didn't think his dancing with such a beautiful lady would cause more sadness to, than anything else he had done that day.

Only when another song started playing and he heard the harsher and deeper tone of voice that came out of Audie's small body did he turn his head around and stared up at the obviously very hurt male. Letting Emilia dance around him, trying to keep up with her but also starting to realize just exactly what his actions were doing to the poor guy. "Emilia, it was a pleasure dancing with you, but I think I need to take a seat for a bit." He smiled at her and headed back to the bar. Never breaking eye contact with Audie. Feeling like if he did, his body would incinerate on the spot. He had never seen the smaller male this angry before, yet at the same time still singing like an angel. A pissed off angel, but still an angel nonetheless.

Not being able to take the guilt that was forming inside of his stomach and threatened to shoot out of his throat, Christof took off to the exit of the bar. Brushing past a few of his men. "I need... I need some air." Reassuring them that he was ok; when he truly wasn't. Looking back at Audie one more time before a tear slid down his face and he headed out of the establishment. Smacking his back into the cold wall of the bar, sliding down almost to the floor. Bending down on his knees. Inhaling and exhaling at a rapid speed. Trying to gain control. Failing miserably. The tears started falling from his face, uncontrollably.

Wiping at his face, roughly. "Stop crying like some little fag..." Disgusted with himself; just like his father use to be when he started crying for different reasons. Looking up in the darkening sky. Standing back up and resting his head back against the wall. "What am I suppose to do?" Asking no one, speaking to the air. "I... I just..." Wiping away the tears that kept coming. "Stop!" Yelling at himself as he started walking away from the bar. "I can't be like this... it's wrong."
 
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Audie S. Jäger

The fact Audie was very hurt helped the song, people were enjoying it. He fought back the tears, leaving a lump in his throat, making the words sound all the more hurt. He watched the girl putting her hands all over Christof, giggling like she was his girlfriend. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the mic so hard. This was unbearable. He runs away for years, leaving Audie's heart confused and hurt. Then when they find each other again, Christof taunts him? Audie was so frustrated. He glared down at Christof as they caught each other's eye. He couldn't look for too long, but Audie's watery eyes couldn't keep away from Christof's. He watched as the man slowly made his way towards the door.

Audie forced out more high notes than he should have. Even the band were shocked to see his body and voice were still in fact. It was lucky the song was finishing up. Holding the highest note of the night, the bar cheered. Usually he was happy to get just the one or two well dones from the band, but he was happy his song wasn't gone unnoticed. He slipped from the stage, not being able to cope with another song. Sliding through the crowd, trying to avoid eye contact as the tears were fully formed. He couldn't cry in front of his friends at home, let alone in front of 30 macho soldiers. He slid out of the door as quickly as he could.

Turning the corner, Audie could see a figure moving away from the bar. He was still swallowing the lump in his throat, keeping the tears in his eyes, so much so that they blurred his vision. He sped walked to the figure, who he could he as Christof. He wanted to punch him, scream at him, but he also wanted to be hugged and cuddled by him. He couldn't deal with the frustrating emotions.

"What's wrong with you?" Audie choked out, running around the taller man to stand in front of him, stopping him from walking any further, "You've hurt me enough already, isn't it time to stop it?" Seeing the red eyes of his ex, Audie could tell he had been crying. It was enough to send his tears down his cheeks. Audie couldn't help it, he allowed his emotions to control him. He began to sob a bit, tilting his head down so the tears would fall onto the floor. He was also a little ashamed that he couldn't stop himself from weeping.​
 
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CHRISTOF
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"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"
Christof was in his own world, as he was walking away from the bar. He wished he could just walk away from everything and never look back. He was hurting soo many people in his life, just because he didn't have the courage to tell everyone who he really was and who he actually loved. He didn't know what to do with himself. He really just wanted to punch himself in the face for his actions in the bar. He knew that Audie would see him dancing with that girl. What was her name again? It didn't matter. He was a total jackass and he knew it.

He didn't hear as Audie spoke to him, but stopped in his tracks when the smaller male stood in front of him. As he listened to what Audie was saying, the tears started falling from his face onto the ground again. Not only was he crying, but now Audie was too. He just stared at the real love of his life. Christof didn't know what to do, but in that moment. He didn't care who saw. "I'm sorry..." Pulling Audie into a tight hug. Never wanting to let him go again. "I'm sorry for what I did to you and what I keep doing to you. Audie, you don't deserve to be treated like this." Speaking to the man, as he held onto him. He started feeling water coming from the sky. It was starting to rain, which meant the two of them had only a few minutes before everyone left the bar and went to their bunkers to sleep; until the weather broke in the morning.

"You are such a sweet and loving human being. I don't know why you want someone like me." Shaking his head, as the rain mixed with his tears. "I wish I knew what to say, but I don't know. I love you... but I also can't love you. I just don't know what to do." If Christof could, he would have pulled Audie in even closer. "I want to be with you... but my life. It's not how it use to be." His Wedding Ring seemed to be burning a hole in his pants, as he spoke. "I do love you and I will always love you. I just don't know how to be with you."
 
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Audie S. Jäger

Waiting for a response, Audie kept his head down, sniffing like a baby. He had only cried a little in front of Christof, at sad theater or after hurting himself. Never had he sobbed like this. He hadn't ever seen Christof cry either.

At first Audie was limp to the hug. It was a surprise and he was still so angry. He hated being so emotional, he wished he could bury his feelings like so many other gay men did. But no, he had to deal with his internal conflict so often. When Christof started talking, he could hear the obvious hurt in his voice, and he couldn't deal with it. When Christof said he loved him, Audie began sobbing hard again. He threw his arms around Christof, squeezing his torso tight as he pressed his face against Christof's chest. Just to feel his strong arms holding onto him, breathing in the masculine scent. Audie could feel his heart pound away at his chest. At this point he wasn't even feeling the anger, just sadness. It was a bittersweet moment.

"I love you.." Audie whispered, his voice was sore from the singing and the crying. He barely even noticed the rain as it fell. He just listened to what Christof was saying. It was hard to process, he was happy to feel what he had craved for so long, yet hearing Christof say they couldn't be together hurt. When he said that, Audie pulled away to look up to Christof. He wanted to jump up and press his lips against Christof's, but he couldn't. "We can be together-" He started frantically, "We were and we still can be. I love you, I can hide it from everyone I promise." He breathed, "Please, I love you." His lip quivered as he hoped for a better response. The rain was flattening his hair, he hoped that nobody could see.​
 
CHRISTOF
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"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"
Christof couldn't help the genuine smile that grew onto his face, as Audie spoke to him. They could keep it a secret. Another secret he would have to keep from everyone. Would he ever be done with keeping secrets and just let everyone know the real things going on with him? Christof did love Audie; more than anyone else in his entire life. Even his wife. But his fear of coming out was too strong at the moment. Hair now stuck to the sides of his face. Rain pouring down harder and faster.
Biting down on his bottom lip. "Yes..." Closing his eyes for a few seconds. "I love you enough and I want this to be a real thing." Not believing what was coming out of his own mouth. This was just another secret added to his horrible collection. In his mind, this would be the only way he could have Audie without coming out and revealing that he was married. One day he would get a divorce, but when would that be? He didn't know. Hopefully it would happen before the true love of his life found out about everything. Feeling his wedding ring in his pocket. The little gold thing felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. All of the guilt he was feeling was starting to suffocate him.

Staring down at Audie; without thinking, Christof pulled the shorter male in for a kiss. Something he had been wanting to do ever since setting eyes on the kind male after soo long. Lips feeling on fire. All of his guilt washed away in those few seconds. Holding the other closer to his body. As the rain drenched them, not caring about anything else, but kissing Audie for as long as possible.
 

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Audie S. Jäger

The rain was soaking through his uniform, making the green almost black. His hair stuck to his forehead as it got harder. Audie put his face back on Christof's chest, feeling miserable. There was a silence before Christof said yes. Audie felt a rush through his body. He leaned out to look up to Christof, shock and confusion on his face. When Christof clarified that he really did want to be with Audie, he let out a sob of happiness, "I promise, I won't tell anyone. I promise, I'll be the best -" Audie was cut off when Christof leaned down to kiss him.

Audie couldn't press his face against Christof's enough. He had craved the sensation for years and he finally had it back. God, he really did love this man and nothing was gonna get in his face. His hands gripped Christof's shirt tightly as he kissed him back as much as he could. He couldn't believe he finally had this back. The rain was dripping down the back of his neck, soaking through his clothes, but he didn't care. Audie pressed himself against Christof, not wanting to let go.

It wasn't until Audie caught the sound of the bar door opening and the laughter of the soldiers. He reluctantly pulled away, his arms dropping to his sides. "Go, they'll assume something is happening if they see us." Audie sniffed, wiping his eyes before walking towards the crowd.

"What the hell happened to you songbird?" One of the larger soldiers asked, "Songbird?" Audie frowned, some of the soldiers chuckled, "Yeah, that's you. Up there tweeting away, you look like you've taken a swim." The soldier looked at him with confusion. Audie mouthed an 'oh' before shrugging, "I came out to smoke at the wrong time." He lied, before noticing his friends had appeared. Audie moved over to them, the group hurrying back to the barracks. It wasn't long until they were training, then into war. Audie had to focus back on what he really was there for.​
 
CHRISTOF
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"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"
Multiple knots of emotions coiled inside of his stomach. The kiss had turned his insides into a ball of hot and emotional chaos. A feeling he didn't want to ever go without again; at the same time, the feeling made everything more complicated than before. Kissing Audie had made them an official pair. Sadly, Christof has still not told the optimistic male about his marriage and everything else he was still hiding from everyone in his life.

Eyes fluttering open once the kiss was broken. Turning his head to see soldiers walking out of the bar. The blonde male didn't have the chance to say goodbye, before Audie walked past him. Feeling his uniform become soaked to high heavens, The Commanding Officer headed back to his quarters. Needing a new set of clothing. He couldn't possibly go to bed in wet attire. Especially since the next day was one of the final training days before they were set off to war. The Commanding Officer couldn't risk getting sick this close to the war.

Head bent forward, as he undressed once inside of his private room. Hearing a light clank sound as something fell from his pocket and onto the ground. "What?" Looking down; seeing the golden wedding band resting on the hard surface. Eyes watering again. "I'm soo sorry." Picking up said ring and putting it back on. Flopping down onto his bed, not having the energy to pull the covers up and over his head. Closing his eyes. One lone tear escaped and dissolved into the side of his pillow. Tomorrow would be an unforgettable day; he just knew it.

Next Day

Waking up bright and early. Dressed in a fresh and dry uniform. Today, Christof would succeed in keeping his emotions under control. Looking in Audie's direction would be just like looking in any of the other soldiers' directions. Loud alarms going off to wake up the still sleeping men. While his soldiers got up and ready for more training routines, Christof headed towards the field.

Standing in the training field; watching all of his men show up. "Men!" Saluting them. "We have only today and tomorrow left for training." Waiting for the applauds and chatter to die down. "Which means; I need you all to get your sorry asses in shape!" Stomping onto the ground. "Get to training and don't make me regret ever letting you in my platoon! Go!"
 
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Audie S. Jäger

The night went slowly. Audie tried sleeping but his head was on full charge. He replayed the scene, him kissing Christof, them getting back together. It was a dream come true. He thought back to those wonderful times they had together. Making out in the back of his dressing room, falling asleep on his chest in Christof's bed. Every event they had together, Audie replayed it. It made him even more excited for spending time with Christof though. He was too optimistic to think about the consequences.

One of those consequences was the morning. The sound of trumpets woke Audie up, his eyes barely opening. He didn't want to. But he knew that he had to wake up and get something to eat before they trained. The men weren't slow in getting dressed and out of the barracks. Although Audie was the last in line. The bigger men had pushed past him, Audie just allowed it. It probably didn't help his cause. He stood at the back with his two friends. Once marched to the fields, one of the corporals spelt out the mission. They had target practice today and then combat training. Audie didn't mind the rifle shooting, he wasn't looking forward to running around in the mud. Yet, he knew it was for the best.

The one thing that pulled him out of his strop was seeing Christof's face. He tried not to smile, but his heart was pounding. Saluting back, Audie let out a sigh, watching how different he looked when shouting. He was so angry looking out here, Christof was much softer back home. But Audie liked him in any form. Once Christof dismissed them, the corporal had the body boards lined up quite far from the collection of about 20 men. The soldiers jogged to a spot in front of an individual target. Audie had to walk to the furthest one.

Lying on his front, Audie managed to land all his bullets onto the target board, most hitting the centre. He tried not to get distracted, but every time a boot hit the floor near his face, Audie hoped it was Christof to come and give him praise. The fire was ceased as the corporal went to inspect the boards. Anyone missing too many shots was ushered up. Audie knew there were one or two men who weren't good enough to be in the squadron. Audie heard they were just sent straight to work at a camp or something. He really didn't want that. Their job was to go to the cities and fight off the English, at least there he felt like he was doing his job.

Hoping that Christof would appear again, Audie looked up and around as his board was checked.​
 
CHRISTOF
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"HOW CAN I EVER LOVE SOMEONE, IF I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF?"
THREE WEEKS INTO THE WAR: CITY RAID

It had been three weeks since Christof and his Squadron had went to war with the other German Army Men. Him and his other Officers had picked out the best of the best and one of those best was Audie. People can say whatever they want to; Audie might be overly flamboyant, but he is a damn good soldier when it comes down to it. The optimistic male also brought rays of light and hope into the hearts of all the other men. He was glad to know that his secret boyfriend would be near him, though not able to speak to one another like he wanted to for some period of time. Three weeks felt like a century for Christof. They had been moving around a lot and taking down the English; he didn't have even a second to speak with Audie and be boyfriend and boyfriend. Even in secret.

He was craving to see the other and hold him. Just a hug would help his aching heart at this point. The guilt and pain from lying to the people he loved was still there, it was just a little less painful now that Audie wanted to still be with him. Body full of butterflies and needles. A mix of love for everyone else and hate for himself. All of his secrets would have to come out eventually. There was no way the Commanding Officer could get away with such a huge lie for too much longer. It was bound to erupt one day. Especially since he was still married and not out of the fucking closet. When would he come out of the closet? No one had an answer to.

His men and the other German Army men had been in a war-torn city, sleeping in tents at this point of the battle. They were getting ready for a city raid and this would be one of the bigger targets so far. Audie was actually in the tent right next to his. So at least he would be able to see the other, and possibly speak to him as well. Motioning for all of his men to head out of their tents. As he was about to get ready to direct them to where they would go and hold positions.
 
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Audie S. Jäger

Three weeks was enough to put a ball and chain onto Audie's attitude. The first week was okay, the men seemed to find it amusing as Audie quietly sung a song for them over the fire, until one of the officers came to stomp out the fire and send them to bed. The second week, two of their men had been shot and killed, it was the first time Audie had witnessed a death. He felt upset, and all he wanted to do was to crawl into Christof''s arms and try to forget the image of his bunk mate being shot.

He had also been promoted, it was a small marksman rank, but it was something. Lot's of his fellow soldier's seemed bitter about this, he heard one of the biggest men complaining about how a fag could get promoted before him. It made Audie feel bad for being so flamboyant in front of them. Still, they all seemed to enjoy his company when he sang or danced. Audie just tried to keep positive, he told himself it would all be over soon and he could go home with Christof and move in with him and they could spend all their time together. He thought about it as he pressed his head against the pillow. Their small tents had been pitched up in an abandoned city, it wouldn't be long until they made their advance on the English. As he rolled around, trying to sleep, he thought about sneaking over to Christof. Their tents were right next to each other.

The idea was too tempting to miss. Audie hesitantly got up, trying his best not to wake the man sleeping next to him. Sliding out of the tent, Audie realized how silent it was. He looked around the pitch black city as he crept along the rubble. They kept their boots on at all times, just in case of an ambush, so Audie left pretty prepared to slide into Christof's tent undetected. He almost tripped over a rock, "Stupid thing." Audie hissed in frustration as he kicked the piece of rubble over the side. Even though they thought they cleared all the mines and bombs, the piece of rubble landed on something that made a loud click. Audie barely had time to register it as the bomb went off, blowing Audie backwards. He landed on the ground with a loud yelp, the Officers were already shouting to get the guns. He gripped his stomach, something must have hit him pretty hard, he just felt lucky that nothing worse happened.​
 
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