I'm in a repeating cycle.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Sweet Moose, Nov 28, 2015.

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  1. Hey!

    I believe that this part of the forum is used for rants and advice on multiple things? Maybe this isn't the right group of people to be asking about this, but I don't really have someone to talk to with this, and I'd really appreciate the help.

    I'm in a constant cycle of not doing anything. I'll say that I'll do something, or get things done, and I'll always succumb to gaming and food. I used to be a hard worker during my time in highschool, but now I find myself slacking on things I used to be proud of. I've gained a lot of weight, I don't fulfill the promises I make to myself ("I'm gonna get XXX done today!" , "Tomorrow will be the day I start!"), and really, I've lost all self-discipline I had. I don't feel like anything's worth it anymore, and the dreams that I once had so much confidence in, I'm starting to lose motivation and pride in my work.

    I need to start off by stating my problems: I struggle socially, and I'm very anxious about things I shouldn't be. I attended a charter school with kids that also struggled in this same way. I am always making assumptions about what my family and friends think of me all the time. I believe this is because I have a history of rejection where I'm left in the dark about things. I have dreams in story-writing and art; I want to tell a story that I believe is very good, in whatever form of visual media I can pursue (Animation, Video Games, Movies). I am starting college next semester, full-time, which I think will be very good for improving on my drawing and writing. Personality wise, I believe myself to a very honest, very good person. I always try to do the right thing, and when I slip up or fail to do so, I become very critical about myself. Small things, like forgetting to do something for someone, failing a test, having someone speak to me with a slight attitude, will send me in a paralysis of self-depreciation. My biggest problem is that I look too much into the small things, and I always end up somehow blowing it up into something bigger. In my mind. I don't like, meltdown in front of people often. The biggest problem that comes out of this, is that I usually end up putting myself down, all the time, and I think it's really destroyed a lot of my confidence.

    I think one of the things that have hurt me the most is roleplaying itself. I love roleplaying! I love writing with other people! I've been writing on roleplaying websites for six years, and while it's been a great way to explore my interests in story-telling, it has also conditioned me in a strange way. I do a lot of 1x1 roleplaying (I'm not a big fan of group roleplaying anymore), and because of that, there's this gigantic atmosphere of rejection that comes from it. I make the joke with people when describing it: "It's either your partner isn't that good, or you're not good enough for your partner."

    I think 90% percent of the roleplaying community, not specifically here, have a terrible habit of just ignoring someone when they don't want to roleplay anymore. There are so many cases where I'll start a 1x1 with someone, get a few posts in, and then they'll stop replying. I'll ask them if we're still continuing it, and they'll never answer. I think three years of this happening consistently has hurt me a lot. I've always tried my hardest with the posts, reading through them aloud, taking a lot of time to plan out a response, and I'm still rejected because they didn't like it. Now, I can only look at my work in a negative way. Even worse, whenever someone does compliment me on my work (writing and drawing), I can only see it as patronizing. I can't say that I try very hard to improve my skills, but I am very self aware as to what I need to work on, and I do try to get better.

    I'm also rejected a lot in real life. Both with friends and people I've had crushes on. I feel like people give me the silent treatment all the time. Most of the time I don't know what I do wrong; like I've stated before, I'm always being too self aware. I always review my responses, how to say it, when to say it, and for most of the time I think what I'm saying is perfectly fine. However, I don't know what I say or do wrong, but people will get quickly turned off by me, and when I sense this, I dwell on it, trying to find out what I did wrong and feel terrible for a long time.

    Why I say all of this, is because I think it contributes to this cycle I'm in. My friends don't show any interest in my ideas, and as of late, I don't think they care for me very much. We've been a strong group of five for years now, but now as time has past, and we've all branched out to meet new people, the closest friends I have don't care for me as much as they did before. Because we just graduated, the only way we really talk is through games like League of Legends. When we would play, the call would be nothing but jokes like "memes" and not really funny things. When things did seem like a normal conversation, during small arguements I always felt like my closer friends were siding with different people against me. I felt lower than them. This went over the course of two years, starting during my senior year, and I don't think it was healthy for the relationships between me and my friends. Recently, because I felt especially bad about a call, I uninstalled the games we used to play, and I stopped talking with my friends. I didn't expect any of them to approach me about this to see if I was alright, and a month later none of them have.

    I think I'm in this cycle of not doing anything because I don't feel like my friends care about me very much, both with my dreams and as a person. And when I don't get any feedback from any of my friends about my work for years, I feel especially alone.

    I already know what I sound like, I really don't want to come off that way. I don't want this to seem like one gigantic whine. One of my problems could be that I expect too much from my friends. I'm very sensitive towards situations like this, and maybe I am just being a big baby. Anyone could easily tell me to "just shut up and work", and that could just be the solution to my problems.

    I'm thinking about leaving the roleplaying world so I could get some confidence back in my work. I'm thinking of going cold turkey with gaming so that I can get stuff done (which is the most reasonable out of them all). And I'm especially thinking about distancing myself, or even ending relationships with my friends so that I could get some confidence in myself again.

    I'm so confused right now with what I should be doing to make myself happier. Is it a problem with people I'm around, or am I blaming a lazy behavior on my friends?
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  2. The first thing I want to suggest is: don't be afraid to seek professional help if you even have the slightest suspicion that this might be something beyond your control. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 16 and, in the years leading up to that, there were sooo many issues in my life just building up as a result of my symptoms -- which I'd always just considered to be personal failures up until that point. And I was also definitely going through the whole schtick of narrowing in on small things and blaming myself for so many things, doubting how good of a friend I was, and all the while thinking I was just being whiney about the whole thing.

    I can't guarantee that you're in the same sort of boat as me, but, whenever I read a post that reminds me of that time in my life, I feel like I have to mention that getting myself checked out turned out to be one of the best possible things I could've done for myself -- and, after that, my self-esteem skyrocketed and so many inter-related problems in my life all seemed to work themselves out as a result. If you have the slightest doubts about your mental health, don't be afraid to see someone about it.

    I'll probably come back to this thread later to give some more specific advice about the particulars of your situation (don't have a ton of time right now to give your post a real close look and think through it), but, for now, I just want to throw that out there. Probably not the kind of advice you were looking for, but, I don't want to not give that advice to someone who might possibly really need it.
  3. Thank you! I had thought about seeking professional help in the past, but I wasn't sure if it would help very much. I have a hard time expressing my thoughts most of the time. I'm afraid that if I do talk to someone, I won't be able to state my problems correctly, and we'll work on something completely different than what is actually bothering me. I've been seeing a sort of psychologist every Tuesday; it's a short class in a type of school I go to currently. It's been very nice to talk with someone about all of this, and she is a good first person to talk. However, there is more than likely a better person I could be talking to about this, like a specialized professional.

    If things don't start to get better for me, I'll definitely consider doing so!
  4. I think you'll know whether something is helpful or not. If you feel like something's not getting to the root of the problem, you can tell your psychiatrist that. Perhaps a bit of introspection will help you figure out what sort of issue you might be dealing with -- if anything, it would certainly serve as a more productive use for self-criticism.

    Still, I'm glad my advice so far has been helpful. And having a "sort of" psychiatrist seems like it would be a good place to start if you decide you want more specialized help, too. Most times when I suggest that someone should seek a professional and/or someone is already pretty sure they should see one, they don't often seem to know where to start in getting that ball rolling.

    Anywho, onto the particulars:

    As for the thing about 1x1 roleplays -- don't worry so much about you being the problem, because you probably aren't. The thing about roleplays is: people just lose interest. Most RP's don't live to see completion, which I feel is especially true in 1x1's, since, in a group RP, there will still be people to keep it going if one or two players drop out, but 1x1's don't really have that luxury. At any rate, it probably isn't your fault. There are lots of reasons why someone might lose interest in an RP. A lot of times, people will blame themselves more than they'll blame their partner.

    As for being silent about it? Yeeeaaaah that's a big problem around here, and it ticks me off quite a bit as well -- but not for the same reasons as you, I don't think. For me, it's generally a problem when I'm GMing group RP's, and, with people not being honest about wanting to drop out, it makes it a lot harder for me to efficiently take care of drop-out characters. Thing is, though, what I always noticed is that the reason why people don't always express their intention to drop out is usually because they're scared to do so -- either scared that their partner/GM will be angry or just plain ashamed to admit that they can't continue a good RP. It certainly isn't a wrongdoing on your part -- it's just that a lot of people don't have the guts to admit that they want to leave an RP, so they just give their partner/GM the silent treatment, assuming they'll figure it out eventually. And I can understand why people might feel a bit scared to admit that they've lost interest, but, yeah, it pretty much always does more harm than good. I wish more people understood that. >.<

    As for your issues with your friends -- maybe you just need to seek out new ones? I'm not saying your friends are dicks and that you should ditch them; I just mean, well, like you said, time has passed, and everyone's branched out -- sometimes, friends just drift apart. Sad but true. :/ But, instead of attributing that to a personal failure on your part, maybe it would be helpful to remember that sometimes a group of friends just might not be as compatible with each other as they used to be. This isn't your fault -- it's just how things are. I'm not saying you can't ever talk to your old friends again -- I'm sure it would be great for you guys to reconnect every so often whenever the timing feels right -- but, if you're not getting anything out of this friendship anymore, then, maybe it's not worth it to try to remain so close. Branch out, hang out with other people -- come back to your old friends when/if it feels right, but... yeah. Just don't blame yourself if you guys are drifting apart.

    And as for this bit;
    Do you have any idea why you keep doing this?

    I'm probably making a lot of assumptions with this part (and I'm certainly not qualified to diagnose you with anything), so, take all this with a grain of salt -- but, this in particular is what really reminds me of the years that led up to my diagnosis. There were plenty of things that I wanted to get done but I just didn't, and, for the longest time, I had attributed that to me just being lazy and unmotivated. It wasn't until things got really bad that I sort of had a little mini-epiphany and realized that the root of my problem was the fact that I just couldn't focus on these things -- even if I really really wanted to or was really stressed to get things done, I just couldn't control my wandering mind. But, because I had kept attributing it to mere laziness up until that point, I had really lost faith in my own abilities and the whole thing really took a toll on my self-esteem.

    I'm not saying for sure that your particular issue is also attention deficit in nature -- I certainly don't know enough about you to say that -- but, what I'm saying is, maybe it would help to re-evaluate what's really stopping you from doing the things that you want to do. Are you really "unmotivated"? Because just having a desire to do things and telling yourself that you'll get them done seems like some kind of motivation to me. Don't rule out the possibility that there might be something beyond your control that's stopping you from doing these things. You don't have to assume that your problems are all due to personal failures.
  5. Sorry for the late response! I've been preoccupied.

    Thank you very much for the advice. I've been thinking about it for a couple of days now, and along with showing my initial post to my family and sorta psychologist, this has really helped me to put things into perspective.

    I am diagnosed with Autism, if that helps to understand the situation a bit better. I didn't want to put that forth until I got some advice without it, as I think if I explained this previously, I would have gotten different responses. Because things are starting to clear up for me, I don't think I need to hold that back anymore. And, most likely, it plays a large part as to why I'm feeling this way about these specific things. I also think it's a mixture of both of the sources I thought this all came from; yes, I think my friends do make me feel alone, but I could also be pushing myself like before. The charter school I went to specialized in autistic students, and as I made a lot of my friends there, they also struggle with these things. They are dealing with problems on their own as well.

    I'll be starting full-time college in January, which I think will be very good for me. I'll be connecting with people outside of an autistic setting, and I'll most likely befriend some very strong people. I think I'll be getting out of this tunnel very soon.

    And once again, thank you so much for the advice! I was afraid that no one would reply, and your replies really did help me to sort things out.
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  6. You're very welcome. I don't think that you being autistic changes much of my advice (though I suppose I might not have emphasized the 'you might have an undiagnosed mental issue' bit quite as much, had I known XD ).

    At any rate, I'm glad to see that you seem to have an understanding of your situation now, and that things seem like they'll get better soon. That's good to know. Here's hoping things work out for you!
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